Anonymous wrote:Wife here. My DH could have written the OP. I love him. I would not want a life without him. But I don't like sex. I don't like fishing either. He goes fishing without me.

If DH had an affair and it was truly just sex, I'd be okay with it. I would just never want to know about it. Of course, in my heart I would know but I would hope he would follow a don't ask, don't tell policy. It would probably help our marriage in that he would get his desires met and I wouldn't feel pressure to do something I'm not interested in. The issue is that relationships are rarely just sex and I would have an issue if it became more than just sex.

Do you not like sex in general, or just sex with your DH? Did he know when you married him that you don't like sex (or aren't attracted to him)?

Anonymous wrote:The other alternative is to do the right thing and be honest with her. Tell her you are unhappy with being sexually out of sync, can't take it any more, and want to go outside the marriage for a sexual relationship with another similarly married discreet partner.

Those are really the only two options for someone with integrity - open the marriage, or if she's not up for that, divorce. Cheating. lying, deceit, and putting time and energy to nurture your extramarital sex life, rather than your marriage, is never really going to "help" the marriage. Chances are it will come out eventually and destroy your kids' home anyway. Ask my STBX. That's how it played out in our home.

+1 tell her your thoughts. Maybe it will light a fire under her butt, maybe she will okay the open marriage, or maybe you will divorce. She needs to know that status quo isn't an option anymore.

OP, my post may get lost here but I hope it doesn't. First, you need to decide if you are unhappy enough to want to end the marriage. You are not wrong if you say yes, sex is part of every healthy adult. Either your wife doesn't realize how unhappy you are, because you've not told her ina language that she can understand, or because she doesn't care. You haven't taken away anything she values in order to make her wake up and care. She has the house, the kids, and a husband who wants her, so why should she stop doing what she's currently doing? You need to sit her down and calmly tell her that you are at the point of a divorce if she won't willingly have sex with you. Tell her whatever you feel. Urge her to get a full physical, including her t levels checked. Low t effects women too, it just isn't openly talked about. Offer counceling, even a sex therapist. All these professions are in business for a reason. Remind her of that. If she says "But I just couldn't" or "Everything is fine, deal with it you animal!" then divorce her. If you cheat, she can and probably will get you for adultery. That's expensive in terms of the $$$ amount. It also makes you look like the bad guy "But Sally is such a lovely person, can you believe he screwed around after all she does for the kids?!" Also, if you don't divorce, the woman you want to see will fade away. She'll either work things out with her husband, or she'll divorce him and be with someone who wants a full healthy relationship, not just sex whenever you both are horny and can sneak away. This then means that the pool of women you can find will be shallow and unhealthy, i.e. women you as a healthy functioning man do not want to touch. Your kids will be fine no matter what you do. Love them, treat them well and explain to them when they ask questions, meaning you don't have to say "Your mom won't f***k me" but you can say that you felt unloved. Kids are sensitive to the temperature of a marriage. They don't need to know how often mom and dad are getting it on, and hopefully don't want to know, but they certainly know if mom and dad are in love, however they define it. Judy Blume and Beverly Cleary demonstrate this very well in all of their books. Read a couple to your kids and think about if your marriage is missing affection and love as well as sex. I'd bet you it is.

OP, if you were serious about this question, you should not have come here for advice -- come on, we all know what the DCUM line is on this issue.

I am a DH, and I think cheating can be justified in this type of case in theory; in practice, however, it often seems the easy way out if you haven't really exhausted all the alternatives. What specifically have you done to try to improve the situation?

Anonymous wrote:Be a stand-up guy - a person of integrity and character. If you have an affair, regardless of your rationalization that is will benefit both you and your wife, you will be acting selfishly. Own that, first and foremost.

Be honest with your wife. Believe me, she would rather hear now that you are contemplating finding someone else to have sex with than hearing in three years that your bunny-boiling affair partner is pregnant.

And if you think that an affair is anything less than devastating and destructive, you have no concept of reality.

+1 ... and also, your wife is still having sex with you. Not as often as you'd like, but she is. If she's not in an exclusive sexual relationship, she deserves to know that so that she can protect herself from any STD's you might bring into the bedroom.

Be a stand-up guy - a person of integrity and character. If you have an affair, regardless of your rationalization that is will benefit both you and your wife, you will be acting selfishly. Own that, first and foremost.

