Anonymous
Post 06/23/2015 10:39     Subject: Am I wrong?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Realistically, will your MIL have to be your FIL's caregiver and spend many hours a week on that? I don't know how much she can really work if, say, she has to drive him to appointments, etc.


"His father has been diagnosed with a heart condition that means he will have to scale his hours back considerably."

It doesn't sound like he's at death's door and can work or collect disability.

MIL needs to work more than 15 hrs a week before they should expect help.


OP here - he has been put on a lot of medication and I believe he is being evaluated for some kind of bypass procedure. He is very fit and in shape from years of construction, but he is a heavy, three or four pack a day smoker, and I think that will affect his recovery.


So he smokes 3-4 packs a day?!? Probably why he needs a bypass even though he is fit. Irresponsible all the way around... Your MIL is a princess. She needs to work more hours.





OP here - yes, he is a super heavy smoker who had not been to the doctor in years until his wheezing and shortness of breath and chest pain became unbearable. There are many, many poor decisions at play in my in laws' lives. I really can't begin to detail just how poor their judgment is.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2015 10:33     Subject: Am I wrong?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Realistically, will your MIL have to be your FIL's caregiver and spend many hours a week on that? I don't know how much she can really work if, say, she has to drive him to appointments, etc.


"His father has been diagnosed with a heart condition that means he will have to scale his hours back considerably."

It doesn't sound like he's at death's door and can work or collect disability.

MIL needs to work more than 15 hrs a week before they should expect help.


OP here - he has been put on a lot of medication and I believe he is being evaluated for some kind of bypass procedure. He is very fit and in shape from years of construction, but he is a heavy, three or four pack a day smoker, and I think that will affect his recovery.


So he smokes 3-4 packs a day?!? Probably why he needs a bypass even though he is fit. Irresponsible all the way around... Your MIL is a princess. She needs to work more hours.



Anonymous
Post 06/23/2015 10:30     Subject: Re:Am I wrong?
Again, the HHI would give a good idea of whether or not helping them is a reasonable request.

Based on the fact you won't give the HHI, I'm going to assume it is sizable.

If you are making under $100K, no, there's no way you can support them if you living in the DC metro.

If, your household income is over $250K, then yes, you should be able to manage some sort of monthly allowance.

Another suggestion would be for them to sell all of the current property they own and move to a condo where they would not need to do to outside maintenance and, depending on where you buy, it might be better for you and your husband to buy the condo and put it in your name. You could cover the HOA fees and they would essentially not have rent.

Could they live on the social security benefits if they drastically cut their living expenses?

There's too many unknown factors in what you've provided to be able to give any practical advice.

While I get you think you shouldn't have to pay anything, I'm not sure this viewpoint is going to get you far in your relationship with your husband.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2015 10:30     Subject: Re:Am I wrong?

Of course your husband feels obligated to help his parents. The problem is that he will want to help them with spousal income earmarked for his own family's expenses. Sadly, your DH probably does not recognize how important it is to save and invest for future needs. Some people focus on current needs vs. future needs such as retirement, college funds, etc.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2015 10:24     Subject: Am I wrong?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Realistically, will your MIL have to be your FIL's caregiver and spend many hours a week on that? I don't know how much she can really work if, say, she has to drive him to appointments, etc.


"His father has been diagnosed with a heart condition that means he will have to scale his hours back considerably."

It doesn't sound like he's at death's door and can work or collect disability.

MIL needs to work more than 15 hrs a week before they should expect help.


OP here - he has been put on a lot of medication and I believe he is being evaluated for some kind of bypass procedure. He is very fit and in shape from years of construction, but he is a heavy, three or four pack a day smoker, and I think that will affect his recovery.


For sure-- and your MIL will likely need to care for him for a while at least.

Also, let's be realistic about her job. Is it a retail job? Sometimes people in those jobs have very little control over their hours, and cannot always get more hours just by asking. I totally agree that she should work as much as possible, but OP needs to have realistic expectations about what is likely to happen even if MIL is trying her best.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2015 10:22     Subject: Am I wrong?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Realistically, will your MIL have to be your FIL's caregiver and spend many hours a week on that? I don't know how much she can really work if, say, she has to drive him to appointments, etc.


"His father has been diagnosed with a heart condition that means he will have to scale his hours back considerably."

It doesn't sound like he's at death's door and can work or collect disability.

MIL needs to work more than 15 hrs a week before they should expect help.


OP here - he has been put on a lot of medication and I believe he is being evaluated for some kind of bypass procedure. He is very fit and in shape from years of construction, but he is a heavy, three or four pack a day smoker, and I think that will affect his recovery.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2015 10:16     Subject: Am I wrong?
Anonymous wrote:Realistically, will your MIL have to be your FIL's caregiver and spend many hours a week on that? I don't know how much she can really work if, say, she has to drive him to appointments, etc.


