Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you were asked you should have replied exactly as you said here - that you were looking forward to a week of cousin time and a chance to visit with four generations of your own family. You didn't voice your opinion so I'm afraid your brother is right, they did ask and you held your tongue. What's done is done.

This is all well and good but in reality if she had said no the SIL would have been furious. I can see why OP was put on the spot with this one.

How could you possibly know? And "furious" seems unlikely. The OP is just a big baby.

Because SIL seems entitled and the brother now knows that it is an issue and THEY ARE STILL COMING. OP is not being a baby. If the SIL wanted her family on the trip, she should have planned a trip. Her trip, her rules, her guests.

Anonymous wrote:Somehow I think you harpies would be singing a different tune if you had planned a vacation with your family and your bil invited his parents...

My SIL's parents and sister now join us every year for Christmas, often along with a family friend, or two, or three. If anyone on my side of the family minds, they're keeping it to themselves. SIL bringing her side of the family means that we get to have everyone all together for the holiday. If we didn't allow it, then we'd only get to see my brother for every other Christmas because we'd be forcing them to alternative holidays, when really it doesn't have to be that way.

Anonymous wrote:So here's a positive opportunity that could come from this: one of the days you could offer to take your brothers kids with your side of the family on an outing to give SIL a chance to have some alone grown up time with her parents. Then you would get a day with just your side of the family and SIL could have an opportunity to get quality time with her parents.

I know my folks come to visit a lot and while they *adore* my kids they also really like when I can arrange a sitter and they can have time with just me without my attention being split with my kids. So this could be a chance for a win-win.

But then OP should expect that they'd suggest reciprocating and I don't see her wanting to hand over DS to them even for a day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you were asked you should have replied exactly as you said here - that you were looking forward to a week of cousin time and a chance to visit with four generations of your own family. You didn't voice your opinion so I'm afraid your brother is right, they did ask and you held your tongue. What's done is done.

This is all well and good but in reality if she had said no the SIL would have been furious. I can see why OP was put on the spot with this one.

How could you possibly know? And "furious" seems unlikely. The OP is just a big baby.

So here's a positive opportunity that could come from this: one of the days you could offer to take your brothers kids with your side of the family on an outing to give SIL a chance to have some alone grown up time with her parents. Then you would get a day with just your side of the family and SIL could have an opportunity to get quality time with her parents.

I know my folks come to visit a lot and while they *adore* my kids they also really like when I can arrange a sitter and they can have time with just me without my attention being split with my kids. So this could be a chance for a win-win.

Somehow I think you harpies would be singing a different tune if you had planned a vacation with your family and your bil invited his parents...

Anonymous wrote:My family, including my mother, grandmother, brother, and his family are all going on a week long vacation together. This is the first time in several years my mom has been able to go on vacation and my grandmother is becoming more feeble every year, so we were all looking forward to spending a fun week together. Well, a couple weeks ago, I was asked how I felt about my SIL's parents coming down for a couple of days to hang out with us on this vacation, while staying at a hotel. What could I say, no they can't drive somewhere and do something. I said "they can do what they want to do, I can't tell them not to do something." So, now I hear back that they are coming down on Wednesday and staying until the end of our vacation. I'm upset for myself, my child, and my mother. They will be with us for meals and activities and will completely change the dynamic. My told my brother I'm not happy and it and he said "we asked you." I think he feels bummed about it, too, but doesn't want to hurt his wife's feelings. What say you, DCUM? Am I overreacting or should I just get over it?

They aren't exactly uninvited are they? Sounds like your SIL invited her family on a family vacation. They asked and you answered. If you wanted it to be just your blood you should have said something like "How about just us this time around, grandma is getting old and we should spend as much time with her as possible, we'll go to xyz with SILs family at another time." Instead you lied and now you are put out about it.

You are overreacting and should get over it. Since you caused the situation.

Anonymous wrote:
No, it does not. Not if the SIL does not want to spend time with just her ILs. Vacation time is precious. Maybe SIL feels that she needs some downtime and having her parents will ensure that her kids will be looked after if she needs a nap. You just do not know the dynamics of OPs family and her tone sounds very selfish.

Vacation time is no less precious to OP's SIL than it is to the rest of us and her husband (OP's brother) has asked her to spend a week with only his family. If she has a limited amount of time and she has to give her kids grandparent time, why not combine the visit with both sets of grandparents so that she has some vacation time left for herself or just their nuclear family. Would OP feel better if rather than having SIL's parents come along, that her brother and the cousins skip the family vacation and go visit her family instead? OP and PP's like you are saying that SIL should have to suck it up and make the sacrifice of a week with only her in-laws, where OP is not willing to make that same sacrifice. And, again, for those who say she needs to plan that vacation time with her own family some other time, too bad. Many people don't have unlimited vacation time to be able to spend a week independently with each side of the family and still have vacation time left for themselves and their kids.

