Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^What seems to be missing in your very reasonable explanation is that those in-laws whose quirky ways are difficult to understand happen to be the parents of the husband.

It is not exactly like they are strangers from no where. How do you think the wife would feel if her parents visited unexpectedly and the husband told them they were not welcome and should leave pronto?

Another PP here. Exactly. My parents live 5 minutes away and they have done some absolutely crazy sh!t - example, picking up one of the kids from school unannouced because they "wanted to take him to the park." My DH gets aggravated with them(just as I do) but he would NEVER make them feel unwelcome nor would he pressure me into making them feel unwelcome. He knows that I feel bad about some of the stuff they do and he would never make me feel worse by demanding that I take some hard line with them. He is gracious to a fault with them, even when he should not be, because of his love and respect for me (and my relationship with them.) That being said, if my IL's showed up unannounced, I would try to be as gracious as I could out of respect and love for my DH and my children. I would NEVER expect my DH to tell HIS parents that they are not welcome and, as one PP said, tell them to head to a hotel. Although DH would likely tell his OWN parents that himself because he feels that I would be stretched too thin, but I would be fine with them staying.

I am in the same situation as you are. I could not conceive of a situation where I would ask my ILs (or my parents) to leave or make them feel unwelcome.

Now, the other side of the coin, is that they are totally welcoming of me and I not only have a key to their house but also a garage door opener and so I sometimes arrive unannounced with the kids or by myself and we are welcomed. Sometimes they are not there and I leave a note for them that we visited and missed seeing them.

Family dynamics require a lot of give and take and dominant in my thinking is first, that they are family and second that given that they are getting older they may not be around for decades. It really is a mindset. Perhaps, at the back of my mind - subconsciously - I would hope that when our children have their own families, we'd feel welcome and not have barriers imposed on our ability to see them.

But here is another aspect: if we were in need they would be at our side in an instant and there is nothing they would not do for us and their grandkids - there are not a lot of people who are in that position whether because of geography or because of family closeness.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It is really good to see different perspectives on this. I'm thinking even if they thought I would have said no or push the date to a later date, they still should have asked. That's like your kid doing something they want behind your back even though they know you're going to say no. That's not allowed.

I will keep in mind that if my DH is bothered by my parents dropping in that he is allowed to get upset. I would feel more comfortable telling them not to do it again. I smiled and did not say anything to the in-laws only because I love DH.

Would it be to mean of me to say, "Well we probably won't be seeing you until July, because that's when we'll be headed back to our hometown." I have a feeling this would be passive aggressive, but I have no intentions of inviting them here until we go back there to see them. I don't know.

Yes, OP - that would be passive aggressive and it would not address the core issue. You need to be direct. You need to say that unannounced visits are unacceptable.

This happened to me last Friday. They were in town for a doctor's appointment but it ran late so they came over instead of driving back home.

My H was working, my son had a sleepover and I had plans. We just carried on. They are welcome to our house and to hang out do whatever.

I told them what our plans were for the next day.... basically a day of sports.

In the end they rested for an hour and drove back home, but if they stayed the weekend it would not have been a big deal.

Where are they staying in your house? Do you have a guest room? Was it ready for them when they got there? Right now my own guest room has wrapping paper strewn all over the bed and suitcases on the floor. I could get it together for a guest relatively quickly but if I was busy putting kids to bed, cleaning up after dinner, preparing lunches, doing laundry etc for the next day. it might take me a while to get to that guest bedroom. And food wise, well I haven't made it to Costco since the holidays plus I started on my New Year's diet so we've been having lots of health food lately. (Think green smoothies). Oh, and I started back to the gym where I'm taking some classes and we have some repair/maintenance people scheduled to come to the house...so my own time is limited, the kids are in school, dh is at work. So while it would be nice to have a surprise visit, I'm not sure that we could be very good hosts right now. A hotel closer to the attractions and maybe meeting for dinner - yes.

Anonymous wrote:Would it have made a difference if it were your own parents arriving unannounced?

It is interesting that one sees all these gripes about interfering, inconsiderate in-laws and rarely about the parents. I guess all the parents are wonderful non-interfering and considerate people!

My in-laws have never done anything like this, but they live 6 hours away. My mother, on the other hand, would try this if she thought I would be home enough to ensure the payoff of visiting. It's about setting boundaries. You've got to start early - I've been working on my mother for years, and only recently has she not done something crazy.

If my own mother spoke to me that way I would have sent her packing.

I would pretend like I didn't hear the doorbell.

First, I would assume something was seriously wrong because neither my inlaws nor my parents would ever dream of doing something like that. I would literally assume someone was dying. Even when we lived six miles down the road from my parents, they called before stopping by.

Second, I would be upset. I love having houseguests and go all out to make people feel welcome and comfortable. I change all the sheets in the guest rooms, freshen the guest bathroom, do a deep cleaning of the entire house, and cook/bake for several days. I don't mind people just stopping by for supper or to visit unannounced -that happens all the time. But overnight guests...I need a little notice.