Be honest with your wife. Believe me, she would rather hear now that you are contemplating finding someone else to have sex with than hearing in three years that your bunny-boiling affair partner is pregnant.

And if you think that an affair is anything less than devastating and destructive, you have no concept of reality.

Anonymous wrote:If I have to tell my wife I'm going to divorce her before she'll make the effort to have sex with me, I don't want to have sex with her. That's just rapey.

To the OP - probably you've thought of this, but take a close look at birth control if she's on any. Hormones can really screw with a woman without her realizing that's what is snuffing her sex drive.

That and anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds.

If I have to tell my wife I'm going to divorce her before she'll make the effort to have sex with me, I don't want to have sex with her. That's just rapey.

To the OP - probably you've thought of this, but take a close look at birth control if she's on any. Hormones can really screw with a woman without her realizing that's what is snuffing her sex drive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Why don't you just take cheating off the table, and if she doesn't agree to an open relationship, then get a divorce?

These seems like part of the most logical answer to all of this.

1. Tell her you are not satisfied with your sex life. Ask her if she would be willing to seek help/counseling to try and increase it. If she says no, then...

2. Ask her if she would be ok with an open marriage. If she says no, then.....

3. Tell her you would like a divorce.

I stuck with my ex for many, many years in a sexless relationship because we made great parents/partners. She was my best friend. We got along great. But when it came to sex, it just fizzled out after our daughter and my ex was not willing to do anything about it. But I stayed.

Given the chance to go back, I would have done the steps I wrote above and left if I had to years ago.

Perfect plan well outlined OP. Stop looking for what you want to hear and take the best course of action for all involved. Seriously, let's those balls descend and confront her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


I just don't understand low drive people. Period. I've been horny just walking around since I was about 14, and I'm 49 now. Female. What in life is better, really?

I'd cherish you. Seriously.

Damn, wish I could let you

You can. I'm single.

But I'm not

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Another wife here. This was exactly the thought process I went through, and decided I didn't want my H having sex with me out of duty. An affair made so much sense. I became calmer because I was being desired and receiving physical pleasure and H was much less tense around me, knowing I wouldn't push him for sex more than every week or ten days.

There are seriously men out there that don't want to have sex with their wives?

What are their reasoning?

I can see if DW gained a lot of weight and isn't sexy anymore. But if DW stayed in decent shape and had a high sex drive, why the hell wouldn't a man not want to be in his DW all the time?

As a man I can't imagine not having a sex drive. That would scare me and I'd be at the Dr. quick fast.

Not every condition can be fixed. My DH used to have a healthy sex drive. It quickly tanked after our son was born. Now he's four, we had sex no more than a handful of times since then, and he has been diagnosed with MS. Little feeling down there, nervous connections underlying orgasm are damaged. Sex just doesn't happen any more. I'm constantly horny, angry and bitter that my sex life, if I want to stay in the marriage and maintain my integrity - and I do - is over. I'm 41.

And you know what, I cannot guarantee that at some point the need for sexual release will not override the good-wife, good-mother business. I am alive. I am human. What I want matters too.

Anonymous wrote:For the first time, I am sympathetic to the man in this scenario. How selfish of OP's wife to not make any effort to fix their sex life herself, or communicate better.

I really think that, whether you are a man or a woman, you should accept that sexual satisfaction is a big part of a marriage and if you aren't prepared to put in the effort to make that happen, you deserve to be cheated on.

+1

Be brutally honest with your wife - that you are contemplating divorce or affair and see no alternative.

Then get counseling. Work hard on your marriage. Give it every best chance to succeed.

If that doesn't work get a divorce.

Then, and only then, go have sex elsewhere.

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, I know this sounds like rationalization, but there is a part of me that thinks a discreet affair is kinder to my DW than pushing forward with a divorce. She is a SAHM, she says she is happy in the marriage. Isn't it better to find a way to pull this off and still be a good husband and father? Would she really want her world blown apart, have to be one of the few divorced women in the mom's club, etc. just so I can be "honest" with her? Seems like one way to look at this is a discreet affair is easier to her than it would be to me to the the "right" thing and divorce her.

Why don't you allow her the opportunity to make that decision herself?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


I just don't understand low drive people. Period. I've been horny just walking around since I was about 14, and I'm 49 now. Female. What in life is better, really?

I'd cherish you. Seriously.

Damn, wish I could let you

You can. I'm single.