Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the thread, but I can tell you as the wife who did become fat and I'm sure my exH would have said I was lazy, I wasn't. I was miserable in a marriage, depressed, unhappy, I had lost sense of who I was as a woman, as a wife, I felt utterly helplessly miserable. And he was the reason. He was so mentally abusive and withholding, I had no idea at the time. For me though, I did go to the gym, and I did try and it didn't work. But for him, he'd put me down. He'd say I wasn't training hard, and I wasn't eating small enough. As he'd devour an entire pizza, alone and remain a super skinny guy. LONG story short, when we divorced, I lost 75 pounds. Without even trying. Because my inner woman was no longer put down, shamed, criticized. I was desired by others, I felt pretty, and my body just started responding. I think if she's depressed, she can feel your judgement and it's not helping. If you really do love her, I'd make her feel pretty, I'd go on walks with her as "dates" so you don't put her down. I'd get her a gorgeous lingerie set. I'd make her feel loved and desirable. If that doesn't work, then that is on her. But don't underestimate the value of feeling awful, and sensing your spouse feels that way about you too.

Please read the thread....but thanks for sharing your own story.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Actions speak louder than words. Does he do the same? Is there junk food in the closet? Does he eat wing and nachos while he downs a beer watching TV or does he make a nice salad on Saturday and ask her to go for a hike? Does he go to happy hour with friend or does he come home to help with the children?

Is he willing to go for a walk with her 3 days a week to help her be motivated and build their relationship or does he judge her, buy her yoga clothes and a gym membership and call it a day.

Lots of people can pay lip service to a problem and throw money at it but how many are actually vested in being part of the solution.

Do you have ANY suggestions for OP's wife or are you putting the entire solution on him. If she isn't motivated to do the work, then nothing is going to happen. It's very telling that you seem to blame OP for everything. Are you in the same situation as his DW? Seems like it.

No. But I would not compare anybody to me. I am in shape, the 75% breadwinner and do most of the kids stuff, support my H in his career but that is just the positive side of ADHD. The truth is, my H would never have the career he wanted without me, without my support, without my sacrifices. Um, yea that is what a team does. That is how I structure my family, like a team.

Everybody is all in 100% ... everybody. Not 50%/50%.

If you want something you have to actively achieve it. I understand if people can't rise to my level. But if you are going to sit on your ass, eating bon bons and wonder why you are not achieving goals for your family, I don't feel sorry for you.

Oh, yea ... suggestions. Yes I have suggestion.

Remove all boxed food from your house. Remove all candy from your house. Remove all dairy (except ice cream and milk for the kids) from your house. Remove all carbs, except brown rice and quinoa from your house.

Remove all artificial sweeteners from your house. Stop drinking coffee, use tea to get through the pain and suffering of the 1st 2 weeks, then switch to green tea.

NO ALCOHOL IN THE HOUSE... NONE!

Go to the store and literally buy every single solitary vegetable you see in the vegetable isle. Buy enough fruit so that everybody can have 2 servings of fruit a day.

Buy lean meat.

Buy whole milk yogurt (or 2%) no flavor and unsweetened vanilla almond milk.

Buy frozen berries and agave or honey

Sit the kids down and say "mom and dad" NOT JUST MOM, need to get healthier, we are going to eat healthier and exercise AS A FAMILY. So no candy, snacks, popcorn, junk for at least 2 weeks, WE (not mom) can not be tempted with artificial food.

Breakfast, smoothie (1/2 cup yogurt, berries, vanilla almond milk) (I add a protein powder and flax seeds)
Lunch - salad (with at least 5 vegetables) with 6-8 oz meat
Dinner - vegetable (or 2 or 3), 6-8oz meat and 1/2 cup rice (or quinoa)

NO alcohol.

