Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I changed my name last year (divorce) so I can speak to the difficulties: there really aren't any! It cost me $60 to file the court papers, about $10.00 to put the required advertisement in the newspaper, and that was about it. The court order came through in about 6 weeks. I ordered several copies of the paperwork for my records.

You don't need a lawyer, you simply list a reason for the name change on the paperwork (know that your exact wording will be listed in the newspaper advertisement). You can just say that you are choosing a new last name for your family.

It took me only a couple months to get all my major documents changed. SS Card had to be done first, then DL, then passport. Most of the other name change requests could be done online with copies of the documents either faxed or scanned and emailed to the recipients. I still get a few things addressed to the old name, but nothing of any huge importance. Documents with your old name and your new name are both legally binding, so it's not a big deal.

Make your choice based on what you and your husband would like to do going forward -- don't worry about the logistics. That is be a small price to pay for a lifetime of happiness.

Good luck to all of you.

First name? Last name?

I was married in VA about 12 years ago and I remember thinking it was pretty surprising that I basically just needed to check a box if I wanted, as a woman, to change my name upon marriage. My husband would've had a much harder time.

I know, I know- suprising, institutional sexism in Virginia!? But still, it was so obviously sexist.

What are the rules now?

I just changed my last name. I didn't want to wait until the divorce was finalized, so I filed the paperwork after we separated. You can change first or last name (or both) the same way. It was a very basic thing to fill out and file at the courthouse. I am in MoCo and it comes under the Family Law division. I was amazed at how helpful the staff were at the county offices. I was expecting the worst but came away with a new found respect for those county workers. It is not at all like the MVA.

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't think this is ridiculous at all. I do think you and your h will have a few years of splainin to do and should come up with a good, short response. And consider changing the whole family to your maiden name.

I agree and think using your maiden name is a lovely idea. I know a couple who did the same thing. Your children are young, so it won't be a huge issue for them. Women change their names all the time. And despite what others have said, maybe it will be a cathartic moment for him that allows him to permanently move on.

Anonymous wrote:
I think it's a shame, unless your in-law is proven guilty in a criminal case and you fear professional or private repercussions.

What's in a name? Generations of family history.
You would be losing all of that accumulated identity as well, which is a cultural loss, particularly if someone in your family is into genealogy and wants to research his tree. Your husband's parents are just one minuscule blip on a huge and fascinating family history.

I admit I'm biased because genealogy is very important for me - one of my ancestors went to the first Crusade in 1096, and my family has records of their history and involvement in political and military activities since then. Obviously there have been terrible family feuds, the most recent of which involved going to court and my parents not speaking to my uncle. But feuds do not matter. The rest matters.

I hope your husband can put more thought into this.

NP, basically your entire post can be read as supporting both the "don't do it" camp but also the "do it!" camp. Because, as you've pointed out, the name goes on for generations and there is accumulated identity and culture. What you FAIL to grasp is that when that family identity, accumulated history and culture is PAINFUL or horrible, it is the most natural thing in the world to want to totally disassociate from it.

I don't know what OP's husband's family did that was so awful, but I believe her that he feels that way and he has every right to use whatever tools or methods to create distance if distance is needed. Especially if it understands that he still has to absolutely get at the roots of why he is cutting them off and deal with those, way beyond a name change.

When people make horrible choices, as OP's DH feels his family has, those who made the bad choices don't get to choose how the surviving family members heal and make their peace. Genealogy is the weakest possible reason for suggesting OP not do it. Go for it OP, if it's part of the path to healing and moving on.

It's a great idea OP. I would change it to your maiden name. That way the child still has a family name.

Anonymous wrote:I changed my name last year (divorce) so I can speak to the difficulties: there really aren't any! It cost me $60 to file the court papers, about $10.00 to put the required advertisement in the newspaper, and that was about it. The court order came through in about 6 weeks. I ordered several copies of the paperwork for my records.

You don't need a lawyer, you simply list a reason for the name change on the paperwork (know that your exact wording will be listed in the newspaper advertisement). You can just say that you are choosing a new last name for your family.

It took me only a couple months to get all my major documents changed. SS Card had to be done first, then DL, then passport. Most of the other name change requests could be done online with copies of the documents either faxed or scanned and emailed to the recipients. I still get a few things addressed to the old name, but nothing of any huge importance. Documents with your old name and your new name are both legally binding, so it's not a big deal.

Make your choice based on what you and your husband would like to do going forward -- don't worry about the logistics. That is be a small price to pay for a lifetime of happiness.

Good luck to all of you.

First name? Last name?

I was married in VA about 12 years ago and I remember thinking it was pretty surprising that I basically just needed to check a box if I wanted, as a woman, to change my name upon marriage. My husband would've had a much harder time.

