Anonymous
07/07/2014 10:36
Subject: Today is the day that I hate my husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, I can really relate. My DH had that hard shell when we fell in love, too, but he let me in, and I never felt the cold sharpness of it from the receiving end. I saw someone who had been hurt by the world and undervalued by the people closest to him, and I was flattered that he let me in beyond his walls. Once we were married though (and we're less than 2 years married now) he shut me out more and more. It's the little things like you mention that add up...any compliment I give him goes nowhere ("That was a delicious dinner" "Of course it was"...), there are no compliments my way - none - he never smiles when I come in the room, he can't say anything nice about anything, he won't allow me to do anything for him like bring him a drink. Literally, I will be in the kitchen and ask can I bring him anythjng, he'll say no, and a minute later get up and get his own drink. Nothing I can do can bring him the slightest pleasure. It's exhausting and demoralizing.
On the other hand, he barely stops doing housework all day and our toddler adores him. Everyone thinks he's such a great husband, but I fear unless he changes pretty dramatically, I can't imagine sharing a home with someone who just seems to dislike me so fully.
OP here. This is almost exactly what I am going through. I see that I am being criticized for not providing specifics. That makes sense, but the specifics are very hard to describe. It's not one action - it is just a general overall attitude that suggest a complete lack of appreciation, needing or wanting me for anything. If I like something - it is automatically stupid and not worth his time. If I ask if I can help with anything, he is never receptive to it. If I try and praise him, he rebuffs it. Virtually any question I ask him is met with exasperation from him. This, also coupled with the fact that he has a sharp wit and has no issue making fun of me, yet literally loses his mind and becomes severely offended if I throw a little his way. I am not at all sensitive to jokes at my expense. Usually, the smart ass comment is well deserved. But, if it is reversed, he can't handle it, he gets angry, and has no problem ripping me apart for what I said in front of friends and family. It's embarrassing.
On the other hand - he is a great father. He helps around the house. He is committed to the family. So, what do you do, right?
I think he sounds deeply narcissistic and that it's unlikely to change without counseling and/or medication. It is very hard to be a perfectionist and draining when you expect everyone around you to measure up. When they don't, you cut them off, because they aren't helping you live up to the image that you feel you must maintain. It may stem from some family factors - parents who praised your DH excessively combined with some childhood trauma. But simply having a "talk" with DH will likely go nowhere - because he'll see that in the first instance as your trying to get a pass for not meeting his expectations.
I think the only consolation I can offer is that it's not easy for him, either. On the other hand, you do need to understand that eventually your kids will feel the same way in his presence that you do.
Anonymous
07/07/2014 10:24
Subject: Today is the day that I hate my husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, I can really relate. My DH had that hard shell when we fell in love, too, but he let me in, and I never felt the cold sharpness of it from the receiving end. I saw someone who had been hurt by the world and undervalued by the people closest to him, and I was flattered that he let me in beyond his walls. Once we were married though (and we're less than 2 years married now) he shut me out more and more. It's the little things like you mention that add up...any compliment I give him goes nowhere ("That was a delicious dinner" "Of course it was"...), there are no compliments my way - none - he never smiles when I come in the room, he can't say anything nice about anything, he won't allow me to do anything for him like bring him a drink. Literally, I will be in the kitchen and ask can I bring him anythjng, he'll say no, and a minute later get up and get his own drink. Nothing I can do can bring him the slightest pleasure. It's exhausting and demoralizing.
On the other hand, he barely stops doing housework all day and our toddler adores him. Everyone thinks he's such a great husband, but I fear unless he changes pretty dramatically, I can't imagine sharing a home with someone who just seems to dislike me so fully.
