Anonymous
Post 03/07/2015 22:49     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
You are worrying too much right now for no good reason.

There is a very good chance your step son will either flunk out after one semester (or year) or voluntarily come home for community college. Happens all the time.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 10:40     Subject: Re:What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Our children are past the college age. What we saw was that someone like the DS in this case does not have the maturity to understand what he is asking of his parents (or himself) They literally have no grasp of what being in debt for a private college where they did nothing but party means as an adult -- because they are far from adults in their thinking (as evidenced by his grades and attitude) it is childish to say "pay for private for me" in the first place. But in the instance of our friends and relatives, they began to understand the real world when they were forced to make hard choices -- drop out of the state school and work for awhile. Join the military. Don't go to college at all. Eventually, they all matured and got on track. But just throwing money at a student who is as irresponsible as he is will not solve the problem. Your DH needs to stop putting you in the middle of this -- it is not helping anyone.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 09:44     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
I watched this with my stepbrother (year apart) in HS. His parents had saved nothing, and he only wanted to go to private schools known for partying. SD steered him towards schools where they thought he could get grant money, all of which he did not like on the tour (places like Liberty U). He didn't like the state schools either except the one near us that our parents did not want him to attend (to get him away from his pothead friends). Instead, he didn't apply anywhere, my mother (former college recruiter) pulled some strings and got him into a tiny private school last minute, with some grant money. He did really well, but hated the place and came home after freshman year, to go to the local state university, where he summarily flunked out.

Definitely sit down with your stepson and give him some options and tell him why. I think you'll be better off.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 09:00     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:My parents said go state or pay the difference yourself. I am eternally grateful for their good judgement on this as I watch my peers who are drowning in debt over mediocre private schools be unable to buy houses, be adults.


This is what we've told our kids. DS is only 11 and has already started asking what he needs to do if he wants to get a scholarship to an out of state school (he wants to go to school in CA). Hopefully, it is added motivation to him to work hard and keep focused on both academics and extracurriculars.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 08:56     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
My parents were not open with me about what they woujd contribute to college (turns out it was zero), and it made things hard for me. Your husband needs to tell his son what the deal is and start managing your step-son's expectations.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 08:04     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:OP, are you still out there? Any progress?


I think so. DH has gotten DSS to at least apply to our state schools. Now we need to wait and see where he is admitted. I guess we take it from there.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 08:00     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:More of a vent than anything else. DH has a child from a previous marriage who is off to college in the fall. He is a mediocre student. 2.5 unweighted GPA, 940 CR/M, no AP, no Honors, no activities. The only schools he can get into are either 1) expensive private that cater to these type of students; 2) non flagship state school; 3) community college.

We don't have the money to pay for option 1. Child does not want option 2 or 3.

I'm getting so frustrated by the constant dance around how to pay for option 1. Why can't DH just come out and say "we can't afford it". What is wrong with being honest with a child who is about to go off to college? We have enough saved that the child can attend any 4 yr state school that he can get into. It's not that we didn't save. We did. But the difference between in state tuition and private schools over 4 years is extraordinary.


I think you are completely reasonable. As long as DH is on board, stick to your guns. A lot of people can't even afford option 2. He should be grateful. His grades reflect a lack of effort. Better to learn the consequence now than later.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 07:51     Subject: Re:What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:I went to a state school to start, in order to get my prerequisites out of the way, save money, and do want was necessary to qualified for a full ride scholarship at the private University I wanted to graduate (and then get a Masters) from. It was my parents suggestion since they could only afford to help me out with state school tuition.
Few schools offer significant merit aid to transfers, now. Things are different from just 6 years ago, much less from 20yrs ago
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 07:39     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
OP, are you still out there? Any progress?
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 05:31     Subject: Re:What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
I went to a state school to start, in order to get my prerequisites out of the way, save money, and do want was necessary to qualified for a full ride scholarship at the private University I wanted to graduate (and then get a Masters) from. It was my parents suggestion since they could only afford to help me out with state school tuition.
Anonymous
Post 02/13/2015 03:50     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:My parents told me that if I went to any school that cost X, they'd pay for the whole thing. Any amount above X was on me. They didn't say I could or could not go anywhere - they just told me their parameters. As an adult, I think what they did was very smart - set a limit, let me make the decision, and they stayed within their means.


