I think it is ages and stages, plus background.

My mom was the SAHM (that was the norm back then for her social economic class) and my MIL a single young working mom. My MIL still almost has no clue what to do with my kids and is kinda an "eat and run" parent. She'll help, but she doesn't seem like she wants to. My MIL is still working, but widowed. My parents have both been retired for some time. Also, it's how the grew up. I remember MY grandparents swing by to help. Where my MIL lost her mother in her early teens.

OP, interesting post. My MIL can be quite selfish, yet strives to be a doting grandmother and a relatively helpful MIL - and she generally succeeds on both scores. FIL generally quite helpful. I would not want their marriage but they seem fairly happy. My parents' marriage had its ups and downs, but they tried to be as helpful as they could be when their health allowed.

Anonymous wrote:My parents have been nagging and bickering for 42 years. They would do anything for us. I am an only child.

My parents have been married for 45 years and they have really struggled in their roles as spouses for the majority of their marriage. However, they are very devoted grandparents. They live close by to both my family and my brother's family, and they love to participate in their grandchildren's lives. They actually watch my kids two days a week after school so that I can work late on those nights. Once my kids got old enough, they started periodically inviting them for sleepovers so we could have some "couple time." I think that because they never had the support of grandparents when they were raising kids (because both sets of my grandparents had died) that they really feel good about being able to give that support to us. We have been blessed by their very genuine desire to have a meaningful role in their grandchildren's lives. Although they do have age-related health challenges, I actually think that becoming grandparents gave them a new lease on life. (However, they still bicker A LOT - including about issues related to the grandchildren. So it isn't perfect - but nothing ever is.) As a family, we also strive not to overburden my parents. They are very generous, and we need to be wary that they don't get burned out by giving too much of themselves.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have been nagging and bickering for 42 years. They would do anything for us. I am an only child.

Ha! Sounds just like my parents, except I'm not an only child.

The way my parents relate to each other is so odd that I couldn't tell you whether they are happily married. But they love each other, are completely devoted to their kids, and will surely be a big help when my baby, their first grandchild, is born.

That is what I thought too. Bit if a bait and switch, but my parents decided to become 'Holiday and Vacation' grandparents and not have a real relationship with their grandchildren. My ILs were very active and helpful grandparents to the grandchildren that came first, then they burned out and last few were regulated to 'vacation/holiday' status.

Anonymous wrote:My parents have been nagging and bickering for 42 years. They would do anything for us. I am an only child.

Ha! Sounds just like my parents, except I'm not an only child.

The way my parents relate to each other is so odd that I couldn't tell you whether they are happily married. But they love each other, are completely devoted to their kids, and will surely be a big help when my baby, their first grandchild, is born.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of the comments. Why are your parents and Il laws responsible for providing time so you can work on your marriage? Why can't you swap with friends or hire out?

I always thought the primary purpose of have helpful and engaged grandparents was fostering the relationship between the grandchild and grandparent- not providing couple time for the parents. This must be a relatively new concept- post Gen X.

They are not RESPONSIBLE, but it's a really thoughtful gesture. I don't think anyone would say that the grand parents are responsible, but there are grandparents out there who do say, "It's important/good/healthy for you and DH to get out once in a while. Go, have fun, and we'll take care of the kids." This is such a stark difference compared to grandparents (like mine), who flat out refuse to babysit because they are DONE with child-rearing. Just wondering what produces such a different attitude in grandparents. Personally, I hope to be more like the former when my kids grow up and have kids of their own.

I am not agreeing with you, OP. I am the 9:28 poster. I am a capable adult and I can manage my marriage just fine, thanks, b/c my parents raised me that way and I don't need their help in that regard. I feel it sounds needy of you to view it that way. That would feel intrusive to me, in fact.

Interesting that you would characterize this as needy as opposed to nice or helpful. IMO, there is a little too much insularity and not enough community when it comes to families being there for each other these days, not just in times of crisis.

I can agree with this, but with the trend of grandparents caring for grandchildren (or parents helping out their children, who are now parents), this is generally a one-way street. For people that have parents or other relatives that help out, do you give back? Do you also make it important to return help, or just give help to your parents and relatives? Most of the time, people expect their parents and relatives to help out, even if it's only on occasion (1-2x a week is not "on occasion"), but there's no reciprocity.

