Anonymous
Post 07/23/2014 08:46     Subject: Re:2 bedroom condo and 8 adults/5 kids at the beach!
I would rather die. Not really kidding, that sounds like pure hell.
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2014 22:10     Subject: 2 bedroom condo and 8 adults/5 kids at the beach!
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, we are all South Asian - his family is from India. I was born in the US but am of Indian ancestry. His parents are extremely frugal and they set the tone for most gatherings.

We are all in our late 30s, early 40s. His parents are 62 and 63. The other kids are 11, 9, 9 and 6. DD is 3.

I guess I will have to drive DD around for her naps!


Same with our Turkish in laws. Adults and kids spilling out of each room and hallway, of a 2br townhouse on the sea.
Save a buck everytime and wait on the inheritance that should be being enjoyed now, real time. Instead of this joke!
Anonymous
Post 07/22/2014 21:59     Subject: Re:2 bedroom condo and 8 adults/5 kids at the beach!
OP, sounds rotten. I have no great suggestions. Can you fob your child off on DH when holy hell breaks out? You know the Colin Powell Pottery Barn line - "you break it, you buy it."
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2014 23:17     Subject: 2 bedroom condo and 8 adults/5 kids at the beach!
Anonymous wrote:I wish I was joking! OP here. I am telling you, I cannot book a room. My husband would completely lose it and so would his family. All of the daughter in laws think this is nuts but as is typical in a patriarchal, male dominated (South Asian) family, the guys are dictating terms here.

I have no idea how this will work. One room has 2 full beds and the other has a king bed. The living room has a pull out sofa. That's it. Because we are supposed to defer to the elders, I'm sure his parents will take the king bed. How everyone else gets shuffled is beyond me.

I really don't want to go! What could be a fun trip is turning into a major point of discomfort for me. I mean, why not make this enjoyable for all? Instead of being cheap? Oh that's right, that s how H's family operates.


THis attitude has got to stop; you are in the United States and need to act American. Everyone knows that means the women wear the PANTS AND the shirts in the family!\Speak up and tell them how it;s going to happen.!
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2014 14:26     Subject: 2 bedroom condo and 8 adults/5 kids at the beach!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ask your DH to spell out the sleeping arrangements. It sounds like he hasn't thought through them. Ask what he thinks you both should do when DC doesn't nap.




I don't agree with this. My DH is/was abused and taken advantage of by his family. He never learned to deal with it. DH's abusive family relies on the fact that DH will not stand up to them. They very much resent what DH has, in every way, even/especially the bitter MIL. In fact, it seems to bother them more as they get older.

Don't expect DH to spell everything out for such thoughtless cads, no matter how predictable and tiresome they are. Really, just write about it on your blog for all of your friends and family to see - "what they did AGAIN this year, as predicted!" They should really be called out on their awfulness.

I mean spell it out to his wife. Maybe as he says "Mom and Dad will sleep here, Ann and Bill will sleep here, their kids will be here, you and I will be here . . . oh wait - where will Mary and Charlie go?" he will see that there is physically no space. Or maybe at 8pm when you throw down the air mattresses on the living room floor for the kids and insist on turning all the lights off for bedtime then everyone will get the hint!









Puuuhlease. If this was DH's family, they would look at someone expecting R&R on their own terms as if they had three heads. You're supposed to play by their arbitrary rules. Only "certain" (read: arbitrary, usually the non-blood BIL's, for some reason) "family" members get their say in the family. As for DH, he has to work and does not have cushy hours or limitless vacation time. Its him, that it, he runs the show. We may or may not be able to stay the whole time, and I may or may not be up for it. That's the way it is. MIL does not dictate what we do, we are not aged ten. MIL needs to get over it. We have our own family and do not answer to them or anyone else. Cramming all of us in uncomfortable quarters is doing no one any favors, trust me, its no vacation. In fact, it is sacrifice of precious time and money, but MIL only thinks of herself and appearances. Makes me sick.





