Anonymous
08/05/2015 01:43
Subject: Outside of paying for things, how goes your Executive husband contribute to the household? SAHM que
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would hope that even if said spouse/parent is working crazy-ass hours, that he/she at the VERY least:
1) Spends time in a loving, supportive way with children every day that he/she is home
2) Does *something* practical (not just fun and squishy) to contribute to the operation of the household, so that the kids see that not all drudgery is the responsibility of the other parent
3) Treats the other parent with respect and support, so that children see everyone's contributions to the family are valued, and that by virtue of being a human being you are valued
4) Now and again, tell the child what it is you do, even take child to work so that his/her life out of the home isn't a mystery, rather an extension
5) Spends extended, quality time with the family for family vacations -- key to bonding and making memories that last
I think OP's issue had to do with #2. In my opinion, lack of #3 is the deal breaker - and at the very least puts a strain on the marriage. Even if both parents WOH, #3 is fundamental.
I hear ya. The #2 practical thing can be very simple.
For example, if the other parent has a rule that the children need to put their clothes in the hamper and tidy toys before bedtime, the crazyworking spouse who is putting one of the kids away needs to monitor and enforce that. This, to me, is a sign of respect for each person's individual and collective contribution to the household.
Another example is if the other parent has folded the sofa throws and obviously tidied the living room, the crazyworking parent returns the room more or less to that order after snuggling on the sofa or using a glass and plate for a midnight snack.
That sort of thing. It adds an element of domestic respect to the notion of "quality family time."
Anonymous
08/04/2015 22:42
Subject: Re:Outside of paying for things, how goes your Executive husband contribute to the household? SAHM que
I think you just ran out of idiotic things to say after calling a parents care "outsourcing". Your argument (is it one? Or is it just an outright insult?!) demeaning the legitimate choice to primarily raise ones own young while they are in their pre-school years to the maid/personal assistant category is ..... What? Pro-woman?
Think again.
Think again.
Anonymous
08/04/2015 20:32
Subject: Outside of paying for things, how goes your Executive husband contribute to the household? SAHM que
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The envy that some working moms display in every thread pertaining to stay at homes is just embarrassing. I work a big law job with shitty hours, but I don't resent women who stay home enjoying their husbands' money and taking care of their children. It is not stay at home moms' fault that being a working mom sucks so badly from absolutely hostile work environments to ridiculous child care costs. I fully admit that I love having my own money, but hate being away from my kids and actually hate my job and coworkers too. I hear other working moms claiming to love working so much, but if you were having such a good time, you wouldn't be so bitter towards stay at homes.
I love my job, love my coworkers, and my kids are thriving. I'm sorry your job sucks, but not every working parent is miserable.
And, regardless of what people in these threads love to claim, I'm a WOHM who is not jealous at all of SAHMs. I didn't go to a top school and then get an MBA in finance to be a maid/personal assistant, and I wouldn't put myself in a position (e.g., marrying someone super-ambitious) where there would be so much pressure for me to take on that role.
I was super ambitious in my career- but I'm also super ambitious as a mother. Being an involved parent was and is critical to ms- I didn't have kids to outsource their care. I am a stay at home MOM, not a stay at home wife. It's so interesting to me that you focus on being a maid/ personal assistant and completely miss the hours of 1:1 (or, in my case 1:3) time that I get with my kids each day. THAT is why I stay home. To be present for their infancy, toddlerhood and childhood. I'm not their maid, I'm their mom. And I love it. Sorry they didn't make your shortlist when you think about staying home.
As always -- so it's OK that your husband had kids just to outsource their care, but not OK for me? It's OK for your husband not to get 1:1 time with the kids each day, but not OK for me
But he didn't "outsource" their care. I don't consider a mother an "outsource"..... And he co parents with me, just less hours. What's the alternative- neither of us work? Or we truly outsource even though we don't need to income wise just to "fairly" not see our own kids? That's dumb.
Sorry, your argument is fundamentally sexist.
