Anonymous
09/17/2014 17:54
Subject: Re:growing up in a house with a lot of yelling
Keep the advice coming on how to tamp down the rage please. I come from a family that didn't yell too much but was perfectionist. Even at my age I still feel the pressure from them to be more attractive, more successful, smarter, etc. and given that I usually feel I am failing at those things most days with young children at home, I find this anger coming out at the kids. It's like, in my mind sometimes when I'm really tired or overwhelmed, that if only I were smarter or better or whatever, the kids wouldn't be acting out or not paying attention or whatever. So I get inappropriately angry sometimes because I feel like all of us now have to live up to my perfectionist family's impossible expectations.
Anonymous
09/09/2014 00:01
Subject: growing up in a house with a lot of yelling
thanksAnonymous wrote:Here is my experience:
I used to do what you describe. I found that a very simple phrase and routine to carry out when these situations come up works best for me. When I have rage, I cannot remember all the self help principles or higher reasoning. I am barely able to think at all. So when my DCs spill milk for example, I force myself to say, in a normal voice, "it's no big deal". I am faking it. (Or I used to be faking it. Now it is my reaction naturally when my kids come to me with a disaster they have to inform me of, or some accident happens, because it is an established habit.) After I say "its no big deal", I get to cleaning up or redirecting or whatever. If I am very upset I step away and take a quick deep breath. Then I return to the situation and force a calm face. I try to remember that I want my child to remember that I would react calmly and compassionately. I have actually retrained myself this way.
A simple phrase and procedure at the ready for when things happen.
When I used to have regular, uncontrolled rage, I wore a rubber band on my wrist. When I felt the wave of rage coming, I would snap the rubber band and change my behavior. Not "try" to change my behavior, but change it.