OP here = so if this wasn't the house that they used to live in with their mother, than it would be ok to enforce boundaries? I don't know anyone else - including our immediate family that just comes by unannounced and hangs out. Confused.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you get DH to write her a letter outlining the rules? That might make it more concrete.

"Larla,
As you and I have previously discussed, I am asking you to stop dropping by my house. If you wish to spend time with Billy, please do so during your visitation days and not on the days I have him or, alternatively, make plans to meet at anothe, with my permissionpermission. I also think it's important for us to focus on getting Billy to get organized about what he needs when and not depend on your or I to fetch his left-behind belongings on a daily basis. I will speak to Billy about this and that neither of us will be able to swing by either of our houses to collect his stuff. I appreciate your help on both of these matters. -- Jim."

Reasonable letter, but doesn't it sound like the mom is also coming over to visit and hang out when she doesn't have physical custody? Like, the kids are already home and their mom just decides to drop by and make herself a sandwich and hang out with them? That's the impression I got...

Well then I would add the above bolded.

Change the locks.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP is gonna hurt the children's feelings. They are old enough to invite someone over.

If I understand correctly, this is the house the children lived in with their mother. It seems a lot to ask of them to tell their mother she can't come in, even if she does stay a little while. . .

Anonymous wrote:OP, you will seriously alienate your step kids if you try to enforce the "mom waits outside" rule. You're treating her like an invader. They are treating her like a family member. You will make yourself the enemy.

+1

So you are upset she is hanging out with her children in the house? I missed the part that you have crazy thoughts of her going through your stuff etc... You sound very paranoid. What do the kids say?

OP, you will seriously alienate your step kids if you try to enforce the "mom waits outside" rule. You're treating her like an invader. They are treating her like a family member. You will make yourself the enemy.

I still do not understand why your DH has not spoken up? Why is he afraid?

Sounds like OP is gonna hurt the children's feelings. They are old enough to invite someone over.

Can you prep the kids to let them know that they need to plan for their outings and days at school without needing to come back home & pick up missing items? Let them know that what they forget, they will need to make do without for the day. Natural consequences and all.

Then change the locks and set up a home security system that automatically goes on when the kids are supposed to be in school and doesn't go off until the kids are expected home for the evening.

So she's still "staking her claim." Kids are old enough to grab what they need without her. Or do without if they forget it. She doesn't have to be welcomed into what is now your family's home to do as she pleases even if her kids are there. It isn't HER home, and she isn't free to roam around.

Perhaps you and dh need to tell her face to face, together: This is now OUR home, and you are not to wander at will. Wait inside by the door. If you can't do that then wait outside. The kids can gather their things on their own. Also, make it clear to the kids that they are to take everything they need with them, there is to be no reason to need to come back. They are old enough to do that.

It's an intimidation thing. If it were my home she had the balls to try to still treat as her own, you'd better believe I would be involved in the discussion.

Anonymous wrote:Can you get DH to write her a letter outlining the rules? That might make it more concrete.

"Larla,
As you and I have previously discussed, I am asking you to limit your time in our house to no more than 10 minutes. I would also ask that you not go beyond the foyer/kitchen (whatever) as this house is now my private residence. I also think it's important for us to focus on getting Billy to get organized about what he needs when and not depend on your or I to fetch his left-behind belongings on a daily basis. I will speak to Billy about this and that neither of us will be able to swing by either of our houses to collect his stuff. I appreciate your help on both of these matters. -- Jim."

Reasonable letter, but doesn't it sound like the mom is also coming over to visit and hang out when she doesn't have physical custody? Like, the kids are already home and their mom just decides to drop by and make herself a sandwich and hang out with them? That's the impression I got...

pp here again. Put it to your kids this way. How would you like it if when you went to school, I went into your room, hung out and did whatever I wanted while you were gone? You wouldn't like it, would you? Well that's the way we feel. We respect and appreciate your mother and have no problems - but she cannot hang out in our house without us being there. Just like we shouldn't hang out in your rooms without you being there.

Can you get DH to write her a letter outlining the rules? That might make it more concrete.

"Larla,
As you and I have previously discussed, I am asking you to limit your time in our house to no more than 10 minutes. I would also ask that you not go beyond the foyer/kitchen (whatever) as this house is now my private residence. I also think it's important for us to focus on getting Billy to get organized about what he needs when and not depend on your or I to fetch his left-behind belongings on a daily basis. I will speak to Billy about this and that neither of us will be able to swing by either of our houses to collect his stuff. I appreciate your help on both of these matters. -- Jim."

Wow, OP, this is stunning. What an awful boundary violation, and what a horrible situation for you. I would be LIVID on a daily basis if I were you. I agree with PP's that she is trying to stake her claim on your home. Obviously it's a sensitive thing for the teenagers, too, since they used to have their mom in this house, and it must be uncomfortable for them when she is being so pushy and trying to reassert her right to hang out with them in the home that she chose to leave.

May I ask why you and your husband do not choose to move to a new house? I cannot imagine living in my DH's previous marital home. One of the major things that I insisted upon when we decided to get married was that we would get a new home together, one that was new to both of us, so that it would not feel like either of us was an interloper in the other's previous life. And although I met my DH long after he and his ex split, and he had gotten a new home with his daughter after that, we decided it was healthier for all of us to get a new home together rather than my SD internalize it as, "Dad's new wife moved in with us." Have you ever considered that as part of a solution? (I know she might still trespass in a home, but there's got to be something in play in that she is making herself a sandwich in a kitchen that used to be "hers", don't you think?)

BTW, how long has this been going on? How long have you been married? How long after she moved out did you move in? And do you and DH have children together?