This is just how women get treated here. You bear the inequitable burden of raising your kids even if you work because of "the second shift", get paid inequitably in the workforce, make out poorly in the divorce, have a harder time remarrying because you are past your prime ... and now all of those things are "yours and no one else's" to deal with and move on from so why can't you just get over it and be more upbeat and fun like that younger stepmom? And also, why aren't you making us breakfast?

Boy this is the truth.

Stay at a hotel. Tell everyone you don't want to choose. Choose the middle ground. You said "God forbid we stay at a hotel"… well it sounds like that is the best option. You can tell them you don't want to offend anyone and this is the best option for all of them, but in particular YOUR family - your child and husband.

Not going to read this entire thread, because the answer is in the question.

As a "self-sufficient adult" you don't sleep in anyone else's house, period. This is why God invented hotels.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stay with family to spend time with them, living with them for a short time. It is not like being in a hotel. I understand why your MIL is upset. If you want a nice vacation, go on one. If you want to spend time with relatives, stay with them.

Why does one have to sleep at someone's house to spend time together?

Because they are family. Because the MIL misses having her child wake up in her house and have breakfast, go to bed at night in her house etc. Family time.

+1 totally agree

Anonymous wrote:You stay with family to spend time with them, living with them for a short time. It is not like being in a hotel. I understand why your MIL is upset. If you want a nice vacation, go on one. If you want to spend time with relatives, stay with them.

You are soooo out of line. It's a ONE bedroom. One. Bedroom. That is not a good living condition for 4 people. I repeat. FOUR. People. Absolutely unbelievable how anyone would want to make their family members THAT uncomfortable for a visit when several much much better option are available. If MIL want them to stay at her place she needs to have a bigger place. 2 bedrooms would have been fine enough, but one - nope OP you are absolutely right. And don't feel guilty either.

Is mom American or from another country where no one expects to ever pay for lodging or not squish in with family, family, family?

The fact that you said "fun dad" shoes not all is as you describe.

Take a hotel room near mom. Give her 24 hours without having to arrange around her ex-husband's schedule. Tell dad he may not call during that 24 hours.

Okay. But in this circumstance, as is clear from the details OP gives, it sort of IS a competition. They need to pick one place to stay, and wind up choosing between FIL and MOH. FIL made more money so his place is bigger. It is also clear from OP that she is comparing the MIL and SMIL -- SMIL is more able to play with the baby. I mean, it IS a competition to OP about who is better able to provide a fun, comfortable experience when visiting. But if I am MIL, a lot of those factors are sort of out of my control because of my socioeconomic situation and. Maybe my age, which is likely also not really my fault. Look at the condescension in the title of this post: "I don't want to stay in your one bedroom condo!" So it's not a competition. But really, it is. I'm not divorced or old, yet, but I'd be a little bitter, too.

I would be bitter too.

Initially, I was going to say suck it up for a night. However as I got more details it seems like MIL likes the bragging rights and having them stay with her but has no interest in being inconvenienced. We have been fortunate to have our own bedrooms but the only way it works is if grandparents are willing to have the kids I their room or a common area. If we have to keep the kids quiet, keep them engaged and not touching anything 24-7 while in super tight quarters and the grandparents are not helping, I would absolutely stay at a hotel or at another relatives. I had one family visit (not parents or MIL) where the kids could not get crumbs on the table while eating (SIL is a neat freak), had to be quiet all morning, had no cable/tv they could watch, had no where to run around and the family that hosted barely engaged with the kids in conversation or anything. It was all the independence of a hotel in terms of little engagement with all the inconvenience of staying with family. I said never again. I won't go all diva if someone is bending over backwards for us to make a less than ideal logistical situation work. When the person is making it a lot more work for me to stay with them than at a hotel and don't really like having kids around I'm choosing the hotel so we both can be comfortable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stay with family to spend time with them, living with them for a short time. It is not like being in a hotel. I understand why your MIL is upset. If you want a nice vacation, go on one. If you want to spend time with relatives, stay with them.

Why does one have to sleep at someone's house to spend time together?

Because they are family. Because the MIL misses having her child wake up in her house and have breakfast, go to bed at night in her house etc. Family time.

Those days are over. Why make everyone suffer so she can relive Hallmark moments? She needs to take a deep breath and accept it's not about her. Watching your kids grow up and live their own lives is not a tragedy.

