Anonymous
Post 12/08/2023 10:50     Subject: Having a Sibling is Overrated
Anonymous wrote:Having a sibling is overrated. We couldn't have a second due to infertility and I was DEVASTATED. Both because I wanted that child so badly, and because I grieved the relationship my child wouldn't have the opportunity to have. But you know, she's a teenager now and is clear that she loves our family structure, does not want a sibling, and wants to have one child of her own. She's old enough to know what having a sibling means, positive and negative, and prefers her family the way it is. It's been humbling to watch her grow in her perspectives and to learn from her. She has lifelong friends, cousins, one of which is also an only child, and a (hopefully) future spouse. We've planned for the future and while she won't have anyone to help (besides her spouse and her own network), she also won't have the conflicts with siblings that we've seen come up so many times already. Plus she'll have all of our inheritance once we go.

Life is what you make of it, and it feels like hubris to think that we as parents can plan our children's future and relationships with so much certainty.


Do you think your child is saying any of this to make you feel better? It sounds like you are getting a lot of validation from her comments on this topic and that’s probably reinforcing her commentary. And how can she say that she’s happier without than with a sibling? How can you say that? There’s not some randomized control trial occurring elsewhere. The truth is you have no idea how happy or unhappy you would be. I’m glad you’ve found peace with a difficult and unfair situation but I would be concerned if my child was laying the one child thing on so thick. It feels like it’s about her trying to please you. Would you be hurt if she had more than one child? It sounds like you would be.
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2023 11:48     Subject: Having a Sibling is Overrated
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
As an only child, I am so happy to have two children who get along so well (boy and girl, 5 years apart).

Remember, OP, that as parents we have some control over how our children interact. We can model healthy communication and boundaries and intervene when necessary. You are looking at this from the perspective of a powerless child.

I don't know of anyone who has had extra children because they were "supposed" to. Seems a pretty big financial, physical and emotional effort if you don't have an urge to love another child, no?


A new poster here. I just want to address the bolded, because my mother tried to hard to manipulate the relationship between my brother and I while we were growing up. She viewed him as the golden child, and I was constantly told how great a brother I had, how lucky I was to have him as a brother. He of course, used this to his advantage and my mother always took his side by punishing me any time we fought. By the time we were teens we beat the shit out of each other any time we were home alone. We both had to put up huge walls and really distance ourselves from our parents in order to forge any type of sibling relationship.

So I caution you: don't use that control so much. Now my mother has two grown adult children who DO get along, just like she claims she always wanted, but almost no relationship with us.



Our mother did the same thing. We both developed anxiety as a result of our mother's undiagnosed mental disorders, which are now medicated (thank God). She's manipulative.

The parents play a big role in how well siblings get along. One of my siblings was angry, ran away from home, etc. They scream and snap at people, bully people, demand things, feel entitled. They can also be smart, kind, generous. You never know what you'll get on any given day. It's exhausting.

Anonymous
Post 12/07/2023 11:47     Subject: Having a Sibling is Overrated
Having a sibling is overrated. We couldn't have a second due to infertility and I was DEVASTATED. Both because I wanted that child so badly, and because I grieved the relationship my child wouldn't have the opportunity to have. But you know, she's a teenager now and is clear that she loves our family structure, does not want a sibling, and wants to have one child of her own. She's old enough to know what having a sibling means, positive and negative, and prefers her family the way it is. It's been humbling to watch her grow in her perspectives and to learn from her. She has lifelong friends, cousins, one of which is also an only child, and a (hopefully) future spouse. We've planned for the future and while she won't have anyone to help (besides her spouse and her own network), she also won't have the conflicts with siblings that we've seen come up so many times already. Plus she'll have all of our inheritance once we go.

Life is what you make of it, and it feels like hubris to think that we as parents can plan our children's future and relationships with so much certainty.
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2023 11:38     Subject: Having a Sibling is Overrated
Anonymous wrote:On one hand, I absolutely agree with OP that you can’t predict a sibling relationship and parents should only have multiple kids if they genuinely want to raise multiple kids.

I disagree with OP that sibling relationships are overrated/bad in general. My sisters are some of the most important people in my life and the good relationship we have probably informed my decision to have two kids much as OP’s bad relationship with their sibs informed their decision to have only one child. That’s valid for both of us and hopefully OP’s kid and my kids will all grow up happy with the choices their parents made about family structures.


X100. No idea why so many on DCUM think their anonymous opinions on this topic will carry weight with anyone (are you trying to convince yourself of the rightness of your personal choices via a public forum?). Also no idea why people feel the need to say mean, judgmental things about different family structures (my guess is that people feel threatened by others’ choices and want validation that their choice was not just right for them but for everyone in every circumstance). We’re not all doctors or feds or lawyers or SAHMs and we can all agree that’s OK even good but for some reason that doesn’t hold for the number of children we have. Just like I wouldn’t become a doctor because someone online decides it was right for them, I wouldn’t only have one child because someone online decided it was right for them.
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2023 11:05     Subject: Having a Sibling is Overrated
Between DH and I we have three siblings. All over the age of 30 (the oldest is 43). None have children, so DD has no first cousins. Two of the siblings have mental health issues, live with their parents and one may never become totally self-sufficient. When FIL had major surgery, neither of them visited him in the hospital.

