Anonymous wrote:It seems like a lot of posters on this thread are taking a much harder line than OP has in either direction. I've posted a couple of times to note that OP actually seems pretty reasonable and we have no reason to think her DH and SD are not reasonable. OP, just curious. Have you talked to your DH about this yet? What about your SD? I am interested to hear how this all shakes out. I hope you three can find some compromise that feels respectful to all three of you.

I agree that OP sounds a lot more reasonable than many posters on this thread. My guess is that she is looking for reassurance that she - and her children - will not lose their Jewish identity because of a Christmas tree. She is wondering how others perceive a tree, what it symbolizes, what is says about HER. Just my opinion but i think Jewish identity is strong and complex and is also a state of mind - not so easily dismantled by an object. And while i am not Jewish I am well aware that there is much more to Judaism than shielding one's family from other cultures and traditions. Perhaps talk to your children about what makes them Jewish, i bet it would be an interesting conversation.
OP did marry someone non-Jewish so she has somewhat assimilated already. For those of you who are freaking out about the tree contaminating the Jewish home as if it is a toxic gas, you sound a bit over the top to me. As a Christian mother it is a huge priority to teach my children love, respect, tolerance and understanding of ALL people from ALL backgrounds. Seems weird to me that others choose to be insular, I don't see how this benefits anyone. In this community (DC area) i don't feel like we are the "dominant" culture at all btw.

Anonymous wrote:It seems like a lot of posters on this thread are taking a much harder line than OP has in either direction. I've posted a couple of times to note that OP actually seems pretty reasonable and we have no reason to think her DH and SD are not reasonable. OP, just curious. Have you talked to your DH about this yet? What about your SD? I am interested to hear how this all shakes out. I hope you three can find some compromise that feels respectful to all three of you.

OP here--no, I haven't brought it up to him yet. I wanted to figure out the significance before I opened the conversation.

It seems like a lot of posters on this thread are taking a much harder line than OP has in either direction. I've posted a couple of times to note that OP actually seems pretty reasonable and we have no reason to think her DH and SD are not reasonable. OP, just curious. Have you talked to your DH about this yet? What about your SD? I am interested to hear how this all shakes out. I hope you three can find some compromise that feels respectful to all three of you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please please please stick to your guns on this one. A Christmas tree is an overtly Christian symbol and it will only confuse your little ones, who already face enough pressure to assimilate. Your stepdaughter needs to respect your rules in your home. If she wants to celebrate Christmas, she can do it elsewhere.

its THEIR home

OP has generously allowed her adult stepchild to live (presumably rent free) in her jewish home. The stepdaughter needs to appreciate that. If she wants a big Christmas celebration, she can find more appropriate housing. She cannot force her beliefs on her jewish stepmother.

Sure, if OP is OK with her own kids being kicked out when they turn 18.

Then OP and her husband can discuss ways that her stepdaughter can celebrate Christmas in a way that doesn't involve a large Christmas tree in the living room. It seems like there is tons of room to work here. OP said she wouldn't object to a small naivety scene. Other possible choices would include a smaller tree in a less prominent area of the house. Personally, as both a Jew and a stepmom, I'd be most comfortable with something that was localized to a specific place and time, like a special meal or activity

However, this might all be putting the cart before the house. If there are specific lines, the OP doesn't wish to cross (large tree in living room, for example), she needs to make that clear. But the stepdaughter is only coming there for college. Who knows what her plans are for Christmas break. If she's off traveling or with her mom, this all might be a moot point. If a family Christmas celebration is important to stepdaughter, she might prefer to celebrate Christmas with her mom or other Christian family members. Seems less meaningful for her too to spend it in a house full of Jews!

A Christmas tree is not a need. As most people in this thread have remarked, it's a pagan symbol.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please please please stick to your guns on this one. A Christmas tree is an overtly Christian symbol and it will only confuse your little ones, who already face enough pressure to assimilate. Your stepdaughter needs to respect your rules in your home. If she wants to celebrate Christmas, she can do it elsewhere.

The stepdaughter didn't bring it up; OP's DH did. He wants to have it in their home this Christmas and asked where they should put it, not whether they should have one. Those little ones are his children, too.

DH agreed to raise their kids a certain way. Now he's trying to change their agreement midstream. OP doesn't have to accept that.

He doesn't appear to be trying to change the way the children with OP are raised. Instead, he is honoring the beliefs of his child with his previous wife. That child is his just as much as the younger ones are.

I take it you're not jewish. Being a Jew means fighting against thousands of years of attempts to annihilate and assimilate your people into the dominant culture. That means drawing a hard line and not allowing your kids to dabble in other religions for fun and means maintaining a Jewish home. Husband is now moving the goalposts and trying to walk back his commitment to maintaining that Jewish home. That IS changing the way OP'a kids are being raised.

I think you're taking a harder line here than OP. I mean, OP intermarried and her husband didn't convert. She's likely already failed according to your standards of appropriate levels of Judaism.

OP - I think it says a lot that your DH raised this with you early. I understand wanting to keep a Jewish home in which your kids see their heritage and beliefs reflected. But I think you have the opportunity to teach them an equally important lesson here about religious tolerance and respect. Talk to your SD and ask her what she wants. Be open to hearing that she'd love to share her tradition of a small christmas tree and handmade ornaments with your children, her siblings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please please please stick to your guns on this one. A Christmas tree is an overtly Christian symbol and it will only confuse your little ones, who already face enough pressure to assimilate. Your stepdaughter needs to respect your rules in your home. If she wants to celebrate Christmas, she can do it elsewhere.

The stepdaughter didn't bring it up; OP's DH did. He wants to have it in their home this Christmas and asked where they should put it, not whether they should have one. Those little ones are his children, too.

