Anonymous wrote:I agree strongly with the helping. I've noticed that when my MIL comes to visit or when we are all on vacation, she is always sitting, waiting to be served and catered to. A particular vacation sticks out where we rented a large OBX-type house and needed to be out of the house and have everything cleaned up in an hour. She sat on the couch and read the paper. Everyone around her was frantically doing dishes, collecting trash, making laundry piles.
And she sat there.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think there are two major components of the relationship.
1. Individual personalities of DIL and MIL.
2. The match between DIL's and MIL's expectations, background, etc.
1. When people say that there are two people in the relationship, it is true. My MIL acts like a mad woman around me. She tries to control herself during the first hour or so, but when she relaxes a bit her instincts take over and she goes nuts. I wrote a couple (very mild) stories here and always gotin response. I think NIH primate facility could write some groundbreaking papers just from observing our family during her visits. At this point, I am so traumatized by the madness, I am not interested in developing a relationship with her. I don't want to see her, I don't want to be nice to her, I won't go out of my way to please her (impossible), I don't take her interests into account anymore, I don't proactively include her in our life, when she visits I leave the house, DCs and DH visit her without me. Am I a difficult DIL? Yes, I am. However, I'd like to see someone who would stay sweet and calm in my circumstances.
2. My MIL has different understanding of what means to be a grandmother. I am annoyed by the way she plays (or actually, does not play) with my children, the way she dresses them, feeds them, etc. Was she nicer to me, I would not bat an eye - in fact I am completely fine when other ILs do things I'd do differently. However, because she is such a bully, her every move makes me cringe.
I don't know what kind of MIL I'll be when my time comes. I hope I'll have a good relationship with my son's family to compensate for the horrible one I have with my MIL. I'll try my best.
Sending love to you, kindred spirit.
Anonymous wrote:I like the PP who said that her MIL often or always sides with her instead of DH. I like they idea of MIL showing her support (not just saying she is supportive).
Anonymous wrote:I agree that the most important thing is to respect your DILs parenting style, and keep yor criticisms to yourself. Understand that just because your DIL is doing something different than you did as a parent, doesn't mean it's an attack on your parenting. Offer to help but not repeatedly if she doesn't take you up on it. Don't keep score with DIL or with DILs mom or compete with her to be the favorite grandma.
Anonymous wrote:" Just because you think your life sucked, and your husband ignored you and couldn't tolerate you (he couldn't), doesn't mean mine has to, also. My MIL getting married was a way for her to get out of middle America dustbowl hell. She resents that I am the exact opposite. What am I supposed to do, be something I'm not, to make her happy? "
Above quoted part is how I feel. My MIL is a nice lady, but I think she resents me because I've had a "charmed life" unlike her and her daughter. Unlike them, I've never really had to worry about money, outsource some housework, my DH is really involved with the childcare which FIL never was, etc. I can understand why she'd be resentful on some level, but this is my life, who I am. I can't change it and don't have to be apologetic for it.
We are very polite and civil, but she makes negative comments dircted at me sometimes which is very hurtful because she is doesn't do that to anyone else.
Anonymous wrote:If I am ever a mil I will remember what is was like to have a mother in law who sees our choices to do things differently than her as a personal affront. My husband and I love to do things together it doesn't really matter what as long as we're together. Her marriage isn't like that which is fine, but we aren't "wrong" just because we do things a different way. I cloth diaper and make my baby's food. Both things she tried and gave up so obviously I wouldn't follow through either. We are perfectly happy with one child but three is obviously the perfect number because that's how many they had! My children's lives are theirs to do what makes them happy even if it isn't what I'd choose
Anonymous wrote:I think there are two major components of the relationship.
1. Individual personalities of DIL and MIL.
2. The match between DIL's and MIL's expectations, background, etc.
1. When people say that there are two people in the relationship, it is true. My MIL acts like a mad woman around me. She tries to control herself during the first hour or so, but when she relaxes a bit her instincts take over and she goes nuts. I wrote a couple (very mild) stories here and always gotin response. I think NIH primate facility could write some groundbreaking papers just from observing our family during her visits. At this point, I am so traumatized by the madness, I am not interested in developing a relationship with her. I don't want to see her, I don't want to be nice to her, I won't go out of my way to please her (impossible), I don't take her interests into account anymore, I don't proactively include her in our life, when she visits I leave the house, DCs and DH visit her without me. Am I a difficult DIL? Yes, I am. However, I'd like to see someone who would stay sweet and calm in my circumstances.
2. My MIL has different understanding of what means to be a grandmother. I am annoyed by the way she plays (or actually, does not play) with my children, the way she dresses them, feeds them, etc. Was she nicer to me, I would not bat an eye - in fact I am completely fine when other ILs do things I'd do differently. However, because she is such a bully, her every move makes me cringe.
I don't know what kind of MIL I'll be when my time comes. I hope I'll have a good relationship with my son's family to compensate for the horrible one I have with my MIL. I'll try my best.