I'm not a grandparent, but I'm in my 30s with deceased parents. I feel like a lot of people in my generation take their own parents for granted. Sure, I understand a lot of people have toxic families and that's a different dynamic. But for those fellow adults that have a decent relationship with their family and still expect their parents to take care of them... that's mind boggling to me. Your parents have done their job. Your kids are your own responsibility. Family being there for each other is a great concept, but it has to go both ways. Even if you're an adult, and your parents are adults - it's gotta be reciprocal.

Trend? You call trend family dynamics that exist since the beginning of time in all cultures on Earth?

"family dynamics" also included people living with their in-laws, or at least taking great care of their parents when they're older, or having them move in with them. In other words, there was still that reciprocity. But these days, a lot of people want their parents and in-laws to help, but they don't want to help them out in return either. "Cake and eat it too," etc.

Anonymous wrote:In my empirical evidence, I am going to have to conclude the opposite, OP:

1) My parents -- happily married, don't help THAT much, will help but definitely rely on us and trust us to be capable, confident adult who can handle ordinary problems as they arise

2) My in-laws -- not happily married, are unhappy in their lives and their relationship, seek to find meaning in their lives by excessively spilling over the boundaries b/w their (unhappy) coupling and our personal nuclear family. Thus, it looks like, on the surface, they "help" a lot, but we don't want their "help" b/c it comes from a place of neediness in themselves, not a place of confidence and fulfillment.

I think this is one of the exceptions to the rule. In general, though, I find that happy grandparents like to help. Unless, they are weird happy--like swingers in their FL retirement community.

Anonymous wrote:My theory on this is that happily married grandparents may be more likely to help. Some of this may be that they have a good marriage, and enjoy seeing their spouse interact with their grandchildren.

My Dh and I take care of our two grandkids two nights a week----- These are overnights on school nights. We love it. They add energy to our empty nest and I love seeing my DH doing all the things he used to do with our kids: reading, helping with homework, playing, etc.

It brings us closer.

So I see that as one reason that happily married grandparents help out. They enjoy being with their spouse and the grandkids at once. Plus two people makes the "work" part easier.

So sweet. I want to be like you when my hubby and I are older.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of the comments. Why are your parents and Il laws responsible for providing time so you can work on your marriage? Why can't you swap with friends or hire out?

I always thought the primary purpose of have helpful and engaged grandparents was fostering the relationship between the grandchild and grandparent- not providing couple time for the parents. This must be a relatively new concept- post Gen X.

They are not RESPONSIBLE, but it's a really thoughtful gesture. I don't think anyone would say that the grand parents are responsible, but there are grandparents out there who do say, "It's important/good/healthy for you and DH to get out once in a while. Go, have fun, and we'll take care of the kids." This is such a stark difference compared to grandparents (like mine), who flat out refuse to babysit because they are DONE with child-rearing. Just wondering what produces such a different attitude in grandparents. Personally, I hope to be more like the former when my kids grow up and have kids of their own.

I am not agreeing with you, OP. I am the 9:28 poster. I am a capable adult and I can manage my marriage just fine, thanks, b/c my parents raised me that way and I don't need their help in that regard. I feel it sounds needy of you to view it that way. That would feel intrusive to me, in fact.

Interesting that you would characterize this as needy as opposed to nice or helpful. IMO, there is a little too much insularity and not enough community when it comes to families being there for each other these days, not just in times of crisis.

I can agree with this, but with the trend of grandparents caring for grandchildren (or parents helping out their children, who are now parents), this is generally a one-way street. For people that have parents or other relatives that help out, do you give back? Do you also make it important to return help, or just give help to your parents and relatives? Most of the time, people expect their parents and relatives to help out, even if it's only on occasion (1-2x a week is not "on occasion"), but there's no reciprocity.

I'm not a grandparent, but I'm in my 30s with deceased parents. I feel like a lot of people in my generation take their own parents for granted. Sure, I understand a lot of people have toxic families and that's a different dynamic. But for those fellow adults that have a decent relationship with their family and still expect their parents to take care of them... that's mind boggling to me. Your parents have done their job. Your kids are your own responsibility. Family being there for each other is a great concept, but it has to go both ways. Even if you're an adult, and your parents are adults - it's gotta be reciprocal.

Trend? You call trend family dynamics that exist since the beginning of time in all cultures on Earth?

I think you're really overstating that, as I know that wasn't the situation for me growing up, or for my parents (who grew up on opposite sides of the earth). But it's great to know you're volunteering to raising your grandchildren, no matter your life choices, or the life choices of your children and wherever life takes them. You get a gold star sticker!