DH agreed to raise their kids a certain way. Now he's trying to change their agreement midstream. OP doesn't have to accept that.

He doesn't appear to be trying to change the way the children with OP are raised. Instead, he is honoring the beliefs of his child with his previous wife. That child is his just as much as the younger ones are.

I take it you're not jewish. Being a Jew means fighting against thousands of years of attempts to annihilate and assimilate your people into the dominant culture. That means drawing a hard line and not allowing your kids to dabble in other religions for fun and means maintaining a Jewish home. Husband is now moving the goalposts and trying to walk back his commitment to maintaining that Jewish home. That IS changing the way OP'a kids are being raised.

One of the kids in this family is Catholic and celebrates Christmas. When OP married her husband, his kid with his previous wife became part of her family. You cannot treat those children as though their needs are not as important as the ones you gave birth to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please please please stick to your guns on this one. A Christmas tree is an overtly Christian symbol and it will only confuse your little ones, who already face enough pressure to assimilate. Your stepdaughter needs to respect your rules in your home. If she wants to celebrate Christmas, she can do it elsewhere.

The stepdaughter didn't bring it up; OP's DH did. He wants to have it in their home this Christmas and asked where they should put it, not whether they should have one. Those little ones are his children, too.

DH agreed to raise their kids a certain way. Now he's trying to change their agreement midstream. OP doesn't have to accept that.

He doesn't appear to be trying to change the way the children with OP are raised. Instead, he is honoring the beliefs of his child with his previous wife. That child is his just as much as the younger ones are.

I take it you're not jewish. Being a Jew means fighting against thousands of years of attempts to annihilate and assimilate your people into the dominant culture. That means drawing a hard line and not allowing your kids to dabble in other religions for fun and means maintaining a Jewish home. Husband is now moving the goalposts and trying to walk back his commitment to maintaining that Jewish home. That IS changing the way OP'a kids are being raised.

The tree is a symbol of the dominant culture that you'll spend the rest of your life helping your kids resist. Having a tree in your home tells your kids that it's OK to assimilate and celebrate other religions' holidays. That's not the message you want to send, OP. Your children are jewish and a Christmas tree doesn't belong in a jewish home. Period.

OP here--

Reading through the last 5 pages it seems that half the people believe a jewish home does not need to host a tree and half the people believe that a home in which a member is of a Christian faith should have a tree.

I go back and forth and can see both sides of the argument. On the one hand this is her home and she should feel comfortable. On the other, this is my home and I should feel comfortable. Yes, I am the older adult in this situation but that doesn't mean I can't have strong feelings about this. I suppose what makes me the older adult is how I choose to respond to my feelings.

My original questions were:
What is the meaning of the tree?
Why is the tree traditionally associated with Christianity?

From this thread I have learned that the tree is secular and that the tradition was taken from the pagan winter solstice. It seems that the tree isn't really related to the birth of Christ so I'm having a hard time understanding its significance.

If my SD would like to put a nativity scene on our dining room table next to the menorah, I have no issues or concerns. To me, that is a religious symbol and it acknowledges the Christmas holiday. I'm not sure why the nativity scene does not bother me as much as the tree.

Anonymous wrote:Please please please stick to your guns on this one. A Christmas tree is an overtly Christian symbol and it will only confuse your little ones, who already face enough pressure to assimilate. Your stepdaughter needs to respect your rules in your home. If she wants to celebrate Christmas, she can do it elsewhere.

Confused about who is the owner of the home. Does the OP solely own the house? If the mom and dad do not jointly own the house, then I guess it makes sense that the mom can make the decision solely on her own.

If they are married and joint owners of the home, then it makes more sense for them to honor the beliefs and cultures of all who belong to the family. The stepdaughter is part of this family, just as much as the younger children are. The most successful combined families I know treat all the children equally and are careful not to draw distinctions between "my" children and the stepchildren.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please please please stick to your guns on this one. A Christmas tree is an overtly Christian symbol and it will only confuse your little ones, who already face enough pressure to assimilate. Your stepdaughter needs to respect your rules in your home. If she wants to celebrate Christmas, she can do it elsewhere.

The stepdaughter didn't bring it up; OP's DH did. He wants to have it in their home this Christmas and asked where they should put it, not whether they should have one. Those little ones are his children, too.

DH agreed to raise their kids a certain way. Now he's trying to change their agreement midstream. OP doesn't have to accept that.

He doesn't appear to be trying to change the way the children with OP are raised. Instead, he is honoring the beliefs of his child with his previous wife. That child is his just as much as the younger ones are.

The bond between a parent and child does not go away when the child turns 18. An 18 year old is not a fully formed, independent adult. Eighteen year olds are still in need of the help, support, and love of their parents and this young person is just as much in need of her dad as the younger children in the family. Maybe more so because he has not lived with her for the past 10 years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please please please stick to your guns on this one. A Christmas tree is an overtly Christian symbol and it will only confuse your little ones, who already face enough pressure to assimilate. Your stepdaughter needs to respect your rules in your home. If she wants to celebrate Christmas, she can do it elsewhere.

The stepdaughter didn't bring it up; OP's DH did. He wants to have it in their home this Christmas and asked where they should put it, not whether they should have one. Those little ones are his children, too.

DH agreed to raise their kids a certain way. Now he's trying to change their agreement midstream. OP doesn't have to accept that.

Anonymous wrote:Please please please stick to your guns on this one. A Christmas tree is an overtly Christian symbol and it will only confuse your little ones, who already face enough pressure to assimilate. Your stepdaughter needs to respect your rules in your home. If she wants to celebrate Christmas, she can do it elsewhere.

The stepdaughter didn't bring it up; OP's DH did. He wants to have it in their home this Christmas and asked where they should put it, not whether they should have one. Those little ones are his children, too.