Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 15:15     Subject: How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, you obviously harbor a lot of hostility toward these kids. They are obese, they are outrageously behaved, they can't even swim for 20 mins (just "wave their arms in the shallow end" after being bribed.) Really? Is it even remotely possible that you resent them and their mother for moving into your BIL's life after the death of your SIL? I have similarly aged boys, and what you describe is so far over the top it strains credulity. (Of course the idea of spending all summer at a family compound and every Sunday together is also, ahem, highly unusual.)


It's sad that you fin family spending time together highly unusual.


I'm with pp. Summer at the family compound?


I'm not sure why this is so odd or offensive. We have a beautiful ranch near Telluride and family comes and goes all year. We are sometimes there for a long weekend alone and sometimes during a holiday there is a crowd. We are a tight knit family that enjoys each others company. Yes, we attend the same church. Yes, my mother, my SIL (my brothers wife) and I rotate Sunday family dinners. It is wonderful.

DH and his brother are the only family they have close. The rest of their family is spread over the midwest and south so my family has always included DH's BIL as much as we can. DHs mother and father are also welcome to stay at the family vacation home as often as they'd like.


Are you looking to adopt an adult? Telluride ranch sounds mighty nice and I don't fart at the table.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 15:04     Subject: How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?
You lost me at obese, OP.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 14:58     Subject: How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?
Not OP, but a BIL can either be the man married to your sister or your husband's brother. I would guess OP's BIL is the latter.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 14:41     Subject: How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, you obviously harbor a lot of hostility toward these kids. They are obese, they are outrageously behaved, they can't even swim for 20 mins (just "wave their arms in the shallow end" after being bribed.) Really? Is it even remotely possible that you resent them and their mother for moving into your BIL's life after the death of your SIL? I have similarly aged boys, and what you describe is so far over the top it strains credulity. (Of course the idea of spending all summer at a family compound and every Sunday together is also, ahem, highly unusual.)


It's sad that you fin family spending time together highly unusual.


I'm with pp. Summer at the family compound?


I'm not sure why this is so odd or offensive. We have a beautiful ranch near Telluride and family comes and goes all year. We are sometimes there for a long weekend alone and sometimes during a holiday there is a crowd. We are a tight knit family that enjoys each others company. Yes, we attend the same church. Yes, my mother, my SIL (my brothers wife) and I rotate Sunday family dinners. It is wonderful.

DH and his brother are the only family they have close. The rest of their family is spread over the midwest and south so my family has always included DH's BIL as much as we can. DHs mother and father are also welcome to stay at the family vacation home as often as they'd like.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 14:38     Subject: How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?
Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a similar situation growing up with some wild cousins who were underparented and disrupted nearly every family gathering. When their mother died and their shitty dad remarried a much younger woman and had another kid it got even worse. It is tough, and the only way in yo uhave is through the family member, your BIL in this case. For us, that person was the problem, so we had no real lever. Maybe your DH will have insight in how to support his brother in better parenting his kids. It sounds like SIL's laxity is the root of these kids' problem.

I think your way forward is right there in your subject line. You deal with the situation by sticking to the aspects that affect you, because they are your business. their obesity: no. their shrieking: yes. You set house rules and consequences for violating them, and stick to it. It sounds like your dad has the right outlook here: if they don't want to participate, they won't be included.

One of my cousins was a little different and a bit more willing to interact with us so we encouraged that as much as we could (while his brothers ran around wildly). That's another tack you can think about how to explore, how to inventivize good behavior in these kids given the limited tools you have at hand.


Thank you for the insight. It is nice to not feel alone.

I think we are all just going to have to interact with these children on their terms until we can get them to warm up to trying something new. I have never met a child that is so unwilling to try something exciting and new. But I'll keep on trying.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 14:33     Subject: How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, you obviously harbor a lot of hostility toward these kids. They are obese, they are outrageously behaved, they can't even swim for 20 mins (just "wave their arms in the shallow end" after being bribed.) Really? Is it even remotely possible that you resent them and their mother for moving into your BIL's life after the death of your SIL? I have similarly aged boys, and what you describe is so far over the top it strains credulity. (Of course the idea of spending all summer at a family compound and every Sunday together is also, ahem, highly unusual.)


It's sad that you fin family spending time together highly unusual.


I'm with pp. Summer at the family compound?
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 13:34     Subject: How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?
OP, I had a similar situation growing up with some wild cousins who were underparented and disrupted nearly every family gathering. When their mother died and their shitty dad remarried a much younger woman and had another kid it got even worse. It is tough, and the only way in yo uhave is through the family member, your BIL in this case. For us, that person was the problem, so we had no real lever. Maybe your DH will have insight in how to support his brother in better parenting his kids. It sounds like SIL's laxity is the root of these kids' problem.

I think your way forward is right there in your subject line. You deal with the situation by sticking to the aspects that affect you, because they are your business. their obesity: no. their shrieking: yes. You set house rules and consequences for violating them, and stick to it. It sounds like your dad has the right outlook here: if they don't want to participate, they won't be included.

One of my cousins was a little different and a bit more willing to interact with us so we encouraged that as much as we could (while his brothers ran around wildly). That's another tack you can think about how to explore, how to inventivize good behavior in these kids given the limited tools you have at hand.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 12:16     Subject: How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?
Anonymous wrote:OP, you obviously harbor a lot of hostility toward these kids. They are obese, they are outrageously behaved, they can't even swim for 20 mins (just "wave their arms in the shallow end" after being bribed.) Really? Is it even remotely possible that you resent them and their mother for moving into your BIL's life after the death of your SIL? I have similarly aged boys, and what you describe is so far over the top it strains credulity. (Of course the idea of spending all summer at a family compound and every Sunday together is also, ahem, highly unusual.)