Anonymous
08/04/2015 17:48
Subject: Outside of paying for things, how goes your Executive husband contribute to the household? SAHM que
Anonymous wrote:I would hope that even if said spouse/parent is working crazy-ass hours, that he/she at the VERY least:
1) Spends time in a loving, supportive way with children every day that he/she is home
2) Does *something* practical (not just fun and squishy) to contribute to the operation of the household, so that the kids see that not all drudgery is the responsibility of the other parent
3) Treats the other parent with respect and support, so that children see everyone's contributions to the family are valued, and that by virtue of being a human being you are valued
4) Now and again, tell the child what it is you do, even take child to work so that his/her life out of the home isn't a mystery, rather an extension
5) Spends extended, quality time with the family for family vacations -- key to bonding and making memories that last
I think OP's issue had to do with #2. In my opinion, lack of #3 is the deal breaker - and at the very least puts a strain on the marriage. Even if both parents WOH, #3 is fundamental.
Anonymous
08/04/2015 17:22
Subject: Outside of paying for things, how goes your Executive husband contribute to the household? SAHM que
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The envy that some working moms display in every thread pertaining to stay at homes is just embarrassing. I work a big law job with shitty hours, but I don't resent women who stay home enjoying their husbands' money and taking care of their children. It is not stay at home moms' fault that being a working mom sucks so badly from absolutely hostile work environments to ridiculous child care costs. I fully admit that I love having my own money, but hate being away from my kids and actually hate my job and coworkers too. I hear other working moms claiming to love working so much, but if you were having such a good time, you wouldn't be so bitter towards stay at homes.
I love my job, love my coworkers, and my kids are thriving. I'm sorry your job sucks, but not every working parent is miserable.
And, regardless of what people in these threads love to claim, I'm a WOHM who is not jealous at all of SAHMs. I didn't go to a top school and then get an MBA in finance to be a maid/personal assistant, and I wouldn't put myself in a position (e.g., marrying someone super-ambitious) where there would be so much pressure for me to take on that role.
I was super ambitious in my career- but I'm also super ambitious as a mother. Being an involved parent was and is critical to ms- I didn't have kids to outsource their care. I am a stay at home MOM, not a stay at home wife. It's so interesting to me that you focus on being a maid/ personal assistant and completely miss the hours of 1:1 (or, in my case 1:3) time that I get with my kids each day. THAT is why I stay home. To be present for their infancy, toddlerhood and childhood. I'm not their maid, I'm their mom. And I love it. Sorry they didn't make your shortlist when you think about staying home.
But he didn't "outsource" their care. I don't consider a mother an "outsource"..... And he co parents with me, just less hours. What's the alternative- neither of us work? Or we truly outsource even though we don't need to income wise just to "fairly" not see our own kids? That's dumb.
Anonymous
08/04/2015 16:49
Subject: Outside of paying for things, how goes your Executive husband contribute to the household? SAHM que
I would hope that even if said spouse/parent is working crazy-ass hours, that he/she at the VERY least:
1) Spends time in a loving, supportive way with children every day that he/she is home
2) Does *something* practical (not just fun and squishy) to contribute to the operation of the household, so that the kids see that not all drudgery is the responsibility of the other parent
3) Treats the other parent with respect and support, so that children see everyone's contributions to the family are valued, and that by virtue of being a human being you are valued
4) Now and again, tell the child what it is you do, even take child to work so that his/her life out of the home isn't a mystery, rather an extension
5) Spends extended, quality time with the family for family vacations -- key to bonding and making memories that last
1) Spends time in a loving, supportive way with children every day that he/she is home
2) Does *something* practical (not just fun and squishy) to contribute to the operation of the household, so that the kids see that not all drudgery is the responsibility of the other parent
3) Treats the other parent with respect and support, so that children see everyone's contributions to the family are valued, and that by virtue of being a human being you are valued
4) Now and again, tell the child what it is you do, even take child to work so that his/her life out of the home isn't a mystery, rather an extension
5) Spends extended, quality time with the family for family vacations -- key to bonding and making memories that last
Anonymous
08/04/2015 16:14
Subject: Outside of paying for things, how goes your Executive husband contribute to the household? SAHM que
Sorry to burst your bubble-but most high paid people work hours like big law. Non c-level WOHP are very relevant to this thread.