We are one and done. I sometimes wish DD could have siblings and cousins, but it's not in the cards due to infertility and the simple fact that DH and I don't want more kids. We would not be able to be good parents to them. Especially with the high likelihood of them having special needs (DD has some + family history).
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2023 06:52     Subject: Having a Sibling is Overrated
Anonymous wrote:I have one sibling and we are very close. Even if we weren't though, I feel that there are so many other disadvantages of being an only child. Not only do you not have a sibling, but

1. You don't have anyone in your life who has a shared history with you as a sibling would

2. You don't have anyone to help with the burden of taking care of older parents.

3. You will never be someone's aunt or uncle

4. You will never have nieces or nephews

All of those things are definates. So I am personally going to take a chance and have at least 2 kids. At least there is a decent chance that they will get along and if not, at least they will also have all of the benefits that I listed above.

My brother has no kids, and yet, I am an aunt with nieces and nephews. 3 and 4 aren't true if you marry someone with siblings who have kids.

Also, 2 is true for me, since I have a sibling who is worse than useless when it comes to caring for anyone other than themselves (which they also do badly).
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2023 06:46     Subject: Re:Having a Sibling is Overrated
Anonymous wrote:You do realize this post is nine years old. Right?


And yet some of the grossest comments were made just this week.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2023 23:04     Subject: Re:Having a Sibling is Overrated
You do realize this post is nine years old. Right?
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2023 21:44     Subject: Having a Sibling is Overrated
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am kind of surprised at how many people feel the need to contradict OP on this. I wouldn't think it's that hard to recognize that people have different experiences and no one can really predict what their kids will be like, much less what their kids' relationship will be like.


I was one of the PPs who likes my siblings. My responses are not defensive, just another perspective.

The OP gave a rather inflammatory title to her post. The posters with happy sibling relationships are simply saying, no, it's not over-rated when it's good. When it's good it's awesome. We recognize that a positive relationship is not a given for everyone, but there's no need to act like its a given that sibling relationships are always crappy, either.


No. You are rather defensive. Siblings are, indeed, overrated and not needed.


Lol, sorry you could only have 1 kid.


NP and this is a nasty comment. Sometimes I am shocked these are adults posting on this site.


+1 more worrying is that they are probably parents as well
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2023 21:30     Subject: Having a Sibling is Overrated
I am close to my brother even though he lives in Europe and I live in the US. We don’t talk every day (or even every week), but we exchange messages often, see each other twice a year when we are on holiday, but usually spend 2+ weeks together each time. He is a great person and I know I can always count on him. He is also closer (physically) to my parents whom are still young, but aging.

We aren’t best friends and never were, but we love, care and respect one another. I would take the first flight home if he needed me and he would do the same for me. Other than my husband and my parents, nobody else would do that for me.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2023 19:58     Subject: Having a Sibling is Overrated
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am kind of surprised at how many people feel the need to contradict OP on this. I wouldn't think it's that hard to recognize that people have different experiences and no one can really predict what their kids will be like, much less what their kids' relationship will be like.


I was one of the PPs who likes my siblings. My responses are not defensive, just another perspective.

The OP gave a rather inflammatory title to her post. The posters with happy sibling relationships are simply saying, no, it's not over-rated when it's good. When it's good it's awesome. We recognize that a positive relationship is not a given for everyone, but there's no need to act like its a given that sibling relationships are always crappy, either.


No. You are rather defensive. Siblings are, indeed, overrated and not needed.


Lol, sorry you could only have 1 kid.


NP and this is a nasty comment. Sometimes I am shocked these are adults posting on this site.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2023 19:09     Subject: Having a Sibling is Overrated
Imagine what would happen if your parents only had one of your useless brothers!
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2023 18:17     Subject: Having a Sibling is Overrated
Team siblings here. I live both sibs- two older brothers ( I am a younger sister). Even though they are less than two years apart and I am almost five years younger. I loved having them in my life. Still do.

One brother is as different from me in just about every aspect but still glad he is in my life. Our kids are ~ 10 years apart. In fact, one has grandchildren just 3 years younger b/c he got married right out of college, and I got married 15 years after college.

Like any other relationship, it is what you make of it.

Anonymous
Post 12/06/2023 18:10     Subject: Having a Sibling is Overrated
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am kind of surprised at how many people feel the need to contradict OP on this. I wouldn't think it's that hard to recognize that people have different experiences and no one can really predict what their kids will be like, much less what their kids' relationship will be like.


I was one of the PPs who likes my siblings. My responses are not defensive, just another perspective.

The OP gave a rather inflammatory title to her post. The posters with happy sibling relationships are simply saying, no, it's not over-rated when it's good. When it's good it's awesome. We recognize that a positive relationship is not a given for everyone, but there's no need to act like its a given that sibling relationships are always crappy, either.


No. You are rather defensive. Siblings are, indeed, overrated and not needed.


Lol, sorry you could only have 1 kid.


I guarantee the person who wrote that siblings are overrated are not themselves only children.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2023 17:41     Subject: Having a Sibling is Overrated
On one hand, I absolutely agree with OP that you can’t predict a sibling relationship and parents should only have multiple kids if they genuinely want to raise multiple kids.

I disagree with OP that sibling relationships are overrated/bad in general. My sisters are some of the most important people in my life and the good relationship we have probably informed my decision to have two kids much as OP’s bad relationship with their sibs informed their decision to have only one child. That’s valid for both of us and hopefully OP’s kid and my kids will all grow up happy with the choices their parents made about family structures.