Anonymous wrote:He sounds like an asshole.

Anonymous wrote:Just another internet stranger chiming in to say that I'm sorry for you OP. The internet (and DCUM) is not normally a kind place -- but the responses that you're getting on this thread are telling. I wish I could give you a hug and a way out

All of the examples you've given are not examples of cluelessness, but they are examples of punishment and spite. It is like your husband hates you (or women?). Helping each other is what humans -- and especially spouses -- do.

Honestly, the car seat story didn't get me as much as the story of your boots and then your follow up reference to driving yourself to the hospital (WTF?!?!) and carrying your own bag while in labor. Even a stranger would help you with these things ...

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Reading this is truly depressing me. It doesn't help that we've barely spent any time together alone since our second was born.

To answer some questions:
I married him because I fell for him. And early on, I decided he was the one.
He is actually good with the kids and helps out a lot with our older child.
Yes, I do think he thinks the baby is more my domain. Hence I carry the baby and diaper bag most of the time.
No, he's not from a culture that doesn't help wives and with kids. But he comes from a family where that was the situation. And so did I.

He's selfish. It's something we've always fought about. I draw the line at calling him an asshole, but yes, he's very selfish. He's actually much better now with that then he was when I first met him. I paid the bill on our first date. He kept procrastinating on proposing to me, so finally I proposed, he said, uh sure. He always steals food right out of my hand as I'm eating. He suggested I drive myself into the hospital when I went into labor, so he didn't have to come pick me up. I said, no, you need to pick me up. I carried my overnight bag into the hospital when I was in labor, with both kids. He even stuffed some of his own things into my bag and let me carry it. The first time I was in the hospital bed, in labor and dilated, he told me he was going to go out and get some stuff done. I said, you are not going ANYWHERE.

He claims he doesn't do conventional things for me like open doors, carry groceries in, etc, because it reinforces the idea that women are less capable than men. And he doesn't want to send that message to his daughter. He hates all conventional girl things, like fashion, makeup, anything pink, because he thinks these things serve to make women stupid and weak. So he's not your typical asshole. He's something else entirely, but still completely infuriating.

How have I coped? Most times I live in this fantasy in my head, that I am single. So that I expect nothing from him, and if he does do something for me, it is a pleasant surprise. A bonus. Because the alternative would be that we would fight every single day and I'd be angry all the time. And he fights dirty. If he feels attacked or criticized, his response is to hurt me as deeply as possible. So... We rarely fight. Yes, I know it's completely dysfunctional. But it's where we're at. Also I think of that book "a thousand splendid suns" (abusive husband) and I am able to feel grateful for what I have.

Anonymous wrote:OP. you sound like you could benefit from counseling. You made a bad decision marrying this man. Divorce is not the solution (yet) because he will continue to treat you this way, set a bad example for the kids and worst of all you will pick another one just like him.
Funny when i read your post it reminded me a little bit of a thousand splendid suns! Your husband does not cherish you, he is unkind to you and seems to resent you. My ex husband was like this, so I understand the dynamic and the coping. Maybe i am projecting because of my own experience - but i cannot help it, it is so hard to hear of someone else living this way. A few counseling sessions and a long period of self-reflection helped me realize how I got where i was. Now i am with a man who adores me and I am hooked on a healthy, functional relationship but it has been a very long road. Please Op, go back and retrace your steps - why was this man attractive to you in the first place? Do you feel you don't deserve to be cherished? Why? Please find a counselor to help you through this. The idea of you spending your life with this man is depressing to strangers on the Internet - doesn't that tell you something?!

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Reading this is truly depressing me. It doesn't help that we've barely spent any time together alone since our second was born.

To answer some questions:
I married him because I fell for him. And early on, I decided he was the one.
He is actually good with the kids and helps out a lot with our older child.
Yes, I do think he thinks the baby is more my domain. Hence I carry the baby and diaper bag most of the time.
No, he's not from a culture that doesn't help wives and with kids. But he comes from a family where that was the situation. And so did I.

He's selfish. It's something we've always fought about. I draw the line at calling him an asshole, but yes, he's very selfish. He's actually much better now with that then he was when I first met him. I paid the bill on our first date. He kept procrastinating on proposing to me, so finally I proposed, he said, uh sure. He always steals food right out of my hand as I'm eating. He suggested I drive myself into the hospital when I went into labor, so he didn't have to come pick me up. I said, no, you need to pick me up. I carried my overnight bag into the hospital when I was in labor, with both kids. He even stuffed some of his own things into my bag and let me carry it. The first time I was in the hospital bed, in labor and dilated, he told me he was going to go out and get some stuff done. I said, you are not going ANYWHERE.

He claims he doesn't do conventional things for me like open doors, carry groceries in, etc, because it reinforces the idea that women are less capable than men. And he doesn't want to send that message to his daughter. He hates all conventional girl things, like fashion, makeup, anything pink, because he thinks these things serve to make women stupid and weak. So he's not your typical asshole. He's something else entirely, but still completely infuriating.

How have I coped? Most times I live in this fantasy in my head, that I am single. So that I expect nothing from him, and if he does do something for me, it is a pleasant surprise. A bonus. Because the alternative would be that we would fight every single day and I'd be angry all the time. And he fights dirty. If he feels attacked or criticized, his response is to hurt me as deeply as possible. So... We rarely fight. Yes, I know it's completely dysfunctional. But it's where we're at. Also I think of that book "a thousand splendid suns" (abusive husband) and I am able to feel grateful for what I have.

Anonymous wrote:Just another internet stranger chiming in to say that I'm sorry for you OP. The internet (and DCUM) is not normally a kind place -- but the responses that you're getting on this thread are telling. I wish I could give you a hug and a way out

All of the examples you've given are not examples of cluelessness, but they are examples of punishment and spite. It is like your husband hates you (or women?). Helping each other is what humans -- and especially spouses -- do.

Honestly, the car seat story didn't get me as much as the story of your boots and then your follow up reference to driving yourself to the hospital (WTF?!?!) and carrying your own bag while in labor. Even a stranger would help you with these things ...