Anonymous
08/04/2015 14:58
Subject: Outside of paying for things, how goes your Executive husband contribute to the household? SAHM que
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The envy that some working moms display in every thread pertaining to stay at homes is just embarrassing. I work a big law job with shitty hours, but I don't resent women who stay home enjoying their husbands' money and taking care of their children. It is not stay at home moms' fault that being a working mom sucks so badly from absolutely hostile work environments to ridiculous child care costs. I fully admit that I love having my own money, but hate being away from my kids and actually hate my job and coworkers too. I hear other working moms claiming to love working so much, but if you were having such a good time, you wouldn't be so bitter towards stay at homes.
I love my job, love my coworkers, and my kids are thriving. I'm sorry your job sucks, but not every working parent is miserable.
And, regardless of what people in these threads love to claim, I'm a WOHM who is not jealous at all of SAHMs. I didn't go to a top school and then get an MBA in finance to be a maid/personal assistant, and I wouldn't put myself in a position (e.g., marrying someone super-ambitious) where there would be so much pressure for me to take on that role.
I am not an MBA and am okay to be the support person (personal assistant/maid is another way to say it!) for my DH. But you make a damn good point about choosing to marry someone less ambitious. I see ambition as an important, desirable quality but i might advise my daughters to be wary of getting forced into a certain role as you describe. While I was not "forced" this was because I was willing - had I been more ambitious career wise we would have had a BIG problem. we did, however, have lots of problems that stemmed from an unbalanced relationship.
The original question was about "executive" husbands and there is definitely a subset of families where the wife stays home not just for the kids but because the family can afford it and it makes things easier for everyone. I have zero interest in becoming one of those families. My husband has a JD from a top law school and had the choice of the biglaw or government route. If he had gone biglaw, I doubt I'd be working now---and I'd be resentful and unhappy about shouldering most of the parenting and most of the household stuff. He decided to go into government in part so he would have more time with the kids and in part because he knew how hard it would be for us both to work if one of us had that kind of career. (Not impossible, but hard.)
Anonymous
08/04/2015 14:55
Subject: Outside of paying for things, how goes your Executive husband contribute to the household? SAHM que
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The envy that some working moms display in every thread pertaining to stay at homes is just embarrassing. I work a big law job with shitty hours, but I don't resent women who stay home enjoying their husbands' money and taking care of their children. It is not stay at home moms' fault that being a working mom sucks so badly from absolutely hostile work environments to ridiculous child care costs. I fully admit that I love having my own money, but hate being away from my kids and actually hate my job and coworkers too. I hear other working moms claiming to love working so much, but if you were having such a good time, you wouldn't be so bitter towards stay at homes.
I love my job, love my coworkers, and my kids are thriving. I'm sorry your job sucks, but not every working parent is miserable.
And, regardless of what people in these threads love to claim, I'm a WOHM who is not jealous at all of SAHMs. I didn't go to a top school and then get an MBA in finance to be a maid/personal assistant, and I wouldn't put myself in a position (e.g., marrying someone super-ambitious) where there would be so much pressure for me to take on that role.
I was super ambitious in my career- but I'm also super ambitious as a mother. Being an involved parent was and is critical to ms- I didn't have kids to outsource their care. I am a stay at home MOM, not a stay at home wife. It's so interesting to me that you focus on being a maid/ personal assistant and completely miss the hours of 1:1 (or, in my case 1:3) time that I get with my kids each day. THAT is why I stay home. To be present for their infancy, toddlerhood and childhood. I'm not their maid, I'm their mom. And I love it. Sorry they didn't make your shortlist when you think about staying home.
As always -- so it's OK that your husband had kids just to outsource their care, but not OK for me? It's OK for your husband not to get 1:1 time with the kids each day, but not OK for me?