Last, an anecdote. When my parents celebrated their 50th anniversary, my siblings and I took the extended family on a cruise. My parents had all three of their children and 4 of their 5 grandchildren there. My sister and brother-in-law came along and about 3 months before the cruise, my brother-in-law decided to bring his father and step-mom along. It seemed odd as none of us had met them, but they came along. First, they were wonderful nice people and we really enjoyed their company. But, it turns out that one of the underlying reasons for coming was that we had a stop to make. My BIL's older brother and father had been estranged for a many years when the older brother came out as gay. The father could not accept it at the time and they stopped speaking. It turns out that the older brother and his long-time boyfriend were living on St Thomas and that was one of the stops. We went to St Thomas and spent a day there and it was the first time in over 20 years that the father had spoken to his older son. It was a wonderful day make all the better by this happy reunion since father wanted to reconcile with his older son.

My point is that you do not know any family's internal struggles and why they need to join an outside event. Some acquaintances recently had the situation that OP has and a set of in-laws were coming along for a family vacation unexpectedly. The family did not find out until later that the MIL was ill (cancer) and it ended up being the last time that she saw her grandkids. There can be many reasons for the SIL wanting her family together. While it might be disappointing for OP to have to change her mindset on what to expect from the vacation, she should be gracious and accept the changes. She was given the opportunity to object a couple of months ago, and had she objected then, her brother might have been able to either explain extraneous circumstances that might change her mind, or accept the objection and try to reschedule the visit with his inlaws. At this late date, trying to change the other family's plans would be rude.

Make the best of it.

This is what being married means. Holidays & vacation with the "family" are not made up of the group you grew up thinking of as family. It includes more people, namely the people who've been added to your family through marriage. Your brother got married. His wife had a family of her own before joining yours. Her family will likely attend many of "your" family's functions, because she and her family are now part of yours.

I get why you're bummed, but what you feel like you'll be missing out on doesn't exist anymore. You might be able to capture a few moments here & there of what you would like "family-only" events to look like, but that's the exception - not the norm. You can grieve the loss of your childhood family, but please do so before the big family vacation that's coming up. It's not fair to your SIL, her parents, or your brother, for you to be sulking about this when they've decided to spend their limited vacation time & money to be with you.

Anonymous wrote:I never post anything particular negative on DCUM but I just get the biggest feeling you are a HUGE bitch. Sorry I think this is YOUR issue.

Really? Sounds to me like YOU are the bitch. Have a little empathy. It's completely understandable why she is frustrated by this situation, and her OP outlines why. She is NOT being a bitch, but you sure are.




Bitch.

Oh my goodness, this would totally bother me! I adore my SIL, but her mother and brother would seriously ruin a trip like this for me. I get long with them fine, but that's because I am always at my brother and SIL's house when I see them. It's not my house, not my holiday, so of course I'm gracious as can be. But on the family vacation for our side of the family? Uh no. I wouldn't invite my in-laws to tag along, so I expect my brother to follow suit.

That said. OP, you needed to say this upfront and told your brother how you didn't want the dynamic to shift so drastically. You didn't communicate well, and now it's done. I'd work on making peace with the fact that they're coming and try to focus on how happy this will make you SIL.

Anonymous wrote:When you were asked you should have replied exactly as you said here - that you were looking forward to a week of cousin time and a chance to visit with four generations of your own family. You didn't voice your opinion so I'm afraid your brother is right, they did ask and you held your tongue. What's done is done.

This is all well and good but in reality if she had said no the SIL would have been furious. I can see why OP was put on the spot with this one.

Anonymous wrote:I never post anything particular negative on DCUM but I just get the biggest feeling you are a HUGE bitch. Sorry I think this is YOUR issue.

I have a hard time believing that someone who would post something this hostile "never posts anything negative on DCUM."

OP, ignore the bashers; they dominate the first page or two of every single thread these days. You are in the right and probably should have said something at the outset. "We'd love to see you guys, but this is a special trip for my grandma - could we plan another long weekend with you guys later in the summer?" You could still say that.

Anonymous wrote:Overreacting.
if I was SIL, I would have a hard time spending my family vacation time with ONLY my husbands family.
They probably will split apart from you guys a lot - with SIL and her kids hanging out with her family. Don't worry, you will get lots of time with your mom and grandmother without them around.

+1

Genius. I wish I thought of this! The ILs 'vacation' is anything but.