Anonymous wrote:I lost my brother a month ago to suicide. I was really hurt by supposedly close friends of mine who barely acknowledged his death. I didn't and won't say anything, but it has caused me more pain on top of that of losing my brother.

I say this for those people that are afraid of saying the wrong thing - please reach out to people when they lose someone. Even if it's just via card or email. All that you have to say is that you are sorry and thinking of them. It will be appreciated more than you think it will.

Sorry for your loss OP and everyone else.

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Anonymous wrote:After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people. They simply aren't capable of proper behavior. It's shameful but it's them, not me. Too bad for them.

You sound so high maintenance and a pain in the fucking ass. I feel sorry for your ILs.

Wow. You need to lash out at someone who is mourning their mother? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yes, it was extremely high maintenance and a pain in the ass of me to expect that my ILs of 15 years might actually acknowledge the death of my mother. Which, by the way, one of them still hasn't done almost 13 months later. I am so high maintenance!

Here's the thing: To YOU, that doesn't seem high maintenance at all. Me? I'm terrible at acknowledging stuff -- I have been carrying a sympathy card around for more than 6 weeks now for the family of a former colleague who died, and I just can't seem to write the darn thing and get it mailed. And if the situation were reversed, I can't imagine I'd pay attention to who acknowledged my mom's death and who didn't. Whatever acknowledgement I received, I'd feel touched, but I just wouldn't be thinking of who was out there who might acknowledge it and keeping track of whether they actually did or not. So to me, that does seem high-maintenance.

Well, I've been there and I've been through it myself so I know firsthand how it feels. I'm not the OP. I didn't get an apology from my ILs or an acknowledgment that perhaps they might have done things differently if they had a second chance.

Trust me when I say that I was floored and touched by the lovely gestures from people I know, both close friends and mere acquaintances, in the moments after my mom's death and all the way now a year later. I have been so moved by the love I felt from so many people. And honestly, any display of thoughtfulness from ANYONE was and is super appreciated. Like if you sat on that card to your work colleague's family for another 6 months and finally got around to mailing it then, I bet they'd be delighted and moved to get it at that time. They'd probably be happy to know that someone was thinking of their family member, even so many months after his death, and took the time to sit down and put pen to paper. You can write almost ANYTHING in that card and they will be grateful. It helps to hear that someone out there is thinking of you and acknowledging the loss of someone you loved. That's all. So that's why it hurts like hell when your ILs - your chosen family - never do or say anything to express their sympathies to you, at all.

Are you really, honestly saying that it would be ok with you if your ILs never ever spoke to you of your mother's death? Never said "I'm sorry" or "how are you holding up?" or "how's your dad?" - nothing? If that's true, then I'm totally wrong. But I'd be astounded if you - or anyone - would really be cool with that.

OP, reading over these responses it is clear that most of these posters have never had a death of a close family member. They seem to think it is like forgetting a thank you note for a 3 year old BD party. They are so immature that they do not even know it. Loosing your mom -- one of the worst moments ever. People who are family and can't acknowledge your loss -- something is wrong with them, or they are so selfish that they can't see past themselves. Inexcusable.

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Anonymous wrote:After a lot of counseling, I've finally decided I need to move beyond this if there is ever any hope of us having any sort of relationship moving forward. I'm not forgetting - and honestly, I'm not forgiving, either - but I need to accept that I simply cannot expect anything better out of these people. They simply aren't capable of proper behavior. It's shameful but it's them, not me. Too bad for them.

You sound so high maintenance and a pain in the fucking ass. I feel sorry for your ILs.

Wow. You need to lash out at someone who is mourning their mother? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yes, it was extremely high maintenance and a pain in the ass of me to expect that my ILs of 15 years might actually acknowledge the death of my mother. Which, by the way, one of them still hasn't done almost 13 months later. I am so high maintenance!

Here's the thing: To YOU, that doesn't seem high maintenance at all. Me? I'm terrible at acknowledging stuff -- I have been carrying a sympathy card around for more than 6 weeks now for the family of a former colleague who died, and I just can't seem to write the darn thing and get it mailed. And if the situation were reversed, I can't imagine I'd pay attention to who acknowledged my mom's death and who didn't. Whatever acknowledgement I received, I'd feel touched, but I just wouldn't be thinking of who was out there who might acknowledge it and keeping track of whether they actually did or not. So to me, that does seem high-maintenance.

