He doesn't want a divorce. He says I do, and that's why I am making all this stuff up. He says he will never leave because he knows this will work because he is going to make it work.

We haven't had sex since I found out he was going to happy hour with his secretary and dinners that he says he went to alone and sat at a bar. So that would be about 2 months.

This is the first year we didn't go on vacation, he says the money just wasn't there. Coincidence?

I am actually fine right now with the status quo. I am saving money and paying bills.
He now leaves his phone and iPad everywhere so that I can "look" at it, but the history on both is constantly cleared.

Anonymous wrote:And by do this- I mean I need to get out of this unhealthy relationship. Why doesn't he just leave?

A couple of questions: 1. Do you two have sex anymore? 2. Do you go on vacations? 3. How long has he gone without seeing his secretary? 4. If he "won't Jeopardize" your relationship, does that mean he wants you two to stay together?

Here's why: You def. need to move on from him but maybe you can get it to be mutual (much cheaper to divorce if you're in agreement about it.) I would come out and tell him you've decided you want a divorce (get your lawyer lined up first.)

If he pleads not to, then you have clout. Use it to demand terms you can live with. Perhaps write up an agreement, maybe even with a lawyer. It's not a separation agreement, it's a togetherness agreement. This is a stress-reducer because now you won't have to be two-faced, you will be honestly working on a plan. BUT, unlikely that he can keep up his end of the agreement, given his secretary, etc., SO you will have a guilt-free out. And all this can be done with no drama, even if he's a screamer, just put no screaming in the agreement.

If, instead, he doesn't balk at the idea of divorce, then you tell him he needs to leave, and hire himself a lawyer. The minute he moves out is the start of your separation period. Liquidate and split your bank account after all bills are paid.

It is time to have a better life without him, OP.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a secretary. I've never gone to happy hour with my boss although we are pretty good friends. I had a co-worker (secretary also) who went to happy hour with her boss a lot, and also went to lunch with him. She ended up pregnant by him, had the baby, and his wife of 20 years filed for divorce. I wish you good luck, but your situation does not sound good. I don't think that dynamic between boss and secretary is normal unless there is an affair.

Agree. About 15 years ago, I went to happy hour with my boss regularly. And lunch. I was young and impressionable and thought it was normal. Until we started sleeping together, and then I felt like I was in too deep and didn't know how to get out without losing my job. I wish someone had warned me that that kind of "dynamic" is not normal!

Please see a lawyer and get all the financial info you can now

I feel much more secure about myself. I am not including him in anything, not asking about his day etc. I do not argue with him or get upset. Now that I realize where this is ultimately heading, I feel a little nervous, but my concern is for my kids not him..
I certainly don't want to be with someone who would rather be with someone else.

He is likely staying to remain close with the child, the baby of the family. Best wishes and strength to you OP. You don't deserve this treatment and you will get through this tough stuff. Stay close to your children.

If he is gone emotionally and in another relationship, best you can do is to proactively protect yourself. Two mortgages and two car payments in your name and bad credit is not someone who is going to be fair or honorable. I was once you and that is the only real choice you have left. Ex hid assets and tried to shift debt to me, it is good you have a job, I did not. Focus on moving forward, I read books about spouses having affairs, midlife crises, etc, none of that matters. He is lying to you, if he confessed initially, and there was not the concerning financial manipulation, that would be different. You need to know that you cannot count on getting a fair settlement, and many lawyers are not real advocates, you need to be proactive. You can do this! Know that if he drains joint assets that there may be no consequences in court, really. Gotta look out for yourself here, consult with a financial planner, and position yourself better than you are. Judge will not care he had affair or was bad spouse or that he drained finances and retirement accounts, know too many women who learned that the hard way. Even when men violate court orders there are unlikely to be repercussions, just the way it is. Friends or kids have been taken off insurance for example. Therapy is nice but you need to focus on financial survival. He is gaslighting and that is not a good sign. Maybe in a few years he might want to fix things, who can say, but you will be well on your way to a stable life then.

Talk to a lawyer and a financial planner Monday. The Women's Center can give you names. He will try to saddle you with debt, you need to start planning to protect yourself. Secty is likely pressing him for a commitment given age of youngest child. Affair may have been going on for a while. Do not count on courts to protect you or to divide assets fairly, you need to be proactive. Financial planning matters most, you can do therapy later from a more secure place. He is setting you up is my fear, feelings are not as important as survival needs. He has accumulated debt in your name and is purposely impacting credit and devaluing assets. NOT good signs.

Anonymous wrote:Well the last 2 days have not been good. I had a panic/anxiety attack. I have never had one before so it was pretty awful and scary.
I drove myself to the doctor and am now on meds. He says it will be short term just until I get over this hump.
I guess my husband feels guilty, he hasn't gone to happy hour at all this week and went to the gym very late last night.
He is sending me sappy texts, and being really nice.. And I hate it. It feels so fake.

,

It is fake. He is waiting for you to calm down. Stay the course.

Anonymous wrote:I can't take this... It has been days since my anxiety attack. My husband is acting as if nothing has happened except that now he says I have depression/anxiety issues that he will try to help me get through.

He is so patronizing it is unbearable.

Small baby steps to the door, OP. You will get there. Things will be better on the other side.

I can't take this... It has been days since my anxiety attack. My husband is acting as if nothing has happened except that now he says I have depression/anxiety issues that he will try to help me get through.

He is so patronizing it is unbearable.

Well the last 2 days have not been good. I had a panic/anxiety attack. I have never had one before so it was pretty awful and scary.
I drove myself to the doctor and am now on meds. He says it will be short term just until I get over this hump.
I guess my husband feels guilty, he hasn't gone to happy hour at all this week and went to the gym very late last night.
He is sending me sappy texts, and being really nice.. And I hate it. It feels so fake.

,

Anonymous wrote:And by do this- I mean I need to get out of this unhealthy relationship. Why doesn't he just leave?

It would be so much more work for him to leave.

Start lining your ducks in a row. Take care of yourself, come up with a plan. Focus on your hobbies (and if you don't have any, think about what you want to do). With 2 kids out of the house and another about to leave, even with a happy marriage it would be time to build up your identity as a person and not just working mom. Now you may need to do that as a single woman. And that will be ok. It really sounds like that would be better than being married to him.

Anonymous wrote:Your posts are so sad, OP. First of all, you need to take care of yourself. Focus on your needs and those of your child. Get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, exercise as much as you can, limit sweets, caffeine and alcohol. For your mind to function well, your body has to be well.

Just ignore your DH as much as possible. I know it's difficult, but just do it. Don't include him in anything. Talk to him as little as possible. Don't bother arguing with him. Heed the pps who told you to get your finances in order. Open a PO Box at a nearby post office and open accounts in your name only, and have the statements sent there. Deposit your pay into your accounts. Start taking money out of joint accounts (your share only) and putting it into your accounts. Don't use online banking or he'll see the accounts if you share computers (or even if you don't, he can snoop). Talk to a lawyer. Don't say a word to him. It will be difficult, OP, but not nearly as difficult as the half-life you are living now, submerged in debt and beholden to a man who completely disrespects you. Start cleaning up your house to get it ready to sell. Don't tell him what you are doing, just do it bit by bit. Hire workers to come during the day and pay them in cash. Ditto housekeeper.

You'll get through this, OP. Your marriage should not be making you sick. BTW, it's not really a marriage, it's a dysfunctional co-dependent cohabitation that needs to end. Best of luck to you, OP.

This is all such good advice.

Good luck, OP!!