Anonymous
Post 07/26/2015 08:42     Subject: My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, here is a different perspective from that of PPs who have posted. I know what your husband is going through bc my husband and I used condoms as our primary form of birth control. He then "forgot" to put one on one night and came in me when I was drunk and he was sober. This was after we had a discussion about children and had agreed on no kids indefinitely. I ended up pregnant. He still claims that he sincerely forgot the condom, but while I was pregnant, he admitted that he had been secretly sad that, when we had had our discussion, I did not want a child.

The entire pregnancy was one big stages of grief process for me. Even as I fell in love with the baby, my rage continued to churn against him. Our daughter is now seven months, and I still feel the anger towards my husband bubble up after a particularly rough night of the baby not sleeping and me having to struggle at work the next day. Maybe it is worse for me than it is for your husband because I actually had to carry the pregnancy and breastfeed and I am the one who mostly stays up with our daughter because she wants me, not him. But as much as I love our daughter, I am still grieving the life I worked to have and angry about the betrayal of trust. I feel trapped sometimes and just crushed by the fact that parenthood is a life sentence of sorts. I can't sleep in peace, go out with friends without major logistical issued, I am struggling at work, my finances have taken a hit from the expense etc. It has definitely affected how I feel about DH, although he is an otherwise good and loving man. We are now in counseling and I have yet to tell the counselor that our daughter is the source of much of my anger towards DH because what mother feels loss and rage over being a mom? But the feeling is there and it makes me overreact to other issues in our marriage. Sometimes, my daughter is the only reason I am still in this marriage.


Except that you had a choice and could have terminated the pregnancy. Clearly you should have. So stop being angry at him and be angry at yourself.


PP here. I considered this early on, but was not sure I was capable of taking my baby's life. After seeing my innocent little child at my first ultrasound, I KNEW there was no way I could terminate. I am pro-choice all the way and the choice I made was that my baby deserved life. But was I still angry at DH for deliberately creating that situation? Oh yes.


Gag! Diabetics, do not read the above saccharine response. Give us all a break. You decided to have this baby and, therefore, you need to get off your high horse.


Whether she chose to terminate or not the pregnancy has nothing to do with the fact her husband tricked her about birth control. It wasn't an accident. It was deliberate. These folks have every right to be very mad, hurt, and distrustful to the core when their partners failed them like this.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2015 08:15     Subject: My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child
Anonymous wrote:Yes, counseling. Be prepared for some ugly stuff coming out.

BTW, while I think OP is very deceitful and wrong, men also need to learn that they can control their own reproductive destiny. If you really don't want kids, get a vasectomy. Why would you rely on your wife taking b.c. pills for years or undergoing a very invasive surgery. I am dealing with this in my own house right now, so it hits home and pisses me off!


Or at the very least, he can put a condom on every time.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2015 07:39     Subject: My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child
Anonymous wrote:You can choose the life you have or choose another one and live that. But to live in limbo is, essentially, to choose to be angry and resentful and look to anyone else to blame but yourself. It's a cowardly way to not-act.

So please just be honest and get counseling. The choice might be to divorce and have the father (or other spouse) not have full custody or even give up full parental rights. It might take a great toll on your child to have been unchosen in this way, and the retaining spouse will probably just have to lay it out straight: "There is nothing wrong with you, my darling, you were born perfect. Something is "wrong" with your papa/mama, because although there are two people who were ready to love him/her for all his/her perfections and faults, he/she could not accept that love. So never wonder if it was you, if you are "unlovable" because you are perfect and lovable. The problem was with your father/mother. I cannot explain the unexplainable."


Give me a break, the likelihood of OP's husband wanting to terminate his parental rights is almost nil. I doubt he actually resents his child, his anger is more focused on OP. If he does in fact resent his child, the societal pressure to remain father, at least on paper, is strong and you can not just "sign your rights away" as easily as you state.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2015 07:33     Subject: My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child
Yes, counseling. Be prepared for some ugly stuff coming out.

