Anonymous
07/07/2014 18:22
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:So, how do we distinguish "communicating about inadequate sex frequency" from "whining"? The tone of the earlier posts about "whining" suggests that pretty much all communication on the issue will be regarded as "whining" (and, in fact, I got the impression that the PP didn't regard sex as a need in any real sense.) But, tone can be kind of tricky online, so maybe I'm misreading.
You're misreading. I've said "compromise" a bunch of times. If you want a compromise, you have to put what you want out there.
Part of the problem with asking for more sex is how it's asked. People who ask for more sex don't say "I want more sex." They say "You never want to have sex with me." and then follow it up with contempt and criticism -- you're rejecting me, you don't love me, you are cold, you hate sex.. They turn the lack of sex into something more fundamental than just lack of sex. They ascribe it to the other partner not loving them or hating sex. None of those things may be true.
It's also when it's asked. They also tend to ask about it or bring it up in the heat of the moment - one partner approaches, the other partner declines, and the first partner starts bitching about it. Now it's a fight, instead of sex.
Breakfast or over a meal is a better time to talk about it. Stick to "I" statements. "I want more sex." "I miss when we had sex every day." "I miss that thing we used to do." "I would like to find a way to have more sex with you." If the low drive person says they can't possibly, you need to listen to their objections and try to help find ways around those objections. Make sure they tell you why they can't and listen, if you're going to negotiate a compromise.
I think the frequent use of the pejorative "whining" distracted me from the "compromise" element of your post. In any case, you make valid points, but there are reasons for a lot of the bad timing and poor framing of the desire for more sex. One reason for the "you hate me, you don't love me," etc. is that what the deprived spouse is often missing is the feeling of being loved, having his/her spouse being attracted or something deeper than just the physical act of sex. Often the lower drive spouse doesn't really get this -- thinks it's just a superficial desire to have orgasms using the low drive spouse's body as a masturbatory aid. And, so, the lower drive spouse doesn't really understand the frustration -- why not just masturbate?
Anonymous
07/07/2014 16:24
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:You're still overlooking the fact that repeatedly declining sex is hurtful. It really sucks to do all the above and still not be wanted by the person you love. It completely sucks, and sugar-coating it is bulllshit. Yes, compromise is still needed, but let's not pretend like rejection feels great or isn't harmful to your relationship.
You choose to be hurt by it. You choose to take it personally. You are making a choice to interpret it that way. You can choose to look at it differently.
Maybe therapy is an option.
Anonymous
07/07/2014 16:22
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
You're still overlooking the fact that repeatedly declining sex is hurtful. It really sucks to do all the above and still not be wanted by the person you love. It completely sucks, and sugar-coating it is bulllshit. Yes, compromise is still needed, but let's not pretend like rejection feels great or isn't harmful to your relationship.
Anonymous
07/07/2014 15:55
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:So, how do we distinguish "communicating about inadequate sex frequency" from "whining"? The tone of the earlier posts about "whining" suggests that pretty much all communication on the issue will be regarded as "whining" (and, in fact, I got the impression that the PP didn't regard sex as a need in any real sense.) But, tone can be kind of tricky online, so maybe I'm misreading.
You're misreading. I've said "compromise" a bunch of times. If you want a compromise, you have to put what you want out there.
Part of the problem with asking for more sex is how it's asked. People who ask for more sex don't say "I want more sex." They say "You never want to have sex with me." and then follow it up with contempt and criticism -- you're rejecting me, you don't love me, you are cold, you hate sex.. They turn the lack of sex into something more fundamental than just lack of sex. They ascribe it to the other partner not loving them or hating sex. None of those things may be true.
It's also when it's asked. They also tend to ask about it or bring it up in the heat of the moment - one partner approaches, the other partner declines, and the first partner starts bitching about it. Now it's a fight, instead of sex.
Breakfast or over a meal is a better time to talk about it. Stick to "I" statements. "I want more sex." "I miss when we had sex every day." "I miss that thing we used to do." "I would like to find a way to have more sex with you." If the low drive person says they can't possibly, you need to listen to their objections and try to help find ways around those objections. Make sure they tell you why they can't and listen, if you're going to negotiate a compromise.
Anonymous
07/07/2014 15:33
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
So, how do we distinguish "communicating about inadequate sex frequency" from "whining"? The tone of the earlier posts about "whining" suggests that pretty much all communication on the issue will be regarded as "whining" (and, in fact, I got the impression that the PP didn't regard sex as a need in any real sense.) But, tone can be kind of tricky online, so maybe I'm misreading.
Anonymous
07/07/2014 15:23
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Of course it doesn't fix it. You're still rejecting your spouse.
"Not right now" isn't the same as "never."
Any guy who doesn't know that is a screamingly insecure baby, who deserves the divorce that is coming his way.
I can tell you've never been the higher drive partner. Asking repeatedly and getting rejected most of the time feels like rejection. Having sex every month or so does not erase that sting.
If the sex drives are that mismatched, and she won't compromise and he can't stop taking it personally and whining about it, it's time to divorce.
If a mismatched marriage is going to work, the lower drive partner has to give it up more and the higher drive partner has to quit acting like a whiny baby.
It's still rejection.