Anonymous wrote:DH's family lives out of town. God forbid we stay in a hotel on visits. This leaves us with a choice of staying with (1) his fun dad and stepmom in their big, comfy house; (2) his brother's family in their house where we my DH, me, and baby must share one bedroom and there is only one bathroom for everyone; and (3) his mother's one bedroom, one bath condo. We choose option 1. MIL is upset that we don't stay with her. Even though intellectually I know this is unreasonable (there is nowhere for baby to sleep quietly and husband and I have to sleep in an air mattress in living room) I feel guilty. We always make sure to visit with everyone when we are in town but MIL displays no ability to understand why we won't sleep at her place. Am I crazy? Do I need to suck it up and throw her a bone or is my position understandable? FWIW, DH doesn't want to stay there but he feels guilty too. I just feel, as a self-sufficient adult, that it should be okay that I don't want to have a miserable night's sleep and tiptoe around so as not to wake the baby. Right?

Your DH needs to tell her that you need your own space. Then tell her the discussion is CLOSED. IF she continues to bring it up, he needs to give her ONE warning saying that if it's going to be a problem where SHE is creating stress then you two will plan a vacation that will make you comfortable and go somewhere ELSE- not visiting family.

She's upset that you are "choosing" her ex instead of her. It's an ego thing. If DH can alleviate her fears it will probably solve the problem. (But since you say he is "fun" dad and don't mention anything about MIL, I'm guessing you prefer to stay with FIL regardless of the sleeping arrangements.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey if I spent 20 if my best years devoting my life to you when you were a boy and I'm now approaching my dotage, it is respectfully NOT MY JOB to compete with the younger model on being upbeat and fun for you now.

This is just how women get treated here. You bear the inequitable burden of raising your kids even if you work because of "the second shift", get paid inequitably in the workforce, make out poorly in the divorce, have a harder time remarrying because you are past your prime ... and now all of those things are "yours and no one else's" to deal with and move on from so why can't you just get over it and be more upbeat and fun like that younger stepmom? And also, why aren't you making us breakfast?

I'm 14:29. I wasn't suggesting that MIL compete with SMIL to be fun or upbeat. This is not a competition and the last thing either one of them should do is compete with the other. I was suggesting that nobody wants to hang around a MIL who is bitter about a 30-year old divorce. And, yes, the circumstances surrounding the divorce are between MIL and FIL only and MIL's circumstances afterward are hers alone to deal with (whether she feels her settlement was good, bad, or indifferent). MIL's son and DIL's obligation is to be kind and respectful to MIL. Hopefully, they can be generous with her. But that's where the obligation ends. MIL's son and daughter-in-law are simply not responsible for making anything up to MIL or compensating for MIL's insecurities.

Okay. But in this circumstance, as is clear from the details OP gives, it sort of IS a competition. They need to pick one place to stay, and wind up choosing between FIL and MOH. FIL made more money so his place is bigger. It is also clear from OP that she is comparing the MIL and SMIL -- SMIL is more able to play with the baby. I mean, it IS a competition to OP about who is better able to provide a fun, comfortable experience when visiting. But if I am MIL, a lot of those factors are sort of out of my control because of my socioeconomic situation and. Maybe my age, which is likely also not really my fault. Look at the condescension in the title of this post: "I don't want to stay in your one bedroom condo!" So it's not a competition. But really, it is. I'm not divorced or old, yet, but I'd be a little bitter, too.

I don't think it is a "competition" to OP. I think she's been straightforward about things and I think it is fair to say she prefers FIL and SMIL to MIL. However, that in no way implies that OP is setting people up to compete for her affections. OP reports that she spends more time with MIL than FIL. I took OP's posts to mean that, yes, FIL's house is more comfortable and they have more fun there but that they take time on every visit to spend with MIL (an entire day of a 2-3 day visit when they have to spend time with FIL and BIL too) AND MIL travels to OP's house and stays for 2-3 day visits. Also, you're making a lot of assumptions about MIL and FIL's respective socioeconomic situations that OP didn't detail. Lastly, I don't see how you get condescension from OP's straightforward statement of fact that she doesn't want to stay in the one-bedroom condo. That's the subject matter of the thread...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey if I spent 20 if my best years devoting my life to you when you were a boy and I'm now approaching my dotage, it is respectfully NOT MY JOB to compete with the younger model on being upbeat and fun for you now.