OP here. This is almost exactly what I am going through. I see that I am being criticized for not providing specifics. That makes sense, but the specifics are very hard to describe. It's not one action - it is just a general overall attitude that suggest a complete lack of appreciation, needing or wanting me for anything. If I like something - it is automatically stupid and not worth his time. If I ask if I can help with anything, he is never receptive to it. If I try and praise him, he rebuffs it. Virtually any question I ask him is met with exasperation from him. This, also coupled with the fact that he has a sharp wit and has no issue making fun of me, yet literally loses his mind and becomes severely offended if I throw a little his way. I am not at all sensitive to jokes at my expense. Usually, the smart ass comment is well deserved. But, if it is reversed, he can't handle it, he gets angry, and has no problem ripping me apart for what I said in front of friends and family. It's embarrassing.
On the other hand - he is a great father. He helps around the house. He is committed to the family. So, what do you do, right?
counselor, the two of you need counseling. so the first step is to have a rational and calm conversation to quickly figure out if the two of you want to save the marriage. that answer, above all, determines how you go forward.
Anonymous
07/07/2014 10:23
Subject: Today is the day that I hate my husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, I can really relate. My DH had that hard shell when we fell in love, too, but he let me in, and I never felt the cold sharpness of it from the receiving end. I saw someone who had been hurt by the world and undervalued by the people closest to him, and I was flattered that he let me in beyond his walls. Once we were married though (and we're less than 2 years married now) he shut me out more and more. It's the little things like you mention that add up...any compliment I give him goes nowhere ("That was a delicious dinner" "Of course it was"...), there are no compliments my way - none - he never smiles when I come in the room, he can't say anything nice about anything, he won't allow me to do anything for him like bring him a drink. Literally, I will be in the kitchen and ask can I bring him anythjng, he'll say no, and a minute later get up and get his own drink. Nothing I can do can bring him the slightest pleasure. It's exhausting and demoralizing.
On the other hand, he barely stops doing housework all day and our toddler adores him. Everyone thinks he's such a great husband, but I fear unless he changes pretty dramatically, I can't imagine sharing a home with someone who just seems to dislike me so fully.
OP here. This is almost exactly what I am going through. I see that I am being criticized for not providing specifics. That makes sense, but the specifics are very hard to describe. It's not one action - it is just a general overall attitude that suggest a complete lack of appreciation, needing or wanting me for anything. If I like something - it is automatically stupid and not worth his time. If I ask if I can help with anything, he is never receptive to it. If I try and praise him, he rebuffs it. Virtually any question I ask him is met with exasperation from him. This, also coupled with the fact that he has a sharp wit and has no issue making fun of me, yet literally loses his mind and becomes severely offended if I throw a little his way. I am not at all sensitive to jokes at my expense. Usually, the smart ass comment is well deserved. But, if it is reversed, he can't handle it, he gets angry, and has no problem ripping me apart for what I said in front of friends and family. It's embarrassing.
On the other hand - he is a great father. He helps around the house. He is committed to the family. So, what do you do, right?
He's not a great father. Great fathers don't belittle the mother of their children. Great fathers don't dismiss the wants and likes of his children's mother as stupid. He's sounds like my friend's ex-husband. Always rolling his eyes, talking to her in a condescending tone. He was no role model for their daughter. Thankfully he actually asked to separate. Friend is now remarried to a wonderful guy who loves her for who she is and is a full partner in parenting their kids.
Anonymous
07/07/2014 10:12
Subject: Today is the day that I hate my husband
Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, I can really relate. My DH had that hard shell when we fell in love, too, but he let me in, and I never felt the cold sharpness of it from the receiving end. I saw someone who had been hurt by the world and undervalued by the people closest to him, and I was flattered that he let me in beyond his walls. Once we were married though (and we're less than 2 years married now) he shut me out more and more. It's the little things like you mention that add up...any compliment I give him goes nowhere ("That was a delicious dinner" "Of course it was"...), there are no compliments my way - none - he never smiles when I come in the room, he can't say anything nice about anything, he won't allow me to do anything for him like bring him a drink. Literally, I will be in the kitchen and ask can I bring him anythjng, he'll say no, and a minute later get up and get his own drink. Nothing I can do can bring him the slightest pleasure. It's exhausting and demoralizing.
On the other hand, he barely stops doing housework all day and our toddler adores him. Everyone thinks he's such a great husband, but I fear unless he changes pretty dramatically, I can't imagine sharing a home with someone who just seems to dislike me so fully.
