Anonymous
02/25/2015 19:20
Subject: Do I have an obligation to tell my sister what her DH said?
Eek. This is a toughie.
I would speak to your Brother-in-Law again, when he is sober + remind him of your previous conversation. Remind him exactly what he told you and let him know that it troubled you and that if he doesn't bring to light his issues w/your sister, you have no choice but to do so yourself.
Because it is after all, HIS fault. Because once he opened up his mouth and disclosed this information, he put you in the position where as her sister, you are now obligated to tell her what you know. For you to not tell her a thing and if she learns later on that you knew all along, she may never forgive you.
I would speak to your Brother-in-Law again, when he is sober + remind him of your previous conversation. Remind him exactly what he told you and let him know that it troubled you and that if he doesn't bring to light his issues w/your sister, you have no choice but to do so yourself.
Because it is after all, HIS fault. Because once he opened up his mouth and disclosed this information, he put you in the position where as her sister, you are now obligated to tell her what you know. For you to not tell her a thing and if she learns later on that you knew all along, she may never forgive you.
Anonymous
02/25/2015 15:10
Subject: Do I have an obligation to tell my sister what her DH said?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The reason why people are telling you to shut it, OP, is because your loyalties may be to your sister but her's may be, in fact, to her marriage (or the appearance of her marriage). If you wade into this mess, OP, you can guarantee there is going to be damage and the easiest target is you (because lord knows if these idiots would have dealt with their drama, they wouldn't have laid it at your feet). Avoid engaging at all costs. Ignore and deny. Repeat. Ignore and deny you ever knew anything about anything. Because this isn't your marriage or life, but it could mess yours up (or at least cause a headache).
This. Best advice here.
+2
Anonymous
02/25/2015 15:09
Subject: Do I have an obligation to tell my sister what her DH said?
Where'd you go, OP?
Anonymous
02/25/2015 14:12
Subject: Do I have an obligation to tell my sister what her DH said?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I can't believe PPs who told OP to mind her own business and not tell her own sister.
You tell your sister calmly and matter of factly what her husband said. In private.
Perhaps she already knows. Perhaps she knows he's crazy, or liable to say things while drunk. Perhaps she already has a plan. Perhaps she's going to be surprised and hate you (temporarily).
But your duty is to tell her. None of this was in confidence, and if it was, his confidence is seriously misplaced.
The guy is being ABUSED. If the genders were reversed you'd be calling for his testicles.
Absolutely not. If my brother was mean to his wife, and she told me she planned on leaving him, I would say "good for you" and tell my brother as well, in a "see what you did" kind of way. They are going to divorce anyway, and both have to get their ducks in a row. I would refuse to be put in a position of "secret-holder" - it's very damaging.
Anonymous
02/25/2015 13:48
Subject: Do I have an obligation to tell my sister what her DH said?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It's entirely possible that this guy is charming in public but an ass in private with her. I once dated a guy who would, say, fight with me in the car on the way to a party to the extent I'd be close to tears, and then go into the party in a great mood. Meanwhile I'd be on edge and looked like the depressed screwed up one bc I couldn't just shrug off his hostility, which no one else saw.
Right. Blame the victim. Men don't get emotionally abused. Everyone knows that.
NP here. Seriously, we have no basis for concluding that the guy is being abused, even if the wife does speak negatively about him to her family. Not every unkind act toward a spouse is abuse. The conversation he had with OP makes me think he has his share of issues and may well treat his wife poorly and with lot of rage. I just don't see a guy who isn't somewhat unhinged speaking about his wife that way to her sister.
Bottom line is we don't really know what goes on in someone else's marriage. If OP's sister is truly a great sister, friend, daughter, etc., my guess is that her attitude toward her spouse is being triggered by something. Not saying she's totally blameless, but OP should not be so quick to conclude that the sister deserves whatever is coming to her.
Sometimes we do know about a bad marriage because it disintegrates right in front of you. The OP stated that she and other family members have witnessed her sister's offensive behavior toward her marriage for several years now. Her observation of her sister's unkindness is not a hasty one.
Anonymous
02/25/2015 13:07
Subject: Do I have an obligation to tell my sister what her DH said?
Anonymous wrote:I disagree. I still regret not telling my mother about something like this, she felt that I hadn't been loyal to her and then died very quickly thereafter. So I would tell.
If they feel the need to seriously set a plan from getting away from their spouse.. something dangerous is going on. It reeks of abuse.
Anonymous
02/25/2015 12:52
Subject: Do I have an obligation to tell my sister what her DH said?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It's entirely possible that this guy is charming in public but an ass in private with her. I once dated a guy who would, say, fight with me in the car on the way to a party to the extent I'd be close to tears, and then go into the party in a great mood. Meanwhile I'd be on edge and looked like the depressed screwed up one bc I couldn't just shrug off his hostility, which no one else saw.
Right. Blame the victim. Men don't get emotionally abused. Everyone knows that.
NP here. Seriously, we have no basis for concluding that the guy is being abused, even if the wife does speak negatively about him to her family. Not every unkind act toward a spouse is abuse. The conversation he had with OP makes me think he has his share of issues and may well treat his wife poorly and with lot of rage. I just don't see a guy who isn't somewhat unhinged speaking about his wife that way to her sister.
Bottom line is we don't really know what goes on in someone else's marriage. If OP's sister is truly a great sister, friend, daughter, etc., my guess is that her attitude toward her spouse is being triggered by something. Not saying she's totally blameless, but OP should not be so quick to conclude that the sister deserves whatever is coming to her.
The relationship with a spouse is MUCH different than a birth family.
Anonymous
02/25/2015 12:14
Subject: Do I have an obligation to tell my sister what her DH said?
I disagree. I still regret not telling my mother about something like this, she felt that I hadn't been loyal to her and then died very quickly thereafter. So I would tell.
Anonymous
02/25/2015 11:36
Subject: Do I have an obligation to tell my sister what her DH said?
Anonymous wrote:The reason why people are telling you to shut it, OP, is because your loyalties may be to your sister but her's may be, in fact, to her marriage (or the appearance of her marriage). If you wade into this mess, OP, you can guarantee there is going to be damage and the easiest target is you (because lord knows if these idiots would have dealt with their drama, they wouldn't have laid it at your feet). Avoid engaging at all costs. Ignore and deny. Repeat. Ignore and deny you ever knew anything about anything. Because this isn't your marriage or life, but it could mess yours up (or at least cause a headache).
This. Best advice here.