Sorry that happened, OP. It would completely stress me out.

Tell then how happy you are they are here, it's so good to have someone to trust your 2.5 yo told do and go have a mommy's day out!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you let them stay at your house? What they did is so horribly rude. I would have used my grown up words and given them names of a few hotels.

Why do people take thus crap? You teach people how to treat you.

Calm down...some peopl are more interested in figuring out how to maintain long term friendly relationships with family members over making a huge, indignant stand.
Perhaps OP and her husband can figure out a way to say that notice is needed without trying to initate WW3.

Are you 10? All this concern about being mean. This post reads like a discussion by a bunch of kids. I'm surprised that direct communication is discouraged.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^What seems to be missing in your very reasonable explanation is that those in-laws whose quirky ways are difficult to understand happen to be the parents of the husband.

It is not exactly like they are strangers from no where. How do you think the wife would feel if her parents visited unexpectedly and the husband told them they were not welcome and should leave pronto?

Another PP here. Exactly. My parents live 5 minutes away and they have done some absolutely crazy sh!t - example, picking up one of the kids from school unannouced because they "wanted to take him to the park." My DH gets aggravated with them(just as I do) but he would NEVER make them feel unwelcome nor would he pressure me into making them feel unwelcome. He knows that I feel bad about some of the stuff they do and he would never make me feel worse by demanding that I take some hard line with them. He is gracious to a fault with them, even when he should not be, because of his love and respect for me (and my relationship with them.) That being said, if my IL's showed up unannounced, I would try to be as gracious as I could out of respect and love for my DH and my children. I would NEVER expect my DH to tell HIS parents that they are not welcome and, as one PP said, tell them to head to a hotel. Although DH would likely tell his OWN parents that himself because he feels that I would be stretched too thin, but I would be fine with them staying.

OP's ILs probalbly did not announce it because they know that OP and her DH would have said no. It was calculated on their part but there was a reason for the caluclation.

I agree that there probably was a reason for the calculation, but that doesn't mean it's a good reason. The OP and her spouse has a responsibility to making themselves people you can talk to, and who are reasonable to deal with. But no matter how reasonable you are, some people will not respect reasonable boundaries and will pull something like this in order to walk all over you. If the in-laws had been to visit in a year and there was something to suggest that the OP and her spouse were keeping them from their grandkids, maybe I could understand that. But the in-laws just came to visit last month. Plus, even if the OP and her spouse were being unreasonable in withholding the grandkids, there is very little that justifies invading someone's home unwelcome. A home should be a sanctuary for the people who live there.

I understand your position completely. I guess what I am saying is that my IL's (and my parents) would never be "unwelcome" in my home. My DH and I have done things that have not always been convenient for my IL's or my parents and they have adjusted for us. So this type of situation would only be a dealbreaker for me if it happened often. But then again, I have a very good relationship with my IL's and enjoy having them around.

But that's just it, your parents and in-laws wouldn't be unwelcome because that's not the way your family relationships are. OP's MIL openly acknowledged that she knew OP wouldn't like them showing up unexpectedly but did it anyway. Also, unannounced and uninvited houseguests being unwelcome doesn't necessarily mean you have a bad relationship overall, it can be an individual personality thing -- you love having these people over with a little time to prepare, but uninvited guests stress you out and you don't enjoy it.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It is really good to see different perspectives on this. I'm thinking even if they thought I would have said no or push the date to a later date, they still should have asked. That's like your kid doing something they want behind your back even though they know you're going to say no. That's not allowed.

I will keep in mind that if my DH is bothered by my parents dropping in that he is allowed to get upset. I would feel more comfortable telling them not to do it again. I smiled and did not say anything to the in-laws only because I love DH.

Would it be to mean of me to say, "Well we probably won't be seeing you until July, because that's when we'll be headed back to our hometown." I have a feeling this would be passive aggressive, but I have no intentions of inviting them here until we go back there to see them. I don't know.

I think you handled yourself well. I would definitely make sure DH says something to them that they can't just drop in, they have to give advance notice. I probably wouldn't say anything about not seeing them until July and just push off any request they have until later but if you really want to I think saying "Looking forward to seeing you in July" sounds better.

Anonymous wrote:What does your show say about all this? Is he ok with it?

Ugh. "show" = "dh". How does my phone not understand DH?!?!

What does your show say about all this? Is he ok with it?

OP here. It is really good to see different perspectives on this. I'm thinking even if they thought I would have said no or push the date to a later date, they still should have asked. That's like your kid doing something they want behind your back even though they know you're going to say no. That's not allowed.

I will keep in mind that if my DH is bothered by my parents dropping in that he is allowed to get upset. I would feel more comfortable telling them not to do it again. I smiled and did not say anything to the in-laws only because I love DH.

Would it be to mean of me to say, "Well we probably won't be seeing you until July, because that's when we'll be headed back to our hometown." I have a feeling this would be passive aggressive, but I have no intentions of inviting them here until we go back there to see them. I don't know.