Anonymous wrote:

OP - you are exhausted and tired. Find a way to get more sleep. Sleep train that child. I agree that a job isn't your answer given your husband's work situation - you will end up having a job and just being more exhausted. Get more rest, and find things to do -- yes, maybe tennis and mom friends and coffee dates -- that will be fun. Raising your child is plenty meaningful enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to add that we just hired a mother's helper for several hours per week. I am planning to have her come on the days my husband travels. I think this will help and we may also increase the hours if I find it is working out well.

The friends thing is really hard for me. I did work really hard at meeting new people and trying to make mom friends, but like I said most of them were on maternity leave and have gone back to work and now have no time to get together. I continue to go to mom's groups and meet new moms, but when I try to nurture the relationship outside of the group, such as inviting moms to do a playgroup or get together for lunch, my emails are ignored. So clearly they are not interested. Our neighborhood is mainly full of old people--we chose the wrong neighborhood to buy a house in. No moms listserv and very few kids.

I feel like I'm starting to get depressed from the isolation and loneliness.

I have decided to make a few changes in the next month or so. #1: hiring the mother's helper. #2: signing up for a class with my baby--I think seeing the same people at the same time each week will perhaps facilitate making friendships a little more than the moms groups, #3: doing some professional volunteer work in my field at an organization during my husband's flex days each month. Since he works weekends he has a few random flex days each month where he is off, so I can volunteer then and work on getting some recent skills on my resume and maybe this could turn into a part-time job, #4: take a break from trying to make new mom friends. It's been exhausting, depressing, and I am sad that it hasn't resulted in any friends, and I need a break, #5: find a therapist who I can talk to about these issues.

Any other thoughts for me?

OP, I've been where you are. We moved to a new area, I was newly SAH, and I was dying to make some great mom friends. I signed up for a music class, a tumbles class, and tried really hard to cultivate relationships with moms I chatted with on the playground. Some of it worked, a little bit, but mostly I ended up either getting blown off or spending time with women I didn't actually have much in common with. Now that I'm a few years past it I look back and realize that I was thinking of it all wrong. Making friends isn't a goal-oriented process. Think of the friends you have from other parts of your life -- you didn't set out to meet them, make a plan, and then find them. It happened naturally, as a result of repeated exposure over time (usually school, work, neighbors, etc.) You are smart to sign up for a class but even then, it's only going to be one hour a week for 8 weeks or whatever, so it will take time.

The key is seeing the same people over and over. This can be as simple as having a routine of going ot the same playground at the same time every Wednesday, and sooner or later you start to see the same people. I didn't read all the posts but is there any way you can find a playgroup? That is honestly where I really started to find people I considered friends, and even then it took several months of weekly meetings. What about joining a gym (with childcare) and going to the same classes week after week? If you go to, for example, a 10 a.m. spin class, you can bet there will be mostly SAHMs there. A friend of mine made great friends through one of those stroller-exercise groups. What about joining a church or temple? They may have a mom's group or playgroup that you can become part of, and you already know you have at least one thing in common with the other moms.

To be perfectly honest, the way I really met my "group" of mom friends was when my oldest child started preschool at age 2.5. It was only a couple of mornings a week, but there was a lot of socializing out of school and it was enough contact for a few of us us to get to know each other pretty well. Even then, I think it was January or February of the school year before I was seeing any of them on a regular basis, and it wasn't until the following summer that I felt really close with any of them. BUt now it's over two years later and they are still some of my closest friends. I do Music Together with my little one and I see the earnest FTMs trying to reach out and make friends and sometimes I will exchange numbers and I really intend to get togehter, but life is crazy with two and I already have a bunch of friends to keep me busy, and that's what happens. It will happen to you too. Give it TIME.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to add that we just hired a mother's helper for several hours per week. I am planning to have her come on the days my husband travels. I think this will help and we may also increase the hours if I find it is working out well.

The friends thing is really hard for me. I did work really hard at meeting new people and trying to make mom friends, but like I said most of them were on maternity leave and have gone back to work and now have no time to get together. I continue to go to mom's groups and meet new moms, but when I try to nurture the relationship outside of the group, such as inviting moms to do a playgroup or get together for lunch, my emails are ignored. So clearly they are not interested. Our neighborhood is mainly full of old people--we chose the wrong neighborhood to buy a house in. No moms listserv and very few kids.

I feel like I'm starting to get depressed from the isolation and loneliness.

I have decided to make a few changes in the next month or so. #1: hiring the mother's helper. #2: signing up for a class with my baby--I think seeing the same people at the same time each week will perhaps facilitate making friendships a little more than the moms groups, #3: doing some professional volunteer work in my field at an organization during my husband's flex days each month. Since he works weekends he has a few random flex days each month where he is off, so I can volunteer then and work on getting some recent skills on my resume and maybe this could turn into a part-time job, #4: take a break from trying to make new mom friends. It's been exhausting, depressing, and I am sad that it hasn't resulted in any friends, and I need a break, #5: find a therapist who I can talk to about these issues.

Any other thoughts for me?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are overwhelmed taking care of one child. You are depressed and have no motivation.

You need a job.

You don't need tennis. Or mom friends. Or coffee dates. You need to do something meaningful with your life, and for many reasons, staying at home is not meaningful enough. No harm in that. Get a job. You are withering on the vine sitting at home.

OP here. But what you're saying assumes that one feels one's job is meaningful. Not all jobs are. Many jobs are boring. I did not feel that my last job/career was meaningful. I dreaded going into work every day. Many people would love to find a meaningful job but realistically they can't get one. So unless I change career fields, perhaps go back to school for another master's degree, I'm not sure that I wouldn't be withering on the vine sitting in an office.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a job. This will not make you happy long term. And encourage your spouse to get a more family friendly job once you're working. It's his child too - not just your responsibility.