It's sad that you fin family spending time together highly unusual.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 00:56     Subject: How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?
Anonymous wrote:OP, you obviously harbor a lot of hostility toward these kids. They are obese, they are outrageously behaved, they can't even swim for 20 mins (just "wave their arms in the shallow end" after being bribed.) Really? Is it even remotely possible that you resent them and their mother for moving into your BIL's life after the death of your SIL? I have similarly aged boys, and what you describe is so far over the top it strains credulity. (Of course the idea of spending all summer at a family compound and every Sunday together is also, ahem, highly unusual.)


Did you even read the thread? From the judgements you made it would seem you didn't.
Anonymous
Post 08/05/2015 23:42     Subject: How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?
OP, you obviously harbor a lot of hostility toward these kids. They are obese, they are outrageously behaved, they can't even swim for 20 mins (just "wave their arms in the shallow end" after being bribed.) Really? Is it even remotely possible that you resent them and their mother for moving into your BIL's life after the death of your SIL? I have similarly aged boys, and what you describe is so far over the top it strains credulity. (Of course the idea of spending all summer at a family compound and every Sunday together is also, ahem, highly unusual.)
Anonymous
Post 08/05/2015 11:06     Subject: Re:How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

I feel sorry for your dad because of the above. Your family members are being held hostage by the theatrics of a new SIL and her boys at your dad's expense. And I mean this kindly, but I think you are wrong in thinking that it is none of your business. It is definitely your business when they are guests in your home and your dad's vacation place.

Setting boundaries without enforcement doesn't hold water. You seem afraid to enforce for fear of SIL drama and she and her boys know this and exploit it.

I would be much more concerned about pleasing my aging dad than a new, extended family member that refuses to make her children behave when visiting new extended family members.

Your SIL would have had one time to pull that crying sh*t in my home. The next time they came to visit, the boys would eat what was put in front of them or a sandwich or cereal, etc. with no fast food option, period. At the rate you are going, your dad is going to resent having to deal with them at all, especially for his 75th birthday party.

P.S. Are they of a different culture?


Yea I get it, its just really tricky to step on someone elses parenting you know?. Funny thing is DH and I are pretty structured and traditional parents. My children eat what is served and they are expected to participate with the family. This is just so frustrating and unfamiliar. My family is hispanic, DH's is white and so are SIL and her boys.

Please be assured if this was really bothering my dad I would do something more. My dad was a drill sgt for 20 years and after the talking to he gave them both after that first sunday and the church incident they steer clear of him. I guess we should all be more like him, if they didn't want to eat something or participate he just shrugged it off and focused on who did.

I was actually thinking of calling my SIL and talking about my dad's birthday and mentioning since it will be long with a lot of activity and catered maybe the boys wouldn't enjoy it. Like a hint of sorts. Or maybe I should just sit down and honestly talk to her. She has to know there is a problem right and this can't go on. But I've already spoken to DH about the poker night and he agrees its a good idea. He thinks BIL is being way too soft about this BTW but we all understand how hard blending a family must be.


This is exactly what you should do. What these boys do and eat is not your problem. You offer food; if they don't eat it, you don't make something else but you don't say anything if their parents make them nuggets or mac n cheese. You invite them to join you swimming or playing a card game or playing air hockey or watching a movie; if they say no, you let it go. When their mom cries because they aren't being included, you say, "Oh, we asked them to join us, but they didn't want to." Repeat as often as needed. Do not get drawn into trying to manage your SIL's reactions or her kids' reactions. If they cry and scream and throw things, do not try to console or placate them. Leave the room if you need to; otherwise, ignore it.
Anonymous
Post 08/05/2015 08:48     Subject: Re:How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?
Have you considered asking your husband to talk about these issues with his brother? It sounds like it might be a good time for the two of them to talk about what's acceptable behavior when the families are together.

I hope your BIL and his new blended family are getting some family therapy to help them navigate all of the changes.

The whole thing would stress me too -- I can understand why you need to vent.
Anonymous
Post 08/05/2015 08:32     Subject: How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?
My dad has a family compound. The behavior of his own nephews was such that he had to, as nicely as he could, tell his brother, "Brother, you and your wife are welcome anytime; the boys can't visit us in the future."

If the kids are that horrible you just have to not invite them/uninvite them in the future.
Anonymous
Post 08/05/2015 07:27     Subject: Re:How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?
It's not about the video games; it's about their screaming fits when they can't stop. It's not about them not eating your food; it's about them throwing tantrums when they don't get what they want. Please don't be "worried about their health." That's going to backfire. Be worried about how they treat people. No, you can't tell me what to make for dinner but I will include some nice plain pasta and you may put Parmesan on it. But I would totally feel free to discipline someone else's child for farting at the table.

I say this as someone whose sons are kind of picky and who love video games, but would never dream of acting out the way you say.
Anonymous
Post 08/05/2015 01:30     Subject: How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?
Maybe invite them to the anniversary dinner but make it clear there will be no video games and no special food served for them.
Let their mother be upset, let your BIL be upset, let them either adjust or drop out of family functions, and just invite the nieces ("well you won't enjoy it anyway so I thought I would just invite the Larlas, I will pick them up and drop them off).