Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I believe that a marriage consists of an intimate emotional and physical bond between the spouses based on love, respect and commitment to a life and family that has been built up together. This is incompatible with swinging. I abhor the idea of having sex with strangers or casual acquaintances.

Swingers are extremely committed to their families and to their relationships. They are very jealous of emotional intimacy, but not physical intimacy. If you can't separate them, then swinging is not for you. Some people can, though, and for them, they can open their relationship for sex without threatening the core emotional relationship.

Polyamorous relationships involve both emotional ties and physical ties between the outside partners. I think they are much more threatening.

This is not responsive to OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude obviously wants something sexually. He has condoms and talks about "what if" scenarios (and had probably already had them). Everything about this screams sexual, but you want to ask a message board what to do.

Either divorce the fool or give what he wants so he doesn't feel the need to look elsewhere for whatever it is he wants to experience.

He probably feels age catching up with him and doesn't want to die never having experienced things.

Married woman here. I started cheating because H told me point blank he wouldn't do something pretty normal that I really want. His reason was that I never used to want it. I said that people change. He won't. So I have someone on the side who loves to give me exactly what I need. Been seeing him on and off for 9 years. No emotional attachment but fills this one particular need I have.

This. So many "monogamous" (read: basically getting everything they want) partners here who want to say the partner whose needs and desires aren't being met should just "suck it up" because "they made a promise". I'd love to know the full backstory on this; how long has hubby been expressing frustrations with the sex life? And no, I'm not asking about specific acts, I'm asking in general; there are a TON of high libido people who want nothing more than plain old vanilla missionary.

My ex-wife was shitty in bed, had very low libido and very little interest in improving it or changing it; when cajoled and badgered enough, she'd acquiesce to "get it over with" sex and the issue was frequency, variety and above all passion. She also had that "you promised monogamy and I can't handle even the idea or hint of anything else". So, I respected her wishes and divorced her and got the sex I'd been starving for. Sorry, we only get one life, I'm not wasting mine on someone who won't even try. And yes, she was different before the marriage; I married her foolishly expecting things to change; they actually did, but for the worse, not the better.

If the marriage is otherwise good, and neither of you actually wants a divorce, you might try to reframe it in terms of something like a bowling league and pursue a don't-ask-don't-tell policy.

Otherwise: as everyone else says, just go ahead and get the divorce.

Anonymous wrote:It's incredible, but true. Sadly, this is where I find myself after 15+ years of marriage. There are kids involved and I still love him, so I don't want a divorce. He says that if he enjoys sleeping with women other than me, why should that be morally condemnable? We've had a normal, average marriage so far, at least from my point of view. I told him that I need trust and emotional intimacy, and I can't have that if I know or even if I just suspect that he is sleeping with other women. This didn't seem to register, though. I don't know what to do.

I got an STD test. I started to transfer money from our joint account to my own account. If he does it again, I will leave.

Either that, or you just accept that he's a douche. My mom wishes she stayed. She married my dad knowing this. But, I wanted her to leave as a teenager. However, as an adult, I see the person she is without him, and I wish she stayed.

So sorry OP but it is time to face the music.

Your "marriage" is truly over if your husband has this terrible mindset.

It's time to leave.

You and anyone else on this planet deserve much better than this louse.

Hi OP, man here. My only suggestion is to be both clear with your husband and yourself about what you need. Men aren't good at reading mixed signals. Just simply tell your husband that while you understand his desire to sleep with other women, and you can believe him that it would be just sex to him, that to you it would break your marriage and intimacy bond and that the marriage would either end in divorce or potentially continue in an unhappy way. He can make his choices accordingly as can you.

FWIW, assuming he knew you well enough he is an idiot to throw this in your face. He should have known you would not be ok with him opening up the marriage so he should have kept it in his pants or at least attempted to discreetly cheat.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I believe that a marriage consists of an intimate emotional and physical bond between the spouses based on love, respect and commitment to a life and family that has been built up together. This is incompatible with swinging. I abhor the idea of having sex with strangers or casual acquaintances.

Swingers are extremely committed to their families and to their relationships. They are very jealous of emotional intimacy, but not physical intimacy. If you can't separate them, then swinging is not for you. Some people can, though, and for them, they can open their relationship for sex without threatening the core emotional relationship.

Polyamorous relationships involve both emotional ties and physical ties between the outside partners. I think they are much more threatening.

That's what she's saying. Swinging is not something she's willing to do. You are fine with them, she is not. She's the one in this marriage, so she gets to decide what her limits are.

You're awfully defensive. I'm offering food for thought, that's all. No one said that she had to do anything. I don't swing, BTW. I'm not that extroverted.