Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an only too. I hated it. Sure I had friends but the worst was the holidays when they were busy with their families. After college I got really worried about being alone in life. My parents weren't going to be around forever and I think I married someone who wasn't the best match so I could have kids and assure myself of having some kind of family ties to somebody after my parents passed. (I do have cousins but they are several states away and we aren't close).

pretty pathetic

says more about who you are than it does about your status

Signed,
another only child with loads of friends and only two kids

Wow, could you be more rude? I was self reflecting and I absolutely think being an only child with a limited community available influenced my choices at the time.

Anonymous wrote:My DS is an only child ( he is almost 12). He is happy, even tempered and well liked by kids and teachers. Not lonely at ALL. No, I dont worry about him having to "take care of me" because that is my job, not his.

fwiw, not all siblings like or are even kind to each other. for some, a sibling is the biggest source of conflict in their life. This is particularl true in families where the parents don't have much emotional energy or focus after work and bills, etc.. If you have trouble managing with one kid, two is not double the energy committment its the square of it.

We have two, never considered stopping with one, although we did debate for over a year having a 3rd (decided not to). And PP is right about the conflict in sibling relationships. My 10 and 11 yr olds CAN get on well but they argue a LOT. Financially I don't think 2 is that much more of a burden (but then I was SAHM during the expensive childcare years) but it a LOT more demanding emotionally, even more so if they do not have compatible personalities.

I'm still glad we had two -- I'd definitely feel our family was incomplete with just one but I think the sibling dramas would be especially hard to take if I'd had to talk myself into having #2.

I'm an only child and used to beg my parents for an older brother haha -- I guess I didn't quite understand how birth order worked when I was little!

To this day, I still wish I had a sibling. My family is very small with no cousins even. Now I am married to a nice Catholic boy with a big family.

I seriously love big families. Holidays with my side of the family usually include me, DH, and my parents -- aka lovely, but quiet. Spending time with his family entails a commotion of kids (newborn to teenagers) and lots of laughter. Growing up, I would get toys for Christmas and then have no one to play with since my friends were all busy with their families. My parents tried to make up for the lonely times by signing me up for lots of activities, letting me bring a friend along on vacation, etc. But it was still hard being an only ... especially because we moved a lot so I had to get used to being the new kid over and over without the benefit of having a sibling by my side.

If you're going to have an only, I'd recommend having a good support network (neighbors, school groups, religious organization, or the like), so your child still gets a sense of community and try not to move him around a bunch.

Anonymous wrote:It's kind of sad to read that parents don't expect anything from their kids in old age.

I sort of see your point.

Italian here - We're raised to care for our own. So when my mom begins having issues, I'll take her in. She's an only; I'm an only. And that makes it more important to me to care for her.

However, as an older mother of two, I don't want to burden my kids. So we invested in long-term healthcare. We're looking into life insurance, too. I know my kids will not abandon me. We're a close family, but it's important for me to not burden them.

And sometimes caring for a sick parent is indeed a burden. been there, done that - It's very stressful.

Anonymous wrote:I'm an only too. I hated it. Sure I had friends but the worst was the holidays when they were busy with their families. After college I got really worried about being alone in life. My parents weren't going to be around forever and I think I married someone who wasn't the best match so I could have kids and assure myself of having some kind of family ties to somebody after my parents passed. (I do have cousins but they are several states away and we aren't close).

pretty pathetic

says more about who you are than it does about your status

Signed,
another only child with loads of friends and only two kids

NP here, responding to OPs concern about the load an only child will carry in taking care of his or her parents Having BTDT, I have to say that it's difficult and challenging, but if I had had siblings who did not pitch in proportionately and in good faith and spirit that would have been much, much worse. If your parents age on about the same timeline, meaning that one parent does not sicken and/or pass away much earlier than the other, I think you have the optimum circumstance, as they will continue to support each other emotionally and that should make your leadership role (as they will need your financial guidance) easier. What I found most exhausting was that my father's illness and passing came early (at 69), and my mother lived 13 more years. The emotional burdens with that situation were at times almost unbearable, and while I didn't have siblings to weigh in, I had more than enough pressure and second guessing from the aunt/uncle/cousins contingents.

