Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think your marriage will last much longer and you should know what your financial and legal options are going forward. You should consult a CPA and a divorce attorney, not an anonymous parent forum. I have seen this scenario play out several times and unless one spouse is willing to take over the majority of child-raising and household management so the high-earner can focus on their career and bring in the big bucks, it doesn't work. I know one hedge fund managing director that pulls in millions each year and her DH does free-lance work but the majority of his time is spent handling the children and household managment. They come from traditional Asian families but knew what would work for their nuclear family. Something has to give and if the children are not to be raised by nannies and other non-parents, it means one person doesn't get the career flexibility.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Clearly no one has thought about the fact that this isn't the relationship forum and I didn't want to get into details here. But since it seems to be a priority. We have been in a 2 year rut, we have had a trial separation, he has dated other people, we have been arguing and we have been having a very hard time romantically. However, we ultimately decided to give it our all and continue to work on things, which I'm sure many can relate is very hard. This is all while I made 40k-70k

The career I am about to begin will include 80 hour weeks, as I said before, I will have even less time to nurture our relationship, and my speciality has some of the highest divorce rates. I've been being warned by my colleagues, though mostly men, and I am thinking it is something even a woman should be prepared for.

I said divorce is a realistic outcome because it just is given the state of our marriage, his lack of ambition is not the sole source of our problems but it causes a mental block for me to think of him the way I think of a traditional marriage. I did not say I want to divorce for someone better. If anything I'm worried about being taken advantage of and wondering if he has only decided to stay because of the potential earning, if he is staying with me because of that or if he will soon want a divorce, and if either of those are the case what should I be prepared for.

As far as the relationship dynamic, yes I do value ambition and hard work, that's who I am, and that's also why my DH has been drawn to me over the years he has said it many times. I am a hard worker and don't settle for anything less. Why am I being vilified for that when he wanted the same things and received it and there isn't anything wrong with that? As I said before if 100k was what we both believed he would earn and was in the path we always discussed, I would be happy. We always knew I would make more, but to see him put the brakes on his goals, for seemingly no legitimate reason to me, I don't know what to think of it.

Constructive criticism is welcomed, but I don't think any blatant judgments are warranted.

You will be your own worst enemy, sabotaging your own family stability and your own freedom of professional hours, mobility, flexibility precisely when you need to demonstrate those attributes most to your employer to justify your new, highly compensated status within the organization. My personal theory is that you have already met a richer, more ambitious co-worker with whom you want to move on. Go ahead, do so, and in a few years get back to us with your laments about how you did not recognize the support you had, and the stability you valued, all of which made your career success much easier, until it was gone.

Go forward with the divorce. The long hours put a big starin on the relationship and if you wait you will be paying mega dollars.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Clearly no one has thought about the fact that this isn't the relationship forum and I didn't want to get into details here. But since it seems to be a priority. We have been in a 2 year rut, we have had a trial separation, he has dated other people, we have been arguing and we have been having a very hard time romantically. However, we ultimately decided to give it our all and continue to work on things, which I'm sure many can relate is very hard. This is all while I made 40k-70k

The career I am about to begin will include 80 hour weeks, as I said before, I will have even less time to nurture our relationship, and my speciality has some of the highest divorce rates. I've been being warned by my colleagues, though mostly men, and I am thinking it is something even a woman should be prepared for.

I said divorce is a realistic outcome because it just is given the state of our marriage, his lack of ambition is not the sole source of our problems but it causes a mental block for me to think of him the way I think of a traditional marriage. I did not say I want to divorce for someone better. If anything I'm worried about being taken advantage of and wondering if he has only decided to stay because of the potential earning, if he is staying with me because of that or if he will soon want a divorce, and if either of those are the case what should I be prepared for.

As far as the relationship dynamic, yes I do value ambition and hard work, that's who I am, and that's also why my DH has been drawn to me over the years he has said it many times. I am a hard worker and don't settle for anything less. Why am I being vilified for that when he wanted the same things and received it and there isn't anything wrong with that? As I said before if 100k was what we both believed he would earn and was in the path we always discussed, I would be happy. We always knew I would make more, but to see him put the brakes on his goals, for seemingly no legitimate reason to me, I don't know what to think of it.

Constructive criticism is welcomed, but I don't think any blatant judgments are warranted.

You will be your own worst enemy, sabotaging your own family stability and your own freedom of professional hours, mobility, flexibility precisely when you need to demonstrate those attributes most to your employer to justify your new, highly compensated status within the organization. My personal theory is that you have already met a richer, more ambitious co-worker with whom you want to move on. Go ahead, do so, and in a few years get back to us with your laments about how you did not recognize the support you had, and the stability you valued, all of which made your career success much easier, until it was gone.

