OP, I certainly want my kids to be nice to everyone and I wish you the best but you need to recognize that your child's behavior affects his ability to form relationships. Yes the teachers and kids should all be sensitive but you need to encourage, bribe, cajole (whatever it takes) into not doing tasks that make him stand out particularly if he continues to do them into adulthood. So no smearing lip balm on paper, no taking it out and sniffing it. I have a 5 year old who sometimes picks his boogers and eats them. It is disgusting. I tell him that no one will be his friend in kindergarten if he does that then I make him wash his hands. I used to teach first grade and I know this behavior would get him teased. Instead of me insisting that everyone should be sensitive to his needs, it is up to me to make sure he stops this behavior. If an adult at work or on an airplane seat next to you were smearing something scented on an object and smelling it you would want to move your seat or not work with the person.

You know, SN parents, you all need to read a book Life Without Limits written by the guy who was born without limbs.

I wouldn't try to shelter kids from reality, but instead teach them that they can still be happy with themselves.

http://www.amazon.com/Life-Without-Limits-Inspiration-Ridiculously/dp/0307589749

Anonymous wrote:

How do you teach kindness to kids?

They learn by example.

I wish that were true. I always try to go out of my way to be kind (am a single parent, so no DH to influence DS), but he tends to be sort of a follower. He's never overtly mean to other kids, but will sort of coast along in terms of leaving kids who are different to eat lunch or play alone. Maybe he is learning by example from peers. I don't like it.

I think we should teach them not to be followers, to make their own decisions. How do you teach Character?

How do you teach kindness to kids?

They learn by example.

I wish that were true. I always try to go out of my way to be kind (am a single parent, so no DH to influence DS), but he tends to be sort of a follower. He's never overtly mean to other kids, but will sort of coast along in terms of leaving kids who are different to eat lunch or play alone. Maybe he is learning by example from peers. I don't like it.

How do you teach kindness to kids?

They learn by example.

So all of you parents with kids who don't struggle in this way, what do you suggest? Forget the school friendships and find other kids like him? Remove him and homeschool? Tell him over and over again that we're sorry that "so and so" said "no one likes him or wants to sit by him?" That we're sorry the kids at his lunch table decided to sit at one end and leave him by himself at the other? Like it or not, my son goes to school with NT kids. That won't change. He has a brain based disorder that affects him socially and that's not likely to change in the near future. He's currently being monitored for depression. He's eight.

I would suggest trying to pair him up with some younger kids, either at school or outside school. My DS has ADHD and does much better with younger kids (by at least 2 years) who are more forgiving of some of his more irritating behaviors because they are less mature themselves. It doesn't fix the problem of having few friends in his own grade, but it is better for him to have friends somewhere else than no friends at all.

I am a parent of SN child, he's finishing 1st grade. He's one of the sweetest and kindest kids in class, according to his teachers and several parent volunteers. He gets regular playdate and birthday invitations, kids love to play with him and they always mention how creative he is, how funny he is. But this is the result of nearly 2 years of very rigorous therapies, a lot of ABA work and getting him into a right preschool. If only they saw him 2 years ago, I doubt anyone would've considered playing with him, let alone inviting him into their homes. He was an incredibly aggressive child, with severe tantrums over little things.

It's a lot of work. I perfectly understand parents who are reluctant to deal with kids who have poor self-control and behavior issues.

I don't know - I get it. My son has ADHD, he does things that are annoying, he doesn't connect well with typical kids, it's their choice whether they want to play with him or not. He does all kinds of therapies but it will take him years to transfer some of these skills in real time. Right now, he's lonely, left out, the target of unkind comments, and occasionally bullied.
So all of you parents with kids who don't struggle in this way, what do you suggest? Forget the school friendships and find other kids like him? Remove him and homeschool? Tell him over and over again that we're sorry that "so and so" said "no one likes him or wants to sit by him?" That we're sorry the kids at his lunch table decided to sit at one end and leave him by himself at the other? Like it or not, my son goes to school with NT kids. That won't change. He has a brain based disorder that affects him socially and that's not likely to change in the near future. He's currently being monitored for depression. He's eight.

