Anonymous
06/25/2015 08:51
Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
Sometimes the dark family history is the most interesting. My aunt always said that my great grandparents made their money by selling extra rations of gasoline during WW2 as they owned many gas stations. Grandma denies it fiercely. I think her generation never talked about the bad.
Anonymous
06/25/2015 08:49
Subject: Re:Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:What an odd thread. I come from a family of storytellers, and there certainly hasn't been any attempt to whitewash pretty awful behavior in our family's past. I can't imagine not feeling comfortable asking my mother. "Hey mom, I've been meaning to ask you something. Cousin Velma told me this crazy story that Paw Paw was a grand wizard in the KKK. That seems outrageous to me. Do you know anything about that?"
Then take cues from mom about whether to leave it alone or not. I agree that as we get older we often are more interested in the memories and experiences that our older relatives had, both good and bad. I also don't think that it's a bad thing to be curious or ask questions if it's done respectfully.
This. So mom says she doesn't want to talk about it or maybe she does.
Anonymous
06/25/2015 08:10
Subject: Re:Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
What an odd thread. I come from a family of storytellers, and there certainly hasn't been any attempt to whitewash pretty awful behavior in our family's past. I can't imagine not feeling comfortable asking my mother. "Hey mom, I've been meaning to ask you something. Cousin Velma told me this crazy story that Paw Paw was a grand wizard in the KKK. That seems outrageous to me. Do you know anything about that?"
Then take cues from mom about whether to leave it alone or not. I agree that as we get older we often are more interested in the memories and experiences that our older relatives had, both good and bad. I also don't think that it's a bad thing to be curious or ask questions if it's done respectfully.
Then take cues from mom about whether to leave it alone or not. I agree that as we get older we often are more interested in the memories and experiences that our older relatives had, both good and bad. I also don't think that it's a bad thing to be curious or ask questions if it's done respectfully.
Anonymous
06/25/2015 07:22
Subject: Re:Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thank you for all of these interesting perspectives.
In thinking about why I want to know more -- I guess to fill in gaps in the family story line. If this is all true, it does explain a few gaps in the big picture. It would also, in some weird way, make my grandfather more real to me. All I've ever heard is how wonderful, smart, kind, generous etc he was. It does display the good side/ bad side of human nature. Also, my father died last year and I'm becoming increasingly aware of how these stories -- bad and good -- will not always be available to us.
However, I also think there is no reason to upset my mother by bringing this up again at this stage in her life. I don't know if she ever made peace with it, but my rehashing it now will not help that.
I think I can assume that it is true and as posters have suggested, I could always research more on my own if I ever really want to know. And there is nothing to prevent me from making my own form of restitution in a quiet way, perhaps by making a donation of money and/or volunteer time that would help the larger issue. No, it will not change what happened all those yea Thrs ago but could close the circle among these generations of my family.
Not knowing what this secret is, I think the bolded part is a good idea. Make amends I guess where and how you can, and leave your mom out of it. She's dealt with it or not, but at this stage I doubt she needs to rehash it at all. There are gaps in a lot of families, and I'm of the mind that dark family secrets don't always need to be shared.
I agree, and I think the OP is a good person for making quiet restitution. No he did not commit the crime and does not owe the victim - but I absolutely think he should do something nice, if in a position to do so (some scholarship money for any a descendant?)
I suppose this is DC, but I shouldn't be surprised - Everyone fighting for the delicate sensibilities of a family that protected a person that did something horrible. Oh boo hoo. I bet law enforcement would disagree with you... and the victim and his/her families.
Anonymous
06/24/2015 22:20
Subject: Re:Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My mother's stepfather was a member of the KKK. Hard to think of something worse than that. I believe my mother. If you trust your mother to tell you the truth, ask her.
It gets much worse than that.
One of my grandfathers beat his wife and repeatedly raped his 14 year old son.
The other one shot a cop while burglarizing a liquor store in the 40s and ran to California and lived under an alias to avoid prison.
