Anonymous wrote:Fear of stigma is far worse than actual stigma because it keeps parents from giving their children what they need. This is not directed at OP, who didn't raise the issue of stigma. But I have seen parents make terrible mistakes because of some overblown fear that sending their child to a school that can actually support their needs will somehow harm them.

No one ever said that sending a SN child to a mainstream school is disrespectful of SN schools. I send my ASD child to a mainstream school. It was the way OP talked about SN schools, not her goal, that rubbed some of us the wrong way. 12:06 raises good points but notice that in seeming to agree with OP, she does not use any of OP's denigrating language.

McLean and Commonwealth are hybrid schools. I am more familiar with McLean. It is a mainstream school and sends kids to good colleges but it goes farther in accommodating SN than other mainstream schools and it is very aware of social language disabilities.

NP here. I knew this about McLean, but not about Commonwealth. Does it also have a mix of kids with and without learning differences? Can it work with kids who need social support as well?

The point of this board is not to parse people's words when they are trying to defend themselves in the search for information. Accuse her of rushing her typing or not being eloquent but if you know any parents of SN children, you know the intent is not to denigrate. Trust me, we get that enough from
People who don't understand our world.

Fear of stigma is far worse than actual stigma because it keeps parents from giving their children what they need. This is not directed at OP, who didn't raise the issue of stigma. But I have seen parents make terrible mistakes because of some overblown fear that sending their child to a school that can actually support their needs will somehow harm them.

No one ever said that sending a SN child to a mainstream school is disrespectful of SN schools. I send my ASD child to a mainstream school. It was the way OP talked about SN schools, not her goal, that rubbed some of us the wrong way. 12:06 raises good points but notice that in seeming to agree with OP, she does not use any of OP's denigrating language.

McLean and Commonwealth are hybrid schools. I am more familiar with McLean. It is a mainstream school and sends kids to good colleges but it goes farther in accommodating SN than other mainstream schools and it is very aware of social language disabilities.

12:06 Thank you!

For what it is worth OP I did not find your original question phrasing offensive or insensitive. The responses included a few accusatory posts -- questioning things ranging from your diagnosis to your characterizations of SN schools kids -- and it was only in response to those that you used a few phrases that set people off. I understand how that can happen. FWIW:

Though it's no fun to be hit with these accusations in response, don't bother trying to explain yourself to every hostile poster, though every now and then you might just need to redirect the discussion back to your original goal which is to locate schools that be a good match for your child. It's impossible to satisfy everyone here as to your motives and your open-mindedness. Just focus on getting information.

Depending on your child's particular profile it's easy to see why you are thinking as you do. A parent's perfect fantasy is to have one's child somewhere near the middle of a class when it comes to a range of aptitudes. When it comes to social thinking, it's nice to have more advanced peers to learn from but you don't want have your child unable to keep up. Most parents want to avoid situations in which their child is way ahead of all their peers socially, or way behind. For some kids, it is very tough to find that environment, as schools tend to focus either on the kids needing the most intensive supports, or they don't provide them at all.

I suspect we were once in shoes similar to yours. We went both the SN route and the mainstream route. I don't want to give more details than that because this is not about us. But I know the trade-off you are talking about -- you want both adequate social services as well as peers from whom social conventions can be learned. And one's evaluation of that balance can change by the month. We were in a situation where we chose the superior social services (SN) for a while but there did come a point where it was clear that was no longer the right fit, that the child had moved to a place where the social modeling of the peer group outweighed the value of intensive therapeutic services.

If you have concluded after looking at SN schools that a mainstream school is right for your child, that does not (to me) suggest a lack of respect for SN kids. We ultimately reached the same conclusion (though our child did not face quite the same issues). But you do feel almost guilty about it, as though by reaching a different conclusion for your child you are somehow disrespecting those for whom the SN route is the only practical choice. But as parents you have to be hard-headed and do what's right for your kid.

Finally I would disagree with two other posters, the one that said you are "not being straight" based on your description of your child, as though a child with HFA couldn't possibly fit your description. I know that it can; HFA kids present in a lot of different ways. And the other poster who suggested an artificial dichotomy between doing what's right for your child and avoiding an SN stigma. Unfortunately IS an SN stigma even with many well-intended people, although perhaps there shouldn't be -- any parent of a kid from an SN school who has walked into a mainstream admissions office knows that firsthand. And there is nothing wrong with that being part of your calculus as you figure out what is best for your child.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I would like to add something about the very small schools suggested to you. I have experience with three of them and my kids are middle school ages, so I think it is pretty valid. (I am just noting that fact because sometimes you get anecdotes from parents with younger children at these schools...YMMV.)

To me, when you say social problems, that crosses the small schools (Field, Burke, Sheridan, Lowell) off the list. I say this because the social environment at these schools is very small. At middle school there may only be a dozen children of the same sex at the school. Using that tiny population to address social skills is problematic. First, many of the kids have been together years,so it can be hard to integrate anyhow. Second, there may only be one or two kids that your child enjoys due to the sheer lack of variety/type of kid that is there. We have found this to be the case with NT kids and SN kids alike. It is just a fishbowl.

I would personally look at schools that have bigger classes if I wanted to fix social issues.

This is a really good point. We've seen the best and worst of very small schools for my DS with an ASD. When it goes well, its a very nurturing community thats not overwhelming. But when it goes bad there is no way to escape, no way to find fresh friends. The only way is out, changing schools.