BTW, while I think OP is very deceitful and wrong, men also need to learn that they can control their own reproductive destiny. If you really don't want kids, get a vasectomy. Why would you rely on your wife taking b.c. pills for years or undergoing a very invasive surgery. I am dealing with this in my own house right now, so it hits home and pisses me off!
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2015 07:25     Subject: Re:My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child
He doesn't resent your child, you know. He resents that you deceived him. You're deliberately framing this to reflect badly on him, it seems.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2015 01:47     Subject: My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child
You can choose the life you have or choose another one and live that. But to live in limbo is, essentially, to choose to be angry and resentful and look to anyone else to blame but yourself. It's a cowardly way to not-act.

So please just be honest and get counseling. The choice might be to divorce and have the father (or other spouse) not have full custody or even give up full parental rights. It might take a great toll on your child to have been unchosen in this way, and the retaining spouse will probably just have to lay it out straight: "There is nothing wrong with you, my darling, you were born perfect. Something is "wrong" with your papa/mama, because although there are two people who were ready to love him/her for all his/her perfections and faults, he/she could not accept that love. So never wonder if it was you, if you are "unlovable" because you are perfect and lovable. The problem was with your father/mother. I cannot explain the unexplainable."
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2015 00:06     Subject: My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, here is a different perspective from that of PPs who have posted. I know what your husband is going through bc my husband and I used condoms as our primary form of birth control. He then "forgot" to put one on one night and came in me when I was drunk and he was sober. This was after we had a discussion about children and had agreed on no kids indefinitely. I ended up pregnant. He still claims that he sincerely forgot the condom, but while I was pregnant, he admitted that he had been secretly sad that, when we had had our discussion, I did not want a child.

The entire pregnancy was one big stages of grief process for me. Even as I fell in love with the baby, my rage continued to churn against him. Our daughter is now seven months, and I still feel the anger towards my husband bubble up after a particularly rough night of the baby not sleeping and me having to struggle at work the next day. Maybe it is worse for me than it is for your husband because I actually had to carry the pregnancy and breastfeed and I am the one who mostly stays up with our daughter because she wants me, not him. But as much as I love our daughter, I am still grieving the life I worked to have and angry about the betrayal of trust. I feel trapped sometimes and just crushed by the fact that parenthood is a life sentence of sorts. I can't sleep in peace, go out with friends without major logistical issued, I am struggling at work, my finances have taken a hit from the expense etc. It has definitely affected how I feel about DH, although he is an otherwise good and loving man. We are now in counseling and I have yet to tell the counselor that our daughter is the source of much of my anger towards DH because what mother feels loss and rage over being a mom? But the feeling is there and it makes me overreact to other issues in our marriage. Sometimes, my daughter is the only reason I am still in this marriage.


Except that you had a choice and could have terminated the pregnancy. Clearly you should have. So stop being angry at him and be angry at yourself.


PP here. I considered this early on, but was not sure I was capable of taking my baby's life. After seeing my innocent little child at my first ultrasound, I KNEW there was no way I could terminate. I am pro-choice all the way and the choice I made was that my baby deserved life. But was I still angry at DH for deliberately creating that situation? Oh yes.


Gag! Diabetics, do not read the above saccharine response. Give us all a break. You decided to have this baby and, therefore, you need to get off your high horse.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2015 23:53     Subject: My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, here is a different perspective from that of PPs who have posted. I know what your husband is going through bc my husband and I used condoms as our primary form of birth control. He then "forgot" to put one on one night and came in me when I was drunk and he was sober. This was after we had a discussion about children and had agreed on no kids indefinitely. I ended up pregnant. He still claims that he sincerely forgot the condom, but while I was pregnant, he admitted that he had been secretly sad that, when we had had our discussion, I did not want a child.

The entire pregnancy was one big stages of grief process for me. Even as I fell in love with the baby, my rage continued to churn against him. Our daughter is now seven months, and I still feel the anger towards my husband bubble up after a particularly rough night of the baby not sleeping and me having to struggle at work the next day. Maybe it is worse for me than it is for your husband because I actually had to carry the pregnancy and breastfeed and I am the one who mostly stays up with our daughter because she wants me, not him. But as much as I love our daughter, I am still grieving the life I worked to have and angry about the betrayal of trust. I feel trapped sometimes and just crushed by the fact that parenthood is a life sentence of sorts. I can't sleep in peace, go out with friends without major logistical issued, I am struggling at work, my finances have taken a hit from the expense etc. It has definitely affected how I feel about DH, although he is an otherwise good and loving man. We are now in counseling and I have yet to tell the counselor that our daughter is the source of much of my anger towards DH because what mother feels loss and rage over being a mom? But the feeling is there and it makes me overreact to other issues in our marriage. Sometimes, my daughter is the only reason I am still in this marriage.


