Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 16:17     Subject: Re:Sending "recovered" ASD kid to college


OP - You have to do what you feel is in your daughter's best interest. However, do keep abreast of the timelines on the calendar as if she is headed south within certain caelndar dates, you can request a withdrawal due to health reasons or if towards the end of the semester she is able to pass most but not all classes, then perhaps an incomplete can be requested. These are tools you need to consider useful as needed to both give her the freedom to learn and also to mitigate at least issues really beyond her control at the time (if they come up) in terms of failure.

Not knowing the social rules of the college she is attending, have you addressed various possible social situations which might come up with a new roommate from varying backgrounds, experience and values. Does your daughter have a clue about how to negotiate appropriate rules or boundaries of say alcohol, drugs and day or overnight visitors?
And, of course, you need to talk about such scenarios both from the idea of her or the other girl wanting to do whatever.....
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 15:25     Subject: Re:Sending "recovered" ASD kid to college
Anonymous wrote:People who are advising OP to keep her DD home... what are you afraid of? What do you think will happen if her DD goes off to school and fails?

The worst that I see is that she flunks her classes and doesn't adjust socially. If that happens, OP can bring her home and enroll her in community college in spring. Plenty of kids have simiiar experiences and go on to regroup and find success.


That she'll have a huge mental health meltdown and be in a much worse state than if she just stayed home now, or worse yet, harm herself.

That her bad semester will really damage her overall GPA.

That OP will lose whatever money could have been refunded, plus a lot of travel and hassle dealing with her meltdown.

That there's really no harm in letting her try to pack her own stuff as a learning experience. Worst-case, some stuff is brought later, or she gets there a day late.

That OP needs to find the money for the neuropsych because it's going to be needed sooner or later.

Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 15:00     Subject: Sending "recovered" ASD kid to college
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Dr Black does not take insurance.

The Neuropsych will run $4400. Not sure about Peers, 2-3k?


OP. We cannot afford this! There must be people who do this who take insurance? Does anyone know?


It will be cheaper than sending her off to college expecting her to fail.

The problem with "you have to let your child fail, to allow them to succeed" does not work when the child has SNs. OP DD does not have the tools to cope. For instance, being able to recognize when one needs help and asking for help.


She is an adult. Don't infantilize her just because she is special needs. I have a kid with an ASD. I follow my own advice. He is allowed to push as far as he thinks he can go, even if I don't thik he can do it. Sometimes he is right and I am wrong. Sometimes I am right. You have to treat kids with ASDs as adults when they become adults. You have to let them try. If you don't, you're going to end up with a pissed off kid living in your basement.


The kid is going to fail and end up living in the basement. OP's DD has no diagnosis and weren't taught any coping skills to deal with her issues. Can't even pack. Recipe for disaster.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 15:00     Subject: Re:Sending "recovered" ASD kid to college
People who are advising OP to keep her DD home... what are you afraid of? What do you think will happen if her DD goes off to school and fails?

The worst that I see is that she flunks her classes and doesn't adjust socially. If that happens, OP can bring her home and enroll her in community college in spring. Plenty of kids have simiiar experiences and go on to regroup and find success.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 14:59     Subject: Sending "recovered" ASD kid to college
You have to let them fail sometimes, I totally agree. But why not just let her fail at packing and getting in the car, rather than failing at college with all the long-term consequences for her GPA and peer relationships.

I hate to bring this up, but the risk of self-harm among struggling college students is real. Are you totally comfortable having her far from home, flailing and dealing with what appear to be very real mental health problems?
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 14:58     Subject: Sending "recovered" ASD kid to college
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for your comments. They are helping me think about what we are facing.

I decided to pack for DD. She can't do it. I've given up trying. It's too overwhelming for her. She won't get to college if she packs for herself.

12:41, I agree with you. DD is completely resistant to the idea that she has challenges. I doubt she'll reach out for help when the time comes.

This thread has really helped me see better what I need to do to help DD, despite her obnoxious behavior. I've been trying to push her to become more independent, but she's not ready and doesn't realize it.

Since we have the FERPA, can I just call the psychologists at her school and alert them that she might develop a problem? I'm not sure how to deal with a problem that hasn't happened.

Thank you 12:36. I've been thinking that I will need to set up her room and walk her through some routines (if she'll let me!). I will make a schedule for her for eating, sleeping, going to class, washing her clothes. If she gets desperate, she may even look at it!

I think she'll be an OK roommate, at least at first. She's quiet and somewhat neat. If she starts sleeping all the time, then we'll have a reason to push for a single.

She will have time management and study skills support -- I signed her up for that right away.

If we kept her at home, she'd get depressed and spend all day on her computer, but she would not socialize or get out and do things. College at least will provide some structure for her.

I cannot apply for a single until there's a problem. She has no diagnosis! That's not been a problem until now. I think she does have some ADHD, but again, so hard to diagnose. I think her issue is mostly ASD, the very edge of the spectrum, plus other issues. Some kids don't fall into any categories.