This is just how women get treated here. You bear the inequitable burden of raising your kids even if you work because of "the second shift", get paid inequitably in the workforce, make out poorly in the divorce, have a harder time remarrying because you are past your prime ... and now all of those things are "yours and no one else's" to deal with and move on from so why can't you just get over it and be more upbeat and fun like that younger stepmom? And also, why aren't you making us breakfast?

I'm 14:29. I wasn't suggesting that MIL compete with SMIL to be fun or upbeat. This is not a competition and the last thing either one of them should do is compete with the other. I was suggesting that nobody wants to hang around a MIL who is bitter about a 30-year old divorce. And, yes, the circumstances surrounding the divorce are between MIL and FIL only and MIL's circumstances afterward are hers alone to deal with (whether she feels her settlement was good, bad, or indifferent). MIL's son and DIL's obligation is to be kind and respectful to MIL. Hopefully, they can be generous with her. But that's where the obligation ends. MIL's son and daughter-in-law are simply not responsible for making anything up to MIL or compensating for MIL's insecurities.

Okay. But in this circumstance, as is clear from the details OP gives, it sort of IS a competition. They need to pick one place to stay, and wind up choosing between FIL and MOH. FIL made more money so his place is bigger. It is also clear from OP that she is comparing the MIL and SMIL -- SMIL is more able to play with the baby. I mean, it IS a competition to OP about who is better able to provide a fun, comfortable experience when visiting. But if I am MIL, a lot of those factors are sort of out of my control because of my socioeconomic situation and. Maybe my age, which is likely also not really my fault. Look at the condescension in the title of this post: "I don't want to stay in your one bedroom condo!" So it's not a competition. But really, it is. I'm not divorced or old, yet, but I'd be a little bitter, too.

She can be bitter, her feelings are valid, but that doesn't mean OP needs to make her family uncomfortable for their visit to avoid MIL having negative feelings. Would it be nice to pick a night to spend there, yes? But it's not OP's job to help MIL work through her post-divorce angst.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey if I spent 20 if my best years devoting my life to you when you were a boy and I'm now approaching my dotage, it is respectfully NOT MY JOB to compete with the younger model on being upbeat and fun for you now.

This is just how women get treated here. You bear the inequitable burden of raising your kids even if you work because of "the second shift", get paid inequitably in the workforce, make out poorly in the divorce, have a harder time remarrying because you are past your prime ... and now all of those things are "yours and no one else's" to deal with and move on from so why can't you just get over it and be more upbeat and fun like that younger stepmom? And also, why aren't you making us breakfast?

I'm 14:29. I wasn't suggesting that MIL compete with SMIL to be fun or upbeat. This is not a competition and the last thing either one of them should do is compete with the other. I was suggesting that nobody wants to hang around a MIL who is bitter about a 30-year old divorce. And, yes, the circumstances surrounding the divorce are between MIL and FIL only and MIL's circumstances afterward are hers alone to deal with (whether she feels her settlement was good, bad, or indifferent). MIL's son and DIL's obligation is to be kind and respectful to MIL. Hopefully, they can be generous with her. But that's where the obligation ends. MIL's son and daughter-in-law are simply not responsible for making anything up to MIL or compensating for MIL's insecurities.

Okay. But in this circumstance, as is clear from the details OP gives, it sort of IS a competition. They need to pick one place to stay, and wind up choosing between FIL and MOH. FIL made more money so his place is bigger. It is also clear from OP that she is comparing the MIL and SMIL -- SMIL is more able to play with the baby. I mean, it IS a competition to OP about who is better able to provide a fun, comfortable experience when visiting. But if I am MIL, a lot of those factors are sort of out of my control because of my socioeconomic situation and. Maybe my age, which is likely also not really my fault. Look at the condescension in the title of this post: "I don't want to stay in your one bedroom condo!" So it's not a competition. But really, it is. I'm not divorced or old, yet, but I'd be a little bitter, too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You pp's are nuts. It's a one bedroom! Mil's home isn't big enough for a family of three to stay there. They can have a nice visit without sleeping over. Seriously, that would just be nutty.

This a thousand times!

My husband was raised in a 1 bedroom apt with 7 adults and 2 kids (more in the summers) living there. My ILs would definitely not consider their 3 bedroom as too small to accommodate 7 adults and 2 kids when they're hosting Christmas and I would be the crazy diva DIL for suggesting we stay in a hotel.

Well...comfort is relative. You're very nice to stay with them over the holidays if you do that. Hopefully they can at least acknowledge your compromise to themselves and compromise with you in other areas.