"His father has been diagnosed with a heart condition that means he will have to scale his hours back considerably."

It doesn't sound like he's at death's door and can work or collect disability.

MIL needs to work more than 15 hrs a week before they should expect help.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2015 10:11     Subject: Am I wrong?
Realistically, will your MIL have to be your FIL's caregiver and spend many hours a week on that? I don't know how much she can really work if, say, she has to drive him to appointments, etc.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2015 10:09     Subject: Re:Am I wrong?
What are the ages of the inlaws? What is your HHI?
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2015 10:08     Subject: Am I wrong?
Your lazy ass mil needs to work more than 15 hrs a week first before you start giving them any money.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2015 10:02     Subject: Am I wrong?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, increase your life insurance. And increase your general savings rate right now so that the money will be there when things get really bad.

I don't think you owe them much, in theory, but in practical terms it may be easier to help them out. It's not worth losing your marriage or your kids' relationship with their grandparents, is it? So I think you need to face facts that at some point, you will be paying. Hold out as long as you can so that there will be money when they are older and truly unable to work.

What does your DH say when you bring this up with him?

OP here - thank you for the practical advice. How would increasing my life insurance help? (Not arguing - that is a sincere question.) I have not brought this up because I am still too upset. I am just being supportive of DH during his father's health crisis. I think DH doesn't know how to ask me for money for them because I literally predicted all of this years ago. It took time to convince him that his parents were heading towards a bad end and he was very hostile to me on the topic before he finally came around and approached them with advice. They refused to listen and scapegoated me as the money-hungry wife who didn't want them to have a good time so that DH could inherit their savings (even though I never said anything to them about their lifestyle). Both DH and his parents have no leg to stand on if I say "told you so" and keep my money for my kids. DH also knows how they have treated me unfairly at times. Is this worth losing my marriage over? I love DH so much, but I wonder if he is worth keeping if he would mortgage our kids' future for his parents. This might be a matter of where loyalties lie.


First of all, do you and your husband have totally separate finances? If not, why is it "my money" and not "our money"? Second, who is asking you to "mortgage your kids' future?" Your husband hasn't even asked, and you alre already judging him for putting his parents over his kids. Third, what example do you want to set for your kids? Do you want them to cut you off totally because you made choices they didn't agree with? Or do you want them to find a way to be compassionate but responsible? I'm sure there are ways you can help his parents, if it comes to that, in ways that don't threaten your family's financial well-being. They are his parents--if he didn't care about them, that would not speak well of his character. Given your ongoing issues around money and his family, I strongly recommend a counselor and financial advisor who can help you work through these issues in a constructive way. Don't feel like you are supposed to just shovel money at them--I would definitely agree with (1) helping them research other forms of financial assistance, and (2) making your contribution, if any, directly paying an essential bill rather than an allowance--but remember that they are your husband's parents and he loves them.


There is a difference between cutting people off bc you disagree with them and expecting other people to pay for your mistakes. If we were talking about OP's grown adult children, people would be telling her to cut off the financial assistance bc supporting irresponsible adults will only enable them.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2015 09:56     Subject: Am I wrong?
Anonymous wrote:OP here - I should explain that I am 100% sure he's going to ask. DH and I have had this conversation before his father became ill. I told him how I felt about his parents selfish behavior and he told me that he would feel obligated to help them, but that there was no reason for us to resolve things at that time. Well, the time is here now.


Well, it's good that you know where he stands.

Divorce will not be better financially, and it will be much, much worse for your kids. So you and DH need to work out a plan as best you can. I think a counselor would really help you.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2015 09:54     Subject: Am I wrong?
I have no eye for decorating. Please give me $100,000 of your own money so that I can hire a decorator!
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2015 09:54     Subject: Am I wrong?
OP here - I should explain that I am 100% sure he's going to ask. DH and I have had this conversation before his father became ill. I told him how I felt about his parents selfish behavior and he told me that he would feel obligated to help them, but that there was no reason for us to resolve things at that time. Well, the time is here now.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2015 09:52     Subject: Am I wrong?
Anonymous wrote:I won't say whether you should or should not help them, but if you do, I wouldn't give the money directly to them since they have proven irresponsible with it. I'd offer to pay the electric bill, landlord, or have groceries delivered instead. Pay the bill, not the in laws since they'll likely waste it. That said, not everyone is good with money, so no judging there. Some people are naturally good savers, some figure out money management later in life and some never do. It's the same with all things. Some people are naturally athletic, or snappy dressers, or have an eye for decorating. Some don't. Stop judging people for being bad at something you happen to be good at.

do you realize how dumb this is --I mean reallyyyyyyyyy dumb.