I wish we could afford the PEER program, but we can't. We can't afford a neuropsych either, alas. We have crappy insurance.

Back to her packing! Sigh.


How will she be an ok roommate if she can't even do her own laundry and is incapable of basic life management like packing? And is nasty and condescending when challenged, has social awkwardness, is arrogant, and stays up all night?


How is this different than about 10% of the freshman class at any school, in general? You have to let her try.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 14:57     Subject: Sending "recovered" ASD kid to college
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Dr Black does not take insurance.

The Neuropsych will run $4400. Not sure about Peers, 2-3k?


OP. We cannot afford this! There must be people who do this who take insurance? Does anyone know?


It will be cheaper than sending her off to college expecting her to fail.

The problem with "you have to let your child fail, to allow them to succeed" does not work when the child has SNs. OP DD does not have the tools to cope. For instance, being able to recognize when one needs help and asking for help.


She is an adult. Don't infantilize her just because she is special needs. I have a kid with an ASD. I follow my own advice. He is allowed to push as far as he thinks he can go, even if I don't thik he can do it. Sometimes he is right and I am wrong. Sometimes I am right. You have to treat kids with ASDs as adults when they become adults. You have to let them try. If you don't, you're going to end up with a pissed off kid living in your basement.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 14:55     Subject: Sending "recovered" ASD kid to college
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Dr Black does not take insurance.

The Neuropsych will run $4400. Not sure about Peers, 2-3k?


OP. We cannot afford this! There must be people who do this who take insurance? Does anyone know?


It will be cheaper than sending her off to college expecting her to fail.

The problem with "you have to let your child fail, to allow them to succeed" does not work when the child has SNs. OP DD does not have the tools to cope. For instance, being able to recognize when one needs help and asking for help.


It's too late! We've already paid her tuition, for the first semester.

I agree that we need to support her, but at some point, she must accept that she's disabled. She has to learn to recognize when she needs help. How will she survive if she doesn't develop this skill? I can't tell her this. She has to see that she can't succeed at college without help. She knows intellectually that she has issues, but she's been a top athlete and a great student at her high school. She has never failed, in large part because we have supported her. We're not withdrawing support, but she will have to take care of herself on her own at college. She's going to have to learn how much she can/can't do without living at home, and I can't tell her. So, yes, I suppose we are sending her off, expecting failure. It's a pretty terrible situation for a parent to be in.


Just bc your DD is a top athlete and gets great grades does not mean she is "recovered" and you should send her out "to see for herself". I know lots of people with ASD or ADHD or both who did just fine without a diagnosis or supports in college but they were able to pack themselves. If your top student/athlete is unable to organize herself to GO to college not sure how you can expect her to succeed there.

Also, most everyone I know who were diagnosed with ASD or ADHD as adults all wish they were diagnosed sooner. I know I do.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 14:54     Subject: Sending "recovered" ASD kid to college
Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for your comments. They are helping me think about what we are facing.

I decided to pack for DD. She can't do it. I've given up trying. It's too overwhelming for her. She won't get to college if she packs for herself.

12:41, I agree with you. DD is completely resistant to the idea that she has challenges. I doubt she'll reach out for help when the time comes.

This thread has really helped me see better what I need to do to help DD, despite her obnoxious behavior. I've been trying to push her to become more independent, but she's not ready and doesn't realize it.

Since we have the FERPA, can I just call the psychologists at her school and alert them that she might develop a problem? I'm not sure how to deal with a problem that hasn't happened.

Thank you 12:36. I've been thinking that I will need to set up her room and walk her through some routines (if she'll let me!). I will make a schedule for her for eating, sleeping, going to class, washing her clothes. If she gets desperate, she may even look at it!

I think she'll be an OK roommate, at least at first. She's quiet and somewhat neat. If she starts sleeping all the time, then we'll have a reason to push for a single.

She will have time management and study skills support -- I signed her up for that right away.

If we kept her at home, she'd get depressed and spend all day on her computer, but she would not socialize or get out and do things. College at least will provide some structure for her.

I cannot apply for a single until there's a problem. She has no diagnosis! That's not been a problem until now. I think she does have some ADHD, but again, so hard to diagnose. I think her issue is mostly ASD, the very edge of the spectrum, plus other issues. Some kids don't fall into any categories.

I wish we could afford the PEER program, but we can't. We can't afford a neuropsych either, alas. We have crappy insurance.

Back to her packing! Sigh.


How will she be an ok roommate if she can't even do her own laundry and is incapable of basic life management like packing? And is nasty and condescending when challenged, has social awkwardness, is arrogant, and stays up all night?
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2015 14:54     Subject: Sending "recovered" ASD kid to college
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Dr Black does not take insurance.

The Neuropsych will run $4400. Not sure about Peers, 2-3k?


OP. We cannot afford this! There must be people who do this who take insurance? Does anyone know?


Check with her campus. The psych department may do testing. My oldest was tested and DXd for free through a campus agency. The testing was done by a psychology professor, who had grad students observing during the testing process. Her campus might have something like that.