Anonymous
08/04/2015 14:47
Subject: Outside of paying for things, how goes your Executive husband contribute to the household? SAHM que
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
H handles all finances. We have a budget of the amount I can use each month on shopping/ hair appointments etc.
Work around house- weekly cleaner
Kids homework- husband
Cooking- all me
Works great for us.
So you have an allowance like a child?
Not PP, but most families don't have unlimited money, which means a budget. Knowing what your budget is for certain things isn't the same as an allowance.
EXACTLY
Anonymous
08/04/2015 14:41
Subject: Outside of paying for things, how goes your Executive husband contribute to the household? SAHM que
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The envy that some working moms display in every thread pertaining to stay at homes is just embarrassing. I work a big law job with shitty hours, but I don't resent women who stay home enjoying their husbands' money and taking care of their children. It is not stay at home moms' fault that being a working mom sucks so badly from absolutely hostile work environments to ridiculous child care costs. I fully admit that I love having my own money, but hate being away from my kids and actually hate my job and coworkers too. I hear other working moms claiming to love working so much, but if you were having such a good time, you wouldn't be so bitter towards stay at homes.
I love my job, love my coworkers, and my kids are thriving. I'm sorry your job sucks, but not every working parent is miserable.
And, regardless of what people in these threads love to claim, I'm a WOHM who is not jealous at all of SAHMs. I didn't go to a top school and then get an MBA in finance to be a maid/personal assistant, and I wouldn't put myself in a position (e.g., marrying someone super-ambitious) where there would be so much pressure for me to take on that role.
I was super ambitious in my career- but I'm also super ambitious as a mother. Being an involved parent was and is critical to ms- I didn't have kids to outsource their care. I am a stay at home MOM, not a stay at home wife. It's so interesting to me that you focus on being a maid/ personal assistant and completely miss the hours of 1:1 (or, in my case 1:3) time that I get with my kids each day. THAT is why I sta home. To be present for their infancy, toddlerhood and childhood. I'm not their maid, I'm their mom. And I love it. Sorry they didn't make your shortlist when you think about staying home.
Agreed! I have a masters degree, am very ambitious, and was a SAHM for 11 years. I now work less than 1/2 time because that's what I want to do. My kids are my everything. I'm thankful that DH whose not c-level, makes enough for us to live in vienna and for me to SAHM for so long!
Anonymous
08/04/2015 14:25
Subject: Outside of paying for things, how goes your Executive husband contribute to the household? SAHM que
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The envy that some working moms display in every thread pertaining to stay at homes is just embarrassing. I work a big law job with shitty hours, but I don't resent women who stay home enjoying their husbands' money and taking care of their children. It is not stay at home moms' fault that being a working mom sucks so badly from absolutely hostile work environments to ridiculous child care costs. I fully admit that I love having my own money, but hate being away from my kids and actually hate my job and coworkers too. I hear other working moms claiming to love working so much, but if you were having such a good time, you wouldn't be so bitter towards stay at homes.
I love my job, love my coworkers, and my kids are thriving. I'm sorry your job sucks, but not every working parent is miserable.
And, regardless of what people in these threads love to claim, I'm a WOHM who is not jealous at all of SAHMs. I didn't go to a top school and then get an MBA in finance to be a maid/personal assistant, and I wouldn't put myself in a position (e.g., marrying someone super-ambitious) where there would be so much pressure for me to take on that role.
I am not an MBA and am okay to be the support person (personal assistant/maid is another way to say it!) for my DH. But you make a damn good point about choosing to marry someone less ambitious. I see ambition as an important, desirable quality but i might advise my daughters to be wary of getting forced into a certain role as you describe. While I was not "forced" this was because I was willing - had I been more ambitious career wise we would have had a BIG problem. we did, however, have lots of problems that stemmed from an unbalanced relationship.
Only in men? Seriously question.
No! Not only in men. Pp here you quoted above. I don't have sons btw only daughters. Career ambition for men AND women is admirable. But if 2 highly driven career centered people get married and decide to have children here is the reality: one or both parents will need to slow down enough to be parents. Work-life balance? It is also admirable, in my opinion, to adjust one's career ambition to accommodate your family. Not sure why so many people on here have an objection to this.