Go forward with the divorce. The long hours put a big starin on the relationship and if you wait you will be paying mega dollars.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Clearly no one has thought about the fact that this isn't the relationship forum and I didn't want to get into details here. But since it seems to be a priority. We have been in a 2 year rut, we have had a trial separation, he has dated other people, we have been arguing and we have been having a very hard time romantically. However, we ultimately decided to give it our all and continue to work on things, which I'm sure many can relate is very hard. This is all while I made 40k-70k

The career I am about to begin will include 80 hour weeks, as I said before, I will have even less time to nurture our relationship, and my speciality has some of the highest divorce rates. I've been being warned by my colleagues, though mostly men, and I am thinking it is something even a woman should be prepared for.

I said divorce is a realistic outcome because it just is given the state of our marriage, his lack of ambition is not the sole source of our problems but it causes a mental block for me to think of him the way I think of a traditional marriage. I did not say I want to divorce for someone better. If anything I'm worried about being taken advantage of and wondering if he has only decided to stay because of the potential earning, if he is staying with me because of that or if he will soon want a divorce, and if either of those are the case what should I be prepared for.

As far as the relationship dynamic, yes I do value ambition and hard work, that's who I am, and that's also why my DH has been drawn to me over the years he has said it many times. I am a hard worker and don't settle for anything less. Why am I being vilified for that when he wanted the same things and received it and there isn't anything wrong with that? As I said before if 100k was what we both believed he would earn and was in the path we always discussed, I would be happy. We always knew I would make more, but to see him put the brakes on his goals, for seemingly no legitimate reason to me, I don't know what to think of it.

Constructive criticism is welcomed, but I don't think any blatant judgments are warranted.

I feel a lot of pressure because of my potential earnings, and he often talks about how he wants to buy XYZ for his dad, sister, niece, how he needs to support this person and that person. But the way he is going, he would be lucky to make 100k from his own salary. Is it expected for me to do these things for his family? If it was simply he is doing what he loves and it's just a lower paying career, that's one thing, but it's starting to seem like he feels he has it made and does not need to make serious career moves, or plan financially.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Clearly no one has thought about the fact that this isn't the relationship forum and I didn't want to get into details here. But since it seems to be a priority. We have been in a 2 year rut, we have had a trial separation, he has dated other people, we have been arguing and we have been having a very hard time romantically. However, we ultimately decided to give it our all and continue to work on things, which I'm sure many can relate is very hard. This is all while I made 40k-70k

The career I am about to begin will include 80 hour weeks, as I said before, I will have even less time to nurture our relationship, and my speciality has some of the highest divorce rates. I've been being warned by my colleagues, though mostly men, and I am thinking it is something even a woman should be prepared for.

I said divorce is a realistic outcome because it just is given the state of our marriage, his lack of ambition is not the sole source of our problems but it causes a mental block for me to think of him the way I think of a traditional marriage. I did not say I want to divorce for someone better. If anything I'm worried about being taken advantage of and wondering if he has only decided to stay because of the potential earning, if he is staying with me because of that or if he will soon want a divorce, and if either of those are the case what should I be prepared for.

As far as the relationship dynamic, yes I do value ambition and hard work, that's who I am, and that's also why my DH has been drawn to me over the years he has said it many times. I am a hard worker and don't settle for anything less. Why am I being vilified for that when he wanted the same things and received it and there isn't anything wrong with that? As I said before if 100k was what we both believed he would earn and was in the path we always discussed, I would be happy. We always knew I would make more, but to see him put the brakes on his goals, for seemingly no legitimate reason to me, I don't know what to think of it.

Constructive criticism is welcomed, but I don't think any blatant judgments are warranted.

Anonymous wrote:Being that the purpose of the thread was for financial advice, what my spouse would have sacrificed for school in whatever profession is not relevant. But alas most want to respond about whether I love my husband or not.

As I said before there were no outrageous sacrifices besides us choosing schools together and him giving mine a priority because there were scholarships involved. These scholarships paid through school our full COA, including childcare and my family helped in the nights when I was away because he did not adjust well to caring for infants/toddlers on his own.

I've given many details that make me identifiable.. I don't think getting into specifics makes the picture that much different, obviously many agree because they have responded with what was given.

Thanks.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why enlightenment is needed? It is irrlelavnt to the discussion. Just to satisfy your curiosity? Seems off that on an anonymous board you are that interested...