This is what I would do.
Anonymous
Post 02/12/2015 22:41     Subject: Re:What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
It's the latter. He tells me that we can't afford it. He doesn't need to tell me. He needs to tell his son. I agree with you that the longer he waits to have the discussion, the harder it's going to be.


It sounds like we are married to the same man. He wants to avoid conflict, he is hoping that ex-wife talks the son out of it or that the son changes his mind.

My DH does not have children from a previous marriage so I am going on just the part you say annoys you...

My DH also will repeatedly say something to me, and to me the path is clear what he needs to do, but he just doesn't want to to what I suggest.

You need to set a boundry, and when you do he will no longer have you as an outlet and will speak to his son (maybe) or stop driving you crazy (possibly)

Next time he tells you he can't afford the private school.

Tell him " I get stressed out every time you tell me that because I think that DH is being done a disservice by not being told"

"Please stop telling me that, we have discussed it and it is clear we don't have the funds. At this point I don't know what else I can do for you"

Give no advice, walk out of the room, and refuse to engage.

You wont believe how well this works. He may not follow your suggestions, but it will remove this stressful interaction.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2015 19:42     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, I feel for you SO much. My DH is similarly passive and conflict avoidant when talking with his daughter. She was a terrible HS student and he and his ex did not save for her education. And as a stepmom you DO have a say - it's your household budget. I was actually willing to take a huge chunk of our current joint income to pay for an expensive public junior college in VA, but DSD decided on community college[b] because her best friend wanted to get an apartment with her. (then she promptly dropped out. We since paid for two additional semesters that she ended up bombing, too.)

It's really cruel what your DH is doing By not leveling with his son. But I hope he's not similarly avoiding conflict with you and planning to take out huge private loans in order to avoid disappointing his son. Guilt is a powerful thing. Hope you'll update us about what happens.


I've never heard of junior college before: how does that differ from community college?


It's essentially the same as a community college (confers associates degrees and has transfer agreements with 4-year colleges) but many junior colleges also have on-campus housing and offer more supports for students who aren't quite ready for a 4-year college. There are a lot of expensive private junior colleges. If you have the means, it can be a way to send a struggling student "off" to college but give them more support than a typical 4 year school would do.

The college we looked at which is a public junior college is Richard Bland College in Virginia. (It's formerly the junior college of the College of William and Mary.) It's just as expensive as a 4-year public college in VA. So community college is the way to go if you want to save money. But we considers Bland, frankly, because we thought the appeal of dorm life might keep DSD more focused on classes than community college would. And to be honest it's a little of a face-saving thing among people who might be embarrassed about all their friends going away to school while they can't. It didn't work out for us though, since our DSD was more interested in socializing back home.


Thank-you very much for your reply as I never knew such an option existed. I'm sorry it didn't work out for your son, but I really appreciate the information.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2015 19:35     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
Anonymous wrote:My parents said go state or pay the difference yourself. I am eternally grateful for their good judgement on this as I watch my peers who are drowning in debt over mediocre private schools be unable to buy houses, be adults.




Agree 100%. There is also nothing wrong with saying "We won't pay for it." I mean what exactly did he spend his time in HS doing? Shouldn't be said by you, though, it needs to come from Dad.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2015 19:02     Subject: What's wrong with just saying...we can't afford it
My parents said go state or pay the difference yourself. I am eternally grateful for their good judgement on this as I watch my peers who are drowning in debt over mediocre private schools be unable to buy houses, be adults.