Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 23 year old son who lives far from home. I am a little confused about a few things but I guess if your son were immature that would explain them. But I definitely don't understand why you were so passive and just stood back allowing your son to behave this way.

You, as owner and head of household, need to approve all guests. After the FIRST night where his guests left a mess you should have said he couldn't have those people back since they weren't respectful of your home. Guys his age eat. A lot. That's not a big deal - it's to be expected, to be honest. I don't understand why you didn't take control though - why didn't YOU walk into the kitchen or wherever the guys were hanging out and say "Hey, you guys need to clean up this mess properly. Leaving it this way is unacceptable, and I know your parents taught you better." When your son made the dishwasher comment, your response should have been "If you acted like an adult, you would have just done it because you'd take good care of any environment you're in."

Why doesn't your son know to refill the gas he uses up in your car? In my son's seven years of driving he only didn't refill my tank ONCE, and he left me $20 with an apology note.

Your son acts this way because you've taught him, through your extreme passiveness, that it's okay to. If you want to fix this the way to do it is to call him and say "Jake, I was REALLY upset about how things went when you came home for Thanksgiving. It won't happen again. I am hesitant to even let you come home for Christmas, but if you really want to, you can as long as you follow the following rules:

1. you will clean up after yourself in a timely fashion. this means if you make a sandwich, after you finish prepping it, you will clean up the food and wipe down the counters
2. if you use up food you will replace it, leave money for it to be replaced, or put it on the shopping list (whatever works for you, OP)
3. if you want friends over you will ask for permission first
4. your friends will be respectful of this space. if they are not, they will be asked to leave immediately
5. you are responsible for cleaning up after your friends or getting them to do it.
6. you will not be allowed to use my car since you left it vulnurible to theft. perhaps in the future if i see other signs of maturity I'll reconsider this decision, but for this trip, you may not use my car.

So, still want to come?"

*OP Here*:

Thank you PP for the best response and advice so far. I agree that I have been too passive with him. He is my youngest (which is no excuse, I know).

I want to make a clarification here, he actually doesn't reside in an actual dorm, he lives in an off-campus college co-op for college students which he pays for with his student loans and scholarships.