I've decided I don't like anyone involved in this - OP, her DH, the MIL. A pox on all your houses. Good day.

I find this story incredible to believe. If you picture what OP wrote, you get cavemen and women eating with their hands and fighting for every crumb, leaving bones and grease on empty plates.

I have a feeling OP is like my brother and SIL. Come late, bring nothing and expect it all to be there when their royal asses arrive. Then have the nerve to not only want plates to bring home but if they brought anything, take that back too.

If this story were even partly true, why would anyone put up with this abuse year after year after year ? I know I wouldn't.

OP, coming from a dysfunctional family with lots of mental issues and jealousy AND with a "buffet" Christmas dinner--you have gotten some good advice from others.

If you still participate in this (and are maybe guilted into this), I would just:
(1) get the time from MIL
(2) plan to be there at least 30 minutes earlier than the time. Tell no one, except DH. Make him keep quiet.
(3)bring some additional food (like the ham, etc..)
(4) BOOM, problem solved.

MIL learns you are not reliable (and not going to be suckered in every year like she has done before) and you get to see who is there and when. Just try one year and see what happens. She is trusting you and DH to be dutiful and let her accomplish what she wants to: feeding others and shafting your DH and family. If you are going to continue to do this, play her game but better (and unpredictably.)

I would rather stay home, but realize that may not be possible for you for a host of dsyfunctional DH family reasons.

Change your outlook.

Think of it as a "visit" to Mil, not dinner at her house. Celebrate with a big dinner at your house beforehand. Consider it icing on the cake if mil has any leftovers for you upon arrival.

Oh, and bring a desset so at least you're assured of a sweek treat for you and the kids to eat (since assuming you ate an early dinner at home).

This is some b.s.
TROLLLLLLLLLLLLL

OP, this is coming from someone who has difficulty standing up for herself and I mean this with nicer intent than it comes across.

If you can't stand up for yourselves, stand up for your kids. They shouldn't be exposed to such a toxic family environment and it certainly isn't going to give them happy Christmas memories of family. If you think your kids have already notified that your family is treated as less than the rest of the family, you need to stick up for them this year and not go.

Just stop it with the idea of having dinner with these folks. Book yourself a nice dinner at a nice restaurant and then bring a pie to the IL's house to share.

This!

Don't go to her house on Christmas anymore. Just enjoy the day as a family. Make a lot of what you like.

See your ILs on a different day around the holiday. You host.

Anonymous wrote:Do they actually sit down for dinner? Is there a place for everyone at the table? Are they done with dessert by the time you get there?

If there's not a proper meal served, I don't really understand the point of going there for "Christmas dinner", when there's no actual dinner. Can you do dinner with your family? Do you travel to see these people? I'd plan for a meal elsewhere, and then like a pp suggested, just show up with a dessert to share with them.

I think for most people the focus is less the food than the sharing of the meal. I'd honestly be more pissed/disappointed that there was no actual meal than that the food was gone. Even if there was enough food for us, it would be weird to sit and eat it if everyone else had already gone ahead and eaten their food without us.

OP here. I agree! Thank you for some valuable points. FWIW, I might write an email to Mil. If it was in person, it would just be a volley of feigned ignorance, which gets old quick. So please keep the great ideas coming. I need all the help I can get. I have not yet decided if we will go, but at least I can say something. For DC's sake. I don't want them to see that the other grandchildren get treated differently. Though I think they already might

Do they actually sit down for dinner? Is there a place for everyone at the table? Are they done with dessert by the time you get there?

If there's not a proper meal served, I don't really understand the point of going there for "Christmas dinner", when there's no actual dinner. Can you do dinner with your family? Do you travel to see these people? I'd plan for a meal elsewhere, and then like a pp suggested, just show up with a dessert to share with them.

I think for most people the focus is less the food than the sharing of the meal. I'd honestly be more pissed/disappointed that there was no actual meal than that the food was gone. Even if there was enough food for us, it would be weird to sit and eat it if everyone else had already gone ahead and eaten their food without us.

Just stop it with the idea of having dinner with these folks. Book yourself a nice dinner at a nice restaurant and then bring a pie to the IL's house to share.

This. I don't think I would to arrive early and have my kids participate in the "Lord Of Flies" Christmas Dinner where people pounce on a roll.

Anonymous wrote:Just stop it with the idea of having dinner with these folks. Book yourself a nice dinner at a nice restaurant and then bring a pie to the IL's house to share.

Agreed. But I also think you shouldn't subject your kids to this environment. A therapist is going to tell your husband to cut ties with his family because they are so toxic. Why not have an enjoyable Christmas this year and just not go?

Just stop it with the idea of having dinner with these folks. Book yourself a nice dinner at a nice restaurant and then bring a pie to the IL's house to share.

Anonymous wrote:This is just bizarre that your MIL is telling you to come at a time and when you arrive dinner is over.

Do some guests spend the night so they are already there? Do some guests offer to help with the dinner so they are already there?

No, neither of these happen.

OP here. The family very much has an "every man for himself" mentality. This is an understatement. I have never seen anything like it, so understandably, I am at a loss for the next "adventure". It is a little overwhelming. And underwhelming, at the same time. I suppose I procrastinate to not deal with it, sometimes.

Perhaps I am a little at a loss for words or actions because it is hard to believe DH came from such a family. Perhaps I am in denial.

The mentality carries over, and is most evident at the dinner table. As PP mentioned, but could not believe herself, the food is in fact gone in under five minutes. There is never enough food, ever. It is just a way of life for them that they have accepted. Again, I have never seen this before (I saw his family), and it took me a number of years to make sure it was not some odd "coincidence". Many years later, it most certainly is not. It is just the way they live. Which is exactly the opposite of what I, and I reasonably presume, most people, are accustomed to. It is rather primitive behavior. Jabs at every turn, not just with food. But that is another post.

As for sticking up for myself, ITA. I do not speak up to these people often, I choose my battles. They are the least considerate people I have ever met - yet I am the bad guy for pointing it out. "How dare *I* speak up, DH would never do that "to" us." Funny. Classic mind games. I don't have a lot of time for that, frankly. So when Christmas comes around, I remember that it is not going to be all that great, if I let it be so. This year, I decided to ask for a different approach than "playing nice". As clearly, that gets me nowhere with people like this.

I am desperate for a resolution to this, as it involves my DC. Thank you to those who have been helpful. Maybe if I understood it better, I could explain it better. It is baffling to be immersed in it. Maybe I need another degree, this time in psych!