Anonymous wrote:I'm currently in a debate with friends. I believe that it is perfectly acceptable for there to be gender roles within a marriage. For example, the husband always gets gas when it's late at night. What's everyone else's opinion?

How is your husband farting have anything to do with gender

Useless to "debate" hypothetical situations.

Absolutely. I make more money than DH but there are house chores I will not touch if he's around.

Anonymous wrote:I am a proud feminist but some things definitely break down along standard gender roles in our house and I am a-ok with that. Antyhign involving garbage, bugs, mice, crawlspaces or other miscellany yuck--is my husbands job. No questions asked. menial shit involving our kid/social plans/extended family (researching childare, preschool, drs apt, clothes etc)-all me. We outsource cleaning and DH does 90% of cooking and grocery shopping. I think I am coming out ahead.

We have a similar division with gross vs. menial tasks.

I am a proud feminist but some things definitely break down along standard gender roles in our house and I am a-ok with that. Antyhign involving garbage, bugs, mice, crawlspaces or other miscellany yuck--is my husbands job. No questions asked. menial shit involving our kid/social plans/extended family (researching childare, preschool, drs apt, clothes etc)-all me. We outsource cleaning and DH does 90% of cooking and grocery shopping. I think I am coming out ahead.

Anonymous wrote:I'm currently in a debate with friends. I believe that it is perfectly acceptable for there to be gender roles within a marriage. For example, the husband always gets gas when it's late at night. What's everyone else's opinion?

That's fine. But, I would describe it as "roles" rather than "gender roles." I do lots of things that are my "role" but not something usually associated with DWs roles and vice versa. If both people are ok with what they've taken on then who cares?

Agree with commenters that marriage roles are more about prefernces and abilities than gender roles per se. I do wonder though if some of our gender differences cause us to take on certain roles though. For instance, I am pregnant with #1 and DH has already agreed he will be taking on some extra work with daycare pick up/drop offs because I'm going to have to build time into my day to pump on breaks and hopefully be able to go by daycare and nurse at lunchtime. So those taks are somewhat based on physical differences. Also, I am petite so he tends to take on a lot of heavy lifting duties around the house such as mowing, garage door repair, anything requiring power tools, etc. whereas I'm much happier to do laundry and cook dinner.

That being said, I'm all for gender equality and either partner being able to take one whatever tasks work for the family. Without gender equality, I would never have been able to go to law school and provide half our family's income.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly the man should always be the primary driver too. Can I get an amen, OP?

PP here. In my house DH is the primary driver because he sucks at managing the kids in the car. My BFF however is the primary driver in her house, because she can't handle how slow her DH drives. (Which is true in my house too, but I've overcome my impatience.)

what? there's more than one slow ass husband driver in town? i thought i was the only one.

Anonymous wrote:I'm currently in a debate with friends. I believe that it is perfectly acceptable for there to be gender roles within a marriage. For example, the husband always gets gas when it's late at night. What's everyone else's opinion?

In the reality of an actual marriage, the two adults get to decide who does what. Trying to generalize rules for other peoples' marriages is just idle chatter.

I think if you replace the term "gender roles" with "an agreement made by the two adults about who does what", then you'll be able to have a civil discussion rather than "a debate".

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I never criticized anyone's marriage, we were simply in a debate over f this line of thinking was okay or not. My friends think my line of thinking is way behind the times but I don't agree. I'm happy to whatever works for these marriages. I just wanted to gather if I was alone in my line of thinking

I don't think certain jobs are "women's work" or "men's work," but it makes perfect sense to have some jobs "assigned" to partner A or partner B. I mean, what would the alternative be? Forcing the one who hates/is terrible at ironing (or driving, or whatever) to do exactly half of it for equity's sake? That seems silly.

Op here. I never criticized anyone's marriage, we were simply in a debate over f this line of thinking was okay or not. My friends think my line of thinking is way behind the times but I don't agree. I'm happy to whatever works for these marriages. I just wanted to gather if I was alone in my line of thinking

I have convinced my DH to clean the litter box and pick up the dog's poo in the backyard in exchange for doing all our laundry. I told him he's just so good at handling those jobs lol. It feels like a win to me

Anonymous wrote:I think it's great to have roles and specialization. Not sure why they have to be "gender roles." They can be whatever each person is good at/enjoys/doesn't mind.

Right. My husband is stronger and handier, so I expect him to fix things and do the heavy lifting. I'm tidier and more organized so I neaten and organize. Whether we were conditioned to be this way is why people might consider this a gender politics issue. On the other hand, husband is a better cook so does the lion's share of the cooking.

I say whatever works best for the people in a couple is what they should do.

Anonymous wrote:I'm currently in a debate with friends. I believe that it is perfectly acceptable for there to be gender roles within a marriage. For example, the husband always gets gas when it's late at night. What's everyone else's opinion?

One of my grandmothers did not ever pump gas because she said she didn't know how. My grandfather always filled up the car before coming home in case she had to drive anywhere by herself. My other grandmother did not drive at all. She learned how and got a license, but never drove again after that. That grandfather always drove. They lived in NYC so she could get around without driving. I hate driving and pumping gas, and while I am perfectly capable of both I sure do wish I could get away with what my grandmothers did!!

Lesbian couple here. We divide and conquer. It isn't based on gender roles or (for the most part) interests. It is a team effort.

Who takes the trash out depends on who notices it is full and/or who is available to roll the cans to the curb. We both fix dinner. We both do laundry. She irons because I hate it and suck at it. I take care of all of the kids medical appointments/activity registrations. She takes care of a majority of the issues with the kids' school. We fill up our own cars when we need it. The cleaning company cleans our house.