She has a job. A very hard one. OP, it is a stage. It gets better

Agree with you. And who ARE these people who think getting a job is the answer, anyway? You're exhausted and bored as a SAHM? I have an idea. Get a job! That will solve it! Here's what will help: Get up at 5 a.m., pump, make bottles, pack a bag, then get yourself dressed and go fight traffic to sit in an office and deal with demanding clients/ coworkers for 9 hours, fight traffic again, race to get baby from daycare before the dreaded dollar a minute penalty kicks in, come home, start Job number 2. Cook dinner, clean house, get laundry done, wash bottles, try to find 15 minutes to see said baby and husband. And...REPEAT. Until Dead!

+1000

I was in OPs shoes and getting a job was the answer and NOTHING like you all describe. It was a miserable 2 years. Tennis and mom gossip was not for me. It was mind numbingly boing. Now with two salaries my DH was able to make a career change and is not an active partner in raising our children.

I don't know what kind od miserable lives you lead, but I hope you strike a balance one day.

I find it kind of sad that many view working as the only option to "mind numbing" boredom and hanging out with idiots in tennis whites all day. Personally, I'm fulfilled by enriching my mind, pursuing my own interests and caring for my children. If your stay-at-home years were defined by mom gossip and tennis, that says more about you and your poor choices, not about being a full-time mother.

This says everything I need to know about you and your small little world.

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand all of you people who are saying get a job, that crafting books and trips to the library are mind-numbingly boring and awful.

SOMEONE has to spend their day with a baby/child, don't they? If it isn't a parent, it's someone you're paying to do it, right? Do you think that person is mind-numbingly bored?

If you can't imagine your life having any meaning or interest without your job, you really probably shouldn't have become a parent (not talking to you, OP, talking to these other people who think the only way to be happy is to have a job while you also have kids).

And by the way, I have never been a stay at home parent, I work full time in a demanding career and bring in $200k+ annually. But the narrow-mindedness of people who think that getting a job must be the answer is really crazy. OP has a child and it doesn't make sense for her family for her to work. That is pretty clear. She can find a way to make life more interesting and fun and meaningful without getting a job and having to pretend to be superwoman, doing it all, the lion's share of the child/house work and a paying job as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a job. This will not make you happy long term. And encourage your spouse to get a more family friendly job once you're working. It's his child too - not just your responsibility.

She has a job. A very hard one. OP, it is a stage. It gets better

Agree with you. And who ARE these people who think getting a job is the answer, anyway? You're exhausted and bored as a SAHM? I have an idea. Get a job! That will solve it! Here's what will help: Get up at 5 a.m., pump, make bottles, pack a bag, then get yourself dressed and go fight traffic to sit in an office and deal with demanding clients/ coworkers for 9 hours, fight traffic again, race to get baby from daycare before the dreaded dollar a minute penalty kicks in, come home, start Job number 2. Cook dinner, clean house, get laundry done, wash bottles, try to find 15 minutes to see said baby and husband. And...REPEAT. Until Dead!

+1000

I was in OPs shoes and getting a job was the answer and NOTHING like you all describe. It was a miserable 2 years. Tennis and mom gossip was not for me. It was mind numbingly boing. Now with two salaries my DH was able to make a career change and is not an active partner in raising our children.

I don't know what kind od miserable lives you lead, but I hope you strike a balance one day.

I find it kind of sad that many view working as the only option to "mind numbing" boredom and hanging out with idiots in tennis whites all day. Personally, I'm fulfilled by enriching my mind, pursuing my own interests and caring for my children. If your stay-at-home years were defined by mom gossip and tennis, that says more about you and your poor choices, not about being a full-time mother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a job. This will not make you happy long term. And encourage your spouse to get a more family friendly job once you're working. It's his child too - not just your responsibility.

She has a job. A very hard one. OP, it is a stage. It gets better

Agree with you. And who ARE these people who think getting a job is the answer, anyway? You're exhausted and bored as a SAHM? I have an idea. Get a job! That will solve it! Here's what will help: Get up at 5 a.m., pump, make bottles, pack a bag, then get yourself dressed and go fight traffic to sit in an office and deal with demanding clients/ coworkers for 9 hours, fight traffic again, race to get baby from daycare before the dreaded dollar a minute penalty kicks in, come home, start Job number 2. Cook dinner, clean house, get laundry done, wash bottles, try to find 15 minutes to see said baby and husband. And...REPEAT. Until Dead!

+1000

I was in OPs shoes and getting a job was the answer and NOTHING like you all describe. It was a miserable 2 years. Tennis and mom gossip was not for me. It was mind numbingly boing. Now with two salaries my DH was able to make a career change and is not an active partner in raising our children.

I don't know what kind od miserable lives you lead, but I hope you strike a balance one day.

I find it kind of sad that many view working as the only option to "mind numbing" boredom and hanging out with idiots in tennis whites all day. Personally, I'm fulfilled by enriching my mind, pursuing my own interests and caring for my children. If your stay-at-home years were defined by mom gossip and tennis, that says more about you and your poor choices, not about being a full-time mother.

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM until just recently - my daughter just turned 10 months. I got a very PT (12 hours per week) job at the local library and I love it! It gets me out of the house two days a week and I'm back to having some financial freedom again. I'm hoping to go back to school for a Master's in Library Science if I continue to enjoy the position over the next few years and make a career change.