Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any update OP? What did you decide and how did it go?

I'm 13:33 btw

Here's where I'm at right now:

Plan A: DH will hopefully know his status a few days before the wedding. If he is able to get away from work (and stay with the kids) AND we can get an OK airfare then I will fly to the wedding and come back the next day. Plenty of time for studying and DC will not miss his recital.
Plan B: If we find that DH will NOT be able to come home that weekend, I guess I'll just pack up the kids and go. 4 days gone, and DC will miss his recital, but there isn't much to be done about that. At least I'll be able to visit some hometown friends and pack up a few items that were left at my mom's before we moved here.

I still feel conflicted and guilty. I know I never should have said yes (since DH can't go and kids aren't invited) and still believe the most sensible thing to do is to not go and just send a really generous gift. I'm not even worried about what the bride and groom will think of me - more like my parents and my SIL.

Don't let the DCUM harpies get to you. If it makes sense to not go, then honestly, just send your regrets and a gift. It will be fine!

Anonymous wrote:Any update OP? What did you decide and how did it go?

I'm 13:33 btw

Here's where I'm at right now:

Plan A: DH will hopefully know his status a few days before the wedding. If he is able to get away from work (and stay with the kids) AND we can get an OK airfare then I will fly to the wedding and come back the next day. Plenty of time for studying and DC will not miss his recital.
Plan B: If we find that DH will NOT be able to come home that weekend, I guess I'll just pack up the kids and go. 4 days gone, and DC will miss his recital, but there isn't much to be done about that. At least I'll be able to visit some hometown friends and pack up a few items that were left at my mom's before we moved here.

I still feel conflicted and guilty. I know I never should have said yes (since DH can't go and kids aren't invited) and still believe the most sensible thing to do is to not go and just send a really generous gift. I'm not even worried about what the bride and groom will think of me - more like my parents and my SIL.

Anonymous wrote:"However I will tell you, that commitments you made after the fact will not excuse not going and no matter how gracious the host and other family members are with you not attending, they will find it rude and a slight to the family - especially when dealing with a wedding. It will be remembered that you did not attend. I am not saying it is right, I am saying this is societal natural surrounding wedding in the US."

So what? Everyone will survive.

Yes, but because the OP is on the spectrum she wanted to know what to expect and why. So it was explained to her. If the above does happen she may not have the same cavalier "Everyone will survive" attitude because she is dealing with aspergers and social anxiety.

I don't know why this thread blew up so badly. We had several people let us know afyer rsvp'ing "yes" that they had work conflicts and couldn't make it. Life happens, it's not a big deal, everything was fine. No big deal. Really.

"However I will tell you, that commitments you made after the fact will not excuse not going and no matter how gracious the host and other family members are with you not attending, they will find it rude and a slight to the family - especially when dealing with a wedding. It will be remembered that you did not attend. I am not saying it is right, I am saying this is societal natural surrounding wedding in the US."

So what? Everyone will survive.

Any update OP? What did you decide and how did it go?

I'm 13:33 btw

That should say^^ societal norm^^, not natural. Sorry

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is rude to accept an invitation and then not show up. For anything. This is Manners 101. Don't blame this on being on the spectrum. If you no longer want to go, cancel. Just stop trying to make people agree that the rules don't apply to you.

Omg didn't read all the posts is she blaming this on aspergers or something.

Go to the wedding and stop being a douche op, aspergers or not.

Never blaming my decision on it. Just wondering why I don't understand what is obvious to others.

NP: Well, I think there is enough evidence here that it would be rude if you didn't go. It is obvious that if you accept an invitation to such an important event, barring being in the ER or dead, you should go or it would be considered poor manners and inconvenient to your host(s).

OK, but what about other committments, like the one my DC has and will not be able to meet if I go? And what evidence in particular? I really need specifics.

Okay I will try to help. The evidence in particular is in the many comments people have made in this thread, the majority of comments have let you know - if you do not go it will be rude. You can certainly apologize profusely and send a very nice gift as well as pay for your plate and anyone elses who RSVPd in your immediate family and will not be attending. However I will tell you, that commitments you made after the fact will not excuse not going and no matter how gracious the host and other family members are with you not attending, they will find it rude and a slight to the family - especially when dealing with a wedding. It will be remembered that you did not attend. I am not saying it is right, I am saying this is societal natural surrounding wedding in the US.

Secondly it is not on the hosts to deal with your child's commitment, it is on you. Ask a friend, have your DH do it, make it work with your schedule, this is on you and your DH to fix and do anything in your power to attend an important family event, that you RSVPd to. If you are on the spectrum and do not understand the nuances of this situation, please understand that while some of the advice has been snarky, it is still correct.

Do what you can to make it work with your child's commitment, if you absolutely cannot do the bolded above, but do expect at best awkwardness at worst actual fallout with family members. Use this as a learning experience and try not to double up on commitments you cannot navigate.

I hope this works out for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is rude to accept an invitation and then not show up. For anything. This is Manners 101. Don't blame this on being on the spectrum. If you no longer want to go, cancel. Just stop trying to make people agree that the rules don't apply to you.

Omg didn't read all the posts is she blaming this on aspergers or something.

Go to the wedding and stop being a douche op, aspergers or not.

Never blaming my decision on it. Just wondering why I don't understand what is obvious to others.

NP: Well, I think there is enough evidence here that it would be rude if you didn't go. It is obvious that if you accept an invitation to such an important event, barring being in the ER or dead, you should go or it would be considered poor manners and inconvenient to your host(s).

OK, but what about other committments, like the one my DC has and will not be able to meet if I go? And what evidence in particular? I really need specifics.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is rude to accept an invitation and then not show up. For anything. This is Manners 101. Don't blame this on being on the spectrum. If you no longer want to go, cancel. Just stop trying to make people agree that the rules don't apply to you.

Omg didn't read all the posts is she blaming this on aspergers or something.

Go to the wedding and stop being a douche op, aspergers or not.

Never blaming my decision on it. Just wondering why I don't understand what is obvious to others.

NP: Well, I think there is enough evidence here that it would be rude if you didn't go. It is obvious that if you accept an invitation to such an important event, barring being in the ER or dead, you should go or it would be considered poor manners and inconvenient to your host(s).