Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has been very difficult to raise culturally Jewish but religiously Christian children amidst Jewish cousins. The cousins don't see Christianity as equal or even valid. They act as though Christian beliefs and practices are a big joke. My younger DD has celebrated with all of her cousins when they reached b'nai mitzvah age, but not a single one attended her First Communion. She was very hurt.

This has been my experience too. We are expected to attend and celebrate bar mitzvahs, but no one from DH's family attended our kids' baptisms, First Communions, or Confirmations. It was and is indescribably hurtful and has forever marred my relationships with my ILs.

I understand that Jews have suffered centuries of persecution. I am not personally responsible for that, however, and from where I sit, the reality and importance of present-day family ties trump historically-based grievances. It is shocking to me that my ILs refuse to get that.

I do not think you are responsible for centuries of persecution. I am just trying to explain the gut responses some Jews have to christian ritual. Sometimes things seem less hurtful if you understand them. What should trump what for whom is not for me to say. But I do think its sometimes difficult for gentiles/whites/men/straights/physicallyable to understand the things that bug jews/peopleofcolor/gays/disabled people. When one is a majority, privileged or not, one tends to look at things from a certain POV (and oh yes, that includes the way jews by birth sometimes look at jews by choice or interfaith couples trying to establish a jewish home)

PP here. I understand them. You think I don't because I am part of the Christian majority, but I do.

I think it is rude and hurtful for my Jewish ILs for forgo all (ALL) of my kids' religious milestones because of the history of persecution their people have suffered and their own gut responses to Christian rituals. People, particularly family, and their feelings trump historic grievances as a matter of fact, IMO. One can both view and feel things a certain way, and make the choice to override those views/feelings in order to express love and acceptance. Forgoing this choice, particularly where children are involved, is hurtful.

I understand, but neither accept nor forgive my ILs' choices.

This is what I think is happening. You won't like what I'm going to write, but I've seen it happen. Your in-laws do not like the fact that their son married someone who isn't Jewish. Any Christian ritual means nothing to your in-laws, and it probably disgusts them that their own grandchildren are Christian and not Jewish. Unfortunately, what they don't see is that their actions are ruining their relationships with their own grandchildren. The intermarriage is a fait accompli, and they should just suck up the fact that their son intermarried and now tow the line. There is nothing they can do about it. They obviously did not emphasize the importance of Jews marrying Jews and now they are suffering the consequences and taking it out on their grandchildren.

PP here. I think you are right. It disgusts me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has been very difficult to raise culturally Jewish but religiously Christian children amidst Jewish cousins. The cousins don't see Christianity as equal or even valid. They act as though Christian beliefs and practices are a big joke. My younger DD has celebrated with all of her cousins when they reached b'nai mitzvah age, but not a single one attended her First Communion. She was very hurt.

This has been my experience too. We are expected to attend and celebrate bar mitzvahs, but no one from DH's family attended our kids' baptisms, First Communions, or Confirmations. It was and is indescribably hurtful and has forever marred my relationships with my ILs.

I understand that Jews have suffered centuries of persecution. I am not personally responsible for that, however, and from where I sit, the reality and importance of present-day family ties trump historically-based grievances. It is shocking to me that my ILs refuse to get that.

I do not think you are responsible for centuries of persecution. I am just trying to explain the gut responses some Jews have to christian ritual. Sometimes things seem less hurtful if you understand them. What should trump what for whom is not for me to say. But I do think its sometimes difficult for gentiles/whites/men/straights/physicallyable to understand the things that bug jews/peopleofcolor/gays/disabled people. When one is a majority, privileged or not, one tends to look at things from a certain POV (and oh yes, that includes the way jews by birth sometimes look at jews by choice or interfaith couples trying to establish a jewish home)

PP here. I understand them. You think I don't because I am part of the Christian majority, but I do.

I think it is rude and hurtful for my Jewish ILs for forgo all (ALL) of my kids' religious milestones because of the history of persecution their people have suffered and their own gut responses to Christian rituals. People, particularly family, and their feelings trump historic grievances as a matter of fact, IMO. One can both view and feel things a certain way, and make the choice to override those views/feelings in order to express love and acceptance. Forgoing this choice, particularly where children are involved, is hurtful.

I understand, but neither accept nor forgive my ILs' choices.