That's where measuring twice, cutting once helps. If OP is looking for social supports in middle school, she'd be better off in a small school (the right one) or SN school.

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

My kid is lovely and yes will make it through the interview. Like I said, no behavioral issues, no academic issues... Just has trouble making friends but is very eager and social and we'd prefer a middle school environment that could support this without a classroom full of quirky kids.


OP, I think you are not being straight with us. Otherwise, there is nothing in the above description that would make anyone diagnose your child as autistic. So either tell us the truth, or go ahead and apply to any private school.

--parent of a child with autism

They have made autism a very broad diagnosis so it can look very different depending on the child. We have a diagnosis. It makes no sense to me but it does to the doc who spend that 15 minutes with him. I do not see what is wrong with quirky kids.

If this is the case, then you need to go back to the doctor and get more information about why he gave the diagnosis.(Also, there must be a reason you went to this doctor in the first place...I think there are some details you are leaving out).

Thanks. I stopped caring long ago as he is the only way to get speech therapy paid for. He is not interested in what we have to saw, nor the school or speech pathologist. we have to go to who our insurance tells us to, good or bad. The autism label pays for services. But, I get where op is coming from as my child is doing much better in a regular classroom than he was last year in a special needs preschool. The difference is huge but it also could be a growth thing too.

Anonymous wrote: I would like to add something about the very small schools suggested to you. I have experience with three of them and my kids are middle school ages, so I think it is pretty valid. (I am just noting that fact because sometimes you get anecdotes from parents with younger children at these schools...YMMV.)

To me, when you say social problems, that crosses the small schools (Field, Burke, Sheridan, Lowell) off the list. I say this because the social environment at these schools is very small. At middle school there may only be a dozen children of the same sex at the school. Using that tiny population to address social skills is problematic. First, many of the kids have been together years,so it can be hard to integrate anyhow. Second, there may only be one or two kids that your child enjoys due to the sheer lack of variety/type of kid that is there. We have found this to be the case with NT kids and SN kids alike. It is just a fishbowl.

I would personally look at schools that have bigger classes if I wanted to fix social issues.

This is a really good point. We've seen the best and worst of very small schools for my DS with an ASD. When it goes well, its a very nurturing community thats not overwhelming. But when it goes bad there is no way to escape, no way to find fresh friends. The only way is out, changing schools.

Anonymous wrote:My kid is lovely and yes will make it through the interview. Like I said, no behavioral issues, no academic issues... Just has trouble making friends but is very eager and social and we'd prefer a middle school environment that could support this without a classroom full of quirky kids.

Wow, I get you want inclusion but having a SN sib, I am offended by your quirky kids comment.

Wow! Is this where you come to take out your frustration? Look inward 10:18.

OP, I see where your kid gets her social awkwardness from.

Anonymous wrote:

My kid is lovely and yes will make it through the interview. Like I said, no behavioral issues, no academic issues... Just has trouble making friends but is very eager and social and we'd prefer a middle school environment that could support this without a classroom full of quirky kids.


OP, I think you are not being straight with us. Otherwise, there is nothing in the above description that would make anyone diagnose your child as autistic. So either tell us the truth, or go ahead and apply to any private school.

--parent of a child with autism

They have made autism a very broad diagnosis so it can look very different depending on the child. We have a diagnosis. It makes no sense to me but it does to the doc who spend that 15 minutes with him. I do not see what is wrong with quirky kids.

If this is the case, then you need to go back to the doctor and get more information about why he gave the diagnosis.(Also, there must be a reason you went to this doctor in the first place...I think there are some details you are leaving out).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Basically I believe in inclusive environments. My kid has a lot to offer and shouldn't be relegated to a SN school because she has this specific challenge but is otherwise a great commu ity member. You can't attack me for that. Well you can but I'm sticking to it.

This is what we mean. "My kid has a lot to offer," as if kids at SN schools don't. "Shouldn't be relegated to a SN school," as if its for the bad or lesser kids. "Otherwise a good community member," -- some of the best "community members" are kids at SN schools.

NP, +1. "Relegated"? Ouch. Basically, you seem more eager to avoid the stigma of SN schools than to find the best fit for your daughter.

Good luck.

I would like to add something about the very small schools suggested to you. I have experience with three of them and my kids are middle school ages, so I think it is pretty valid. (I am just noting that fact because sometimes you get anecdotes from parents with younger children at these schools...YMMV.)

To me, when you say social problems, that crosses the small schools (Field, Burke, Sheridan, Lowell) off the list. I say this because the social environment at these schools is very small. At middle school there may only be a dozen children of the same sex at the school. Using that tiny population to address social skills is problematic. First, many of the kids have been together years,so it can be hard to integrate anyhow. Second, there may only be one or two kids that your child enjoys due to the sheer lack of variety/type of kid that is there. We have found this to be the case with NT kids and SN kids alike. It is just a fishbowl.

I would personally look at schools that have bigger classes if I wanted to fix social issues.

Anonymous wrote:Basically I believe in inclusive environments. My kid has a lot to offer and shouldn't be relegated to a SN school because she has this specific challenge but is otherwise a great commu ity member. You can't attack me for that. Well you can but I'm sticking to it.

This is what we mean. "My kid has a lot to offer," as if kids at SN schools don't. "Shouldn't be relegated to a SN school," as if its for the bad or lesser kids. "Otherwise a good community member," -- some of the best "community members" are kids at SN schools.