We are very different. I was taught to accept and embrace differences in people; and do not understand people who are so set in their ways, that everyone would ever be expected to be just like them. Apparently with MIL, it is either her way, or the highway. That strikes me as the wrong approach - especially for a grown adult whose family is growing in size.

I like to embrace people's differences. But "miserable", to me, is not something I am able to embrace. Nor is "abusive", which everyone (who) knows MIL (and certain siblings with her disposition) was to DH.

If you were raised to embrace differences, why aren't you accepting her for who she chooses to be? It doesn't matter if you think it right or wrong. It's her choice and you need to respect. She has clearly communicated to you that she's not interested in your gifts, your DH, you or your kids. Why can't you let it go? Why do you keep pursing this? And, she abused your DH? Get your ass to therapy and figure out what the fuck is wrong with you!

size= size/number.

Op here. The store is actually the PX - which I know nothing about. This may open a few eyes about MIL and her way of life. It may contribute to her being set in her ways.

We are very different. I was taught to accept and embrace differences in people; and do not understand people who are so set in their ways, that everyone would ever be expected to be just like them. Apparently with MIL, it is either her way, or the highway. That strikes me as the wrong approach - especially for a grown adult whose family is growing in size.

I like to embrace people's differences. But "miserable", to me, is not something I am able to embrace. Nor is "abusive", which everyone (who) knows MIL (and certain siblings with her disposition) was to DH.

The MIL's who identify with my MIL may persist, but it will not make me as nasty. No apologies here.

I am simply here for positive assistance in helping with a rather negative situation. I am not bugging her about it. I can not help her, I am not professionally trained to do so.

I do wonder about those who are extremely defensive in my asking for suggestions.

Anonymous wrote:

OP, MIL actively cuts you and DH out of her life. The SILs blow you off about gifts, going out together, everything. MIL recycles gifts from your kids back to you. She lives five minutes away and sees you twice a year. She SAYS she doesn't need anything (read: doesn't want gifts from you and DH).

Rather than accept the obvious - DH's family wants to minimize ties with you guys - you keep pushing and keep pushing. You ratchet up the scale of gifts, you solicit gift suggestions from DCUM (and not as in "help me think of something simple and generic" but rather you're still looking to impress MIL, win her over, cater to her as if it would matter). You encourage DH to keep trying with his family. Why?

By hovering on the edges of DH's family's world you think you're being the good soldier maintaining the family connection. No, you don't want to admit if left up to them there would be no connection. As I said before, I think you refuse to let his rotten family "win" so you'll keep buying the thoughtful gifts and making overtures and thereby showing everyone involved what "graciousness" looks like.

You never did answer these questions. Why do you try so hard? Why do you keep pushing this relationship when your DH and your MIL have indicated that it's not important? What need of YOURS are you trying to fulfill by working so hard on this relationship? It's clearly doing something for you. Why do you try to rationalize the irrational?

The more posts OP puts up about the situation and her feelings about it, the more I agree with you. It's ironic that she touts herself as being thoughtful and generous to a fault but refuses to actually listen to her DH and in-laws.

Give a gift card that may or may not be used and get on with life.

Anonymous wrote:Gift = really nice fresh flower arrangement. If she indicates in any way that she liked it, just set up a standing order with the florist for every year. Done.

+100 I think this is the best. It has its own short life, and she can be happy throwing it away.

Anonymous wrote:Please don't stress over this. Life is too short.

+1 My DH and I buy one gift for each extended family member. He buys for his family, I buy for mine. Problem solved. If she doesn't love what we got her, I really don't care. That's what gift receipts are for.

OP, you mentioned that she shops exclusively at one store, which you do not have access to. I assume that means it is not a chain store, and does not have a website. Could you call the store and ask someone to help you pick something out? Surely they could get you pictures of a few things you might be interested in.

Then, if she doesn't like it she can easily exchange it for something else.

OP, MIL actively cuts you and DH out of her life. The SILs blow you off about gifts, going out together, everything. MIL recycles gifts from your kids back to you. She lives five minutes away and sees you twice a year. She SAYS she doesn't need anything (read: doesn't want gifts from you and DH).

Rather than accept the obvious - DH's family wants to minimize ties with you guys - you keep pushing and keep pushing. You ratchet up the scale of gifts, you solicit gift suggestions from DCUM (and not as in "help me think of something simple and generic" but rather you're still looking to impress MIL, win her over, cater to her as if it would matter). You encourage DH to keep trying with his family. Why?

By hovering on the edges of DH's family's world you think you're being the good soldier maintaining the family connection. No, you don't want to admit if left up to them there would be no connection. As I said before, I think you refuse to let his rotten family "win" so you'll keep buying the thoughtful gifts and making overtures and thereby showing everyone involved what "graciousness" looks like.

You never did answer these questions. Why do you try so hard? Why do you keep pushing this relationship when your DH and your MIL have indicated that it's not important? What need of YOURS are you trying to fulfill by working so hard on this relationship? It's clearly doing something for you. Why do you try to rationalize the irrational?

Anonymous wrote:You have a thick skin and good boundaries OP.

You are very kind, PP. I agree, though it has been years (decades) in the making; I credit MIL with that. I would rather be dead than so very miserable, when my time comes. OP here.

Anonymous wrote:Nothing.

If she asks just say in a very perky voice "every year you say are displeased with the gifts we selected so we finally took the hint and stopped buying you anything. I know how relieved you are!" turn to someone else and start talking.

OP here. I love this, because she is the MASTER of deflecting and turning around a situation to best suit herself. It is frustrating for me, as I would love nothing more than to see the good in people. Actually, I fail time and again to understand the people who insist on seeing the bad in people. A huge downfall of mine.

Nothing.

If she asks just say in a very perky voice "every year you say are displeased with the gifts we selected so we finally took the hint and stopped buying you anything. I know how relieved you are!" turn to someone else and start talking.

You have a thick skin and good boundaries OP.

Love the suggestions! ITA 12:38 - she is what most people describe as difficult; what I would describe as inappropriate. I can't help her with her issues, but she doesn't have to take them out on me. I try to approach with levity and humor - it is really no use, when someone is determined not to have joy in their life, sadly. OP here.

I have come to realize that some older women really hate and negatively react to bubbly and/or happy younger women; doubly a "personal affront" when it is glaringly obvious there is nothing in common with her.

I have certainly been taught how not to teach any future daughters in law!

It might be because you speak up that she stonewalls. More reason to keep it simple. It's good you don't get involved OP. I have a dysfunctional family as well. They are not bad people. Just people with problems. They deserve respect and kindness but you must protect yourself and act in ways that you don't get hurt feelings or more problems.

Gift = really nice fresh flower arrangement. If she indicates in any way that she liked it, just set up a standing order with the florist for every year. Done.