NP here. Sounds like you should be posting in the family relationships forum, not the religion forum. I don't really think your experience is typical, at least not based on my own interfaith marriage and the many interfaith families we know at our reform temple. Actually my marriage is not technically interfaith, as my DH converted, but obviously his family didn't. My DH's family is out of town and we have still made it to every baptism, communion, and confirmation. (I would do that for any close friend or family member who experienced a milestone of any kid, if I were honored with an invitation.) We spend every Christmas with DH's family and fully participate in their traditions, except going to church, but not all of them even go so it's not an issue. I make latkes for Christmas eve and they love it MANY of my son's classmates at his Jewish preschool also celebrate Christmas with their extended families, and like us, they seem to embrace the santa/stockings/candy cane aspects of the holiday.

The flip side is that my DH's family has been extremely respectful, interested, and supportive of our Jewish occasions as well. We've had Passover Seders that had more Christians than Jews at the table. There have been moments when things have gotten a little awkward, like my MIL genuinely not understanding why we don't get a Christmas tree at our house, but overall it's been really nice.

Bottom line, how do you even know if their non-attendance at your kids' communions has to do with Judaism at all? There are a million reasons why families do things that offend each other, don't show up for each other, etc. And if it is based in religion, perhaps somethign in your approach to "cultural Judaism" has rubbed them the wrong way? Has anyone ever even asked them about this? If my brother or sister simply declined to attend a big event for my child, we would absolutely be having a frank discussion about why!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has been very difficult to raise culturally Jewish but religiously Christian children amidst Jewish cousins. The cousins don't see Christianity as equal or even valid. They act as though Christian beliefs and practices are a big joke. My younger DD has celebrated with all of her cousins when they reached b'nai mitzvah age, but not a single one attended her First Communion. She was very hurt.

This has been my experience too. We are expected to attend and celebrate bar mitzvahs, but no one from DH's family attended our kids' baptisms, First Communions, or Confirmations. It was and is indescribably hurtful and has forever marred my relationships with my ILs.

I understand that Jews have suffered centuries of persecution. I am not personally responsible for that, however, and from where I sit, the reality and importance of present-day family ties trump historically-based grievances. It is shocking to me that my ILs refuse to get that.

I do not think you are responsible for centuries of persecution. I am just trying to explain the gut responses some Jews have to christian ritual. Sometimes things seem less hurtful if you understand them. What should trump what for whom is not for me to say. But I do think its sometimes difficult for gentiles/whites/men/straights/physicallyable to understand the things that bug jews/peopleofcolor/gays/disabled people. When one is a majority, privileged or not, one tends to look at things from a certain POV (and oh yes, that includes the way jews by birth sometimes look at jews by choice or interfaith couples trying to establish a jewish home)

PP here. I understand them. You think I don't because I am part of the Christian majority, but I do.

I think it is rude and hurtful for my Jewish ILs for forgo all (ALL) of my kids' religious milestones because of the history of persecution their people have suffered and their own gut responses to Christian rituals. People, particularly family, and their feelings trump historic grievances as a matter of fact, IMO. One can both view and feel things a certain way, and make the choice to override those views/feelings in order to express love and acceptance. Forgoing this choice, particularly where children are involved, is hurtful.

I understand, but neither accept nor forgive my ILs' choices.

This is what I think is happening. You won't like what I'm going to write, but I've seen it happen. Your in-laws do not like the fact that their son married someone who isn't Jewish. Any Christian ritual means nothing to your in-laws, and it probably disgusts them that their own grandchildren are Christian and not Jewish. Unfortunately, what they don't see is that their actions are ruining their relationships with their own grandchildren. The intermarriage is a fait accompli, and they should just suck up the fact that their son intermarried and now tow the line. There is nothing they can do about it. They obviously did not emphasize the importance of Jews marrying Jews and now they are suffering the consequences and taking it out on their grandchildren.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has been very difficult to raise culturally Jewish but religiously Christian children amidst Jewish cousins. The cousins don't see Christianity as equal or even valid. They act as though Christian beliefs and practices are a big joke. My younger DD has celebrated with all of her cousins when they reached b'nai mitzvah age, but not a single one attended her First Communion. She was very hurt.

This has been my experience too. We are expected to attend and celebrate bar mitzvahs, but no one from DH's family attended our kids' baptisms, First Communions, or Confirmations. It was and is indescribably hurtful and has forever marred my relationships with my ILs.

