Anonymous
Post 05/24/2015 05:34     Subject: Re:How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?
Anonymous wrote:Parent of NT kid. I talk to my friend with two SN kids normally, because I never think of them as special needs. In fact, there SN is not even in my radar. I'm not being selfish, rather I'm being exceptionally thoughtful in treating her/family normally.


Huh? The fact that you are oblivious means you are thoughtul? Come again? Those are some neat mental gymnastics.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2015 22:28     Subject: Re:How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?
Parent of NT kid. I talk to my friend with two SN kids normally, because I never think of them as special needs. In fact, there SN is not even in my radar. I'm not being selfish, rather I'm being exceptionally thoughtful in treating her/family normally.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2015 19:25     Subject: Re:How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you find something to brag back about? My own HFA/Aspie DS has all kinds of difficulties but also some startling abilities and insights. Maybe you could say "Wow that sounds like a lot of parties. Emily spent the weekend buried in a college level textbook about volcanoes." Or building a LEGO model of Buckingham Palace, or watching 20 back episodes of Cosmos because she's really interested in black holes, or whatever it is. I know not every HFA kid is a secret genius but I'm sure there's something wonderful about your daughter that would put being invited to birthday parties in perspective.

Or maybe just "Thank goodness Emily's a bit of a loner. I don't know how you can stand going to those parties. The music's always too loud and the pizza is awful."


This escalation is what I think actually takes place in thousands of conversations among parents of NT and SN kids every day and it is soooo transparent and tiresome. It's one of the things that sucks most about this area. The above conversation is aggressive and odious.


Somehow I doubt that the cool stories those of us with HFA kids like to tell about our kiddos' unique talents are perceived by the average parent of perfect NT-athlete-scholar-thespian kid as an "escalation" or in any way threatening, let alone "odious." And I find the idea that we are not supposed to be openly proud of our kids (just like everyone else) pretty disheartening. Kids pick up on stuff like that. Of course competitive bragging about children is distasteful wherever it appears, but I see nothing wrong with a SN parent telling their best kid story like everyone else does.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2015 14:43     Subject: How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?
Anonymous wrote:
Get over yourself.

I have a two children, one with ADHD/Asperger's/God knows what, the other neurotypical.

Neither gets invited to a ton of birthday parties. My child with special needs has been teased and bullied, although the school has been very proactive in shutting this down quickly. He only has a couple of friends, because others find him slightly off. He's fine with that. Most of his interests lie outside the realm of his grade level, so he has precious few people to talk to, unless I enroll him at university or something.

My child without special needs only had a handful of friends, because she's not that social. She likes to play by herself, and enjoys the occasional playdate.

And guess what? They are both happy and as well-adjusted as they can be.

Why do you care what other have and do?
Focus on your own happiness and your family's happiness.

You are an unkind person.

Anonymous
Post 05/23/2015 14:24     Subject: How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?
Every child has gifts and every child has challenges. So focus on your child's gifts and talents- and makes sure your child sees that you are focused on his or her positives. Maybe your child struggles to read, but is kind and has a big heart-- remind yourself and your child of that. Sit down if you have to and make a list of your child's 5 great qualities. I say this as mom of an ADHD, possibly ASD, certainly socially awkward kid. But, who brilliant in some areas, and a wonderful big sibling, a great artist/ musician, and very interesting to talk to. And remember that even kid whose mom is bragging about how popular or athletic they are. may have a child who has struggles that you know nothing about.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2015 11:46     Subject: Re:How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?
Anonymous wrote:Can you find something to brag back about? My own HFA/Aspie DS has all kinds of difficulties but also some startling abilities and insights. Maybe you could say "Wow that sounds like a lot of parties. Emily spent the weekend buried in a college level textbook about volcanoes." Or building a LEGO model of Buckingham Palace, or watching 20 back episodes of Cosmos because she's really interested in black holes, or whatever it is. I know not every HFA kid is a secret genius but I'm sure there's something wonderful about your daughter that would put being invited to birthday parties in perspective.

Or maybe just "Thank goodness Emily's a bit of a loner. I don't know how you can stand going to those parties. The music's always too loud and the pizza is awful."


This escalation is what I think actually takes place in thousands of conversations among parents of NT and SN kids every day and it is soooo transparent and tiresome. It's one of the things that sucks most about this area. The above conversation is aggressive and odious.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2015 11:40     Subject: How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?
Anonymous wrote:She's insensitive and does not see herself as boasting. She's feels genuinely put upon, as if she has no time for herself and she's shlepping her kid around.

I totally get how you feel.

+1, she is just oblivious.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2015 11:38     Subject: How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When I boast about my NT child, it has nothing to do with you. I'm not trying to show superiority or rub it in, I'm just excited about MY child. It has nothing to do with you.


