Anonymous
Post 04/19/2015 14:52     Subject: DW not in love anymore
You have no idea how wrong you are. I did everything for him, sex life was good. About 2 years ago he started to change. It was all about him, everything. He became more interested in going/staying out, I never thought anything was going on and I always encouraged him in whatever he wanted to do. Not a jealous wife. He started being extremely bossy and controlling. He was suddenly Complaining about expenses. Turns out those expenses were his and a coworkers. When I found out this was going on for over a year. It was like flipping a switch.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2015 12:09     Subject: DW not in love anymore
You loved him when he took you for granted and wished he would stop. Now you don't love him when he dotes on you and wish he would stop.

Sounds a lot like the kid who is bored with his toy until someone else starts playing with it.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2015 11:09     Subject: DW not in love anymore
I am going through the same thing w my H. He was basically living 2 lives. His job and doing whatever he wanted before he got home. This went on for some time before I accidently found out. I was humiliated and hurt. Did he have an affair? I will never know for sure.
I don't trust him at all, I don't know if I ever will again. I do love him, but at the same time I am repulsed because he is so needy now and every single interaction , whether it is a text or look or sneeze, he is begging for my love,approval and affection. Where was this a year ago? He is driving me away. I constantly BEG him to stop. It is SO draining. Where before he would come home from work, and give me a kiss and move on.. Now he looks at me like a puppy and thinks every interaction should be of undying love. Sorry I just don't feel it. I wish with all my heart I could feel the way I used to. He ripped that away from me. Betrayed me, took me for granted.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2015 19:32     Subject: DW not in love anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, what did you do that she has to get over? Why doesn't she trust you? If you can't admit it here, anonymously, then you're probably not dealing with the issues totally honestly with her, either. It's on you, right?

I've gone through this kind of thing with my husband. He struggled and had to come to terms with the strong possibility that even if he did everything and anything to win me back, for all that, he had no guarantees and couldn't control how I felt or what I did.

And you know what, he told me that no matter what, he was determined to show his love, to do right, to make things up to me, to be transparent and be trustworthy, and to finally treat me with all the love and care I had always deserved. It's still hard for me, but I see him working at it, and so long as he keeps consistently doing it, I will give it time and an open mind. For as long as it takes.


Why don't you cut him a break and open up to his love rather than drag this shit out.


Your comment is selfish and ignorant. Do you also tell critically injured people to walk it off and snap out of it? Healing and building trust is a process that takes time. I was trying to give the OP a sense of how it might feel for his wife, if he's done things that destroyed her trust and that they have to work through. It takes time and work.


Total bullshit. It takes active love to stay married. I bet if she hit it off with a co worker she would be blowing him on the second outing. It's bullshit like this that women pull that makes me wish I were gay. Guys would be like hey you hurt my feelings for s long time. Oh. You're sorry? You're making demonstrable efforts to improve and we have a ten year history with beautiful children and an otherwise great family life? Let's fuck.

If the couple is so critically injured just fucking get divorced already than drag this shit out. People can make themselves happy or not. It's s choice.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2015 12:52     Subject: DW not in love anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, what did you do that she has to get over? Why doesn't she trust you? If you can't admit it here, anonymously, then you're probably not dealing with the issues totally honestly with her, either. It's on you, right?

I've gone through this kind of thing with my husband. He struggled and had to come to terms with the strong possibility that even if he did everything and anything to win me back, for all that, he had no guarantees and couldn't control how I felt or what I did.

And you know what, he told me that no matter what, he was determined to show his love, to do right, to make things up to me, to be transparent and be trustworthy, and to finally treat me with all the love and care I had always deserved. It's still hard for me, but I see him working at it, and so long as he keeps consistently doing it, I will give it time and an open mind. For as long as it takes.


Why don't you cut him a break and open up to his love rather than drag this shit out.


Your comment is selfish and ignorant. Do you also tell critically injured people to walk it off and snap out of it? Healing and building trust is a process that takes time. I was trying to give the OP a sense of how it might feel for his wife, if he's done things that destroyed her trust and that they have to work through. It takes time and work.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2015 08:41     Subject: DW not in love anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am going through the same thing. It is actually surreal to say the least. We had such great times and she was so in love. After three kids and life over the last ten years she has so much bottled up resentment and can only focus on the negative. So sad.


I think this is true for a lot of DWs, sadly. I went through a period of this, too. The only way we got over this hump was for us to change our lives and for DH to realize that he was not the only one who had to give up some things after kids came along.