OP here. This is almost exactly what I am going through. I see that I am being criticized for not providing specifics. That makes sense, but the specifics are very hard to describe. It's not one action - it is just a general overall attitude that suggest a complete lack of appreciation, needing or wanting me for anything. If I like something - it is automatically stupid and not worth his time. If I ask if I can help with anything, he is never receptive to it. If I try and praise him, he rebuffs it. Virtually any question I ask him is met with exasperation from him. This, also coupled with the fact that he has a sharp wit and has no issue making fun of me, yet literally loses his mind and becomes severely offended if I throw a little his way. I am not at all sensitive to jokes at my expense. Usually, the smart ass comment is well deserved. But, if it is reversed, he can't handle it, he gets angry, and has no problem ripping me apart for what I said in front of friends and family. It's embarrassing.
On the other hand - he is a great father. He helps around the house. He is committed to the family. So, what do you do, right?
Anonymous
07/07/2014 00:15
Subject: Today is the day that I hate my husband
OP, do you feel this way on a regular basis, or just every now + then?
Hate to sound like a man which I am not, but maybe you are PMS'ing, or blame it on the summer heat.
Sometimes we all need to just blow off some steam....
However, if you find yourself feeling this way more and more, then this is problematic.
But in any type of relationship, there will always be ups and downs.
Hate to sound like a man which I am not, but maybe you are PMS'ing, or blame it on the summer heat.
Sometimes we all need to just blow off some steam....
However, if you find yourself feeling this way more and more, then this is problematic.
But in any type of relationship, there will always be ups and downs.
Anonymous
07/06/2014 23:59
Subject: Today is the day that I hate my husband
Anonymous wrote:Were you in a coma the entire time you dated him and throughout the ensuing years after marriage? Maybe the problem is you.
Are you trying to say that you believe people stay the absolute same throughout their lives and don't change when in a marriage?
Anonymous
07/06/2014 23:57
Subject: Today is the day that I hate my husband
Were you in a coma the entire time you dated him and throughout the ensuing years after marriage? Maybe the problem is you.
Anonymous
07/06/2014 23:51
Subject: Today is the day that I hate my husband
Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, I can really relate. My DH had that hard shell when we fell in love, too, but he let me in, and I never felt the cold sharpness of it from the receiving end. I saw someone who had been hurt by the world and undervalued by the people closest to him, and I was flattered that he let me in beyond his walls. Once we were married though (and we're less than 2 years married now) he shut me out more and more. It's the little things like you mention that add up...any compliment I give him goes nowhere ("That was a delicious dinner" "Of course it was"...), there are no compliments my way - none - he never smiles when I come in the room, he can't say anything nice about anything, he won't allow me to do anything for him like bring him a drink. Literally, I will be in the kitchen and ask can I bring him anythjng, he'll say no, and a minute later get up and get his own drink. Nothing I can do can bring him the slightest pleasure. It's exhausting and demoralizing.
On the other hand, he barely stops doing housework all day and our toddler adores him. Everyone thinks he's such a great husband, but I fear unless he changes pretty dramatically, I can't imagine sharing a home with someone who just seems to dislike me so fully.
Your husband clearly needs help but he can't see that or won't seek it out himself. I dealt with depression and anxiety for years before I knew why I was acting just like you describe. Getting help is necessary to see any changes
Anonymous
07/06/2014 23:01
Subject: Today is the day that I hate my husband
OP,I understand your,frustrations, but it sounds like you haven't shared your feelings with him, maybe because you think it is futile. Since you have a child and once were in love, however, I would commit to a period of joint counseling before giving up on the marriage. IF he won't go, go yourself and see if you can learn methods of improving communication and the relationship. If you are in the same place in 9 months or a year, at least you can feel like you made every effort to save the marriage.
Anonymous
07/06/2014 22:23
Subject: Today is the day that I hate my husband
He sounds unhappy and like he's taking it out on you. The big clue is that he gets worse when his brother visits. For an introvert, rigid person like you describe, visiting family is a big stressor. He reacts by getting annoyed with you.
