Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHMs will get so offended if you tell them they don’t have a real job. But the second they don’t live up to their job duties, everyone rushes in to defend their laziness. Part of being a SAHM or Homemaker or whatever you want to call it is taking care of the bulk of the household responsibilities. That’s what you are home for…to take care of the kids and the house. If you cannot do this, then you are not living up to your end of the deal.

How would a SAHM feel if their husband found the job he has to be too stressful and too much work, so he’s going to switch to a job that has less benefit to the family? People would call him selfish and that he isn’t taking his family into consideration. It should be the same deal if a SAHM decides her husband needs to just deal with her inability to handle her responsibilities and nsists he accept the lowered standards.

Signed a former SAHM of 3 kids

(I work FT now, and this job is a break compared to running a household with kids. So I completely understand who much work, effort and thanklessness goes into being a SAHM…and the lack of sleep and the frustration of dealing with babies/toddlers ALL DAY LONG, with little adult interaction.)

If you truly ever were a SAH (which I doubt given the tone and substance of your post), it is nearly impossible to keep a house clean with a preschooler and a toddler. It's clean for about 15 minutes at a time before the kids pull everything out again.

In any case, cleanliness is not the real issue here. OP seemingly has no idea or insight into why his wife made a major life decision, and is apparently "afraid" to ask out it. Whether the wife has valid reasons to be a SAH or is doing a good job as a SAH is irrelevant, if things are truly as OP describes, this couple needs marriage counseling ASAP.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've asked but honestly gotten nowhere. When I press the issue I get tears and it's just too much and counter-productive because we are getting nowhere. Hence why I started therapy. I am coming to terms with the choice despite not being thrilled about it. I am just hoping it passes.

Also, OP, is it possible that your wife is depressed?

Anonymous wrote:Why are the tears such a problem for you? I cry when I talk about sensitive topics, but so what? My DH listens and cares, and it doesn't prevent us from having a real discussion.

You need marriage counseling for both of you, someone who can help you communicate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHMs will get so offended if you tell them they don’t have a real job. But the second they don’t live up to their job duties, everyone rushes in to defend their laziness. Part of being a SAHM or Homemaker or whatever you want to call it is taking care of the bulk of the household responsibilities. That’s what you are home for…to take care of the kids and the house. If you cannot do this, then you are not living up to your end of the deal.

How would a SAHM feel if their husband found the job he has to be too stressful and too much work, so he’s going to switch to a job that has less benefit to the family? People would call him selfish and that he isn’t taking his family into consideration. It should be the same deal if a SAHM decides her husband needs to just deal with her inability to handle her responsibilities and nsists he accept the lowered standards.

Signed a former SAHM of 3 kids

(I work FT now, and this job is a break compared to running a household with kids. So I completely understand who much work, effort and thanklessness goes into being a SAHM…and the lack of sleep and the frustration of dealing with babies/toddlers ALL DAY LONG, with little adult interaction.)

If you truly ever were a SAH (which I doubt given the tone and substance of your post), it is nearly impossible to keep a house clean with a preschooler and a toddler. It's clean for about 15 minutes at a time before the kids pull everything out again.

In any case, cleanliness is not the real issue here. OP seemingly has no idea or insight into why his wife made a major life decision, and is apparently "afraid" to ask out it. Whether the wife has valid reasons to be a SAH or is doing a good job as a SAH is irrelevant, if things are truly as OP describes, this couple needs marriage counseling ASAP.

Anonymous wrote:SAHMs will get so offended if you tell them they don’t have a real job. But the second they don’t live up to their job duties, everyone rushes in to defend their laziness. Part of being a SAHM or Homemaker or whatever you want to call it is taking care of the bulk of the household responsibilities. That’s what you are home for…to take care of the kids and the house. If you cannot do this, then you are not living up to your end of the deal.

How would a SAHM feel if their husband found the job he has to be too stressful and too much work, so he’s going to switch to a job that has less benefit to the family? People would call him selfish and that he isn’t taking his family into consideration. It should be the same deal if a SAHM decides her husband needs to just deal with her inability to handle her responsibilities and nsists he accept the lowered standards.

Signed a former SAHM of 3 kids

(I work FT now, and this job is a break compared to running a household with kids. So I completely understand who much work, effort and thanklessness goes into being a SAHM…and the lack of sleep and the frustration of dealing with babies/toddlers ALL DAY LONG, with little adult interaction.)

Anonymous wrote:
I second this. Are you willing to take on daycare drop-offs/pick ups and getting kids ready in the morning? How much cooking, cleaning and laundry will be on your plate if she goes back to work? How about grocery shopping and taking kid's to pediatrician appointments? She clearly felt the juggle wasn't working before, and it may just be because she was doing most of these tasks.