Anonymous
08/04/2015 14:09
Subject: Outside of paying for things, how goes your Executive husband contribute to the household? SAHM que
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
H handles all finances. We have a budget of the amount I can use each month on shopping/ hair appointments etc.
Work around house- weekly cleaner
Kids homework- husband
Cooking- all me
Works great for us.
So you have an allowance like a child?
An adult sets an allowance amount for a child. PP clearly said "WE have a budget" for her expenses, meaning she has some control in setting the amount.
If you want to diss the SAH choice how about you start your own thread?
My husband gives me an allowance because he does all the finances and budgeting and knows what we can spend and still have money to put into savings. If it were up to me then we would be flat broke
He controls all finances.
She has a set amount.
Methinks she doesn't have much say.
I have no idea how people live this way and consider themselves equals. Not a SAHM "diss" (as you so maturely put it) at all - I'm well aware that not all SAHMs live this way.
Anonymous
08/04/2015 14:09
Subject: Outside of paying for things, how goes your Executive husband contribute to the household? SAHM que
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The envy that some working moms display in every thread pertaining to stay at homes is just embarrassing. I work a big law job with shitty hours, but I don't resent women who stay home enjoying their husbands' money and taking care of their children. It is not stay at home moms' fault that being a working mom sucks so badly from absolutely hostile work environments to ridiculous child care costs. I fully admit that I love having my own money, but hate being away from my kids and actually hate my job and coworkers too. I hear other working moms claiming to love working so much, but if you were having such a good time, you wouldn't be so bitter towards stay at homes.
I love my job, love my coworkers, and my kids are thriving. I'm sorry your job sucks, but not every working parent is miserable.
And, regardless of what people in these threads love to claim, I'm a WOHM who is not jealous at all of SAHMs. I didn't go to a top school and then get an MBA in finance to be a maid/personal assistant, and I wouldn't put myself in a position (e.g., marrying someone super-ambitious) where there would be so much pressure for me to take on that role.
I was super ambitious in my career- but I'm also super ambitious as a mother. Being an involved parent was and is critical to ms- I didn't have kids to outsource their care. I am a stay at home MOM, not a stay at home wife. It's so interesting to me that you focus on being a maid/ personal assistant and completely miss the hours of 1:1 (or, in my case 1:3) time that I get with my kids each day. THAT is why I sta home. To be present for their infancy, toddlerhood and childhood. I'm not their maid, I'm their mom. And I love it. Sorry they didn't make your shortlist when you think about staying home.
I hate to say this but you also have some obligation to be a partner to your husband - he contributes financially, you also need to contribute to the household in some way. Just because you are a super involved hands-on parent doesn't mean you are not also a wife! I am not saying that all of the housework should fall on you (of course both of you are responsible for this) but c'mon your attitude is not cool.
That goes without saying. I replied earlier in the thread about all that. I do all of the housework (Housecleaner e/o week) all of the cooking, all dr apprs, sports sign ups, supervise homework 75% of the time, organize 90% of social events/babysitters, thank you cards/christmS cards/invitations/etc, all the kids shopping all the laundry, home decorating, etc. we make major financial decisions together but I then organize documents like taxes refi/mortgage/will etc. he does outside work/snow blowing /recycling trash etc. he and I both coach. He does dishes. He puts away his laundry and irons his clothes and does dry cleaning. We co parent and make decisions like schooling/sports/camps jointly.
I was specifically reaponding to the idea that the PP is not a maid /personal assistant. I'd be shocked if in an actual relationship she doesn't do many of the same things I or you or any one of us do. That's called loving someone and splitting duties to make life easier and utilitize strengths and weaknesses. It's also time saving. But when I think about being a stay at home MOM? And why? It's not to be a maid or assistant to my husband. It's for my KIDS. Granted- the whe household benefits, but they hands down benefit the most.
Anonymous
08/04/2015 14:06
Subject: Outside of paying for things, how goes your Executive husband contribute to the household? SAHM que
Omg not this crap again.