DW here. I am very resentful at my DH for the years of my shouldering the emotional burden of having a family. I woke up and realized that I do not have an equal partner. I don't want to lose my family, but I am questioningwhether this has sucked all of the love I ever had for DH. We are in therapy so only time will tell.


So many men do this. I am an unmarried, unpregnant young woman. But hearing about this happening time and time again seriously makes me wonder if the best route would be making a good amount of money and becoming a single mom. I cannot imagine the emotional loneliness of having to raise a child AND navigate the temper tantrums of a selfish DH.


This is why I have few complaints about being a single mom now. It was so much worse when an able-bodied man, who'd taken an oath, and helped produce children who were wanted, sat on the sofa with his iPad while I shouldered the entirety of our household alone. It was so much worse.

My XH broke every bit of kindness I'd ever had for him by being highly critical re petty things [ like, why was I using the dishwasher instead of doing the dishes by hand?], while contributing NOTHING to our relationship or the children. I can't access any emotional memory of ever having loved him. It's like he erased my sense of smell or a flavor from my palate. He used up every bit of love I had within me to offer him.

God, I love raising these children free of the hassle and emotional burden of being married to that man.







+1000!
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2015 07:52     Subject: DW not in love anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wonder how common it is for women to, in reality, take on far more of the burden of running a family and how much of it is selective perception, reinforced by like minded women.

For every woman who slaves away at the dishes while her husband watches TV, seems like there is probably a husband slaving away at a high stress job while his wife "watches the kids" while drinking wine in the afternoon with other moms.


This "like minded woman" has a full time career outside of the home. So, no.


Not to completely open up a can of worms, but SAHM and WOHM have completely different values systems, as evidenced by their decisions. I work for home, always have. My DW felt my kids should be driven to school all the way through HS. She would come home after taking kids to school and then talk on the phone for an hour with her girlfriends. Never felt the need to get anything done, as in "oh, I forgot I will do it tomorrow". After watching this for about ten years, and epic battles, I made her go back to work. I was done funding the SuperMOM lifestyle. Some of these SOHMs get completely caught up in the wrong shit - they are wrecked if they are not the school moms or can't go on the field trips. And yet they have no problem spending money. So, I have alot of respect for how hard it is for WOHM, I find SAHM in the lower upper class have a racket. Mine complained that she didn't have help with a driver for the kids. After awhile it was like get your head out of your ass.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2015 07:36     Subject: DW not in love anymore
Anonymous wrote:I wonder how common it is for women to, in reality, take on far more of the burden of running a family and how much of it is selective perception, reinforced by like minded women.

For every woman who slaves away at the dishes while her husband watches TV, seems like there is probably a husband slaving away at a high stress job while his wife "watches the kids" while drinking wine in the afternoon with other moms.


This "like minded woman" has a full time career outside of the home. So, no.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2015 07:33     Subject: DW not in love anymore
I wonder how common it is for women to, in reality, take on far more of the burden of running a family and how much of it is selective perception, reinforced by like minded women.

For every woman who slaves away at the dishes while her husband watches TV, seems like there is probably a husband slaving away at a high stress job while his wife "watches the kids" while drinking wine in the afternoon with other moms.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2015 04:32     Subject: DW not in love anymore
Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, what did you do that she has to get over? Why doesn't she trust you? If you can't admit it here, anonymously, then you're probably not dealing with the issues totally honestly with her, either. It's on you, right?

I've gone through this kind of thing with my husband. He struggled and had to come to terms with the strong possibility that even if he did everything and anything to win me back, for all that, he had no guarantees and couldn't control how I felt or what I did.

And you know what, he told me that no matter what, he was determined to show his love, to do right, to make things up to me, to be transparent and be trustworthy, and to finally treat me with all the love and care I had always deserved. It's still hard for me, but I see him working at it, and so long as he keeps consistently doing it, I will give it time and an open mind. For as long as it takes.


Why don't you cut him a break and open up to his love rather than drag this shit out.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2015 03:15     Subject: DW not in love anymore
Hey OP, what did you do that she has to get over? Why doesn't she trust you? If you can't admit it here, anonymously, then you're probably not dealing with the issues totally honestly with her, either. It's on you, right?

I've gone through this kind of thing with my husband. He struggled and had to come to terms with the strong possibility that even if he did everything and anything to win me back, for all that, he had no guarantees and couldn't control how I felt or what I did.

