Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree.

The other woman does not know the wife personally therefore she does not technically "owe" her anything. Respect, integrity, etc.

That is the responsibility of the husband in these types of situations.

The primary reason wives get so mad at the other women is because they have a lot of bottled up anger/emotion that they need to express, + would like to impose it all on their philandering husbands.

But if they are choosing to take the husbands back and work on the marriage, it would be counterproductive to lash out at him.

So they tend to lash out at the other woman and thus, blame her. She becomes an easy scapegoat simply by default.

(Not saying she is innocent by any means.)

This is the most fucked up thing I have ever read. Whether I know someone or not, we have social codes in civilized society. Worldviews like yours are why our society is increasingly selfish and narcissistic.

How about this? Why don't you look that woman's children in the eyes and tell them why you decided to fuck their dad without having the integrity to insist that he confront his wife so that you could build a relationship with him based on something other than lies? There's nothing virtuous or blameless about lying and cheating.

I suggest you leave your kids out of this. You can continue use sex as currency, but your children are human beings. Please spare them your messed up reality. They will sort things out when they grow up.

Anonymous wrote:I agree.

The other woman does not know the wife personally therefore she does not technically "owe" her anything. Respect, integrity, etc.

That is the responsibility of the husband in these types of situations.

The primary reason wives get so mad at the other women is because they have a lot of bottled up anger/emotion that they need to express, + would like to impose it all on their philandering husbands.

But if they are choosing to take the husbands back and work on the marriage, it would be counterproductive to lash out at him.

So they tend to lash out at the other woman and thus, blame her. She becomes an easy scapegoat simply by default.

(Not saying she is innocent by any means.)

This is the most fucked up thing I have ever read. Whether I know someone or not, we have social codes in civilized society. Worldviews like yours are why our society is increasingly selfish and narcissistic.

How about this? Why don't you look that woman's children in the eyes and tell them why you decided to fuck their dad without having the integrity to insist that he confront his wife so that you could build a relationship with him based on something other than lies? There's nothing virtuous or blameless about lying and cheating.

Oh, get over yourself OP. You know that fucking a married man is wrong, for any reason. Both you and the "ass" are worthy of derision. You are at fault and no amount of rationalizing will absolve you of that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most women here are wives. There is a lot of projection going on. It goes the other way too. Most men would be pissed off at the other guy more than at the cheating wife, because his property rights were infringed on. People are obsessed with possession, I guess.

Exactly. See: Red Ball on Playground example

In that situation I would be pissed at my dh. In fact, the OW could fall off the face of the earth for all I care, she means nothing to me. Dh is the guy that I have a relationship with and he is the one who I would be talking to. Honestly, I think that the vast majority of married people would feel the same way.

I think the OW/OM likes to think of themselves as a key player, someone who would need to be reckoned with. But from what I've seen the OW/OM are usually left in the dust, like a forgotten broken toy. Sad but true.

That would make sense which means the vast majority would probably swing the other way LOL

Anonymous wrote:Because it's easier to direct anger at the outsider than examining the problems in the marriage.

Bingo.
+1

No one makes the DH cheat. No one makes the OW take that position either. If you want to be the OW, recognize it's a choice, there will be fallout, and some people will form opinions based on your choices.

Matthew 7:16. You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People with good character don't sleep with married men.

Justify it all you want. The other woman lacks integrity and is disrespecting the family just like the husband is.

This is it. It isn't either/or - both shoulder blame. Remember the golden rule.

The Golden Rule is flawed.

There is no question of integrity when no promises have been made. OW doesn't owe you any respect. It is pointless to expect it.

And I suppose that the same would hold true for the OW, right? No one has made any commitment to her either (that includes the married guy). No respect necessary..

Bazinga

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most women here are wives. There is a lot of projection going on. It goes the other way too. Most men would be pissed off at the other guy more than at the cheating wife, because his property rights were infringed on. People are obsessed with possession, I guess.

Exactly. See: Red Ball on Playground example

In that situation I would be pissed at my dh. In fact, the OW could fall off the face of the earth for all I care, she means nothing to me. Dh is the guy that I have a relationship with and he is the one who I would be talking to. Honestly, I think that the vast majority of married people would feel the same way.

I think the OW/OM likes to think of themselves as a key player, someone who would need to be reckoned with. But from what I've seen the OW/OM are usually left in the dust, like a forgotten broken toy. Sad but true.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ PP here. The cheating spouse is never absolved of responsibility. I just think it's tougher to cheat without a willing participant.

