Anonymous
05/23/2014 15:21
Subject: Dear Obnoxious Stepdaughters...
Op married him and his daughters. Should have know what she was getting in to as a second.
Anonymous
05/23/2014 15:15
Subject: Dear Obnoxious Stepdaughters...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:NP here. Spouses should ALWAYS come first. Always.
Spouses should come first in intact families. Parents should not disregard already-born children for their flavor of the week.
+1. Let the angry second wives come out in full force, but the ethics here simply are not the same if both spouses aren't also joint parents of all the kids.
If the people involved truly believed in putting children above all else, they would have chosen their child's other parent more carefully and stayed married. The very fact that a stepparent is in the picture is evidence that at least one of those parents already put themselves ahead of the children. Being married to an "angry second wife" in itself is evidence that that parent does not put the child first because a man who wants to put his children first will not marry a woman who does not. Angry ex-wives don't want to admit that they picked a crappy parent for their child. He chose her but you chose him.
Anonymous
05/23/2014 14:18
Subject: Dear Obnoxious Stepdaughters...
Anonymous wrote:You are all adults. I have no responsibility to you. I resent having to spend time with you. When your father married me, I became first in his life. Your father's assets and mine are now ours. You won't ever get a dime. Rant Off.
Do you know how wills and trust laws work? In many states, children can contest a will to get at least 50%, leaving the living spouse with the other half, regardless of age of the children. So, I'd watch your attitude.
Anonymous
05/23/2014 12:50
Subject: Dear Obnoxious Stepdaughters...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:NP here. Spouses should ALWAYS come first. Always.
Spouses should come first in intact families. Parents should not disregard already-born children for their flavor of the week.
+1. Let the angry second wives come out in full force, but the ethics here simply are not the same if both spouses aren't also joint parents of all the kids.
Anonymous
05/23/2014 12:25
Subject: Dear Obnoxious Stepdaughters...
Anonymous wrote:NP here. Spouses should ALWAYS come first. Always.
I might be wrong, but I suspect you're a man.
It's generally to men's long-term benefit for spouses to come first, because men are likely to be taken care of by their wives in their later years.
It's not so much in women's interest -- men generally (though of course not always) predecease their wives, and their widows are more likely to depend on their adult children in their later years.
My grandmother was a widow for 20 years. For 15 of those, she was vigorous and independent, but for the last five, it was my mom who spent a couple hours with her at her nursing home *every single evening* (after working a full-time job during the day). My grandfather, though he was a fine man, certainly wasn't able to do that from the grave.
Anonymous
05/23/2014 12:19
Subject: Dear Obnoxious Stepdaughters...
Anonymous wrote:NP here. Spouses should ALWAYS come first. Always.
Spouses should come first in intact families. Parents should not disregard already-born children for their flavor of the week.
Anonymous
05/23/2014 12:13
Subject: Dear Obnoxious Stepdaughters...
Anonymous wrote:I suspect it's a chicken-egg sort of thing.
OP goes in guns a-blazing because the daughters are asking Dad for money (in the sort of normal way you might expect an under-25 kid to do). Now if the kids are expecting Daddy to pay for an apartment in the chicest part of town, and essentially subsidize a "Sex and the City/Friends" lifestyle, that's one thing. But treating the kids to dinner every few weeks, taking them to the Kennedy/Lincoln/whatever Center, well, that's part of being a parent. (Adjust the expectations per incomes.)
The daughters are inclined to dislike OP because she's Not Mommy. So they magnify any slight OP gives (real or perceived) until it reaches the point where OP ends up insulting the kids at their baby showers by giving a bib set (really, OP? Now you're acting in manners any outsider would label with the Evil Stepmother.)
Adults between the ages of 18-25 are not "kids". If they expect their parents to give them money, their parents have done a pretty lousy job raising them to be adults. (Choosing to treat family members of any age to a meal is obviously a lovely thing to do. but when adult children expect to be housed and fed by their parents, it's a problem.)
Anonymous
05/23/2014 12:11
Subject: Dear Obnoxious Stepdaughters...
I totally disagree with folks who say that children should come first. No wonder we have so many divorces!
The person you promised to be with forever should come first. Children should be a shared priority between you while they are CHILDREN. Once they are adults, if you have done a good job as parents, they will be FUNCTIONAL INDEPENDENT ADULTS. Your relationship with them will hopefully be loving, affectionate, and warm. But their needs as adults should be primarily taken care of by themselves. And thus your marriage should still be your top priority.