I know, I know- suprising, institutional sexism in Virginia!? But still, it was so obviously sexist.

What are the rules now?

Anonymous wrote:In Sweden it's not unusual for a family to change their last name to that of a relative who died. I had a friend in high school who's family did that. I think a name is a lovely way to remove yourself of someone you love and respect. A name can also remind you of someone you do not love or respect. I say go for it. Main thing is changing it legally with a judge, changing dmv and ss records, and bank records. I don't think it's really that daunting. You can change it on your email address and Facebook page, then on the Christmas card envelope next year. Not that big a deal.

Interesting. SAy more about this please.

I changed my name last year (divorce) so I can speak to the difficulties: there really aren't any! It cost me $60 to file the court papers, about $10.00 to put the required advertisement in the newspaper, and that was about it. The court order came through in about 6 weeks. I ordered several copies of the paperwork for my records.

You don't need a lawyer, you simply list a reason for the name change on the paperwork (know that your exact wording will be listed in the newspaper advertisement). You can just say that you are choosing a new last name for your family.

It took me only a couple months to get all my major documents changed. SS Card had to be done first, then DL, then passport. Most of the other name change requests could be done online with copies of the documents either faxed or scanned and emailed to the recipients. I still get a few things addressed to the old name, but nothing of any huge importance. Documents with your old name and your new name are both legally binding, so it's not a big deal.

Make your choice based on what you and your husband would like to do going forward -- don't worry about the logistics. That is be a small price to pay for a lifetime of happiness.

Good luck to all of you.

I would definitely do this if my DH felt strongly about it. I had already changed it for him when I married him, I'd change it again.

I know someone that combined husband and wife's last name to create a totally new one due to bad blood with the husband's father (long story but the father was evil).

You can change your name like media personalities do. I think you keep your legal name for legal business .. Social security/ birth certificate / medical records etc.. But at work and life you are known as "Dark Tanyon"

In Sweden it's not unusual for a family to change their last name to that of a relative who died. I had a friend in high school who's family did that. I think a name is a lovely way to remove yourself of someone you love and respect. A name can also remind you of someone you do not love or respect. I say go for it. Main thing is changing it legally with a judge, changing dmv and ss records, and bank records. I don't think it's really that daunting. You can change it on your email address and Facebook page, then on the Christmas card envelope next year. Not that big a deal.

OP, I think this is a splendid idea and not crazy at all. As for a 3 year old changing last names, there will be no problem at all with it. The 3 year old may not even remember his old name in a couple of years unless you bring it up. How many times do 3 year olds use their last name? Do it now, soon.

DH and I both kept our original family names after marriage, but he considered changing his to mine because he has a strained relationship with his very small family and I have a much stronger, positive relationship with my large extended family. That plus the fact that we both just like my family name better. He decided against changing it, though, because his adult daughter from his first marriage carries his family name, and her mother has since remarried twice and changed her name again twice, so he didn't want her to feel somehow abandoned by being the only person to keep her name. She's very traditional, though, so we expect she will take a husband's name upon marriage (as her mom has now done three times) so he may revisit the name change if/when she no longer has the name.

We gave our son my family name. But if we didn't have positive associations with my family name, it would be lovely to choose a new one that we felt fit our family better.

Good luck to you and your husband. He is strong and creative to have gotten through so much pain and be actively working on creating a better life for himself and your family.

Anonymous wrote:
I think it's a shame, unless your in-law is proven guilty in a criminal case and you fear professional or private repercussions.

What's in a name? Generations of family history.
You would be losing all of that accumulated identity as well, which is a cultural loss, particularly if someone in your family is into genealogy and wants to research his tree. Your husband's parents are just one minuscule blip on a huge and fascinating family history.

I admit I'm biased because genealogy is very important for me - one of my ancestors went to the first Crusade in 1096, and my family has records of their history and involvement in political and military activities since then. Obviously there have been terrible family feuds, the most recent of which involved going to court and my parents not speaking to my uncle. But feuds do not matter. The rest matters.

I hope your husband can put more thought into this.

I don't see how this would in any way inhibit family history or geneological research. You, presumably, can find people on your family tree who don't share your last name, can't you? OP's children will know her grandparents' last names on all sides. They don't have to share a name in order to be connected to them.

I think 3 years old is fine, really, to get used to a new name. One idea is to demote the old last name into a middle name position. But I don't think it's necessary.

OP to me, it sounds like you have made your decision and it's a good one. Good luck.

Go for it. I have two friends who did this (one male, one female) and I think it was the lifting of a psychological burden.

It's not that difficult logistics-wise, espcially with young kinds. Heck, DW changed her first name when she immigrated to the US in her 20's. Her "foreign" name is now her middle name, and she chose an anglicized version of it for her first name (before she had no middle name). Just some paperwork and that's about it.