Snacks: hummus, nuts (about 20), vegetables, 1/2 cup of plain yogurt (make tzatiki sp?), the 1 other fruit, 1/2 avacado


Every single weeknight the whole family should walk for 1 hour, ever single night... no excuses, no "it's too cold", no "but there is football/basketball on right now", find 1 hour... walk. as. a. family

Every single weekend, go to the gym, do a couples work out with a trainer. Let you trainer know you are on a new diet, because for the 1st 2 weeks workouts should not be high weight bearing.

Call me in 2 weeks and I will see how it is going, we may be able to adjust.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the thread, but I can tell you as the wife who did become fat and I'm sure my exH would have said I was lazy, I wasn't. I was miserable in a marriage, depressed, unhappy, I had lost sense of who I was as a woman, as a wife, I felt utterly helplessly miserable. And he was the reason. He was so mentally abusive and withholding, I had no idea at the time. For me though, I did go to the gym, and I did try and it didn't work. But for him, he'd put me down. He'd say I wasn't training hard, and I wasn't eating small enough. As he'd devour an entire pizza, alone and remain a super skinny guy. LONG story short, when we divorced, I lost 75 pounds. Without even trying. Because my inner woman was no longer put down, shamed, criticized. I was desired by others, I felt pretty, and my body just started responding. I think if she's depressed, she can feel your judgement and it's not helping. If you really do love her, I'd make her feel pretty, I'd go on walks with her as "dates" so you don't put her down. I'd get her a gorgeous lingerie set. I'd make her feel loved and desirable. If that doesn't work, then that is on her. But don't underestimate the value of feeling awful, and sensing your spouse feels that way about you too.

Same thing happened to me. I was with an abusive guy and gained a ton of weight, even though I have been skinny all my life. It was like I couldnt stop eating- and it was because it was my only (and not a smart way, but at the time I was so overwhelmed) way of dealing with the stress and the constant pain and emotional attacks.

Once I got divorced I lost all the weight and have gone back to my skinny self.

Maybe DH is the problem.

PP here, I dunno that DH is the problem, but maybe he's not helping. I wish I chose a better vice to my loneliness, depression etc. I wish I smoked, or drank, or did drugs, or on a healthier level, went to a therapist, ran, danced, something. But no, I ate. I stuffed down every emotion and every unhappiness. And that in turn changes your makeup and response to food anyway. I was eating foods I'd throw up mentioning now. But then, I noticed something. Even when I went on the low carb diet, and the intense gym regimen, I wouldn't lose a pound. I started thinking I was cursed. One day he and I both got sick and were puking for 3 days. He lost 7 pounds, me? NOTHING. I remember that day so clearly. He was always super judgmental of me, and I weak. I wanted him to say, wow. That is not right/fair. But no, it was me. Now, I get sick? I lost 7 pounds. I don't crave or buy bad food. It's like I'm a whole new person. And I firmly believe it's because I connect with who I am. And I firmly believe I chose to disconnect because I couldn't believe an intelligent strong woman would remain married to a man who made her feel so bad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Actions speak louder than words. Does he do the same? Is there junk food in the closet? Does he eat wing and nachos while he downs a beer watching TV or does he make a nice salad on Saturday and ask her to go for a hike? Does he go to happy hour with friend or does he come home to help with the children?

Is he willing to go for a walk with her 3 days a week to help her be motivated and build their relationship or does he judge her, buy her yoga clothes and a gym membership and call it a day.

Lots of people can pay lip service to a problem and throw money at it but how many are actually vested in being part of the solution.

Do you have ANY suggestions for OP's wife or are you putting the entire solution on him. If she isn't motivated to do the work, then nothing is going to happen. It's very telling that you seem to blame OP for everything. Are you in the same situation as his DW? Seems like it.

No. But I would not compare anybody to me. I am in shape, the 75% breadwinner and do most of the kids stuff, support my H in his career but that is just the positive side of ADHD. The truth is, my H would never have the career he wanted without me, without my support, without my sacrifices. Um, yea that is what a team does. That is how I structure my family, like a team.