Anonymous
Post 07/19/2014 14:20     Subject: 2 bedroom condo and 8 adults/5 kids at the beach!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't think people are saying something about the marriage being in trouble because of the number of people sharing a house. It is the fact that OP is clearly not pleased with this but cannot say anything to DH because he wouldn't allow anything different. I cannot imagine DH forcing me into a situation that I hated, especially when there is a reasonable alternative.


This. The OP says she can't ask for a hotel room because it would be the end of her marriage, her husband would never allow it, etc. That's the problem--her husband is forcing her to do something she clearly does not want to do, and she thinks she can't object. This is a bad dynamic, and its the source of the problem.


I highly doubt the husband would just walk away from the family because she didn't go on vacation. Finding a wife and having a family is often a big deal for South Asian families and the once I know don't divorce on a whim. If Op actually knows he would walk away and divorce her if she doesn't go, then she shouldn't go and she should let it happen as living every day under the threat of divorce if you don't do exactly what you are told is pointless. Then she can leave and have a much better life.


Agreed. I think OP is being a drama queen. She wants some sympathy because she probably has not been able to assimilate with the rest of the family and wants to paint it as a clash of culture instead of personality.

Maybe she resents that her DH wants to spend time with his parents and other brothers etc...

She had the choice in the first place to marry the guy, and she has the choice to divorce him if things are bad - however, I do not think she wants to really divorce a high earning Doctor/Engineer/Lawyer/Businessman - as her DH probably is.


How do you know? Are you his mother?

What makes you so sure she wouldn't get more from a divorce? And maybe a daily that has cut the cord a little? Wow.

Anonymous
Post 07/18/2014 18:16     Subject: 2 bedroom condo and 8 adults/5 kids at the beach!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ask your DH to spell out the sleeping arrangements. It sounds like he hasn't thought through them. Ask what he thinks you both should do when DC doesn't nap.




I don't agree with this. My DH is/was abused and taken advantage of by his family. He never learned to deal with it. DH's abusive family relies on the fact that DH will not stand up to them. They very much resent what DH has, in every way, even/especially the bitter MIL. In fact, it seems to bother them more as they get older.

Don't expect DH to spell everything out for such thoughtless cads, no matter how predictable and tiresome they are. Really, just write about it on your blog for all of your friends and family to see - "what they did AGAIN this year, as predicted!" They should really be called out on their awfulness.

I mean spell it out to his wife. Maybe as he says "Mom and Dad will sleep here, Ann and Bill will sleep here, their kids will be here, you and I will be here . . . oh wait - where will Mary and Charlie go?" he will see that there is physically no space. Or maybe at 8pm when you throw down the air mattresses on the living room floor for the kids and insist on turning all the lights off for bedtime then everyone will get the hint!







Anonymous
Post 07/18/2014 17:53     Subject: 2 bedroom condo and 8 adults/5 kids at the beach!
Anonymous wrote:Ask your DH to spell out the sleeping arrangements. It sounds like he hasn't thought through them. Ask what he thinks you both should do when DC doesn't nap.




I don't agree with this. My DH is/was abused and taken advantage of by his family. He never learned to deal with it. DH's abusive family relies on the fact that DH will not stand up to them. They very much resent what DH has, in every way, even/especially the bitter MIL. In fact, it seems to bother them more as they get older.

Don't expect DH to spell everything out for such thoughtless cads, no matter how predictable and tiresome they are. Really, just write about it on your blog for all of your friends and family to see - "what they did AGAIN this year, as predicted!" They should really be called out on their awfulness.