You've got to be kidding me. I can think of a shitload of things that are worse than being a member of the KKK - including this PP's grandfather who repeatedly raped his son and a PP's great uncle who made and distributed child porn.
You obviously don't have a clue what the KKK did.
They're all bad. No need for a pissing contest about whose relative committed worse crimes. Unless a grandchild of Hitler or Stalin is posting on this board, in which case, congratulations, you win.
Anonymous
06/24/2015 20:48
Subject: Re:Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:My mother's stepfather was a member of the KKK. Hard to think of something worse than that. I believe my mother. If you trust your mother to tell you the truth, ask her.
It gets much worse than that.
One of my grandfathers beat his wife and repeatedly raped his 14 year old son.
The other one shot a cop while burglarizing a liquor store in the 40s and ran to California and lived under an alias to avoid prison.
You've got to be kidding me. I can think of a shitload of things that are worse than being a member of the KKK - including this PP's grandfather who repeatedly raped his son and a PP's great uncle who made and distributed child porn.
You obviously don't have a clue what the KKK did.
Anonymous
06/24/2015 20:25
Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
OP it's lame that you won't tell us the secret, even in general terms.
Anonymous
06/24/2015 20:19
Subject: Re:Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:+1Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thank you for all of these interesting perspectives.
In thinking about why I want to know more -- I guess to fill in gaps in the family story line. If this is all true, it does explain a few gaps in the big picture. It would also, in some weird way, make my grandfather more real to me. All I've ever heard is how wonderful, smart, kind, generous etc he was. It does display the good side/ bad side of human nature. Also, my father died last year and I'm becoming increasingly aware of how these stories -- bad and good -- will not always be available to us.
However, I also think there is no reason to upset my mother by bringing this up again at this stage in her life. I don't know if she ever made peace with it, but my rehashing it now will not help that.
I think I can assume that it is true and as posters have suggested, I could always research more on my own if I ever really want to know. And there is nothing to prevent me from making my own form of restitution in a quiet way, perhaps by making a donation of money and/or volunteer time that would help the larger issue. No, it will not change what happened all those yea Thrs ago but could close the circle among these generations of my family.
Not knowing what this secret is, I think the bolded part is a good idea. Make amends I guess where and how you can, and leave your mom out of it. She's dealt with it or not, but at this stage I doubt she needs to rehash it at all. There are gaps in a lot of families, and I'm of the mind that dark family secrets don't always need to be shared.
Why would you make amends for something that you don't even know your family member did? I can't imagine doing that unless I was pretty darned positive that 1) The family member did it 2) I had somehow personally benefited somehow from their misdeeds.
Anonymous
06/24/2015 20:18
Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
How did this become a thread about whether it's worse to be in the KKK or a child pornographer?
My mother once told me a family secret about my great grandfather. He was also lionized by the family. He was a big shot lawyer in a rural area who accumulated enough land to split it between eight children. The secret helped me understand my mother and aunt better as they have totally different relationships with that part of the family. My aunt wants nothing to do with them and my mother keeps in touch with them. I think my mother would have never told if we hadn't happen to talk about a former neighbor who was a troubled man. I think you should bring it up once and if your mother won't talk about it then don't bring it up again.
My mother once told me a family secret about my great grandfather. He was also lionized by the family. He was a big shot lawyer in a rural area who accumulated enough land to split it between eight children. The secret helped me understand my mother and aunt better as they have totally different relationships with that part of the family. My aunt wants nothing to do with them and my mother keeps in touch with them. I think my mother would have never told if we hadn't happen to talk about a former neighbor who was a troubled man. I think you should bring it up once and if your mother won't talk about it then don't bring it up again.
Anonymous
06/24/2015 20:00
Subject: Re:Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
My mother's stepfather was a member of the KKK. Hard to think of something worse than that. I believe my mother. If you trust your mother to tell you the truth, ask her.
It gets much worse than that.
One of my grandfathers beat his wife and repeatedly raped his 14 year old son.
