I'm the OP from another sexless marriage thread (husband stopped having sex).

It's awful but one can survive anything. My life is missing something immensely important. I'm now struggling to see if I can reconcile the vows o took and my child's needs with the loss I have endured and if I can get through this forever.

One thing to understand is that in some cases it won't get better. Therapy, meds, honest communication, supportive behavior (I nurture in many ways and don't outright criticize even when talking about this issue) will not help everyone. Some people don't want it to be fixed. Others become too beaten down to know how to fix it anymore - which could be me.

Posters who say these marriages are severely lacking are correct. However, they're like other flawed marriages in some ways- like people who fight or who resent one another because of child care or housekeeping or in laws. The difference for us is it stops being about painful episodes and arguments and fades to numbness. Like an amputation almost. Like you know something vital is gone but you get around anyway because you have to.

Unlike many on this board I think an affair is understandable in this situation. I don't know if I ever will but I'm thinking it would be nice in some ways.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is us right now. Two years of unsuccessful infertility treatments have squelched all desire. Not sure how to recover.

This was us. We just couldn't get it back. The IVF and all the scheduled sex just took all the joy out of it. We are getting divorced because we simply do not want to sleep together anymore...
but still want passion in our lives.

Man here. I don't think DW gets how unhappy I was doing the IVF scheduled sex thing. I couldn't say anything about it at the time, because she was sticking needles in herself three times a day, but jeezus it was joyless for me. And things have never really recovered since then.

Quite honestly I wouldn't have agreed to it if I'd known it would be like that and what it would do to our sex life.

I can't imagine. Sex when we were trying to conceive the regular way was bad enough.

This. Our sex life wasn't that strong to begin with, but once there was some (pretty minor, IMO) stress around "we're not getting pregnant", it turned into timed+scheduled duty sex. It was not fun, and we didn't really recover.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also in a very low sex marriage. We never had a very high frequency and my H has a very low drive. But at this point, after 15 years of marriage, I think we both love each other like family and not like lovers. We have a pretty good marriage in all other aspects:good coparents, fiscally compatible, no extended family drama, some similar interests, shared values, etc. So we agreed on a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. As long as we both feel like the primary commitment is to the household and each other's wellbeing, we can both go outside the marriage for passionate encounters. But the rule is "no diseases, no drama". So, if some crazy betrayed spouse if a lover calls the house, that relationship is over. If you test positive for an STD, then it's a violation of the trust. It works for us, so far. I think a lot of humans were not designed for 60 years of sexual compatibility and that's okay. As long as there are no secrets that are not previously agreed upon, nobody is feeling disrespected, and the household is the priority, lots oc peripheral arrangements can work.

How often do you and DH sex?

Sometimes monthly, sometimes every few months, and there were a few years that were complete dry spells. I'd say on average, 3-6 times a year. But even when it's happening, I think both of us see it as a bit of a chore. There's just no spark. He's like my big brother almost. But he is a reliable husband and a very good father. I don't know that i'd wish to be married to someone else. He's exactly the person I want to talk about my day with and raise my child with.

My DW could have written this. It is miserable

Mine too. I had an affair. Of course, I am now a monster, an emotional abuser, scum, worse that if I beat her within an inch of her life. I suggested she have one, she declined. It's complicated.

It's not complicated at all. It's quite simple actually. Normal/healthy/desirable people don't stay faithful in a sexless marriage.
Just how dumb is she to think otherwise?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also in a very low sex marriage. We never had a very high frequency and my H has a very low drive. But at this point, after 15 years of marriage, I think we both love each other like family and not like lovers. We have a pretty good marriage in all other aspects:good coparents, fiscally compatible, no extended family drama, some similar interests, shared values, etc. So we agreed on a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. As long as we both feel like the primary commitment is to the household and each other's wellbeing, we can both go outside the marriage for passionate encounters. But the rule is "no diseases, no drama". So, if some crazy betrayed spouse if a lover calls the house, that relationship is over. If you test positive for an STD, then it's a violation of the trust. It works for us, so far. I think a lot of humans were not designed for 60 years of sexual compatibility and that's okay. As long as there are no secrets that are not previously agreed upon, nobody is feeling disrespected, and the household is the priority, lots oc peripheral arrangements can work.

How often do you and DH sex?

Sometimes monthly, sometimes every few months, and there were a few years that were complete dry spells. I'd say on average, 3-6 times a year. But even when it's happening, I think both of us see it as a bit of a chore. There's just no spark. He's like my big brother almost. But he is a reliable husband and a very good father. I don't know that i'd wish to be married to someone else. He's exactly the person I want to talk about my day with and raise my child with.

My DW could have written this. It is miserable

Mine too. I had an affair. Of course, I am now a monster, an emotional abuser, scum, worse that if I beat her within an inch of her life. I suggested she have one, she declined. It's complicated.

