Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
op here : I'm not trying or wanting to tear people apart over this. It's just that situation coupled w/ my daughter saying what she did has made me really uncomfortable.

Please listen to your daughter. Limit contact to that which you can personally supervise every single second.

If you don't keep your daughter away she will be raped. Period.

WAKE THE FUCK UP

OP, I suggest you read the book, Protecting the Gift by Gavin deBecker.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so confused. Was the hand under or over the shirt? Where was it? On a boob?

Hand was over shirt, hip/waist to elbow.

I think there's so much more to this story than you are saying if you are willing to cut all contact to your parents over this one incident which could be construed different ways.

Good luck to you and your daughter.

Well we weren't there. I'm sorry. Sometimes it takes people a long time to deal with the hurt our parents can inflict. Reading what you wrote may not sound like much to me, but I wasn't there and this has caused you pain for a long time.

You owe it to your daughter to protect her. Follow your gut instinct with this. If you don't want to confront your father then don't. Obviously you are not comfortable with him. Your daughter's well-being is your priority, not anyone's feelings.

I think your gut instinct to listen to your daughter and protect her is what you should be doing. It's your job as her mother to do everything you can to protect her.

You should determine how that plays out. Maybe it is taking a break from spending time with them for a period of time. Maybe it is cutting off.
It IS never letting her be alone with this person with you or your DH there.

Was your dad drunk when this happened? Were you alone in the house? I am trying to understand how a loving father would do something like this. Were there ever any signs of inappropriate boundaries prior or after?

Op here: thank you. Mulling this all over and what to do feels awful for a variety of reasons and it was so long ago. I'm going thru time right now of not wanting to talk with these family members and I feel terrible about that. Not because I'm actively angry, I'm not, I am feeling protective and wanting to shut off from them and not do idle chit chat.

OP, I was "sort of" abused too. Like the pp's said, and you now realize, it stays with you for a long time. When I talked to a therapist about it, she told me that sometimes dredging up the memories and details and everything can be just as traumatic as the initial incident. And its important to deal with how you're feeling now rather than try to remember everything.

With that backdrop, I made the decision to be helicopter parent whenever we were around the perp rather than confront and rehash something that happened years and years ago. I honestly was practically attached to my children when we had family functions. I would be in the "playroom" with all the children - cousins, follow my kids outside if they wanted to play with their cousins outside, and just tag team with my DH (he knew all about it and was supportive of the plan). It changed the dynamics of what I considered a holiday visit. It no longer became us catching up with the family, visiting with aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. It became about my kids getting to know their cousins while I was right there in the same room. Once I changed my perspective (never looking at Christmas as me visiting my family - but me being around my kids 24/7) it became a little easier, but it was still pretty hard.

Eventually, we saw them less and less and my kids got older and older. But, I blamed any comments or opinions on "this is what I want to do." and "No thanks, I'll just stay here."

Good luck. Navigating this is very difficult.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here : early on (I'm in 40's now) i mentioned it to two therapists one during college then in my 20's . If memory serves I was pretty off hand about it and that may have contributed to the meh nothing to it reaction. I truly think I wanted to ask about it but did so pretty off handedly because I probably was ok with being dismissed about it. Have in recent times talked with two with same incident but my feelings attached to it (gut stuff) . They were encouraging to see it for the feelings and gut reaction and act accordingly w resp to daughter.

Did they suggest cutting all contact without any further discussion with dad? If so, that's what I would do.

Therapists don't make this kind of recommendation to adults unless there's immediate risk of harm.

Anonymous wrote:Op here : early on (I'm in 40's now) i mentioned it to two therapists one during college then in my 20's . If memory serves I was pretty off hand about it and that may have contributed to the meh nothing to it reaction. I truly think I wanted to ask about it but did so pretty off handedly because I probably was ok with being dismissed about it. Have in recent times talked with two with same incident but my feelings attached to it (gut stuff) . They were encouraging to see it for the feelings and gut reaction and act accordingly w resp to daughter.

Did they suggest cutting all contact without any further discussion with dad? If so, that's what I would do.

Op here : early on (I'm in 40's now) i mentioned it to two therapists one during college then in my 20's . If memory serves I was pretty off hand about it and that may have contributed to the meh nothing to it reaction. I truly think I wanted to ask about it but did so pretty off handedly because I probably was ok with being dismissed about it. Have in recent times talked with two with same incident but my feelings attached to it (gut stuff) . They were encouraging to see it for the feelings and gut reaction and act accordingly w resp to daughter.

Anonymous wrote:Op here: thx. I get it and have talked to therapists. Helpful sometimes to get objective anonymous opinions that's all.

This is tough a tough one. Given the info you have shared, no, I probably wouldn't cut off contact. But it sounds like there may be information you are (appropriately) holding back.

How many therapists have you seen? Why did you go to the therapist? Was it about this incident with your father?

Anonymous wrote:Op here: thx. I get it and have talked to therapists. Helpful sometimes to get objective anonymous opinions that's all.

What did the therapists suggest re: contact?

Op here: thx. I get it and have talked to therapists. Helpful sometimes to get objective anonymous opinions that's all.