Panic attacks? Maybe you should speak with a therapist that doesnt sound like the right level of response to adult mean girl behavior. Hope you get sorted and connected with real friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much have you done to initiate/pursue friendships with these women? There are people that I am nice to but I don't reach out to because, frankly, my schedule is full. But if someone showed real interest in a friendship, I would try to reciprocate up to the point where we both knew whether the friendship would work or not.

The other thing is: if your child and my child were good friends, I would definitely want to know you better. But if they don't have much of a relationship, unless we really clicked, there would be less payoff (for both of us) in pursuing a deeper friendship. In an ideal world this wouldn't be the case, but in a world crowded with work, family, current friends, volunteering, etc., I'm afraid it is (at least my) reality.

I don't mean to be harsh. Perhaps you've already tried to reach out, in which case my feedback is moot. But if not, if you really think you would like these other moms, I would give them a chance.

I have tried, but thanks for the input. They always have a million excuses but then I find out they are all hanging out and having dinner parties with one another without us. We are "nice people" so not sure what the problem is.

This has been my experience as well. I gave up trying after 2 years. I have a couple mom friends from my children's school. I u friended the mean moms on FB because it pained me to see them going out when I had invited them out weeks before.
What hurts is my children asking why we only go to John and Janes homes but not Scott and Suzy's homes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much have you done to initiate/pursue friendships with these women? There are people that I am nice to but I don't reach out to because, frankly, my schedule is full. But if someone showed real interest in a friendship, I would try to reciprocate up to the point where we both knew whether the friendship would work or not.

The other thing is: if your child and my child were good friends, I would definitely want to know you better. But if they don't have much of a relationship, unless we really clicked, there would be less payoff (for both of us) in pursuing a deeper friendship. In an ideal world this wouldn't be the case, but in a world crowded with work, family, current friends, volunteering, etc., I'm afraid it is (at least my) reality.

I don't mean to be harsh. Perhaps you've already tried to reach out, in which case my feedback is moot. But if not, if you really think you would like these other moms, I would give them a chance.

I have tried, but thanks for the input. They always have a million excuses but then I find out they are all hanging out and having dinner parties with one another without us. We are "nice people" so not sure what the problem is.

Are you a social climber? Are you chasing status?

Anonymous wrote:
OP - if you're having that much anxiety over women who you say are nice and polite with you, then I think this is your issue.

I can smell crazy and needy a mile away and, no offense, I don't have time for that. If you want to hang out with them, then ask them what they are doing.

Also - People are allowed to have groups of friends. This is how society works. By creating and nurturing networks. These networks can not include everybody on the planet or it just doesn't work. This isn't being "cliquey" or "mean mom" - it's simply being friends with people you've bonded.

If you're not happy with their group, then make your own group. This is advice I give to my daughters and advice I follow myself. My "group" didn't appear out of thin air. These are friendships that I've been building for years now. You can't expect to just walk in and take a place. Maybe you could look for another mom who seems nervous or is sitting alone and go introduce yourself. Instead of blaming others for your "isolation" maybe you should take responsibility for your own social life.


This is the best advice. You are probably so focused on these women that you are ignoring the other women sitting around by themselves, wishing someone would talk to them. Go introduce yourself to one of them and go get a coffee. My kid started school as a "new kid" in a later grade, and a lot of the moms already had established friendships. Rather than try to break into their groups, I just made my own. I didn't feel I was being excluded -- there are 80 kids in my son's grade alone, so obviously I can't expect to be invited to all of their dinner parties. Feels to me like you are still in junior high wishing you can be one of the "popular" kids.