OP, I'm sorry you have such a bad relationship with your stepdaughters. That must be hard for all of you.
The person you promised to be with forever should come first. Children should be a shared priority between you while they are CHILDREN. Once they are adults, if you have done a good job as parents, they will be FUNCTIONAL INDEPENDENT ADULTS. Your relationship with them will hopefully be loving, affectionate, and warm. But their needs as adults should be primarily taken care of by themselves. And thus your marriage should still be your top priority.
OP, I'm sorry you have such a bad relationship with your stepdaughters. That must be hard for all of you.
Anonymous
05/20/2014 20:08
Subject: Dear Obnoxious Stepdaughters...
I love my husband dearly but if it was a life or death decision a la Sophie 's choice I would choose my kids and I would expect my husband to do them same.
Anonymous
05/20/2014 14:33
Subject: Dear Obnoxious Stepdaughters...
Anonymous wrote:NP here. Spouses should ALWAYS come first. Always.
First marriages often end because spouses don't adhere to this philosophy.
Anonymous
05/20/2014 13:03
Subject: Dear Obnoxious Stepdaughters...
Anonymous wrote:NP here. Spouses should ALWAYS come first. Always.
Except the OP sounds like she wants exclusive rights to their father. As others have said, marriages often end (i.e. DH's first) but children will be there for life.
Anonymous
05/20/2014 09:32
Subject: Dear Obnoxious Stepdaughters...
Anonymous wrote:NP here. Spouses should ALWAYS come first. Always.
No. Both parties should recognize and respect the important relationship their spouse/parent has with the other. Once one or the other stops respecting the relationship - that's when trouble starts.
Anonymous
05/20/2014 09:15
Subject: Dear Obnoxious Stepdaughters...
NP here. Spouses should ALWAYS come first. Always.
Anonymous
05/20/2014 09:11
Subject: Dear Obnoxious Stepdaughters...
I suspect it's a chicken-egg sort of thing.
OP goes in guns a-blazing because the daughters are asking Dad for money (in the sort of normal way you might expect an under-25 kid to do). Now if the kids are expecting Daddy to pay for an apartment in the chicest part of town, and essentially subsidize a "Sex and the City/Friends" lifestyle, that's one thing. But treating the kids to dinner every few weeks, taking them to the Kennedy/Lincoln/whatever Center, well, that's part of being a parent. (Adjust the expectations per incomes.)
The daughters are inclined to dislike OP because she's Not Mommy. So they magnify any slight OP gives (real or perceived) until it reaches the point where OP ends up insulting the kids at their baby showers by giving a bib set (really, OP? Now you're acting in manners any outsider would label with the Evil Stepmother.)
OP goes in guns a-blazing because the daughters are asking Dad for money (in the sort of normal way you might expect an under-25 kid to do). Now if the kids are expecting Daddy to pay for an apartment in the chicest part of town, and essentially subsidize a "Sex and the City/Friends" lifestyle, that's one thing. But treating the kids to dinner every few weeks, taking them to the Kennedy/Lincoln/whatever Center, well, that's part of being a parent. (Adjust the expectations per incomes.)
The daughters are inclined to dislike OP because she's Not Mommy. So they magnify any slight OP gives (real or perceived) until it reaches the point where OP ends up insulting the kids at their baby showers by giving a bib set (really, OP? Now you're acting in manners any outsider would label with the Evil Stepmother.)
Anonymous
05/19/2014 16:17
Subject: Dear Obnoxious Stepdaughters...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:One gave me a major attitude because we "ONLY" gave a bib set as a baby shower gift. I don't want to spend time with people who are going to be giving me attitudes.
Yes- DH and I are well off but we enjoy spending time and our resources with each other. DH worked hard and so have I. They are in their mid-20's. It's time for them to be completely independent financially and emotionally.
It's rude to complain about gifts but you seriously only sent your grandkid a bib?[/quote]
+1
She didn't complain about the gift at least aloud, instead she gave me the cold shoulder which was much worse.
So you gave her a cheap gift to insult her and make your point, yet somehow feel insulted yourself when she responds coolly after getting your message loud and clear? If you are seriously this spiteful and this much of a troublemaker, I don't think you'll have to worry about being their stepmother for very long.