I'm an only too. I hated it. Sure I had friends but the worst was the holidays when they were busy with their families. After college I got really worried about being alone in life. My parents weren't going to be around forever and I think I married someone who wasn't the best match so I could have kids and assure myself of having some kind of family ties to somebody after my parents passed. (I do have cousins but they are several states away and we aren't close).

I was an 'only' until age 12, then got a sister. Mom went MIA for awhile in my 'tween years which was challenging (due to childcare and PPD). We weren't terribly close while in the same house. But I do have a very good relationship with her now (even though her husband is a major sleaze-douche). I didn't realize I was lonely, but I suppose that's what it was. I had neighborhood friends, which kept me entertained.

My two boys get along really well and I'm glad they have each other. I think they'll be friends as they go through life, which is a nice thing to foster.

Also, having my 2nd child was a much easier experience than the first in almost every way. We really enjoyed all the little moments knowing he'd be our last baby. It was less 'work' and more of a pleasure. Plus, we had all the gear, clothes, etc.

I was an only as well and it was lonely even though I had lots of close friends, many of whom were also onlies.

I have two girls 3.5 years apart who fight sometimes but also love eachother and love playing together. They sleep in the same room and the first thing the younger one says in the morning is her older sister's name. They went to the same summer camp and they loved being able to play together all day every day. In fact, older sister chose to be with the "little kids" most days so she could play with her younger sister.

Some people may dislike their siblings but I think, on balance, most people would prefer to have them than not have them.

On the other hand, I have friends with only one and their lives are much easier tham mine in some ways. But as my kids get older I can see that having someone to play with at home also makes my life easier as a parent.

I hated being an only child. Both as a kid and as an adult. When I was a kid I always wanted to be at friends houses. So much more fun with lots of sibling activity. As an adult I really wish I had siblings. Now that I am a parent I love having multiple kids and my kids are close.

It's kind of sad to read that parents don't expect anything from their kids in old age.

Anonymous wrote:My DS is an only child ( he is almost 12). He is happy, even tempered and well liked by kids and teachers. Not lonely at ALL. No, I dont worry about him having to "take care of me" because that is my job, not his.

fwiw, not all siblings like or are even kind to each other. for some, a sibling is the biggest source of conflict in their life. This is particularl true in families where the parents don't have much emotional energy or focus after work and bills, etc.. If you have trouble managing with one kid, two is not double the energy committment its the square of it.

OP here--sorry if I wasn't clear in my post. I won't expect my child to take care of me or my husband, and we will have savings for our needs later in life, but I just meant the day to day stuff when dealing with aging parents. I saw what my parents went through with my grandparents--although they didn't need to take care of them financially, my grandparents still needed help from time to time and then more so as their conditions deteriorated. My grandparents were especially stubborn about getting outside help and were determined to age in place so that made it more difficult for my parents. But both of my parents have a sibling and it was nice for them to have that support.

I appreciate all of your perspectives.

Nope sometimes I hate my siblings but it is comforting that I have them. The assumption that most people hate their siblings and never talk to them ever is over stated. Most people, even if they have troubled relationships, have fond memories growing up. Giving your child a sibling if you can and some people just cant is a huge gift.

My DS is an only child ( he is almost 12). He is happy, even tempered and well liked by kids and teachers. Not lonely at ALL. No, I dont worry about him having to "take care of me" because that is my job, not his.

fwiw, not all siblings like or are even kind to each other. for some, a sibling is the biggest source of conflict in their life. This is particularl true in families where the parents don't have much emotional energy or focus after work and bills, etc.. If you have trouble managing with one kid, two is not double the energy committment its the square of it.

Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.