Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the nice cultural norm (even in AMerica!) is to reciprocate the invitation. I often fail at this because my marriage is troubled and I have other problems that makes it stressful to have people over to the house. I would love to have people over, but it's very difficult to find the "right time" for an invite because of the utter mess that is our life. I don't think most people that know us know the extent of the problems. I do always offer to bring something.
So, just sayin' .... cut your friends some slack, because you don't necessarily know what's going on to prevent them from inviting you.

OP here. Thanks for sharing your experience. I think it's important to remember this.

Ditto. Our family dynamic makes hosting things in the home very difficult and stressful. There are folks out there who love entertaining and when I'm invited I'm grateful, though social events can be hard for me. But I'm not going to reciprocate tit for tat. I will certainly find other ways to show my appreciation.

My mother killed herself a few years ago, well three years ago. Life still takes a lot of effort, OP. I appear gracious and sociable because I want (desperately) to be the person I want to be, free of this stone of grief that sits in my home. I make myself do play dates for the benefit of the children. But I crawl into bed every night, exhausted from the day. Every day. Not many people know this piece of my personal history. I think it would help you to understand that folks have their own baggage, and you may never know why a dinner with friends may prove a burden to them. You sound like a lovely hostess. Please don't allow the perceived lack of reciprocation to dull your apparent joy for these get-togethers. Don't limit your love of a good time by counting beans, as the PP said. Sometimes in life other people need More. And, through your parties, you provide so much. Let it be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the nice cultural norm (even in AMerica!) is to reciprocate the invitation. I often fail at this because my marriage is troubled and I have other problems that makes it stressful to have people over to the house. I would love to have people over, but it's very difficult to find the "right time" for an invite because of the utter mess that is our life. I don't think most people that know us know the extent of the problems. I do always offer to bring something.
So, just sayin' .... cut your friends some slack, because you don't necessarily know what's going on to prevent them from inviting you.

OP here. Thanks for sharing your experience. I think it's important to remember this.

Ditto. Our family dynamic makes hosting things in the home very difficult and stressful. There are folks out there who love entertaining and when I'm invited I'm grateful, though social events can be hard for me. But I'm not going to reciprocate tit for tat. I will certainly find other ways to show my appreciation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe it is a cultural thing? My parents are from another culture that is similar- someone invites you over, you eventually want to reciprocate even if entertaining is not your "thing." I don't think it's as big of a deal in American culture? Like, if you don't want to have a dinner party here, you just don't. There's no "code." I think that's why Americans have a lot of social problems.

I find Indians to be more socially awkward than Americans.

LOL. Really? Every Indian knows that you should reciprocate dinner invites or decline the invitation in the first place. It is not necessary that you reciprocate by calling the other person for dinner, there are other ways you can reciprocate and grow the friendship.

Reciprocity is the way people signal that they value the relationship. If you do not want to have a relationship, you can decline the invitation. But to come to dinner, eat, drink and then never reciprocate in some way is low class - in any and all cultures.

I agree. I think my rate of reciprocation is about 5%. It's crazy how no one seems to have parties and we love to invite people over.

It bugs me a little too when we go out to dinner with friends to reciprocate. I mean I enjoy meeting up with my friends, but it's not the same as them having us over.

And seriously people- no one cares about your small apartment. That's not what it's about. If we all waited until our homes were perfect, we'd all be waiting a long time. The most fun we have is when my friend has us over for drinks in her 500 sq ft studio in foggy bottom. The location is awesome, as is her company.

OP, like you I love to give dinner parties. We have a nice dining room, I enjoy cooking, and we prefer the more relaxed and intimate setting of a dinner party (regardless of whether we're hosts or guests). At a dinner party you can have a real conversation -- not just chit-chat. Sure, over the years we've found that some people don't reciprocate, but sometimes we don't reciprocate either. There are lots of reasons for this -- as others have cited, some people don't like to cook or don't feel they have the space, or sometimes life gets in the way -- (and please don't delude yourself into thinking that because someone hosts happy pictures on FB, her life is just going along in a candy-colored dream -- FB is not real.) In any case, I've just decided over time not to let the reciprocation thing get in the way of friendship -- largely because others have cut us slack at times when we had too much going on to host them.

I completely understand how you feel.
I am a Chinese, and despite having all my acquaintances ( and their partners/husbands) over for dinners over the years, it has NEVER been reciprocated. There have occasionally been "you must come over for dinner with us", but it never happened.
I am afraid that I will loose my social skills if I don't see any body. I play bridge with a group of three on Wednesdays, but however much I did, having them for lunch before the game for example, it's never been reciprocated. I also play at clubs, joined adult edn. classes, but only make acquaintances from theses contacts.
The only conversations I have daily are with my dog and my son (via his daily phone calls), who works in Europe.
I felt like a terrible loser, as if somebody shows a little more kindness or attention to me, I perceive them as "best friends". How sad is That!!!
Please help!!!!!!

Sorry my husband is one of those people. He had a work friend invite us to dinner several times rather persistently so we went. I kept mentioning to dh that we needed to host his friend as well and kept getting put off. This friend now lives in another city and not once did dh put together a dinner to reciprocate. I minded my own business about it because it wasn't my friend, it was dH's friend. But am saddened he treats friends like that.

Anonymous wrote:Even if people don't like to host in their homes, they should definitely invite you out to a restaurant to reciprocate.

