For me it would take some serious work on the cheater's part to earn back my trust and get me to forgive them. They would have to be totally transparent for a while. Privacy would be pretty much out the window. They would have to be the one driving any sort of 'fix' to the relationship....not just siting back saying: "So what should we do?".

If they don't step up, lay it all out there for you, and lead the way in trying to fix the damage......consider it over.

I could not forgive or forget.

Are you forgiving?

Yes, you made the right decision in separating from someone who blames you. That's just a lost cause.

Anonymous wrote:


We separated a number of months ago. I think that has just added fuel to the fire of how awful I am treating him.

If you separated, then I'd cut the contact with him and not discuss anything but the children or unfinished business (finances, etc.).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I was one of those people who could never forgive but when it came to it I found I could. It took a lot of counseling and he did all I asked of him and more. One day I just saw him as he truly is, with all his human imperfections and weaknesses and fears and pain and recklessness but also all his goodness and generosity and love and kindness. I saw his sorrow and remorse and confusion at his own failings and I just felt my anger go. It wasn't a decision I made or the result of any concerted effort but rather just a sudden sense of peace and understanding. I'm not at all religious but it felt like grace. I wouldn't chose that path but it has changed me for the better and every day I look at my children and am so deeply grateful for that forgiveness. Our marriage is not perfect bliss but it feels honest and real and I am genuinely happy. But I think I could not forgive a second time because knowing what he knows now about the pain he caused me before, I would not be able to forgive him knowingly inflicting that on me again.

Thanks for sharing this - I wish this is where I am. Instead my husband blames me for his affair. Walks around with such an attitude towards me. The affair could he been forgiven, the lack of remorse and empathy has been harder.

I could not forgive someone who would not take full responsibility for their actions. It may take separation for this man to come around.

We separated a number of months ago. I think that has just added fuel to the fire of how awful I am treating him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I was one of those people who could never forgive but when it came to it I found I could. It took a lot of counseling and he did all I asked of him and more. One day I just saw him as he truly is, with all his human imperfections and weaknesses and fears and pain and recklessness but also all his goodness and generosity and love and kindness. I saw his sorrow and remorse and confusion at his own failings and I just felt my anger go. It wasn't a decision I made or the result of any concerted effort but rather just a sudden sense of peace and understanding. I'm not at all religious but it felt like grace. I wouldn't chose that path but it has changed me for the better and every day I look at my children and am so deeply grateful for that forgiveness. Our marriage is not perfect bliss but it feels honest and real and I am genuinely happy. But I think I could not forgive a second time because knowing what he knows now about the pain he caused me before, I would not be able to forgive him knowingly inflicting that on me again.

Thanks for sharing this - I wish this is where I am. Instead my husband blames me for his affair. Walks around with such an attitude towards me. The affair could he been forgiven, the lack of remorse and empathy has been harder.

I could not forgive someone who would not take full responsibility for their actions. It may take separation for this man to come around.

Anonymous wrote:I thought I was one of those people who could never forgive but when it came to it I found I could. It took a lot of counseling and he did all I asked of him and more. One day I just saw him as he truly is, with all his human imperfections and weaknesses and fears and pain and recklessness but also all his goodness and generosity and love and kindness. I saw his sorrow and remorse and confusion at his own failings and I just felt my anger go. It wasn't a decision I made or the result of any concerted effort but rather just a sudden sense of peace and understanding. I'm not at all religious but it felt like grace. I wouldn't chose that path but it has changed me for the better and every day I look at my children and am so deeply grateful for that forgiveness. Our marriage is not perfect bliss but it feels honest and real and I am genuinely happy. But I think I could not forgive a second time because knowing what he knows now about the pain he caused me before, I would not be able to forgive him knowingly inflicting that on me again.

Thanks for sharing this - I wish this is where I am. Instead my husband blames me for his affair. Walks around with such an attitude towards me. The affair could he been forgiven, the lack of remorse and empathy has been harder.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is a different angle, but my wife was a lot more sexually experienced when we met. Can't complain because she has been open to just about anything I have wanted to try in bed. And I have worked damn hard to be a satisfying lover (in tune to what she wants) as well as a good husband and father. If she cheated on me, it would be a slap in the face of this effort and I would feel like a wimp if I stuck around. I don't go the extra mile for her to have another guy get off.

I understand this as a woman. I would also say to anyone never married but considering it that you should be totally honest about your sexual needs and desires with your partner before getting engaged, because I married a great guy who is less physical and sexual than I am, and the result is that I've never been sexually satisfied. Even if society still frowns on a highly sexed woman, you can't deny your nature, pretend you're a "good girl" and then marry a guy who will never satisfy you. It.doesn't.work.