The two ladies who responded in the post I copied above are exactly who the "mean" girls are. Their justifications of poor and unkind behavior are exactly why so many mean mom clicks exist. One smells "crazy and needy" a mile away...... I'm not sure why she thinks it's appropriate to use those words together when describing a mom in want of friendship. These women go to church, volunteer, and act out something they don't live. I know we are all busy, but can anyone, especially us stay at home mothers, really justify snubbing someone because we're fine and have "our" friends? Imagine moving to another state, there's a good chance the tables would be turned. I made most of my good friends when I quit work and started having children, and we've stayed close throughout the years. All of us have brought in new people, (friends) over the years, and while some of us are closer then others, no one is ever left out of book clubs, kids parties, adult parties and moms night outings. Why are there so many moms that pretend that their lives are "just too full" to extend a friendship to another mom? It truly is high school behavior, and I don't think that hoping to be included means that you only want to be friends with "the popular" kids. And franklly in response to the first paragraph, and the mom stating that you can't expect to "walk in and take a place" I whole heartedly DISAGREE! As someone new to an area, you SHOULd be welcomed! Maybe not become close friends overnight, that takes time, but you should be welcomed into clubs, parties, etc. Just my two cents, that I learned as a young child at church, and what I try to do on a daily basis, but for those moms doing this, don't try to justify your behavior, we can see through it, and it's my hope that you'll choose to behave differently.

I'm in my 40s. I have enough friends. I become acquaintances with other moms when I can, but if not I couldn't care less.

Why is this an issue for anyone over 14?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:7:38 here again. You're right that the best revenge is living well. I am an attorney living in a beautiful city with an awesome husband and beautiful children. They are stuck in our piece of shit hometown and jockeying for who is going to be Queen Shit of Turd Mountain. makes me laugh every day.

Ha! I like you.

Living well would include not caring, or denigrating an entire town of women. Grow up.

Anonymous wrote:i have neighbors like this too. they're having events in their front yards (which I find kind of odd -- go to your backyard!), and i'm clearly excluded. it hurts a little, but it makes me laugh too b/c it's so juvenile. i roll my eyes when i get inside (after having to traipse through their party to get my mail!), call my best friend and bitch about how mean they are.
one thing i've learned over the years is not to push/force friendships b/c you might find out that you don't want to be their friends.

This OP, and I agree with the others... stop caring. It's hard. But people who will make good friends won't act like this. They are disqualifying themselves. It's hard to keep this perspective when you're feeling lonely, but with time you'll find people you like better, who also appreciate you. Then you'll wonder why you wasted your time caring. Seriously that shit's not worth it, and that kind of feeling over the long term can contribute to sickness. Snap out of it and find contentment!

Honestly, I cherish the weekends when we don't have too many things to do and I am not a popular mom. Honestly, i feel like the popular moms will be hosting drinking parties in a few years- my DD is in 5th grade- so I'm glad to be outside that circle.

Anonymous wrote:7:38 here again. You're right that the best revenge is living well. I am an attorney living in a beautiful city with an awesome husband and beautiful children. They are stuck in our piece of shit hometown and jockeying for who is going to be Queen Shit of Turd Mountain. makes me laugh every day.

Ha! I like you.

I guess I wouldn't view this as a problem. School events aren't my social life - they're obligatory things I have to do to support my child. I'd simply be cordial just like I always am, make it through the obligatory evening, and then have a nice relaxing bourbon neat when I got home.

The problem isn't the other moms, per se - it's your expectations of them and your teenage need to be accepted by the queen bees. If they're such bitches anyway, why do you care?

whar

Anonymous wrote:If they are willing to chat and be nice, how do you know they won't be friends? Why do you say they are cliquey and mean if, as you say, they are nice to you when they see you?

Obviously I know there's a difference between saying hello to an acquaintance and actually being friends, but there's also a difference between perfectly nice people who just happen not to be friends with you and mean moms who actively give you the cold shoulder. Maybe your anxiety comes off like you don't want to be friends?

+1

I never understand these complaints. How many of you who are on the "outside" make the attempt to have people over to your house? Host events? Set up playdates and parties?

Stop bitching for 1/2 a second make something happen. Perhaps you are on the outs because you let yourself be. There are no "cliques" just these moms have hosted events and had each other over. You are still living like it's highschool. It's not. Grow up.

Buy some wine, rent a move, call a bunch of the moms and invite them over.

It's not that hard.

I really need to start looking at dates.

Anonymous wrote:This! I can't agree more!

Anonymous wrote:Life's too short. Find your own friends. I avoid these moms at all costs and refuse play dates, too. Call me selfish, but it saves my sanity.

+1