Yes but...even if it's not done to show superiority or rub it in, boasting is rude. It's just rude. Who wants to listen to someone boast about their child? You don't get a pass from social constraints just because you're not doing it to hurt the listener's feelings or you're super excited. If you want to boast, you need to own the fact that you are being rude. Whether or not the listener has a special needs child, has an ordinary child, has a gifted child herself, or has no children at all, nobody wants to listen to boasting!


So, no one should talk about the parties their kids get invited to or the school concerts their kids play in or the roles they get in school plays or how they did in their recent swim meet or that they are even on the swim team or that their child got into the magnet program to which he applied or that their child got a medal in gymnastics or that their child has a sleepover with a friend or that their child . . . No thanks. I want to hear about my friends' kids. I am proud of them and enjoy hearing about their lives and their accomplishments. I am happy for my friends and their kids and I don't want to be left out because people can't talk to me because one of my kids has special needs.


I don't think you understanding what boasting is.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2015 11:37     Subject: How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?
I don't have SN kids and still can't stand when parents won't shut up about their children. Yes, I get it, each parent (myself included) thinks her snowflake is the fairest of them all. But have some self-awareness for crying out loud. In reality most kids are average, some a bit above, some a bit below, they will even out when they grow up. You won't be able to tell who did well in school and who flunked algebra. In fact, many will surprise you one way or another. So pretty please with sugar on top, shut up about your unbelievably talented kid. I get it, you love your child. I don't care. I have mine, and he is way better than yours LOL
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2015 11:29     Subject: How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?
OP, your neighbor sounds insensitive and your own sensitivities sound heightened (understandably). I would neither speak up nor take it with a grin - I would just avoid this person. If cornered by her, I would respond to her humblebragging with, "Oh, I wish DD had those kinds of problems - too many friends and too many parties! I guess you just have to count your blessings, huh?"
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2015 10:48     Subject: How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have a sn child. This is your issue, op. You are expecting people to treat you differently "aka special" because your child is sn. In essence you want them to walk on eggshells, censur their words, downplay or not talk about their children and generally maintain a false relationship with you. You are setting yourself up for a lot of loneliness. Life isn't fair and if you expect the world to see things only through your lens you are missing out on a lot of joy.
+1. As a parent of a SN child and as someone who has a disability, OP really needs to have a thicker skin.


YES. I'm sorry, OP, that you feel the way you do. BUT you really need to get a thicker skin. You can't live in a bubble or expect others to tiptoe around you. It's not possible. It just drives people away. Life is very lonely that way.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2015 10:28     Subject: How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?
Anonymous wrote:I have a sn child. This is your issue, op. You are expecting people to treat you differently "aka special" because your child is sn. In essence you want them to walk on eggshells, censur their words, downplay or not talk about their children and generally maintain a false relationship with you. You are setting yourself up for a lot of loneliness. Life isn't fair and if you expect the world to see things only through your lens you are missing out on a lot of joy.
+1. As a parent of a SN child and as someone who has a disability, OP really needs to have a thicker skin.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2015 09:54     Subject: Re:How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?
I love to boast about our daycare kids. I boast about all of them, special needs or not. I find stunning developments in each child. Child A learns to zip his own jacket at age 3 - Hurray! Child B learns to zip his own jacket at age 7 - Hurray! It doesn't matter when a special achievement happens or what that special achievement is. Just see each child as an individual and stop comparing them. Your child does amazing things every day. Celebrate them. NT children do amazing things each day and their parents need to be allowed to celebrate those things just as much.

If your child is unhappy - help!
If you are unhappy with other people's happiness - check yourself.
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2015 08:48     Subject: How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?
Brag about your kid right back at her! She's not trying to make you feel bad..
she's talking about her life, so talk about yours so she knows what you're dealing with. "Susie has 2 therapy appointments this week and I have an IEP meeting. But her OT is the best! You should have seen her at the playground last weekend...I never thought I'd see her climb like that! "
Anonymous
Post 05/23/2015 08:45     Subject: How do you deal with boasting by parents of kids without special needs?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When I boast about my NT child, it has nothing to do with you. I'm not trying to show superiority or rub it in, I'm just excited about MY child. It has nothing to do with you.


Yes but...even if it's not done to show superiority or rub it in, boasting is rude. It's just rude. Who wants to listen to someone boast about their child? You don't get a pass from social constraints just because you're not doing it to hurt the listener's feelings or you're super excited. If you want to boast, you need to own the fact that you are being rude. Whether or not the listener has a special needs child, has an ordinary child, has a gifted child herself, or has no children at all, nobody wants to listen to boasting!


So, no one should talk about the parties their kids get invited to or the school concerts their kids play in or the roles they get in school plays or how they did in their recent swim meet or that they are even on the swim team or that their child got into the magnet program to which he applied or that their child got a medal in gymnastics or that their child has a sleepover with a friend or that their child . . . No thanks. I want to hear about my friends' kids. I am proud of them and enjoy hearing about their lives and their accomplishments. I am happy for my friends and their kids and I don't want to be left out because people can't talk to me because one of my kids has special needs.