Nah, it's not. If you can't see it any other way, though, well... have fun with that divorce.
Anonymous
07/07/2014 15:21
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
liamw wrote:So by the logic a lot of people are showing here, If some one works to much and doesn't come home till late.... then the person upset by the lack of interaction need to "stop being a whiney baby" Or if they aren't verbally intimate enough, the person who is able to communicate and share should suck it up and stop whining. What happened to compromise being a solution before divorce ? Is this really where we are now, walk away from any thing that doesn't come easy ?
You should complain, but you should realize that if you complain constantly (nag, whine, whatever) then you are not increasing your chances of getting what you want. No one wants to come home to a wife who whines about your work habits. No one wants to have sex with someone who constantly criticizes their sex habits.
As I've said multiple times on this thread, one spouse needs compromise and the other spouse needs to stop whining.
Anonymous
07/07/2014 15:21
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Of course it doesn't fix it. You're still rejecting your spouse.
"Not right now" isn't the same as "never."
Any guy who doesn't know that is a screamingly insecure baby, who deserves the divorce that is coming his way.
I can tell you've never been the higher drive partner. Asking repeatedly and getting rejected most of the time feels like rejection. Having sex every month or so does not erase that sting.
If the sex drives are that mismatched, and she won't compromise and he can't stop taking it personally and whining about it, it's time to divorce.
If a mismatched marriage is going to work, the lower drive partner has to give it up more and the higher drive partner has to quit acting like a whiny baby.
It's still rejection.
Anonymous
07/07/2014 15:07
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
It's a marriage...and like all things in life there is a series of compromises along the way. He will not get it every day, she needs to step up and provide either maintenance sex or more regular oral. We're talking 10-15 minutes every couple of days. Make time.
Anonymous
07/07/2014 14:58
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Of course it doesn't fix it. You're still rejecting your spouse.
"Not right now" isn't the same as "never."
Any guy who doesn't know that is a screamingly insecure baby, who deserves the divorce that is coming his way.
I can tell you've never been the higher drive partner. Asking repeatedly and getting rejected most of the time feels like rejection. Having sex every month or so does not erase that sting.
If the sex drives are that mismatched, and she won't compromise and he can't stop taking it personally and whining about it, it's time to divorce.
If a mismatched marriage is going to work, the lower drive partner has to give it up more and the higher drive partner has to quit acting like a whiny baby.
Anonymous
07/07/2014 14:46
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Of course it doesn't fix it. You're still rejecting your spouse.
"Not right now" isn't the same as "never."
Any guy who doesn't know that is a screamingly insecure baby, who deserves the divorce that is coming his way.
I can tell you've never been the higher drive partner. Asking repeatedly and getting rejected most of the time feels like rejection. Having sex every month or so does not erase that sting.
Anonymous
07/07/2014 14:34
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Of course it doesn't fix it. You're still rejecting your spouse.
"Not right now" isn't the same as "never."
Any guy who doesn't know that is a screamingly insecure baby, who deserves the divorce that is coming his way.
Sex less than 1 time a week plus "career related absences" for over 10 years is hardly "not right now". It likely feels to this DH like never. Thus his ultimatum.
Anonymous
07/07/2014 14:05
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:Of course it doesn't fix it. You're still rejecting your spouse.
"Not right now" isn't the same as "never."
Any guy who doesn't know that is a screamingly insecure baby, who deserves the divorce that is coming his way.
Anonymous
07/07/2014 13:15
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:I find it sad how many people on here seem to think it's okay to drive your husband away because he wants sex.
Sex isn't a power play in a relationship. It's something you give freely out of love and desire. It's a gift of intimacy that you give to your partner, but not one that you wield over their heads because they did to help you do the dishes or bathe the kids. It's an experience that is shared mutually. You don't lose by giving it.
It also doesn't require you to be in the rare mood that happens when Venus aligns with Pluto on a Saturday during the equinox and it happened to be the day he trailed petals of flowers in hall all the way to the perfectly filled and candlelit bubble bath. It only requires you wanting to give to your partner something only you can give them (well, alternative lifestyles notwithstanding). It requires you wanting to connect on a level that you don't share with anyone else on the planet. .. One that has no secrets, no shame, and is purely about pleasure.
OP, this man is saying that he finds YOU to be the most beautiful, erotic thing he sets his eyes on. He wants to pleasure you, and have you pleasure him. He doesn't want you to just be the gal who makes his lunch and does his laundry. What is he negative in that AT ALL? You turn him in, and he wants to express that WITH YOU.
Things have been lean because of career absences, etc. maybe the pressures are off now. Enjoy it. He considers you to be a hot thing that he wants to get it on with. So get it on, before he turns that energy elsewhere and you are just the sandwich maker.
Oh lord, somebody has watched too many Disney movies.
Anonymous
07/07/2014 13:13
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Make sure he thinks a "hand job" is sex. I used this to up our frequency, only to find out DH didn't count it, remained pissed.
Define handjob.
If you, the wife, are jerking it like he does, it's awful.
Instead, use saliva or oil and slowly massage him to orgasm. Don't ever speed up.
If you're thinking you don't have time for that, *you* are the problem.
My DH likes is very fast. I can't keep up with all that.