Well, I've been there and I've been through it myself so I know firsthand how it feels. I'm not the OP. I didn't get an apology from my ILs or an acknowledgment that perhaps they might have done things differently if they had a second chance.

Trust me when I say that I was floored and touched by the lovely gestures from people I know, both close friends and mere acquaintances, in the moments after my mom's death and all the way now a year later. I have been so moved by the love I felt from so many people. And honestly, any display of thoughtfulness from ANYONE was and is super appreciated. Like if you sat on that card to your work colleague's family for another 6 months and finally got around to mailing it then, I bet they'd be delighted and moved to get it at that time. They'd probably be happy to know that someone was thinking of their family member, even so many months after his death, and took the time to sit down and put pen to paper. You can write almost ANYTHING in that card and they will be grateful. It helps to hear that someone out there is thinking of you and acknowledging the loss of someone you loved. That's all. So that's why it hurts like hell when your ILs - your chosen family - never do or say anything to express their sympathies to you, at all.

Are you really, honestly saying that it would be ok with you if your ILs never ever spoke to you of your mother's death? Never said "I'm sorry" or "how are you holding up?" or "how's your dad?" - nothing? If that's true, then I'm totally wrong. But I'd be astounded if you - or anyone - would really be cool with that.

Different pp here.
My FIL(that I can recall) has never said anything to me about my father's death last year. My MIL did, but i cannot recall ever having a conversation with FIL about it. It just does not bother me. I know that people handle these things very differently, sometimes it causes people to be paralyzed into inaction. Honestly, tho, I just don't expect people to do what I do. I just don't. If someone actually did something TO me, that I would take personally. But, the fact that they spent time with the woman BEFORE she died, then apologized when told that that their inaction after death was hurtful, that would mean something to me. You just cannot make people handle things the way you do -- you just cannot. You have to tell people what you want and need and go from there. But you have to be willing to extend to others the grace you would want when you don't handle the things the way THEY want. I'm sorry for your loss OP, but it really seems more about your feelings of loss than them doing something unforgivable.

Yes, it was extremely high maintenance and a pain in the ass of me to expect that my ILs of 15 years might actually acknowledge the death of my mother. Which, by the way, one of them still hasn't done almost 13 months later. I am so high maintenance!


Here's the thing: To YOU, that doesn't seem high maintenance at all. Me? I'm terrible at acknowledging stuff -- I have been carrying a sympathy card around for more than 6 weeks now for the family of a former colleague who died, and I just can't seem to write the darn thing and get it mailed. And if the situation were reversed, I can't imagine I'd pay attention to who acknowledged my mom's death and who didn't. Whatever acknowledgement I received, I'd feel touched, but I just wouldn't be thinking of who was out there who might acknowledge it and keeping track of whether they actually did or not. So to me, that does seem high-maintenance.

Well, I've been there and I've been through it myself so I know firsthand how it feels. I'm not the OP. I didn't get an apology from my ILs or an acknowledgment that perhaps they might have done things differently if they had a second chance.

Trust me when I say that I was floored and touched by the lovely gestures from people I know, both close friends and mere acquaintances, in the moments after my mom's death and all the way now a year later. I have been so moved by the love I felt from so many people. And honestly, any display of thoughtfulness from ANYONE was and is super appreciated. Like if you sat on that card to your work colleague's family for another 6 months and finally got around to mailing it then, I bet they'd be delighted and moved to get it at that time. They'd probably be happy to know that someone was thinking of their family member, even so many months after his death, and took the time to sit down and put pen to paper. You can write almost ANYTHING in that card and they will be grateful. It helps to hear that someone out there is thinking of you and acknowledging the loss of someone you loved. That's all. So that's why it hurts like hell when your ILs - your chosen family - never do or say anything to express their sympathies to you, at all.

Are you really, honestly saying that it would be ok with you if your ILs never ever spoke to you of your mother's death? Never said "I'm sorry" or "how are you holding up?" or "how's your dad?" - nothing? If that's true, then I'm totally wrong. But I'd be astounded if you - or anyone - would really be cool with that.

OP, reading over these responses it is clear that most of these posters have never had a death of a close family member. They seem to think it is like forgetting a thank you note for a 3 year old BD party. They are so immature that they do not even know it. Loosing your mom -- one of the worst moments ever. People who are family and can't acknowledge your loss -- something is wrong with them, or they are so selfish that they can't see past themselves. Inexcusable.