The other one shot a cop while burglarizing a liquor store in the 40s and ran to California and lived under an alias to avoid prison.
You've got to be kidding me. I can think of a shitload of things that are worse than being a member of the KKK - including this PP's grandfather who repeatedly raped his son and a PP's great uncle who made and distributed child porn.
Anonymous
06/24/2015 19:59
Subject: Re:Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
+1Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thank you for all of these interesting perspectives.
In thinking about why I want to know more -- I guess to fill in gaps in the family story line. If this is all true, it does explain a few gaps in the big picture. It would also, in some weird way, make my grandfather more real to me. All I've ever heard is how wonderful, smart, kind, generous etc he was. It does display the good side/ bad side of human nature. Also, my father died last year and I'm becoming increasingly aware of how these stories -- bad and good -- will not always be available to us.
However, I also think there is no reason to upset my mother by bringing this up again at this stage in her life. I don't know if she ever made peace with it, but my rehashing it now will not help that.
I think I can assume that it is true and as posters have suggested, I could always research more on my own if I ever really want to know. And there is nothing to prevent me from making my own form of restitution in a quiet way, perhaps by making a donation of money and/or volunteer time that would help the larger issue. No, it will not change what happened all those yea Thrs ago but could close the circle among these generations of my family.
Not knowing what this secret is, I think the bolded part is a good idea. Make amends I guess where and how you can, and leave your mom out of it. She's dealt with it or not, but at this stage I doubt she needs to rehash it at all. There are gaps in a lot of families, and I'm of the mind that dark family secrets don't always need to be shared.
Anonymous
06/24/2015 19:47
Subject: Re:Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thank you for all of these interesting perspectives.
In thinking about why I want to know more -- I guess to fill in gaps in the family story line. If this is all true, it does explain a few gaps in the big picture. It would also, in some weird way, make my grandfather more real to me. All I've ever heard is how wonderful, smart, kind, generous etc he was. It does display the good side/ bad side of human nature. Also, my father died last year and I'm becoming increasingly aware of how these stories -- bad and good -- will not always be available to us.
However, I also think there is no reason to upset my mother by bringing this up again at this stage in her life. I don't know if she ever made peace with it, but my rehashing it now will not help that.
I think I can assume that it is true and as posters have suggested, I could always research more on my own if I ever really want to know. And there is nothing to prevent me from making my own form of restitution in a quiet way, perhaps by making a donation of money and/or volunteer time that would help the larger issue. No, it will not change what happened all those yea Thrs ago but could close the circle among these generations of my family.
Not knowing what this secret is, I think the bolded part is a good idea. Make amends I guess where and how you can, and leave your mom out of it. She's dealt with it or not, but at this stage I doubt she needs to rehash it at all. There are gaps in a lot of families, and I'm of the mind that dark family secrets don't always need to be shared.
Anonymous
06/24/2015 19:40
Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:are you always this self-centered?Anonymous wrote:I would ask without question.
And, if so, would you then post the news on Facebook?
"Just found out Grandpa was a Nazi!"
Anonymous
06/24/2015 19:38
Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
Anonymous wrote:. Only gassed women and children matter, not the men? Such is the f'd up mind of a dcum poster.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
If he was a Nazi, omg yes, tell me everything! What was that like? Why??
He raped a child? Nope. No thank you. Not interested.
So starving and gassing women and children isn't too horrible to know about?
+1
WTF
Oh, it's equally screwed up in my mind - I can't imagine the horror of that happening to my dh, dad, brother, sons. But women/children were traditionally viewed as defenseless and certainly children really are defenseless. So that is why I used that particular term.
Anonymous
06/24/2015 19:30
Subject: Dark Family Secret - WWYD?
. Only gassed women and children matter, not the men? Such is the f'd up mind of a dcum poster.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
If he was a Nazi, omg yes, tell me everything! What was that like? Why??
He raped a child? Nope. No thank you. Not interested.
So starving and gassing women and children isn't too horrible to know about?
+1
WTF