Everybody is all in 100% ... everybody. Not 50%/50%.

If you want something you have to actively achieve it. I understand if people can't rise to my level. But if you are going to sit on your ass, eating bon bons and wonder why you are not achieving goals for your family, I don't feel sorry for you.

Exactly. I think it's very telling, this whole, "Why me? Why do I have to do it? Why can't she fix it all by herself? What can I tell her so she realizes she needs to shoulder this burden all on her own, and fix it NOW" attitude. Clearly OP has no interest in genuinely fixing this problem, unless it involves laying on the couch while his DW does all the household chores while starving herself and finding time to workout.

If ANYONE sounds lazy, it's OP.

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the thread, but I can tell you as the wife who did become fat and I'm sure my exH would have said I was lazy, I wasn't. I was miserable in a marriage, depressed, unhappy, I had lost sense of who I was as a woman, as a wife, I felt utterly helplessly miserable. And he was the reason. He was so mentally abusive and withholding, I had no idea at the time. For me though, I did go to the gym, and I did try and it didn't work. But for him, he'd put me down. He'd say I wasn't training hard, and I wasn't eating small enough. As he'd devour an entire pizza, alone and remain a super skinny guy. LONG story short, when we divorced, I lost 75 pounds. Without even trying. Because my inner woman was no longer put down, shamed, criticized. I was desired by others, I felt pretty, and my body just started responding. I think if she's depressed, she can feel your judgement and it's not helping. If you really do love her, I'd make her feel pretty, I'd go on walks with her as "dates" so you don't put her down. I'd get her a gorgeous lingerie set. I'd make her feel loved and desirable. If that doesn't work, then that is on her. But don't underestimate the value of feeling awful, and sensing your spouse feels that way about you too.

Same thing happened to me. I was with an abusive guy and gained a ton of weight, even though I have been skinny all my life. It was like I couldnt stop eating- and it was because it was my only (and not a smart way, but at the time I was so overwhelmed) way of dealing with the stress and the constant pain and emotional attacks.

Once I got divorced I lost all the weight and have gone back to my skinny self.

Maybe DH is the problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Actions speak louder than words. Does he do the same? Is there junk food in the closet? Does he eat wing and nachos while he downs a beer watching TV or does he make a nice salad on Saturday and ask her to go for a hike? Does he go to happy hour with friend or does he come home to help with the children?

Is he willing to go for a walk with her 3 days a week to help her be motivated and build their relationship or does he judge her, buy her yoga clothes and a gym membership and call it a day.

Lots of people can pay lip service to a problem and throw money at it but how many are actually vested in being part of the solution.

Do you have ANY suggestions for OP's wife or are you putting the entire solution on him. If she isn't motivated to do the work, then nothing is going to happen. It's very telling that you seem to blame OP for everything. Are you in the same situation as his DW? Seems like it.

No. But I would not compare anybody to me. I am in shape, the 75% breadwinner and do most of the kids stuff, support my H in his career but that is just the positive side of ADHD. The truth is, my H would never have the career he wanted without me, without my support, without my sacrifices. Um, yea that is what a team does. That is how I structure my family, like a team.

Everybody is all in 100% ... everybody. Not 50%/50%.

If you want something you have to actively achieve it. I understand if people can't rise to my level. But if you are going to sit on your ass, eating bon bons and wonder why you are not achieving goals for your family, I don't feel sorry for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Actions speak louder than words. Does he do the same? Is there junk food in the closet? Does he eat wing and nachos while he downs a beer watching TV or does he make a nice salad on Saturday and ask her to go for a hike? Does he go to happy hour with friend or does he come home to help with the children?

Is he willing to go for a walk with her 3 days a week to help her be motivated and build their relationship or does he judge her, buy her yoga clothes and a gym membership and call it a day.

Lots of people can pay lip service to a problem and throw money at it but how many are actually vested in being part of the solution.