OP,

I don't know if you are still reading this, but I was so worried about my child with Asperger's and ADHD being bullied at school that we moved inbounds for the Bethesda Elementary School, which is well-known to be an inclusive school. The rest of the cluster isn't too bad either. Children with autism and other disorders are mainstreamed in the general ed with pull-outs. Girls take the child with autism by the hand to bring him to recess, they pick up his stuff if he drops it, they lower their voice when he starts pulling at his ears because he has very sensitive hearing, etc. My child was bullied in K and teased in 3rd grade, but the teachers were very proactive about it, and shut it down quickly. It is truly a wonderful school, and the teachers and paraeducators are well-trained in helping children with special needs.

Anonymous wrote:I have a kindergartener with physical needs (she uses a walker and her speech is hard to understand). Normally developing and inflammation while on chemo at age 4 and her life has changed. I'm terrified of public school. She goes to a small private school and we pay for an aide also. I want her to feel included. Posts like these make me think we are making the right decision for now even though it is so expensive.

We have language issues and paying for a small private too. It is absolutely worth it. Kids at that age do not care about language issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At my kids' ES, kids often volunteer during lunch to work with PEP and SCB. So it's actually part of the culture, which is lovely. My daughter tried, but she was beaten to it!

OP here. PP, this is the kind of school and the kind of students I would like my SN child to be around. May I ask - what school this is? I honestly would consider even moving to a district like this in the future. I have other children and would want them to be in this kind of school too.

As for the PP who said her daughter prefers smart, well behaved children and would likely not go out of her way to show friendliness toward SN kids, I'm happy that your daughter is neurotypical to enjoy such friendships. However, I would ask how you would want your daughter to be treated if she were born with CP, DS, ASD, any special needs that clearly distinguishes her from classmates. If she sat alone on a bench while 80 children her age played at recess daily, would you want others to go up to her and encourage her to join them? Or would you prefer she sat alone daily?

That's not reasonable to place that kind of responsibility on young kids to expect them to friend others and have them feel included. That is the teacher's job. Its great you are advocating for your daughter and if you do it at school it may help many kids but just to expect young kids to do it without guidance and support is unreaslistic.

It is teh parents job to provide that guidance and support (i.e. YOU). that is why the op posted.

I have a special needs kid too and its very obvious when you talk to him. He is friends with most of the kids in the class and all the other families and kids are wonderful to him. I have spent a lot of time as have others teaching social skills, from basics like please and thank you to sharing, and much more. We talk about being friends with everyone but as they get older they have preferences, as we, to our whom are friends are. If my child does something to annoy someone else or disapproving to the teacher at school, it is my responsibility to work with him and support the teacher in her concerns.

If OP kid is annoying and behaving strangely, the older he gets, the more distant he is going to become to others if he keeps up his behaviors. OP is looking to the school, teachers and others to fix what she needs to help her child with - either directly, through different kinds of therapy (and yes, I know they are expensive, we private pay for things not covered) and through advocating for her child. It sounds like the school and being mainstreamed is a poor fit. Perhaps he'd do better in a different classroom setting, transfer public schools to give him a fresh start, place him in either a regular or special needs private (we have our child at a small affortable private and they are overly helpful with the special needs - they will not tolerate behavioral problems and disrespectful children, but the concerns my child have they have found ways to support him). There are tons of social groups, special needs sports and other activities (group and private), and much more. Summer is coming and that is when many of us focus on intensive services. Its easy to sit back and complain and place the responsibility on schools, other parents and kids, but ultimately as parents we are responsible to meet our child's needs and if the current situation is not working, you change it.