Sure, but cheaters also lie. They say they're separated or divorced. I know people (male and female) who have discovered that their boyfriend/girlfriend was married well after the fact.

I would call the supposed ex to verify.

Okay, so you, as a single person, meet a person who asks you on a date. On the basis of that interaction, you agree and you have long conversations with the person about various things. In conversation, they mention that they were married previously but are not married now. You say, oh, that's unfortunate, how long ago was that, what is the name of your ex, I need to call them to make sure you're REALLY divorced.

That's really what you'd do, in that situation?

I would get to know him and his friends first- before any intimacy. If he is dodgy about including me in his life, then that would be a HUGE red flag.

I watched a young woman friend of mine get completely snowed by a guy. We were all snowed, actually. He was new in town and didn't have many friends, according to him. Just colleagues. They met for dates after work. According to him, he lived pretty far out from downtown (Gaithersburg or something, while working on the Hill) and as a result, they didn't go back to his place. He'd come meet her on the weekend downtown. We (her friends) met the guy, who we thought was nice, funny, friendly and really into our friend. Given that he was actively dating our friend, it really didn't occur to us to ask if he was married. After all, why would a married guy be dating a woman, meeting her friends, etc. They became intimate after maybe 4 or 5 dates (I don't know exactly). Happened at her place.

It turned out that he was married, with a new baby. Wife was home on maternity leave. He wasn't new to town at all, but he was new to his job. His schedule got a lot more complicated when maternity leave was over and my friend got suspicious, started prying, and found out that he was married. She was embarrassed and heartbroken because she really didn't know and really cared about him. No idea what happened to the guy.

Because it's easier to direct anger at the outsider than examining the problems in the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ PP here. The cheating spouse is never absolved of responsibility. I just think it's tougher to cheat without a willing participant.

Sure, but cheaters also lie. They say they're separated or divorced. I know people (male and female) who have discovered that their boyfriend/girlfriend was married well after the fact.

I would call the supposed ex to verify.

Okay, so you, as a single person, meet a person who asks you on a date. On the basis of that interaction, you agree and you have long conversations with the person about various things. In conversation, they mention that they were married previously but are not married now. You say, oh, that's unfortunate, how long ago was that, what is the name of your ex, I need to call them to make sure you're REALLY divorced.

That's really what you'd do, in that situation?

If a married person lies and tells you that they are single and you believe them and then sleep with them I can't see how you would be at fault.

Anonymous wrote:Most women here are wives. There is a lot of projection going on. It goes the other way too. Most men would be pissed off at the other guy more than at the cheating wife, because his property rights were infringed on. People are obsessed with possession, I guess.

Exactly. See: Red Ball on Playground example

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ PP here. The cheating spouse is never absolved of responsibility. I just think it's tougher to cheat without a willing participant.

Sure, but cheaters also lie. They say they're separated or divorced. I know people (male and female) who have discovered that their boyfriend/girlfriend was married well after the fact.

I would call the supposed ex to verify.

Okay, so you, as a single person, meet a person who asks you on a date. On the basis of that interaction, you agree and you have long conversations with the person about various things. In conversation, they mention that they were married previously but are not married now. You say, oh, that's unfortunate, how long ago was that, what is the name of your ex, I need to call them to make sure you're REALLY divorced.

That's really what you'd do, in that situation?

I would get to know him and his friends first- before any intimacy. If he is dodgy about including me in his life, then that would be a HUGE red flag.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ PP here. The cheating spouse is never absolved of responsibility. I just think it's tougher to cheat without a willing participant.

Sure, but cheaters also lie. They say they're separated or divorced. I know people (male and female) who have discovered that their boyfriend/girlfriend was married well after the fact.

I would call the supposed ex to verify.

Okay, so you, as a single person, meet a person who asks you on a date. On the basis of that interaction, you agree and you have long conversations with the person about various things. In conversation, they mention that they were married previously but are not married now. You say, oh, that's unfortunate, how long ago was that, what is the name of your ex, I need to call them to make sure you're REALLY divorced.

That's really what you'd do, in that situation?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People with good character don't sleep with married men.

Justify it all you want. The other woman lacks integrity and is disrespecting the family just like the husband is.

This. Plus if the OW didn't participate the husband would have a pretty tough time having an affair. "You're married? Go home to your wife."

Yes, but life can be a little more nuanced than that.