I understand that Jews have suffered centuries of persecution. I am not personally responsible for that, however, and from where I sit, the reality and importance of present-day family ties trump historically-based grievances. It is shocking to me that my ILs refuse to get that.

I do not think you are responsible for centuries of persecution. I am just trying to explain the gut responses some Jews have to christian ritual. Sometimes things seem less hurtful if you understand them. What should trump what for whom is not for me to say. But I do think its sometimes difficult for gentiles/whites/men/straights/physicallyable to understand the things that bug jews/peopleofcolor/gays/disabled people. When one is a majority, privileged or not, one tends to look at things from a certain POV (and oh yes, that includes the way jews by birth sometimes look at jews by choice or interfaith couples trying to establish a jewish home)

PP here. I understand them. You think I don't because I am part of the Christian majority, but I do.

I think it is rude and hurtful for my Jewish ILs for forgo all (ALL) of my kids' religious milestones because of the history of persecution their people have suffered and their own gut responses to Christian rituals. People, particularly family, and their feelings trump historic grievances as a matter of fact, IMO. One can both view and feel things a certain way, and make the choice to override those views/feelings in order to express love and acceptance. Forgoing this choice, particularly where children are involved, is hurtful.

I understand, but neither accept nor forgive my ILs' choices.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has been very difficult to raise culturally Jewish but religiously Christian children amidst Jewish cousins. The cousins don't see Christianity as equal or even valid. They act as though Christian beliefs and practices are a big joke. My younger DD has celebrated with all of her cousins when they reached b'nai mitzvah age, but not a single one attended her First Communion. She was very hurt.

This has been my experience too. We are expected to attend and celebrate bar mitzvahs, but no one from DH's family attended our kids' baptisms, First Communions, or Confirmations. It was and is indescribably hurtful and has forever marred my relationships with my ILs.

I understand that Jews have suffered centuries of persecution. I am not personally responsible for that, however, and from where I sit, the reality and importance of present-day family ties trump historically-based grievances. It is shocking to me that my ILs refuse to get that.

I do not think you are responsible for centuries of persecution. I am just trying to explain the gut responses some Jews have to christian ritual. Sometimes things seem less hurtful if you understand them. What should trump what for whom is not for me to say. But I do think its sometimes difficult for gentiles/whites/men/straights/physicallyable to understand the things that bug jews/peopleofcolor/gays/disabled people. When one is a majority, privileged or not, one tends to look at things from a certain POV (and oh yes, that includes the way jews by birth sometimes look at jews by choice or interfaith couples trying to establish a jewish home)

PP here. I understand them. You think I don't because I am part of the Christian majority, but I do.

I think it is rude and hurtful for my Jewish ILs for forgo all (ALL) of my kids' religious milestones because of the history of persecution their people have suffered and their own gut responses to Christian rituals. People, particularly family, and their feelings trump historic grievances as a matter of fact, IMO. One can both view and feel things a certain way, and make the choice to override those views/feelings in order to express love and acceptance. Forgoing this choice, particularly where children are involved, is hurtful.

I understand, but neither accept nor forgive my ILs' choices.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has been very difficult to raise culturally Jewish but religiously Christian children amidst Jewish cousins. The cousins don't see Christianity as equal or even valid. They act as though Christian beliefs and practices are a big joke. My younger DD has celebrated with all of her cousins when they reached b'nai mitzvah age, but not a single one attended her First Communion. She was very hurt.

This has been my experience too. We are expected to attend and celebrate bar mitzvahs, but no one from DH's family attended our kids' baptisms, First Communions, or Confirmations. It was and is indescribably hurtful and has forever marred my relationships with my ILs.

I understand that Jews have suffered centuries of persecution. I am not personally responsible for that, however, and from where I sit, the reality and importance of present-day family ties trump historically-based grievances. It is shocking to me that my ILs refuse to get that.

I do not think you are responsible for centuries of persecution. I am just trying to explain the gut responses some Jews have to christian ritual. Sometimes things seem less hurtful if you understand them. What should trump what for whom is not for me to say. But I do think its sometimes difficult for gentiles/whites/men/straights/physicallyable to understand the things that bug jews/peopleofcolor/gays/disabled people. When one is a majority, privileged or not, one tends to look at things from a certain POV (and oh yes, that includes the way jews by birth sometimes look at jews by choice or interfaith couples trying to establish a jewish home)