And, while it sounds harsh, we do try to keep our child away from kids with behavioral or other issues. He will copy and not fully understand the situation and it will create a problem for us. If another child is acting up, not using things appropriately, etc. it is not what is best for my child. If he didn't have his delays, perhaps I'd think differently, but I would not want my child copying OP child in thinking it is ok for chap stick to be smeared all over the place when the teacher has asked him not to. If an ADHD kid (or other) is not listening, not doing their work, arguing with the teacher, its a disaster for our child. So, for me to tell my child to befriend one who is not the best influence would be disastrous for us.

I have a kindergartener with physical needs (she uses a walker and her speech is hard to understand). Normally developing and inflammation while on chemo at age 4 and her life has changed. I'm terrified of public school. She goes to a small private school and we pay for an aide also. I want her to feel included. Posts like these make me think we are making the right decision for now even though it is so expensive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you for real, PP? If you are so sensitive that the smell of someone's Chapstick from across a room is debilitating, I can't imagine how you can function in life.

Very for real, sadly. I have to avoid most scents. Its very difficult with bad migraines. I cannot be around things like hand sanitizers and we keep our house as scent free as possible. There are lots of people sensitive to scents, but they are hard to avoid. My point being OP wants everyone to be sensitive to her child, but she refuses to consider anyone else's needs. My children hates scents as they are not used to them. If I accidentally buy something with a scent they are the first to comment. I would not take the risk of being near that child if I know he'd pull it out all the time and I'd be near him or he'd say, hey smell it and doesn't have the understanding of no when I decline and move away.

Man, you'd hate burrito night in my house.

Yes, I would but my husband would love it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the parent of a NT kid who is a bit of a follower (and who has some friends who have mean girl tendencies), I worry about this. She's about the kindest, most understanding kid in the world (no, I'm not biased!) but I think she could be susceptible to groupthink. It's not that others are leading her astray - she's responsible for her own behavior. I for one would be mortified if she excluded anyone, and would want it brought to my attention. We teach her to be kind and understanding, but at some point, you have to trust that she's doing the right thing.

That said, she has several kids in her class who have some serious issues, and she avoids them. As kids get older, and physical differences are accentuated, I'm not going to tell her that she has to play with boys who can stop roughhousing, or won't stop when she tells them to. Making her responsible for her own safety and body means she gets to decide not to be around people who don't treat her right. It's tough for kids to draw these fine distinctions.

Not OP but thanks for this thoughtful post. Of course you csnt police your daughter's behavior and she has to make her own calls about children she feels unsafe around. I just thank you as the parent of a child w special needs for teaching her that it's important to be kind to people who are different including when they look or act in ways that seem strange to her. This goes for kids who use a walker, have Down Syndrome, flap their arms, smell their lip balm a lot, etc.

There is a big difference in a child using a walker or downs vs. rough housing and other concerns. You missed the point.

Anonymous wrote:As the parent of a NT kid who is a bit of a follower (and who has some friends who have mean girl tendencies), I worry about this. She's about the kindest, most understanding kid in the world (no, I'm not biased!) but I think she could be susceptible to groupthink. It's not that others are leading her astray - she's responsible for her own behavior. I for one would be mortified if she excluded anyone, and would want it brought to my attention. We teach her to be kind and understanding, but at some point, you have to trust that she's doing the right thing.

That said, she has several kids in her class who have some serious issues, and she avoids them. As kids get older, and physical differences are accentuated, I'm not going to tell her that she has to play with boys who can stop roughhousing, or won't stop when she tells them to. Making her responsible for her own safety and body means she gets to decide not to be around people who don't treat her right. It's tough for kids to draw these fine distinctions.

Not OP but thanks for this thoughtful post. Of course you csnt police your daughter's behavior and she has to make her own calls about children she feels unsafe around. I just thank you as the parent of a child w special needs for teaching her that it's important to be kind to people who are different including when they look or act in ways that seem strange to her. This goes for kids who use a walker, have Down Syndrome, flap their arms, smell their lip balm a lot, etc.