Couldn't have been your DW because I'm not jealous. DH and I have an arrangement. We both have gone outside of the marriage from time to time and there has never been a big drama about it. We know we live each other and that we take care of each other emotionally and financially. We just get passion elsewhere. We acknowledge that being celibate sucks, and sexy with each other is not cutting it. But we're not going to throw away 15 years of marriage because something that can be outsourced isn't working. But I totally understand that it's not something that works for everyone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also in a very low sex marriage. We never had a very high frequency and my H has a very low drive. But at this point, after 15 years of marriage, I think we both love each other like family and not like lovers. We have a pretty good marriage in all other aspects:good coparents, fiscally compatible, no extended family drama, some similar interests, shared values, etc. So we agreed on a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. As long as we both feel like the primary commitment is to the household and each other's wellbeing, we can both go outside the marriage for passionate encounters. But the rule is "no diseases, no drama". So, if some crazy betrayed spouse if a lover calls the house, that relationship is over. If you test positive for an STD, then it's a violation of the trust. It works for us, so far. I think a lot of humans were not designed for 60 years of sexual compatibility and that's okay. As long as there are no secrets that are not previously agreed upon, nobody is feeling disrespected, and the household is the priority, lots oc peripheral arrangements can work.

How often do you and DH sex?

Sometimes monthly, sometimes every few months, and there were a few years that were complete dry spells. I'd say on average, 3-6 times a year. But even when it's happening, I think both of us see it as a bit of a chore. There's just no spark. He's like my big brother almost. But he is a reliable husband and a very good father. I don't know that i'd wish to be married to someone else. He's exactly the person I want to talk about my day with and raise my child with.

My DW could have written this. It is miserable

Mine too. I had an affair. Of course, I am now a monster, an emotional abuser, scum, worse that if I beat her within an inch of her life. I suggested she have one, she declined. It's complicated.

My marriage is in the friend zone. We talk about fixing that but it never happens. DW has checked out emotionally. I want to keep it together for my family but this is sucking the life out of me. She has no idea how big a deal the lack of sex is

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also in a very low sex marriage. We never had a very high frequency and my H has a very low drive. But at this point, after 15 years of marriage, I think we both love each other like family and not like lovers. We have a pretty good marriage in all other aspects:good coparents, fiscally compatible, no extended family drama, some similar interests, shared values, etc. So we agreed on a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. As long as we both feel like the primary commitment is to the household and each other's wellbeing, we can both go outside the marriage for passionate encounters. But the rule is "no diseases, no drama". So, if some crazy betrayed spouse if a lover calls the house, that relationship is over. If you test positive for an STD, then it's a violation of the trust. It works for us, so far. I think a lot of humans were not designed for 60 years of sexual compatibility and that's okay. As long as there are no secrets that are not previously agreed upon, nobody is feeling disrespected, and the household is the priority, lots oc peripheral arrangements can work.

How often do you and DH sex?

Sometimes monthly, sometimes every few months, and there were a few years that were complete dry spells. I'd say on average, 3-6 times a year. But even when it's happening, I think both of us see it as a bit of a chore. There's just no spark. He's like my big brother almost. But he is a reliable husband and a very good father. I don't know that i'd wish to be married to someone else. He's exactly the person I want to talk about my day with and raise my child with.

My DW could have written this. It is miserable

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also in a very low sex marriage. We never had a very high frequency and my H has a very low drive. But at this point, after 15 years of marriage, I think we both love each other like family and not like lovers. We have a pretty good marriage in all other aspects:good coparents, fiscally compatible, no extended family drama, some similar interests, shared values, etc. So we agreed on a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. As long as we both feel like the primary commitment is to the household and each other's wellbeing, we can both go outside the marriage for passionate encounters. But the rule is "no diseases, no drama". So, if some crazy betrayed spouse if a lover calls the house, that relationship is over. If you test positive for an STD, then it's a violation of the trust. It works for us, so far. I think a lot of humans were not designed for 60 years of sexual compatibility and that's okay. As long as there are no secrets that are not previously agreed upon, nobody is feeling disrespected, and the household is the priority, lots oc peripheral arrangements can work.

How often do you and DH sex?

Sometimes monthly, sometimes every few months, and there were a few years that were complete dry spells. I'd say on average, 3-6 times a year. But even when it's happening, I think both of us see it as a bit of a chore. There's just no spark. He's like my big brother almost. But he is a reliable husband and a very good father. I don't know that i'd wish to be married to someone else. He's exactly the person I want to talk about my day with and raise my child with.

Friend zone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also in a very low sex marriage. We never had a very high frequency and my H has a very low drive. But at this point, after 15 years of marriage, I think we both love each other like family and not like lovers. We have a pretty good marriage in all other aspects:good coparents, fiscally compatible, no extended family drama, some similar interests, shared values, etc. So we agreed on a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. As long as we both feel like the primary commitment is to the household and each other's wellbeing, we can both go outside the marriage for passionate encounters. But the rule is "no diseases, no drama". So, if some crazy betrayed spouse if a lover calls the house, that relationship is over. If you test positive for an STD, then it's a violation of the trust. It works for us, so far. I think a lot of humans were not designed for 60 years of sexual compatibility and that's okay. As long as there are no secrets that are not previously agreed upon, nobody is feeling disrespected, and the household is the priority, lots oc peripheral arrangements can work.

How often do you and DH sex?