Do you have ANY suggestions for OP's wife or are you putting the entire solution on him. If she isn't motivated to do the work, then nothing is going to happen. It's very telling that you seem to blame OP for everything. Are you in the same situation as his DW? Seems like it.

I totally agree. This is a LONNNNNNNNNNNNNNG list of excuses.

It's the same thing you get when the subject of a low libido wife comes up. It's like a hostage situation. Husband shouldn't expect her to do a goddamn thing until all of her demands are met.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe it's not a negotiation tactic- maybe people suggest that because genuinely, it's hard to schedule time for sex or the gym when you feel inundated with all the stuff you have to do around the house? The stuff guys never really seem to think about, and just trust their wives to handle?

I didn't read the thread, but I can tell you as the wife who did become fat and I'm sure my exH would have said I was lazy, I wasn't. I was miserable in a marriage, depressed, unhappy, I had lost sense of who I was as a woman, as a wife, I felt utterly helplessly miserable. And he was the reason. He was so mentally abusive and withholding, I had no idea at the time. For me though, I did go to the gym, and I did try and it didn't work. But for him, he'd put me down. He'd say I wasn't training hard, and I wasn't eating small enough. As he'd devour an entire pizza, alone and remain a super skinny guy. LONG story short, when we divorced, I lost 75 pounds. Without even trying. Because my inner woman was no longer put down, shamed, criticized. I was desired by others, I felt pretty, and my body just started responding. I think if she's depressed, she can feel your judgement and it's not helping. If you really do love her, I'd make her feel pretty, I'd go on walks with her as "dates" so you don't put her down. I'd get her a gorgeous lingerie set. I'd make her feel loved and desirable. If that doesn't work, then that is on her. But don't underestimate the value of feeling awful, and sensing your spouse feels that way about you too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is watching the kids, cooking dinner, driving the kids around, doing homework and bedtime routine while she works out?

Oh please. I'm a single mom and work full-time and have 3 kids that I'm shuttling around 5 days a week, minimum. I can make it to the gym at least 3 days a week. More if I have a light work schedule that week.

If she has a husband and the financial means that he can afford to get her a personal trainer, surely she can find someone to watch the kids, or have them go to the gym daycare for an hour.

So your suggestion is that she hire a babysitter? Is that okay OP if she hires a babysitter at night?

Not OP, stop assuming that a DH wouldn't do all those things while she is exercising. Some of you are getting too defensive and reverting to the old, "My DH doesn't do anything around the house" line. That's getting tired.

I totally agree. He's obviously motivated to help her lose weight. Who says he can't help with those things? So tired of the 'woe is me, my husband doesn't help!' a) no reason to think OP is like that and b) you married him.

Does he help with those things? I think it is very relevant.

x2

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Actions speak louder than words. Does he do the same? Is there junk food in the closet? Does he eat wing and nachos while he downs a beer watching TV or does he make a nice salad on Saturday and ask her to go for a hike? Does he go to happy hour with friend or does he come home to help with the children?

Is he willing to go for a walk with her 3 days a week to help her be motivated and build their relationship or does he judge her, buy her yoga clothes and a gym membership and call it a day.

Lots of people can pay lip service to a problem and throw money at it but how many are actually vested in being part of the solution.

Do you have ANY suggestions for OP's wife or are you putting the entire solution on him. If she isn't motivated to do the work, then nothing is going to happen. It's very telling that you seem to blame OP for everything. Are you in the same situation as his DW? Seems like it.

Op is the one asking what can be done. People are telling him what he can do to help her. Cook and eat some tasty low carbs meals and give her 15 minutes to walk around the block. Let her sleep in one weekend morning.

She will either be responsive to his help and it'll kick her into gear. Or she'll decide that she doesn't want to deal with his help. But this whole "You are sooo Fat and Lazy!" crap is 100% counterproductive - that is no way to treat the mother of your children and the woman that you married.