Except that you had a choice and could have terminated the pregnancy. Clearly you should have. So stop being angry at him and be angry at yourself.


PP here. I considered this early on, but was not sure I was capable of taking my baby's life. After seeing my innocent little child at my first ultrasound, I KNEW there was no way I could terminate. I am pro-choice all the way and the choice I made was that my baby deserved life. But was I still angry at DH for deliberately creating that situation? Oh yes.


Of course this is sound reasoning. HOWEVER you then loose the right to continue to be angry. You chose to continue the pregnancy. End of story. OP's husband had his choices taken away. She deceived him about birth control and then it wasn't his choice whether to continue the pregnancy.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2015 23:42     Subject: My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You went off birth control for three weeks and you insisted on having sex, despite agreeing not to have children? I'd be resentful as well.

Did you bother telling DH you were off birth control for those three weeks?


You were not taking bc pills and your DH, who knew he never wanted to have kids continued to have sex with you?

He's responsible too - if he knew.


She had already said that she did not tell him that she was not taking her pills. Whether they should have done a permanent form of BC is irrelevant. At this point in time, she agreed to take the pill, and she didn't do it.

As I stated earlier, my DH and I agreed that our form of BC is the pill. If I decide to stop taking it and don't tell him, he isn't at fault. And it is callous as hell to say that he had a choice to tell her to abort. He was duped by his wife, and has the right to say so, and the right to say that she and the situation sucks. Parenting is hard as someone who wanted kids, so I am surecthatvitvis even moreso for someone who didn't want kids.

All that said - the early years are HARD. This could be a blip on your marriage radar, or this could be the beginning of the end. You NEED counseling. I would go so far as to say you both need individual counseling as well as marriage counseling.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2015 22:35     Subject: My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You went off birth control for three weeks and you insisted on having sex, despite agreeing not to have children? I'd be resentful as well.

Did you bother telling DH you were off birth control for those three weeks?


You were not taking bc pills and your DH, who knew he never wanted to have kids continued to have sex with you?

He's responsible too - if he knew.


I'm not convinced OP told him until it was too late. OP, I really see a divorce in your future.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2015 22:24     Subject: My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child
Anonymous wrote:You went off birth control for three weeks and you insisted on having sex, despite agreeing not to have children? I'd be resentful as well.

Did you bother telling DH you were off birth control for those three weeks?


You were not taking bc pills and your DH, who knew he never wanted to have kids continued to have sex with you?

He's responsible too - if he knew.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2015 19:49     Subject: Re:My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child
Anonymous wrote:Agree with others he should have also taken responsibility for BC. He expected you to be on hormones until menopause? That's BS and so selfish.


Yes. If he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he didn't want a child he should have gotten snipped. But, he didn't. And she lied (by omission) to him. And now he has a kid he didn't really want and is pissed off about it all. Counseling is all you can do as you may be headed for divorce.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2015 18:33     Subject: Re:My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child
Agree with others he should have also taken responsibility for BC. He expected you to be on hormones until menopause? That's BS and so selfish.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2015 18:06     Subject: My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child
OP, I have a feeling that you did not tell him you were pregnant until it was too late to abort, which makes what you did even more reorehensible.

You might as well face the cold, hard fact that you are headed for a divorce. I could not stay with some one whom I could nevet trust. You are so untrustworthy that if you tell him the time, he checks his watch, because he can believe nothing you say.

I hope you are happy with being a single parent. Is it even his child?
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2015 17:53     Subject: Re:My husband confessed that he is resentful about us having a child
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

He's right. You were irresponsible. How could you not fill your prescription for 3 weeks?! Did you not use other birth control during the time.

What you did was very deceitful. No wonder your husband is resentful.


I agree.


+3. I have been on the pill for years. My DH fully trusts that I am taking my pill. He isn't going to ask every time we have sex did I take my pill.

You need to be honest with yourself. You did this on purpose, knowing you could get pregnant and you deliberately took that chance. Until you are honest about your actions, you can't help your DH or your marriage.