It's not really fair to say that you had an expectation that she would continue to work unless you also have a proven track record with helping with all of the non-paid household work. Perhaps she feels she has no choice but to stay at home because you don't help out as much with this stuff as you said you woud

Anonymous wrote:SAHMs will get so offended if you tell them they don’t have a real job. But the second they don’t live up to their job duties, everyone rushes in to defend their laziness. Part of being a SAHM or Homemaker or whatever you want to call it is taking care of the bulk of the household responsibilities. That’s what you are home for…to take care of the kids and the house. If you cannot do this, then you are not living up to your end of the deal.

How would a SAHM feel if their husband found the job he has to be too stressful and too much work, so he’s going to switch to a job that has less benefit to the family? People would call him selfish and that he isn’t taking his family into consideration. It should be the same deal if a SAHM decides her husband needs to just deal with her inability to handle her responsibilities and insists he accept the lowered standards.

Signed a former SAHM of 3 kids

(I work FT now, and this job is a break compared to running a household with kids. So I completely understand who much work, effort and thanklessness goes into being a SAHM…and the lack of sleep and the frustration of dealing with babies/toddlers ALL DAY LONG, with little adult interaction.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. A lot of it is that my DW made a lot of decisions in a very passive way without my input. She stopped job hunting after leaving a job she didn't like. She just felt it was impossible to get hired pregnant. And with daycare cost, it was a wash. So, she just made the decision to stop working or looking and that was that. There are jobs she'd be qualified for but she just isn't willing to do the work to hustle for them like she used to.

But I really liked our daycare. Our older thrived and our younger one really would benefit from being in a more structured environment. I actually would have been happier taking a small loss and having the kids go because our time together would be quality time and our time apart would be spent furthering ourselves professionally as adults. And truthfully, the wear and tear on home would be so much less because we'd all be gone for large parts of the day. I can tell you right now the house is a mess and will be until this weekend when I will spend it doing a deep cleaning.

I just think that the decision was a bad one and when I try to bring it up, I get tears, demands that she needs a break and wants to just be a mom as her job (I just point our being a parent isn't a job so much as a role in a family. You don't stop being a mom just because you work). Financially, it's stupid for us to not both be working. We aren't saving for retirement beyond my 401k and we aren't saving for the kids' college or anything beyond a few months of emergency saving. That stresses me out.

I actually started therapy to deal with my resentment. It helped but the therapist mentioned that this might just be a phase. So I wanted to see if anyone else went through this...

Dude, look what you just wrote. If your wife worked, her salary would go to paying daycare costs. If your wife doesn't work, you don't have to pay for daycare. If it is a true wash and what comes in goes immediately out, how can you fault your wife for being a SAHM mom if she is not interested in, as she may look at it, working for free? If this statement is true, then you're the breadwinner anyway whether she works or not because her role - whether working to pay for daycare or not working to not have to pay for daycare - has nothing to do with how much money you as a family have each month.

You may not think that a SAHM is sexy, but I'd loooove to see how sexy you think your wife is when she is working 40 hours a week, doing childcare at nights and weekends, and has even less time to cook and clean for you.

First of all, daycare is an expense counted against BOTH parents' salaries. Not hers, not his, BOTH. So it's not "her" salary paying daycare costs; it is the household income paying those costs.

Second: Working is about more than today's take-home pay. It is about retirement benefits, healthcare, an investment in one's career (which pays off in higher earnings as time goes by). The list goes on. And daycare is a short-term proposition, relative to one's career. Yes, it is expensive and eats into income - we were in the red for several years when we had both a nanny and part-time preschool - but that is only for a few years. In the longer run, that becomes negligible vis-a-vis the income that a parent who continues to work earns compared to what s/he would have earned had s/he left the workforce.

Actually, he said her salary = daycare expenses. So there you go.

OP's wife has made it clear she doesn't value investing in her career. So for her working is probably going to be just about money. Which will pay for daycare. Which they wouldn't have to pay for if she was a SAHM. OP is looking at this as a $ thing and he dislikes the options that she makes $ and they spend it on childcare and net at $0 or she doesn't work and they don't pay for childcare and they net at $0.

Have you thought about marriage counseling? Because there is definitely more to it than that, and you need to understand where she is coming from.

Don't know your ages or how long it took to have children. They grow up so quickly. By early elementary, they are more into their friends than parents. She may just want to spend time with the kids while they still think she is the center of the universe.