And you know what, he told me that no matter what, he was determined to show his love, to do right, to make things up to me, to be transparent and be trustworthy, and to finally treat me with all the love and care I had always deserved. It's still hard for me, but I see him working at it, and so long as he keeps consistently doing it, I will give it time and an open mind. For as long as it takes.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2015 02:16     Subject: DW not in love anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am going through the same thing. It is actually surreal to say the least. We had such great times and she was so in love. After three kids and life over the last ten years she has so much bottled up resentment and can only focus on the negative. So sad.


I think this is true for a lot of DWs, sadly. I went through a period of this, too. The only way we got over this hump was for us to change our lives and for DH to realize that he was not the only one who had to give up some things after kids came along.


DW here. I am very resentful at my DH for the years of my shouldering the emotional burden of having a family. I woke up and realized that I do not have an equal partner. I don't want to lose my family, but I am questioningwhether this has sucked all of the love I ever had for DH. We are in therapy so only time will tell.


So many men do this. I am an unmarried, unpregnant young woman. But hearing about this happening time and time again seriously makes me wonder if the best route would be making a good amount of money and becoming a single mom. I cannot imagine the emotional loneliness of having to raise a child AND navigate the temper tantrums of a selfish DH.


This is why I have few complaints about being a single mom now. It was so much worse when an able-bodied man, who'd taken an oath, and helped produce children who were wanted, sat on the sofa with his iPad while I shouldered the entirety of our household alone. It was so much worse.

My XH broke every bit of kindness I'd ever had for him by being highly critical re petty things [ like, why was I using the dishwasher instead of doing the dishes by hand?], while contributing NOTHING to our relationship or the children. I can't access any emotional memory of ever having loved him. It's like he erased my sense of smell or a flavor from my palate. He used up every bit of love I had within me to offer him.

God, I love raising these children free of the hassle and emotional burden of being married to that man.



Anonymous
Post 04/18/2015 02:08     Subject: DW not in love anymore
Of course it's not going to work if he is being dishonest. His Gratitude Journal should 100% real and how he feels. Once you start looking for it, it is very easy to find 3-5 things to be grateful for every day. The original problem was he was ignoring his wife and not nurturing the love. Now he needs to focus his attention on all the good things he see in his life. And his wife needs to see that he is now paying attention.

My intention for the "accidentally" find is that DW is already checked out. Forcing this on her might feel like pressure. By finding that he is, on his own, paying attention, maybe, just maybe she can trust her heart with him.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2015 01:28     Subject: DW not in love anymore
Anonymous wrote:Are you speaking her Love Language? Read Gary Chapman's book. You might be expressing your love in a way that she doesn't receive. And if you just change the way you send love, thing might get better.

See if you can take a John Gottman weekend seminar. Check with the Gottman Institute web site for local weekends or go to the main campus in Seattle. If you can't do that, read a John Gottman book.

From him I've learned you need to have 5:1 good:bad ratio to have a good marriage. It sounds like you withdrew too much from the love bank and haven't put enough back in. So now it's time. The good things you do don't have to be big gestures. Simple things like thanking the other person for taking out the trash or doing the dishes, hug in the hallway when you pass by each other. Little things like that really do wonders.

I would also try a Gratitude journal that you let her 'accidentally' find. So every day, write 3-5 things you are grateful for. Make 2-3 of them be about things she does or the way she is that you are grateful for. Maybe if she knows you are paying attention, she will start to open up her heart.




Yeah. Good luck with that all, especially dishonestly leaving open a fake "Gratitude Journal." Way to go. That's the way to open up a new chapter in your lives!

(Or learning the correct love language from the love bank.)
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2015 01:11     Subject: DW not in love anymore
Are you speaking her Love Language? Read Gary Chapman's book. You might be expressing your love in a way that she doesn't receive. And if you just change the way you send love, thing might get better.

See if you can take a John Gottman weekend seminar. Check with the Gottman Institute web site for local weekends or go to the main campus in Seattle. If you can't do that, read a John Gottman book.

From him I've learned you need to have 5:1 good:bad ratio to have a good marriage. It sounds like you withdrew too much from the love bank and haven't put enough back in. So now it's time. The good things you do don't have to be big gestures. Simple things like thanking the other person for taking out the trash or doing the dishes, hug in the hallway when you pass by each other. Little things like that really do wonders.

I would also try a Gratitude journal that you let her 'accidentally' find. So every day, write 3-5 things you are grateful for. Make 2-3 of them be about things she does or the way she is that you are grateful for. Maybe if she knows you are paying attention, she will start to open up her heart.