We have friends who do this. And yet I do feel uncomfortable ...not sure why. I feel weird when the bill comes.
I mean they never have anyone over ever. Not really sure why. Others-well, some seem to out of obligation but it's clear no one really wants to. I think they go way out of their way to clean and cook, etc. and they just think it's not worth it. I can make dinner for about 8 people for less an an evening out a restaurant and the evening lasts longer. So we will continue. Lately sometimes friends bring dishes so that's fun but even then I see that they worry about that...is it good enough, etc. People are too uptight.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I wonder if you really would be satisfied if they invited you to join them at a restaurant with everyone paying their own way, even if that is what fit their means

Not paying their own way. That doesn't count. At all.

Choose a modest restaurant if that what's within your means.

Don't exchange favors for a dinner invitation. no no no.

Both people should want to spend time together to socialize. And the initiation should be relatively equal and reciprocated.

Well, I'm feeling pretty broke these days, so I'll invite OP to McDonalds. But only if she sticks to the Dollar Menu. Do you think that would fly?

LOL! You can invite me over for popcorn and coffee. How is that?

Depends. Do you also expect me to clean the bathroom?

Well if you were cleaning the bathroom, who would I talk to and share jokes with? Looks like we could share many laughs together.

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who insists on reciprocating dinner for dinner -- but she is the worst cook ever! She is always on some new food kick and she cannot read a recipe to save her life. I actually eat a small meal before we go over there, so I won't be hungry.

That said, I love her and her company. It's really not about the food -- it's about spending time together. When people don't reciprocate in any way (restaurant, cookout, whatever) it does start to feel unbalanced.

If you are invited to someone's home for dinner, you can at least reciprocate by inviting them to something -- anything. I don't care if you cook the meal yourself. Get a bunch of sushi or a ready-made meal from Wegman's. It's really not that hard.

LOL!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a bean-counter. Accept it. But please try to remind yourself that others are not intentionally setting out to slight you or be unfriendly.

Thank you for your perspective. Not the name calling though - not thanking you for that (does that qualify as said "bean-counting")? LOL

"Bean-counting " is not necessarily pejorative. It is descriptive as to how people view relationships. This is how you view the world - in transactional terms. Not something I particularly enjoy in a friendship, but I also accept that this is an ingrained part of your personality. I'm sure there's some kind of Myers-Briggs kind of scale that maps out how people approach friendships.

But seriously, invite people for dinner because you enjoy cooking. If you don't like it, don't do it. Order in catered food or agree to meet friends at a restaurant. We're not really living in a dinner-party world here. I don't think I've been invited to a sit down dinner in ages, but have been to cookouts. I don't have great outdoor spaces, so I do more "open houses" with a spread of food. If you think some of your friends are "users", drop them. But other than that, I see people when I see people.

Again thanks for your advise in the last para. With regard to your comment earlier on this post: I am sure there is also a Myers-Briggs code for people who view the world in "essentialized" terms based on very limited information. Not a trait a would particularly find appealing in a friend. But hey, who am I to judge. I think another poster on this thread said it best: This thread pretty much sums up why everyone is not friends with everyone.

I have a friend who insists on reciprocating dinner for dinner -- but she is the worst cook ever! She is always on some new food kick and she cannot read a recipe to save her life. I actually eat a small meal before we go over there, so I won't be hungry.

That said, I love her and her company. It's really not about the food -- it's about spending time together. When people don't reciprocate in any way (restaurant, cookout, whatever) it does start to feel unbalanced.

If you are invited to someone's home for dinner, you can at least reciprocate by inviting them to something -- anything. I don't care if you cook the meal yourself. Get a bunch of sushi or a ready-made meal from Wegman's. It's really not that hard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I wonder if you really would be satisfied if they invited you to join them at a restaurant with everyone paying their own way, even if that is what fit their means

Not paying their own way. That doesn't count. At all.

Choose a modest restaurant if that what's within your means.

Don't exchange favors for a dinner invitation. no no no.

Both people should want to spend time together to socialize. And the initiation should be relatively equal and reciprocated.

Well, I'm feeling pretty broke these days, so I'll invite OP to McDonalds. But only if she sticks to the Dollar Menu. Do you think that would fly?

LOL! You can invite me over for popcorn and coffee. How is that?

Depends. Do you also expect me to clean the bathroom?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I wonder if you really would be satisfied if they invited you to join them at a restaurant with everyone paying their own way, even if that is what fit their means

Not paying their own way. That doesn't count. At all.

Choose a modest restaurant if that what's within your means.

Don't exchange favors for a dinner invitation. no no no.

Both people should want to spend time together to socialize. And the initiation should be relatively equal and reciprocated.

Well, I'm feeling pretty broke these days, so I'll invite OP to McDonalds. But only if she sticks to the Dollar Menu. Do you think that would fly?

LOL! You can invite me over for popcorn and coffee. How is that?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a bean-counter. Accept it. But please try to remind yourself that others are not intentionally setting out to slight you or be unfriendly.

Thank you for your perspective. Not the name calling though - not thanking you for that (does that qualify as said "bean-counting")? LOL

"Bean-counting " is not necessarily pejorative. It is descriptive as to how people view relationships. This is how you view the world - in transactional terms. Not something I particularly enjoy in a friendship, but I also accept that this is an ingrained part of your personality. I'm sure there's some kind of Myers-Briggs kind of scale that maps out how people approach friendships.

But seriously, invite people for dinner because you enjoy cooking. If you don't like it, don't do it. Order in catered food or agree to meet friends at a restaurant. We're not really living in a dinner-party world here. I don't think I've been invited to a sit down dinner in ages, but have been to cookouts. I don't have great outdoor spaces, so I do more "open houses" with a spread of food. If you think some of your friends are "users", drop them. But other than that, I see people when I see people.