How old is your son, OP?

He's a loser. Dump him.

DTMF.

What happened to DW and DH? They come here for advice and disappear.

Hmmm. But it's pretty obvious he cheated-- sleeping over a woman's house he frequently texted?!? I don't see any possibility of trust until he is truthful. And he hasn't been. It's not just forgiveness but also trust that is missing. He hasn't earned either. Fess up first. Then the rest becomes possible.

I think the W needs to be willing to forgive. If she's not, the whole effort is pointless. I have a family member who was cheated on, spouse repented, they reconciled, but family member could never really forgive, and spouse eventually left because spouse felt that they'd be paying for it forever. Both regretted everything, pretty much the whole way, and I think both continue to regret how it all worked out many years later.
So you really need to be able to forgive, or it just won't work. Reminding him over and over again that he screwed up and making him beg for forgiveness over and over again is not a way to move forward. He'll never really be able to adequately apologize, because, really, apologies can't make it right. She needs to be able to forgive in spite of that.
That said, H needs to realize how hard this is for W to forgive, and realize that to be worthy of that forgiveness, he needs to never do anything even remotely like that again. Cause it sounds like he won't get a third chance.

If my DH slept over another woman's house and lied about it, I would not be having such conversations with him. I would leave him for at least a temporary separation and go start seeing a trained counselor.

I wonder, if your son is troubledpotsmokinglivingwithyou, if you generally have a problem with boundaries and letting people take advantage of you and blinding yourself to the ways that people are using you.

I think this is an issue you need to take up yourself, for yourself, with a counselor. Decide what you think and feel on your own, without the influence of your spouse or the advice of random people on the internet, and make your decisions accordingly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think DH is using the stepson as an excuse. I think he mentioned it to show there are prior disagreements about living arrangements and other issues in the marriage. I agree, a pot-smoking adult in the mix is a bad idea, stepchild or not. I don't blame DH for being annoyed with the situation.

But being annoyed with stepson = justification for cheating?

Where does OP say that? I think you are inferring.

Grow up. Try behaving like an adult. Get a divorce and never remarry. Stop making people miserable.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think DH is using the stepson as an excuse. I think he mentioned it to show there are prior disagreements about living arrangements and other issues in the marriage. I agree, a pot-smoking adult in the mix is a bad idea, stepchild or not. I don't blame DH for being annoyed with the situation.

But being annoyed with stepson = justification for cheating?

Anonymous wrote:I don't think DH is using the stepson as an excuse. I think he mentioned it to show there are prior disagreements about living arrangements and other issues in the marriage. I agree, a pot-smoking adult in the mix is a bad idea, stepchild or not. I don't blame DH for being annoyed with the situation.

+1

he is lying and is trying to weasel himself back in. divorce.

I don't think DH is using the stepson as an excuse. I think he mentioned it to show there are prior disagreements about living arrangements and other issues in the marriage. I agree, a pot-smoking adult in the mix is a bad idea, stepchild or not. I don't blame DH for being annoyed with the situation.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're not going to be able to start healing and moving forward until he admits he was cheating and tells all. Come on. People tend to deny no matter how obvious it is. As long as he keeps lying and hiding things and rationalizing, he's not doing anything to give you a reason to stick around. He's not going to change, and you're not going to be able to heal. He's just sorry he got caught and he's dancing around. Why not just split up. It doesn't seem like it's worth the work it would take, if you don't have kids together and he can't even get to the point of full disclosure and starting to make amends.

This, plus he appears to have major issues with your son to the point that he wants to kick him out AND he uses your child as his excuse for cheating! Holy s--t. No wonder your son is troubled if this is his stepfather. For your kid's sake, move on, OP. And for your sake, don't stay with a cheater who lies in your face with ALL evidence to the contrary. I'm sorry.

OP, you're not going to be able to start healing and moving forward until he admits he was cheating and tells all. Come on. People tend to deny no matter how obvious it is. As long as he keeps lying and hiding things and rationalizing, he's not doing anything to give you a reason to stick around. He's not going to change, and you're not going to be able to heal. He's just sorry he got caught and he's dancing around. Why not just split up. It doesn't seem like it's worth the work it would take, if you don't have kids together and he can't even get to the point of full disclosure and starting to make amends.