Anonymous wrote:Looking at saving a marriage. Can it and should it be forgiven? I would like to forgive...

It's a very complicated question. I cheated many years ago, and my husband forgave me. It's clear though that he never has and never will forget, and things will never be quite the same between us.

On the other hand, painful as it was, it got us talking about what had gotten us to that point. Also made me realize that I thought we were communicating, but we were not. Not at all. My husband lives in a very literal, direct world. I couldn't say something like, "I'm not happy with our love life. Don't you feel like we're not connecting well lately?" Those two sentences mean nothing, absolutely nothing, to him. In counselling, I learned to talk to a guy, as embarrassing as it was for both of us. I had to learn to speak excruciatingly direclty, in a way I would never speak to my mother or any other female, for that matter. My husband needed step by step information about why I was unhappy, unfulfilled, etc.

Part of the recovery process was me learning to accept that he wouldn't ever fully satisfy me. That's a hard lesson to swallow.

I thought I was one of those people who could never forgive but when it came to it I found I could. It took a lot of counseling and he did all I asked of him and more. One day I just saw him as he truly is, with all his human imperfections and weaknesses and fears and pain and recklessness but also all his goodness and generosity and love and kindness. I saw his sorrow and remorse and confusion at his own failings and I just felt my anger go. It wasn't a decision I made or the result of any concerted effort but rather just a sudden sense of peace and understanding. I'm not at all religious but it felt like grace. I wouldn't chose that path but it has changed me for the better and every day I look at my children and am so deeply grateful for that forgiveness. Our marriage is not perfect bliss but it feels honest and real and I am genuinely happy. But I think I could not forgive a second time because knowing what he knows now about the pain he caused me before, I would not be able to forgive him knowingly inflicting that on me again.

I know myself. I could never forget. I could never forgive. No matter what the reasons, I know I could never trust him again. Would I stay? Maybe. If we had kids and could work something out. Maybe. If we had no kids? Maybe. I don't know myself enough to answer THOSE questions, but I do know I could never forgive. Never.

A cheating spouse is devastating, 21:26 you were lucky to catch it early before feelings were developed. My husband professed "love" to his partner.

I found their emails, he routinely complained to her about spending time with me and us in general. Example: we'd take our children to Sweet Frog after dinner frequently. After one of our trips for dessert, he emailed her about our outing and wished he'd be able to go with her instead, blah blah blah. While we were out with our family, he acted no differently, he was engaging and seemed to enjoy spending time with us.

They carried on their affair for about 3 years, became physical 5 months before discovery. Once I confronted him he said it was just "high school" love and didn't mean anything. He even tried to convince me he told a lot of people he loved them (mutual friends, etc) and it didn't mean anything. My therapist contributes his feelings for her to "the fog" that most people having affairs are in. They will say/do anything to keep the affair going and also keep it from discovery.

So PP, consider yourself lucky that you only have deception to deal with. That it was too soon to turn physical and feelings and the fog weren't given time to develop. It was too soon to have memories robbed from you of things you enjoyed doing because of his affair.

I wish you good luck in your healing. Keep going to MC, don't stop until a few months after you think you may not need it anymore. I was good for a few months, now not so much.

Anonymous wrote:I would not forgive that.
My husband knew coming into this relationship that cheating is not something I will tolerate.
If he chooses to cheat, he knows I am gone.
My stance has not changed in 18 years that we have been together,

Until it happens to you. I was just as ballsy, probably even more so.

I also (and every.single.person.that had ever met him) believed he would never cheat.

Here I am. I wish it were black and white. Once you are thrust into the situation (esp if you have kids) you'll find it's a whole lot of gray.

Anonymous wrote:I agree, which is why I'm having a hard time dealing with it now. I'm sure it will happen again, as we settle back into married life and get comfortable. That is always in the back of my mind. It's not how I want to live.

Hi. I am dealing with this. Just found out. Married 16 years, 2 kids (6 and 8). I'm Very fit, get hit on at gym, etc. still have sex. I work. This is not about me.

Husband had 3 '3 dates' with online women in the last 3 weeks. One woman it went nowhere. 2nd woman 2 dates. He swears no sexual intercourse.

Immediately went to counseling. We've had 3 sessions.

He is willing to work on things, but at week one--knowing my personality-- I know I will never have trust again. I know that about myself.

I've lost 7 lbs in 7 days and I'm barely holding it together. I haven't told anyone because of kids and because I don't know what I want to do.

This majorly sucks . The deception about getting a dating account and meeting behind my back probably when I was shuttling kids to sports practices and worrying about what to cook for dinner ....

I don't know how I will believe anything. Counselor feels he is honest, wants to work,,, I tend to think once you've done this shit and crossed the line-- it's just a matter of time.