Did he say he wouldn't do any of that? You're acting insane.

Ugh, no. Read what the other posters were saying. Context is important.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Actions speak louder than words. Does he do the same? Is there junk food in the closet? Does he eat wing and nachos while he downs a beer watching TV or does he make a nice salad on Saturday and ask her to go for a hike? Does he go to happy hour with friend or does he come home to help with the children?

Is he willing to go for a walk with her 3 days a week to help her be motivated and build their relationship or does he judge her, buy her yoga clothes and a gym membership and call it a day.

Lots of people can pay lip service to a problem and throw money at it but how many are actually vested in being part of the solution.

Do you have ANY suggestions for OP's wife or are you putting the entire solution on him. If she isn't motivated to do the work, then nothing is going to happen. It's very telling that you seem to blame OP for everything. Are you in the same situation as his DW? Seems like it.

Op is the one asking what can be done. People are telling him what he can do to help her. Cook and eat some tasty low carbs meals and give her 15 minutes to walk around the block. Let her sleep in one weekend morning.

She will either be responsive to his help and it'll kick her into gear. Or she'll decide that she doesn't want to deal with his help. But this whole "You are sooo Fat and Lazy!" crap is 100% counterproductive - that is no way to treat the mother of your children and the woman that you married.

Did he say he wouldn't do any of that? You're acting insane.

Exercise helps with depression. Win-win!

Anonymous wrote:

Actions speak louder than words. Does he do the same? Is there junk food in the closet? Does he eat wing and nachos while he downs a beer watching TV or does he make a nice salad on Saturday and ask her to go for a hike? Does he go to happy hour with friend or does he come home to help with the children?

Is he willing to go for a walk with her 3 days a week to help her be motivated and build their relationship or does he judge her, buy her yoga clothes and a gym membership and call it a day.

Lots of people can pay lip service to a problem and throw money at it but how many are actually vested in being part of the solution.

Do you have ANY suggestions for OP's wife or are you putting the entire solution on him. If she isn't motivated to do the work, then nothing is going to happen. It's very telling that you seem to blame OP for everything. Are you in the same situation as his DW? Seems like it.

Op is the one asking what can be done. People are telling him what he can do to help her. Cook and eat some tasty low carbs meals and give her 15 minutes to walk around the block. Let her sleep in one weekend morning.

She will either be responsive to his help and it'll kick her into gear. Or she'll decide that she doesn't want to deal with his help. But this whole "You are sooo Fat and Lazy!" crap is 100% counterproductive - that is no way to treat the mother of your children and the woman that you married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Actions speak louder than words. Does he do the same? Is there junk food in the closet? Does he eat wing and nachos while he downs a beer watching TV or does he make a nice salad on Saturday and ask her to go for a hike? Does he go to happy hour with friend or does he come home to help with the children?

Is he willing to go for a walk with her 3 days a week to help her be motivated and build their relationship or does he judge her, buy her yoga clothes and a gym membership and call it a day.

Lots of people can pay lip service to a problem and throw money at it but how many are actually vested in being part of the solution.

Do you have ANY suggestions for OP's wife or are you putting the entire solution on him. If she isn't motivated to do the work, then nothing is going to happen. It's very telling that you seem to blame OP for everything. Are you in the same situation as his DW? Seems like it.

I totally agree. This is a LONNNNNNNNNNNNNNG list of excuses.

It's the same thing you get when the subject of a low libido wife comes up. It's like a hostage situation. Husband shouldn't expect her to do a goddamn thing until all of her demands are met.

She sounds depressed.

I have always been an exercise fanatic so I don't get her--but she may be too depressed to start. Get her treatment.

Attention:: this is why you need to get your daughters into sports young. Cut the princess crap and get then into sports. Playing competitive sports from a young age led me to fitness discipline. There are so many moms I meet that weren't athletic growing up and don't even know where to begin. They also think walking on the treadmill at 3.0 will do something.