Sometimes monthly, sometimes every few months, and there were a few years that were complete dry spells. I'd say on average, 3-6 times a year. But even when it's happening, I think both of us see it as a bit of a chore. There's just no spark. He's like my big brother almost. But he is a reliable husband and a very good father. I don't know that i'd wish to be married to someone else. He's exactly the person I want to talk about my day with and raise my child with.

So are you having sex outside the marriage?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also in a very low sex marriage. We never had a very high frequency and my H has a very low drive. But at this point, after 15 years of marriage, I think we both love each other like family and not like lovers. We have a pretty good marriage in all other aspects:good coparents, fiscally compatible, no extended family drama, some similar interests, shared values, etc. So we agreed on a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. As long as we both feel like the primary commitment is to the household and each other's wellbeing, we can both go outside the marriage for passionate encounters. But the rule is "no diseases, no drama". So, if some crazy betrayed spouse if a lover calls the house, that relationship is over. If you test positive for an STD, then it's a violation of the trust. It works for us, so far. I think a lot of humans were not designed for 60 years of sexual compatibility and that's okay. As long as there are no secrets that are not previously agreed upon, nobody is feeling disrespected, and the household is the priority, lots oc peripheral arrangements can work.

How often do you and DH sex?

Sometimes monthly, sometimes every few months, and there were a few years that were complete dry spells. I'd say on average, 3-6 times a year. But even when it's happening, I think both of us see it as a bit of a chore. There's just no spark. He's like my big brother almost. But he is a reliable husband and a very good father. I don't know that i'd wish to be married to someone else. He's exactly the person I want to talk about my day with and raise my child with.

Anonymous wrote:I am also in a very low sex marriage. We never had a very high frequency and my H has a very low drive. But at this point, after 15 years of marriage, I think we both love each other like family and not like lovers. We have a pretty good marriage in all other aspects:good coparents, fiscally compatible, no extended family drama, some similar interests, shared values, etc. So we agreed on a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. As long as we both feel like the primary commitment is to the household and each other's wellbeing, we can both go outside the marriage for passionate encounters. But the rule is "no diseases, no drama". So, if some crazy betrayed spouse if a lover calls the house, that relationship is over. If you test positive for an STD, then it's a violation of the trust. It works for us, so far. I think a lot of humans were not designed for 60 years of sexual compatibility and that's okay. As long as there are no secrets that are not previously agreed upon, nobody is feeling disrespected, and the household is the priority, lots oc peripheral arrangements can work.

How often do you and DH sex?

I am also in a very low sex marriage. We never had a very high frequency and my H has a very low drive. But at this point, after 15 years of marriage, I think we both love each other like family and not like lovers. We have a pretty good marriage in all other aspects:good coparents, fiscally compatible, no extended family drama, some similar interests, shared values, etc. So we agreed on a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. As long as we both feel like the primary commitment is to the household and each other's wellbeing, we can both go outside the marriage for passionate encounters. But the rule is "no diseases, no drama". So, if some crazy betrayed spouse if a lover calls the house, that relationship is over. If you test positive for an STD, then it's a violation of the trust. It works for us, so far. I think a lot of humans were not designed for 60 years of sexual compatibility and that's okay. As long as there are no secrets that are not previously agreed upon, nobody is feeling disrespected, and the household is the priority, lots oc peripheral arrangements can work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is us right now. Two years of unsuccessful infertility treatments have squelched all desire. Not sure how to recover.

This was us. We just couldn't get it back. The IVF and all the scheduled sex just took all the joy out of it. We are getting divorced because we simply do not want to sleep together anymore...
but still want passion in our lives.

Man here. I don't think DW gets how unhappy I was doing the IVF scheduled sex thing. I couldn't say anything about it at the time, because she was sticking needles in herself three times a day, but jeezus it was joyless for me. And things have never really recovered since then.

Quite honestly I wouldn't have agreed to it if I'd known it would be like that and what it would do to our sex life.

I can't imagine. Sex when we were trying to conceive the regular way was bad enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is us right now. Two years of unsuccessful infertility treatments have squelched all desire. Not sure how to recover.

This was us. We just couldn't get it back. The IVF and all the scheduled sex just took all the joy out of it. We are getting divorced because we simply do not want to sleep together anymore...
but still want passion in our lives.

Man here. I don't think DW gets how unhappy I was doing the IVF scheduled sex thing. I couldn't say anything about it at the time, because she was sticking needles in herself three times a day, but jeezus it was joyless for me. And things have never really recovered since then.

Quite honestly I wouldn't have agreed to it if I'd known it would be like that and what it would do to our sex life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If months went by I would address it or likely divorce.
.

Over no sex? Wow.

I am really surprised people don't address it. I am higher drive than my DW, and I absolutely address it if we go more than 2 weeks. It is a source of tension. I am not judging those who slide into a sexless marriage, I get it. But yes, I would address it and divorce if I wasn't having sex with my DW. Or ask for an open marriage. YMMV.

+1

Sex is important. DW and I communicate a lot.

DW here and I agree. Sex isn't just about the physical, it's an emotional and mental connection as well. And the physical aspect of things adds to the intimacy in a marriage. Neither of us would be okay letting it slide on a regular basis.