Anonymous wrote:It's been five years since I discovered some texts on DW's phone. To make a long story short, DW had been away for a girl's weekend (which apparently involved getting together with some old guy friends who lived in that city) and when she returned I could tell something was a little off. I snooped and discovered DW and affair partner were texting weekly (sometimes multiple times per day) and planning their next meet up. Difficult because affair partner lived in a different city, but these two put forth quite an effort to plan it.

Rather than confront, I asked if everything was ok and let DW know I felt something was off. I even tried out the old "I know this sounds crazy but are you having an affair"? All I got in return was repeated denials while the communications continued and the day of DW's next visit with affair partner rapidly approached.

The whole thing turned my world upside down. After ten years of marriage it felt like everything about us was invalidated. I walked around stunned for months and there were times where I felt like I had been punched in the gut. The fact that DW could have cut it off after I asked her if anything was wrong told me everything I needed to know about her commitment to our relationship. That's probably what hurt the most -I couldn't rationalize it as a one-time mistake on her part.

I decided not to say anything more and to let DW go through with visit to affair partner (albeit with a private investigator hired to get photos) on the basis that our marriage was over and I at least wanted the leverage that photos would provide. But then I decided that splitting up was not going to be the best thing for our family (three young kids). And I just couldn't get over how super creepy hiring a PI seemed. So I confronted DW a few days before her visit with affair partner.

Fast forward five years and we've stayed together and I suppose moved past it, but I certainly haven't forgiven her nor has she accepted any responsibility. So we continue to stay together for the kids and manage to do it without fighting or creating a negative atmosphere. It actually works well for us. The key for me has been accepting the fact that I don't have the marriage I thought I had and just focusing on the joys that my kids bring me. I did look at my own actions to determine what I had done to bring this situation about. While we certainly had our share of the usual stresses, none of them really seemed to rise to the level where I could see how DW would choose to have an affair.

Finally, I decided that if my wife wasn't committed to being faithful, then I didn't have to be either. But I suppose that's a post for another thread. And for anyone contemplating it, I can tell you that having an affair of your own after being cheated on does absolutely nothing to dull the pain.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well my DH cheated and I was thrilled. It gave me a solid excuse to divorce him and come out smelling like roses, when in reality the whole thing was a huge windfall for me. I was way above his pay grade and he turned into a fat slob so I'm suprised he found someone who wanted to fuck him, but *shrug*.

Of course he did not know what do with himself when I did not die of sorrow when I discovered the affair and promptly threw him out the door and never looked back. Ht cried and begged, but I was given my opening to split and took the golden opportunity.

Funny how when you stop being their dutiful door mat how they changer their song and dance, but of course in my case I was already making plans to live the rest of my life on my terms.

You should have spared him the heartache and admitted you loathed him before he cheated.

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor's DH consorted with prostitutes when he served in the Korean War and she brings that up to this day.

Bet he regrets those true confessions.

Anonymous wrote:I got through it, but the nature of my husbands stepping out was a couple of drunk one night stands, not long term and no emotional connection. We ended up treating one another better. It took a long time (years) and he really wanted to make it better. I don't have regrets working it out.

Anonymous wrote:Well my DH cheated and I was thrilled. It gave me a solid excuse to divorce him and come out smelling like roses, when in reality the whole thing was a huge windfall for me. I was way above his pay grade and he turned into a fat slob so I'm suprised he found someone who wanted to fuck him, but *shrug*.

Of course he did not know what do with himself when I did not die of sorrow when I discovered the affair and promptly threw him out the door and never looked back. Ht cried and begged, but I was given my opening to split and took the golden opportunity.

Funny how when you stop being their dutiful door mat how they changer their song and dance, but of course in my case I was already making plans to live the rest of my life on my terms.

Anonymous wrote:My ex cheated and I left. Shortly after, my BFF's husband also cheated. She stayed with him and is trying to work it out. It has been over three years, and she is still reeling from his actions. I don't know if they will ever truly recover, but they are both really trying. They both do individual counseling and then attend couple's counseling.

I think that she still feels afraid that he might do it again. She was dumbstruck when it happened and never even thought it was a remote possibility. They are good people, though, and I hope that they can make it work.

In my case, I knew that I would never be able to trust my spouse again. He knew before we married that if he ever cheated that I would divorce him. In some ways, I think he cheated to cause the divorce and end things quickly. It was the right decision for us to divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got through it, but the nature of my husbands stepping out was a couple of drunk one night stands, not long term and no emotional connection. We ended up treating one another better. It took a long time (years) and he really wanted to make it better. I don't have regrets working it out.

I think the circumstances (long emotional affair vs a stupid one-night no further connection) would determine how recovery goes.

Professing love and caring on for a long-time vs a non-emotional one-time drunken BJ I woujd think woujd be different.

Anonymous wrote:I got through it, but the nature of my husbands stepping out was a couple of drunk one night stands, not long term and no emotional connection. We ended up treating one another better. It took a long time (years) and he really wanted to make it better. I don't have regrets working it out.

Anonymous wrote:10:59, I feel for you but if she has shown no remorse, no way you're not still very angry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated, for almost a year, soon after we married and before we had children or owned a house. It was cowardly and terrible - I did not think we were going to make it, I wanted out, and we had not changed anything about our single lives after marriage. All of those are excuses, but they provide some context. I felt horrible, and when my husband found out/I confessed (it was more of a confession/what is going on with you type thing), I expected things would be over. But they are not, and five years later we have children, and a home, and I think we are okay. I often think he regrets forgiving me, and I think it changed our relationship in all kinds of terrible ways I had not envisioned at the time. We have done therapy, and I can honestly say I would never, ever do it again. For me, it was a horrible self destructive thing like cutting or drugs. I caused everyone so much pain, and I have so much regret about it.

That said -- I don't think you get over it. I am still not over having done it. It changes a marriage. But I would not look on DCUM for advice or support - on this website, everyone tells every woman complaining about doing all the dishes to Divorce! and Why did you marry him? So, well, no. Therapy, meditation, take time for yourself, cherish yourself, grieve. It is like a mini death. Take care of yourself.

I can believe this. He has deep rooted anger that is never going to go away.

I've been there. I am curious how these cheated on men deal with the other man especially if they are someone they occasionally see around.