Basically, it sounds like the stresses of life, family, and work have caused him to grow more closed and more apart from you. It sounds like he's not giving you what you need; and is giving you a lot of what you don't need.
None of this is to say you don't have your own faults. But you are well within your rights to ask for a change.
Basically, it sounds like the stresses of life, family, and work have caused him to grow more closed and more apart from you. It sounds like he's not giving you what you need; and is giving you a lot of what you don't need.
None of this is to say you don't have your own faults. But you are well within your rights to ask for a change.
Anonymous
07/06/2014 22:11
Subject: Today is the day that I hate my husband
OP, you sound like you'd be bitching about him if he were vulnerable.
Anonymous
07/06/2014 22:04
Subject: Today is the day that I hate my husband
Is it just me, or has the OP given no specifics as to what her husband is doing wrong. What does he do that is unkind? What does he do that is unbearable? All you've done is made vague statements.
Anonymous
07/06/2014 21:53
Subject: Today is the day that I hate my husband
Wow, OP, I can really relate. My DH had that hard shell when we fell in love, too, but he let me in, and I never felt the cold sharpness of it from the receiving end. I saw someone who had been hurt by the world and undervalued by the people closest to him, and I was flattered that he let me in beyond his walls. Once we were married though (and we're less than 2 years married now) he shut me out more and more. It's the little things like you mention that add up...any compliment I give him goes nowhere ("That was a delicious dinner" "Of course it was"...), there are no compliments my way - none - he never smiles when I come in the room, he can't say anything nice about anything, he won't allow me to do anything for him like bring him a drink. Literally, I will be in the kitchen and ask can I bring him anythjng, he'll say no, and a minute later get up and get his own drink. Nothing I can do can bring him the slightest pleasure. It's exhausting and demoralizing.
On the other hand, he barely stops doing housework all day and our toddler adores him. Everyone thinks he's such a great husband, but I fear unless he changes pretty dramatically, I can't imagine sharing a home with someone who just seems to dislike me so fully.
On the other hand, he barely stops doing housework all day and our toddler adores him. Everyone thinks he's such a great husband, but I fear unless he changes pretty dramatically, I can't imagine sharing a home with someone who just seems to dislike me so fully.
Anonymous
07/06/2014 21:46
Subject: Re:Today is the day that I hate my husband
Not having heard more from OP, you both sound terribly ill matched. You wanted to "tick off boxes," you "need to be needed" - but have you ever told your DH this or do you silently seethe about it? He sounds like a real charmer himself. If you are a successful lawyer I would assume you have the proverbial balls to pull your husband aside when his brother is visiting and tell him not to disrespect you. I am glad you can take care of yourself on your own. FWIW, I am a woman and I wish you the best but this sounds like a match made in hell. Good luck - I think you are going to need it. Do not put your daughter through the trauma of growing up with the two of you unless you both get counseling. You may think kids cannot sense such things. TRUST ME. They CAN. Sorry for being so harsh but honestly, I can only imagine another post in a few moments titled "Today is the day that I hate my wife" authored by your DH. Use your finely honed negotiation skills to get him into counseling if you think it's worth it - otherwise call it quits now for your daughter's sake. This sounds toxic to me.
Anonymous
07/06/2014 21:32
Subject: Re:Today is the day that I hate my husband
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am with you OP. I am thinking of dumping my wife. She was an attractive woman when I married her but she has put on over 70 pounds since we married and I am quite honestly embarrassed to be seen with her.
Things do change sometimes in terms of personality and other times in terms of looks.
Wow i really hope this is a joke. Seriously? You sound as shallow as they come. Does the woman you married INSIDE still exist? The woman you fell in love with, hopefully for more than her body???? Obviously not. Man, she will be lucky to be rid of someone who thinks like you. Sad.
I'm not the PP, but I'm pretty sure I can recognize sarcasm when it slaps me like a 10" dong hitting BPVOG upside his head.