Anonymous
Post 07/16/2014 23:38     Subject: 2 bedroom condo and 8 adults/5 kids at the beach!
Ask your DH to spell out the sleeping arrangements. It sounds like he hasn't thought through them. Ask what he thinks you both should do when DC doesn't nap.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2014 22:30     Subject: 2 bedroom condo and 8 adults/5 kids at the beach!
OP, I have a very close friend who is SE Asian as is her DH. I have learned to understand the dynamic of a submissive style arrangement to both her DH and his family. She will rarely stand up for herself, but she always
Does for her kids. Can you phrase it to your DH about how getting a hotel room would be better for the kids? Naps, sleeping, etc?
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2014 22:29     Subject: 2 bedroom condo and 8 adults/5 kids at the beach!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't think people are saying something about the marriage being in trouble because of the number of people sharing a house. It is the fact that OP is clearly not pleased with this but cannot say anything to DH because he wouldn't allow anything different. I cannot imagine DH forcing me into a situation that I hated, especially when there is a reasonable alternative.


This. The OP says she can't ask for a hotel room because it would be the end of her marriage, her husband would never allow it, etc. That's the problem--her husband is forcing her to do something she clearly does not want to do, and she thinks she can't object. This is a bad dynamic, and its the source of the problem.


I highly doubt the husband would just walk away from the family because she didn't go on vacation. Finding a wife and having a family is often a big deal for South Asian families and the once I know don't divorce on a whim. If Op actually knows he would walk away and divorce her if she doesn't go, then she shouldn't go and she should let it happen as living every day under the threat of divorce if you don't do exactly what you are told is pointless. Then she can leave and have a much better life.


Agreed. I think OP is being a drama queen. She wants some sympathy because she probably has not been able to assimilate with the rest of the family and wants to paint it as a clash of culture instead of personality.

Maybe she resents that her DH wants to spend time with his parents and other brothers etc...

She had the choice in the first place to marry the guy, and she has the choice to divorce him if things are bad - however, I do not think she wants to really divorce a high earning Doctor/Engineer/Lawyer/Businessman - as her DH probably is.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2014 22:24     Subject: 2 bedroom condo and 8 adults/5 kids at the beach!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't think people are saying something about the marriage being in trouble because of the number of people sharing a house. It is the fact that OP is clearly not pleased with this but cannot say anything to DH because he wouldn't allow anything different. I cannot imagine DH forcing me into a situation that I hated, especially when there is a reasonable alternative.


This. The OP says she can't ask for a hotel room because it would be the end of her marriage, her husband would never allow it, etc. That's the problem--her husband is forcing her to do something she clearly does not want to do, and she thinks she can't object. This is a bad dynamic, and its the source of the problem.


I highly doubt the husband would just walk away from the family because she didn't go on vacation. Finding a wife and having a family is often a big deal for South Asian families and the once I know don't divorce on a whim. If Op actually knows he would walk away and divorce her if she doesn't go, then she shouldn't go and she should let it happen as living every day under the threat of divorce if you don't do exactly what you are told is pointless. Then she can leave and have a much better life.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2014 22:13     Subject: 2 bedroom condo and 8 adults/5 kids at the beach!
Anonymous wrote:You and your SILs should book a room that comfortably sleeps all of you. Leave the children with the husbands in the chaos. Enjoy your child free girls weekend.


This.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2014 22:12     Subject: 2 bedroom condo and 8 adults/5 kids at the beach!
OP, you have bigger issues in your marriage than you are willing to admit.

I am South Asian Indian as well. There is no way that my DH would do this on a vacation. We are two adults and two kids. All 4 of us have on occasions (overnight trips) shared a big room with attached bath. However, most of the times, it is a suite with two attached bedrooms and bathrooms.

The only way I could imagine sleeping in a large room on air mattresses with other female relatives is when we go to India to attend some crazy big fat Indian wedding and the gossiping, singing, dancing and fun lasts for many days. There is a different charm to it and that way the kids get to meet and spend time with relatives and cousins.

However, I do understand where your family is coming from and I would insist on renting the adjacent condo as well. We went on vacation with 2 other family recently and it was 3 bedroom and 4 bathrooms. Each married couple got their own rooms and all the kids were sleeping on air mattresses in the huge family room - it was like a big sleepover for them.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2014 22:06     Subject: 2 bedroom condo and 8 adults/5 kids at the beach!
The SIL's should book a hotel room to share. Leave all the kids in the condo with the me .